Hi everyone, i am a new poster after finding these forums just into the new year. i have been reading most of what i can as a guest? i feel that it has already helped me in my sitch, which i am sure is not much different to most LBS.
in September 2020 i was asked to meet my W for lunch, she asked if i would meet her in the car - which i did. we drove for 10 mins and then stopped in a layby, she then proceeded to tell me that ILYBANILWY and didnt want to be with me anymore or even married to me anymore and wanted SPACE.she would move out and get a flat with our D15, this is where i made my first mistakes - i pleaded and cried not for her to go? i dropped her back to work. when she came home that night i continued my pleading, i went to be that night and cried my eyes out. she continue to be in the MBR although we didnt have any intimacy.Sept,Oct & Nov we continue to live together as a family and do thing as you would expect although i promised to give her at least a whole day to herself over the weekends! so i made myself scarce usually on the Saturday and then Sunday as a family outing. at this point i thought we were getting on better than we had for the last 9 months and that we would be fine.Dec 8th went to bed as normal - lent over to kiss her goodnight and this is when she announced that she had been sleeping with her coworker that she shares an office with, and had been since early Oct. her head never left the pillow while telling me this? at this point i stormed out of the house and went to speak to my MIL, i came back about 3 hours later and decided to sleep on the Sofa and the 2 hours later with no sleep decided that i have done nothing wrong - why should i sleep on the Sofa, so went back to the MBR - she didnt get up.
this was the Tuesday night - she moved in with her mother on the Sunday after - where she has been ever since. although she stays at the PA flat on a regular basis or so i am led to believe! she lost her job with the PA and has now got another one in a different town 12 miles away! my D16 now is still angry with her mother and refuses to see her.
we did have her to our house on Xmas day, but i have had no direct contact with her since, but made the mistake of talking to her best friend 2 weeks ago, which i now regret - because i was stupid enough to think we were talking as friends, but lesson learned and all that!
i have gone dark after that episode and will not be talking to her friend or her mother about our sitch and also trying detachment from her - because i have been guilt of Pursuit (me) and she is distancing, which i will not be following up. its not until i read these boards that i realised what i was doing was pushing her further away!
i also believe she is in mlc as it like an alien has taken over her body/mind, her actions are completely against her values. we have yet to have a R talk although she has told her friend that she cannot and will not be coming back to me!
i am now having counselling to overcome depression and anxiety which was brought on after Sept, i am also on depression tablets.
Last edited by job; 01/21/2109:43 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hey Mark I am sorry you are here bu you came to the right place.
You basically need to withdraw support -- emotional support and financial support to the degree possible. If she makes a mess, she needs to clean it up. You do not step in and enable her in any way.
You go out and "get a life" and you don't feel *any* responsibility to explain or justify what you're doing, you just do it.
Very important: You are not mean, punishing, or passive aggressive. You don't make nasty comments. You don't go out of your way to inconvenience her, you simply act as if you are completely uninterested and unaffected by her.
It’s a huge comfort to know that she has you to fall back on if things go badly for her. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
She needs to fully believe that you will not be there for her if she chooses to return, and that if she wants to come back she's going to have to work for it.
You can't tell her that, she'll never believe it. You have to show her that beyond a doubt with your actions.
At the same time, you have to build a life for yourself that anyone would want to be a part of, full of fun activities, outside interests, and engaging friends. If you can do both of those things -- completely emotionally uncouple from her (fake it until you make it) and build an amazing life for yourself, she'll clamor to come back and if she doesn't you won't care. That's your only winning path out of where you are, but getting there is going to be uncomfortable, and more painful than you feel today, because it will go against your white knight nature.
You cannot placate her, you cannot "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.
You also cannot push her away by withdrawing support.
She has chosen her course of action, and as of right now, nothing you do will impact it.
Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
Hi everyone, i am a new poster after finding these forums just into the new year. i have been reading most of what i can as a guest? i feel that it has already helped me in my sitch, which i am sure is not much different to most LBS.
in September 2020 i was asked to meet my W for lunch, she asked if i would meet her in the car - which i did. we drove for 10 mins and then stopped in a layby, she then proceeded to tell me that ILYBANILWY and didnt want to be with me anymore or even married to me anymore and wanted SPACE.she would move out and get a flat with our D15, this is where i made my first mistakes - i pleaded and cried not for her to go? i dropped her back to work. when she came home that night i continued my pleading, i went to be that night and cried my eyes out. she continue to be in the MBR although we didnt have any intimacy.Sept,Oct & Nov we continue to live together as a family and do thing as you would expect although i promised to give her at least a whole day to herself over the weekends! so i made myself scarce usually on the Saturday and then Sunday as a family outing. at this point i thought we were getting on better than we had for the last 9 months and that we would be fine.Dec 8th went to bed as normal - lent over to kiss her goodnight and this is when she announced that she had been sleeping with her coworker that she shares an office with, and had been since early Oct. her head never left the pillow while telling me this? at this point i stormed out of the house and went to speak to my MIL, i came back about 3 hours later and decided to sleep on the Sofa and the 2 hours later with no sleep decided that i have done nothing wrong - why should i sleep on the Sofa, so went back to the MBR - she didnt get up.
this was the Tuesday night - she moved in with her mother on the Sunday after - where she has been ever since. although she stays at the PA flat on a regular basis or so i am led to believe! she lost her job with the PA and has now got another one in a different town 12 miles away! my D16 now is still angry with her mother and refuses to see her. we did have her to our house on Xmas day, but i have had no direct contact with her since, but made the mistake of talking to her best friend 2 weeks ago, which i now regret - because i was stupid enough to think we were talking as friends, but lesson learned and all that!
i have gone dark after that episode and will not be talking to her friend or her mother about our sitch and also trying detachment from her - because i have been guilt of Pursuit (me) and she is distancing, which i will not be following up. its not until i read these boards that i realised what i was doing was pushing her further away!
i also believe she is in mlc as it like an alien has taken over her body/mind, her actions are completely against her values. we have yet to have a R talk although she has told her friend that she cannot and will not be coming back to me!
i am now having counselling to overcome depression and anxiety which was brought on after Sept, i am also on depression tablets.
You're absolutely right, this is a very common tale, unfortunately. And I wouldn't beat yourself up for the mistakes you've made so far because, well, most of us are not prepared to deal with this situation. Very few LBSs know about DBing until they've already made plenty of mistakes. And even after knowing DB, it continues to be difficult not to slip up now and again and make mistakes.
However, most of the heavy lifting is done in your sitch. It is ideal for a WAS in a PA to be out of the house, certainly out of the MBR. Now you just need to stay true to your plan on going dark. Get DR and read it as Cadet suggests. Study the Last Resort Technique. In fact, I still see you hoping she will come back to you. Right now you shouldn't even be interested in her returning because it is impossible to reconcile while a 3rd party is still in the picture.
You have no control over her choices, whether they are being caused by a MLC or not. All you can do is move forward, focus on you. Being in IC is a great step! Congratulations! It is amazing how many LBSs resist IC, so you are commended for seeking that help already. Keep working on you to become the best you can be. Go out and GAL! Like a madman. The LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that sit home and stew on their misery. Be busy. I know there is a pandemic, but there are still plenty of GAL opportunities for those that are motivated. And finally, keep working on detachment. You described her as acting as an alien has taken over her mind/body. Then treat her that way, like an alien. Like someone you don't even know. Read sandi's rules, and start working on applying them.
mark, I am very sorry you are going through this. These situations are the worst, but you are through the worst of it already. If you focus on yourself (and your D16, be the best dad you can be!), you can get through this better and stronger, no matter what your cheating W decides.
Last edited by job; 01/21/2109:43 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi everyone, i am a new poster after finding these forums just into the new year. i have been reading most of what i can as a guest? i feel that it has already helped me in my sitch, which I am sure is not much different to most LBS.
I am glad you can see you are experiencing things similar to what we have. This puts you way ahead of most that show up here.
June 20: i have feelings for the OM, but it wont come to anything i will deal with it! also said the same to her best friend June 20: stop worrying i have dealt with your problem! (meaning the OM)
Aug 20: i dont go to lunch with him anymore.so you have nothing to concern yourself with!
Sept 20 : early in the month - she told me maybe we have to have an open marriage? what do you think.when i said no chance i could never put up with that, she said she didn't want one anyway she was joking.
Oct 20: she told my daughter that she has not loved me for the last 2 years! whether this is true or not i cant say, she was still telling me she loved me - perhaps it was just words to stop me being suspicious
we had a week holiday in Dec 2019 in Rome just me and the W, it never felt that she was distant from me at that point and we had a really good time and felt we were still a real couple! she needs an oscar for acting if she was hiding it because it felt real!
either i have been really gullible or she wasn't intending to take the other man to a PA in August, but had changed her mind in Sept
Last edited by job; 01/21/2109:44 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
One of the first rules of DBing: Believe nothing she says.
My W had an EA, not a PA. She had exchanged nude pictures with the OM. I found the messages. I found the pictures. She still denied he was more than a friend. Even in the face of evidence!
They will say whatever they feel suits them at any given moment. Even her admission the night she told you about the PA was self-serving. She was feeling guilty sleeping in the same bed with you while sleeping with the OM. In order to ease that guilt she came clean.
BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS, and only half of what she does. Have you read sandi's rules?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
