My BD was in our 27th year of what I thought was a pretty good marriage. It is still hard for me to understand that the person I trusted the most is now my adversary
Oh, and my stbxw told me she loved me, was planning a party for me, gave a a hand made very thoughtful birthday present, enrolled in Global Entry to facilitate our upcoming travel all right up to BD. And theWW still complain that we don’t get it, how we can’t understand it’s over.
my WW and myself were discussing in Nov just gone of having a 60th birthday this year for me and clearing one of the holidays on my bucket list! and also looking forward to her 50th birthday and taking a cruise together and possibly renewing our wedding vows - fat chance of any of that now!
while looking at a Depression website i came across this - Anhedonia & love - interesting read? very often mistaken for mlc - i know i am looking for excuses for the WW behaviour, and she was still guilty of a PA but it was interesting never the less!
mark, nothing wrong with trying to understand the underlying reasons for her actions as long as that is all it is. Understanding. If you are doing it looking for a solution (logically we know that we have to understand a problem in order to fix it), then that is where you go astray. "She might be dealing with depression. She might be in an MLC. It might be her depression meds that are causing her to behave this way (this was me)." As long as you just want to understand and not fix, that is fine.
The biggest problem with this, and you are early in your sitch so you shouldn't beat yourself up over this, is that this kind of fact finding mission is still too focused on the WAS. DBing is about removing your focus from her and putting it on yourself. So rather than look for reasons for her behavior, I found that reading what MY behavior should be helped keep the focus on me. It took me several weeks before I was really good at keeping my focus on me and what I should be doing (GAL, 180s, detachment) and off of why she was doing what she was doing. So keep working on it, you'll get there.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 yes it was only me trying to understand! i am not going to offer up any advice to my WW or her friends or family? she is not on meds, she went to the doctor after being nagged by her friends! the doc gave her tablets for Depression - she took them for 3 days and then decided that she didn't need them and threw them out!
I've said it before and I'll say it again, how I find it strange the LBH had rather his W be suffering with MLC......or just about anything other than waywardness. Since most MLCW have an A, why is it so difficult for the LBH to accept his W is wayward? I'm not trying to be a smart-aleck, I just don't get it, other than being an issue with pride. It's easier, I suppose, to blame or pin their W's actions on a "condition" (MLC), whereas, the LBH sees waywardness more personal. Having a wayward wife is like a slap in the H's face. Is that it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Having a wayward wife is like a slap in the H's face. Is that it?
I think so. Typical male pride getting in the way because you think that if it is a MLC, meds, or something else then it allows you to have a false sense of pride or at least feel like less of a failure. If you can tell yourself "she's only doing this because of her MLC" then you can avoid the thought of "she's doing this because I didn't please her/wasn't good enough for her/am not strong enough for her..." or whatever doubts you might have.
Sandi, i think you are partly right about pride! and partly right that MLC is in play, because we need something to hang on to whats happened. the WW has gone from normal to alien within the space of 9 months before BD, and i know it was probably already past the point where she had checked out of the M - but it gives us comfort to know that it was not completely our fault. we may have helped the M to fold in some way, but its the loss of our comfortable little worlds and it hurts.
Good points on Sandi's post. However, part of this is because we LBHs tend to be overtly attached, not properly differentiated, and therefore have an all or nothing attitude towards our MR. "If I lose my W my life will be ruined, people will see me as flawed, etc". The whole point about WWs is that it has less about you than you think. Yes you could have been a better husband. Yes there is some burden of guilt that falls at your feet. NONE OF THAT (unless you were abusive and/or a cheater yourself) justifies what they are doing.
MWD and all of the other anti-D experts that I read and studied say the same thing. IF the H can separate his emotions from the situation, and take on the attitude that they are going to be alright no matter what she does, and allows that perspective to inform their behavior and decisions, there is a greater chance that the WW will feel like THEY are the ones losing out and MIGHT start to second guess their choice. This is why begging, pleading, reasoning, promising, groveling, becoming super-husband, etc doesn't work. Because all that does is tell the WW "I can ALWAYS come back to him if I hit rock bottom." When you turn the tables and take away their safety net, sometimes they will start to hedge.
But please understand there are no guarantees. What I can guarantee you is catering to her will have her run out the door quicker than backing off, and going and living your best life regardless of what she is doing.
Easier said than done because we let our emotions take over.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
