Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think this schedule is going to work out great for me and I love the job itself. Exciting and rewarding and I feel like I've found my calling.
I was proud of myself in that moment. I did accomplish a LOT this past year. And I did it despite the mind games, the gaslighting, the cheating and the lies.
I'm glad you've found your stride and calling! Solid updates. And thanks for all the advice you've been sharing. A poem I read today reminded me of your situation--
Quote
She had been through hell and though no one could see her demons they could see the face that conquered them.
Sent X photos today as I purged my phone of anything with his face in it. They were pics of him and kids/grandkids and I thought I was being kind by providing him with photos.
He texted and asked a legal question. I told him to call me. We talked about it and I suggested some things he could do to stay ahead of it (dangerous situation with neighbor).
While we were discussing his sitch, he kept referring to the ranch as "ours" and other things that suggested he is either selling me a load of horse manure - or he is completely disassociated. IDK. We got off the phone and he seemed quite down.
He texted saying that he needed a 'break' from the photo album I 'shared' with him. . Apparently they were upsetting him.
He texted several hours later and asked to come over.
I let him.
We talked a little, he became emotional again and I said "I don't understand. This is what YOU wanted. I think you would benefit from EMDR therapy and some serious IC. If photos upset you to that degree, you are not in a good place.
*it was a long talk, he was here approx. 4 hours. I listened and validated some things, but for the most part just told him what I saw. I have known him for 25 years. We grew up together. He's an absolute mess. He can only save himself at this point.
IDK - on one hand I feel like I gave him cake. On the other hand, I'm still concerned that he is running as fast as he can from his demons and I know better than some, that you can't possibly outrun them. Praying that God gives me wisdom.
I know demons. You must face them head on and conquer the sons of b**tches.
He's lost. Nothing has changed in the past 3 1/2 - almost 4 years.
I can't help him. Maybe something I said planted a seed.
I can't seem to find a situation this messed up.
He tried to make out with me. I told him that I am aware that he has a girlfriend and that I am not that kind of girl.
ugh. This man.
2 nights ago, there was a call about shots fired. I ran straight into it. No fear. Just knowing my purpose.
This guy, though. Sigh. I know he's on his own journey. I have let him go. I have my own life, he has his.
I don't have answers for this one.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
You handled that well, I think. Kept healthy boundaries, gave him good advice.
Just keep moving forward with your life. If he has it in him to pull himself back together, dump the girlfriend and do what he would need to do to win you back, he can catch up with you whether or not you’re divorced. Odds are he’s not capable of that kind of change but stranger things have happened. Don’t let it slow you down though. Him trying to make out with you and feeling a little weepy is NOT the same as him making an honest effort to make amends.
No. He was in no way making amends...more like he's drowning and looking to me for help. I am fine throwing a life ring, but I know better now than to jump in after him.
kml, thanks for understanding. This stuff is so hard.
He's not capable at this point to change. I believe everyone can, only because I have. I have done some truly awful things in the past, so I never discount anyone. But I also know that I didn't save myself, and no one person saved me - it was a complete transformation that started in my heart (I'm Christian so it was my faith) and then doing what I needed to do - very hard things - and live differently. Also surrounding myself with people who loved me enough to tell me truth.
As much pain as I have endured, he is in torment over something.
---------------------- X called this morning. Sounded 'ok' ish. Said he just wanted to call and check in. His words "we lost a calf last night". Didn't talk long because I was in need of some endorphins.
Ran 2.33 miles. Lovely. 55 degrees F - music was good - realized that I sing when I run and it got a little awkward (for others on the trails today). LOL
Looking forward to my shift tomorrow as I had some new gear come in that will help me in my job.
Feeling good about last night. Praying a lot for wisdom and discernment, and of course my family and you guys here on the boards.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Hi Warrior! Things are going amazing at work! I love it. My FTO said that I am doing better than a lot of other people that come through this part of the program, and I'm ahead in a lot of areas. That's such a magnificent feeling. It's exciting and fun and keeps me so busy I don't think about anything else.
I would like advice from my people here on another matter that keeps happening to me.
Example:
My friend suggested a guy to meet (her and her H's friend). Said he was a good man. I wasn't ready. Then, when I was ready, I reached out to friend and said "I'm ready. Please set something up!"
Now - she is saying I need to wait to date, I'm not ready, I need to spend time alone and that if I'm not dating with the intention of marrying, I shouldn't date. Also that I need to just have female friends. (I almost threw up. I felt judged and controlled).
FFS.
I'm pretty angry. I told her as much. Told her she has NO IDEA what I am going through. She said that she does, that her and her husband got married later in life, they both spend a lot of time single, etc.
When she said that I just need to hang out with female friends, I was completely ticked off and said "Easy for you to say with a faithful, loving husband".
*she and I are completely honest with each other, have never not been able to be truthful and frank.
The thing that I'm angry about is that it is NOT UP TO HER when I date. I understand she is trying to be protective but I spend YEARS in a controlling marriage. I am finding myself, more and more, just wanting to get away from people who have advice for me who have not been through this.
So I don't want to lose a friend, and maybe another couple of days I won't be so angry - but it's been 2 days since that convo.
I can, and have, told people that while I understand that they want the best for me, that I have a therapist and a support group for this. Thanks but no thanks on the advice. Aside from kicking them out of my life, how can I manage this? 3 people in my life that constantly have an opinion. And why does it bother me so much?
I feel 'tight'. I feel like people have way too much invested in what I do.
I think for a long time I asked for advice from anyone who would listen, but now these same people are annoying me.
So...advice welcome. From people here who have actually walked the road I'm on because I find myself really struggling with people IRL.
I know I got myself in this mess with being so lost for so long and just reaching out for any life line, but now, I am just doing the best I can with a 789 situation that I didn't ask for.
I guess advice on how to deal with bad advice, and why it bothers me so much.
Thanks, guys. I appreciate the lack of judgment here.
x
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Now - she is saying I need to wait to date, I'm not ready, I need to spend time alone and that if I'm not dating with the intention of marrying, I shouldn't date. Also that I need to just have female friends. (I almost threw up. I felt judged and controlled).
Hope there is no way in heck you have to only date with the attention to marry. That is ludicrous. If that was the case I would never date again because I am pretty sure I will never marry again.
If I am being totally honest I get the impression that you are still attached to your H. I am not judging I was too for the first year of D. You probably are not ready for a relationship but it doesn't hurt to meet new people.
I feel with dating you have to try to know if you are ready. A sign that you are not is if you compare everything about the person your with to your ex.
Looking back I would say I wasn't ready for at minimum a year and a half probably two.
As for bad advice I would kindly say "Thank you but I am not looking for any advice".
