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markw #2913174 01/21/21 10:30 PM
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Me and XW got married while she was in EA with OM. That felt real too
I was an ignorant idiot at the time (with regards to OM) , but it felt real and I still believe, though I don’t understand how, she felt that way too.

Read as much as you can. Be a rock for your Daughter!!!!!!!!
The advice given here already is gold.
Read it carefully and ask questions.
We may be harsh from time to time, but we are here to help.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
markw #2913179 01/21/21 11:14 PM
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Wow Mumin, you got married whist she was in EA, that blows my mind. That's not me judging you, I understand how real things can feel, sorry you had to go through that.

Markw, just to add to Steve85 and Mumin, my STBXW and I bought two houses, a car and renovated a kitchen together right before she moved out.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
markw #2913200 01/22/21 02:38 PM
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Thanks for the helpful advice so far? i can already see that i have come to the right place for answers/help
i have read sandi's rules and can see that they make great sense and will be applying as much of them as i can, if not all of them.

i have been dark for 2 weeks now, to not only WW but also to her friend (see 1st post) and also to MIL.

I have had MIL ask a couple of times by text if i am OK and my reply has been sweet and to the point.

My Daughter is in constant text with her grandmother, although i have asked her not to talk about me to her!

I am currently reading the detachment thread and will be following that as well.

i will continue my quest to be a better man for mine and my daughters benefit.

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Wow Mumin, you got married whist she was in EA, that blows my mind. That's not me judging you, I understand how real things can feel, sorry you had to go through that.

Markw, just to add to Steve85 and Mumin, my STBXW and I bought two houses, a car and renovated a kitchen together right before she moved out.

Yeah I can see now how it sounds.
We should never have gotten married. She wasn’t being honest with me or herself and I was blind from love, NGS and the wrong views of a marriage/relationship.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
markw #2913355 01/24/21 07:13 AM
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oh i do wish i had found DB sooner - like 12 to 15 months ago!

if i had been looking i would have been wiser to what was happening and could have altered what i was doing towards my WAW, i pursued while she was distancing without me knowing that i was adding to her distance!

whether it would have stopped her PA i do not know, but i would have hopefully lessened the pain for me and my daughter! although i have read on here that we need to go through the pain to wake us up from the comfortable existence we have gotten into! to help us be who we really are!

i know hindsight is a wonderful tool? but i think that the help on these boards is as close to hindsight as any of us can get.

keep up the good work

markw #2913384 01/24/21 05:52 PM
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Yes!! Help here is gold, if you follow the advice. I like the way you phrased that - "As close to hindsight as you will find".

The people who get stuck are those who hear the advice and believe that they are the exception.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
markw #2913434 01/25/21 02:32 PM
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Hi Mark, you said you've been reading posts for a while now, so you may have already seen the one below. I hope it may give you some direction.

****************************************************************************************

Plan of Action for the Husband with a Wayward Wife

Following the initial bomb drop or discovery of an affair, you will be highly stressed and emotionally vulnerable. You will be in a state of reaction for a period of time, which places your decisions and behavior at risk. This emotional state can leave you experiencing waves of various feelings and moods. The natural reaction is usually to secure the relationship ASAP. However, nothing will immediately result in your favor until you can reach stability and have clarity in your own head.

I. Accept what you cannot control or change.

A. Accept that you cannot control your wife’s feelings, decisions, or actions.

B. Accept the fact that the bomb was not your wayward wife’s way of warning you that the marriage was in trouble. She was not trying to wake you in order to work on the marriage. It was her way of telling you it is too late and she is done with it. Do not act upon your urges to plead with her for another chance. Do not try to prove how much you love her. This is not the time. She doesn’t want it and will reject it.

C. Accept that no matter how badly you wish to correct your faults in the marriage and only want a chance to prove yourself as a better husband, she has moved past that point.

D. Accept the painful fact that your WW does not want to work on the MR. She does not feel in love with you, and is not the same person you married.

E. Accept that your WW is not going to snap back into the wife and mother that she was in the past. This is not going to be a short run. She has to go through a process, and there is no snapping back into normality.

F. Accept that you will not be able to control the lives of your children when they are with her. You will not be able to prevent her from introducing them to whomever she wishes, including her affair partner.

G. Accept the fact that you are the only person you can control.

II. Regain mental stability and clarity.

A. Let go of the fear of upsetting her. She has expressed her loss of happiness and love, and is considering a separation or divorce. At this point, she has fired you as her husband. Begin thinking of your WW and yourself as two entities.

B. Break your habit of rescuing her. It is not your responsibility to make her happy or fix things for her. Allow her to deal with consequences of her behavior and decisions. Stop putting forth effort to be her husband, in the practical sense.

C. Do not lie to cover up for her. This is her mess and her responsibility to clean it up. She will have to deal with the fallout without you recuing her.

D. Let go of your habit of over explaining or giving an account to your wife.

E. Do not make any rash decisions. Whatever decisions you are thinking about, run it by the DB board or your confidant, to get an unbiased opinion. You are vulnerable to your emotions.

F. Do not be concerned about what she thinks of you or your decisions/actions during this period. Whenever you catch yourself worrying what she thinks of your actions or reactions, remember your goal is to get your mind and emotions to a place of stability and clarity. As long as you are focused on what she thinks or feels, you aren’t focused on your goal.

III. Proactive steps

A. Separate yourself from the emotional drama of the WW. Put space between you and your WW. Do not engage in relationship discussions. Don’t try to secure the relationship by getting a commitment from your W. During this period, do not make any promises or agree to any changes that will directly affect your future. Do not talk about your feelings for her, or tell her you don’t want a D and how committed you are to saving the M.

B. Follow the 37 rules that are pertinent to your situation.

C. Focus on self healing, rather than relationship healing. Gather reading material, confide in someone who is professionally bound to confidentiality, meditate, take alone time outside with nature, listen to motivational tapes, post on the DB board, and listen to music that energizes you. Socialize with positive people, and those who honestly love you. Don’t seek communication, solace, or advice with her circle of friends or relatives. Stay off Face Book and other social media types. Take exceptional care of your physical wellness. It is not a sign of weakness to take medication, if needed. Talk to the man in the mirror every morning while shaving. You need to be his best friend.

D. Seek legal counsel to know your rights and where you will stand financially, should you divorce, pay child support, seek custody, etc. Learn what steps to take in protecting yourself in these areas, and anything else.

E. In cases of separation, have a child care/visitation schedule for the parents.

F. GAL!

G. No more Mr. Nice Guy! Stop being a pushover, and stand up for yourself. Appeasing a WW does not score brownie points.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
markw #2913438 01/25/21 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by markw
oh i do wish i had found DB sooner - like 12 to 15 months ago!

if i had been looking i would have been wiser to what was happening and could have altered what i was doing towards my WAW, i pursued while she was distancing without me knowing that i was adding to her distance!

whether it would have stopped her PA i do not know, but i would have hopefully lessened the pain for me and my daughter! although i have read on here that we need to go through the pain to wake us up from the comfortable existence we have gotten into! to help us be who we really are!

i know hindsight is a wonderful tool? but i think that the help on these boards is as close to hindsight as any of us can get.

keep up the good work



Everyone wishes they had found DB faster. Heck, I knew about DB from my 2005 situation, but it still took my 2-3 days with my 2017 situation to remember it and start employing it. But that is life, we don't usually go "maybe I should learn DB techniques in case my S goes off the rails." So don't beat yourself up over it! Live and learn.

Also, it is never too late to start DBing. We have a saying around here. DBing may not save your marriage, but it will save yourself! So focus on saving yourself. Sometimes the MR comes along for the ride.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
markw #2913442 01/25/21 02:57 PM
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Thank you for the replies! they are helping me get myself together and start putting me back to being whole again?

markw #2913476 01/25/21 07:48 PM
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Hey Mark,

Don't beat yourself up over anything that happened in the past. Maybe you could have changed the course of history or maybe not.

All you can do is control your own present to influence your own future. Set your priorities (your own wellbeing, your daughter's wellbeing, your own finances).

Find a good attorney right now. You may or may not have to use them. But you better get the BEST attorney you can get RIGHT NOW. If this goes to divorce, you will need the best. If you don't have a good attorney, you will fall for your ex's BS.

Good luck. Keep posting. BREATHE.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
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