Onward and Upward!

[97Hope]

Previous Thread:

Leaving it behind.


Moved myself on over to the D side! I used to read the posts here and hope and pray that I wouldn't be here, but I've accepted that this is my new life and it's not anywhere near as bad as I had imagined.

In a lot of ways, my life is so much more peaceful.

I had really hit my stride right up until I found out about OW. Still trying to shake the gross feeling deep down.

Today was so much better. I started my new job! A Lot of admin to do, won't really start working until Wednesday - and there are 2 days of observation. Then long 3 day weekend and I'm off to the races next Monday.

S19 Called today. He said the letter "made me absolutely lose it, I love you, Mom" - I'm hoping he is able to leave this chaos here. Well, there. I'm trying to keep it out of my head.

I was a little down this morning getting ready for work. For some reason it bothered me out of the blue to be so alone. I haven't really felt this until today.

I got to a place where I just woke up and got ready to go. IDK why today was different. But then I received a DM from several people cheering me on and it made a big difference.

Guess just feeling a little lonely. Maybe it's because son is back at school and he just left...

Time will help.

Crossfit classes have been full when I am free. Don't know if it's going to work out at the location closest to my house, but I need to do something. Can't sit here feeling like this.

Hope everyone found joy today in something.

[kml]

Wowzer - so sorry you didn't find out about the OW until the very end. Isn't it mind boggling that they can lie to your face for so long? 3 1/2 years is a lot of betrayal.

But you seem to have done good for yourself - education, new career, new place. You'll be ok. You've found out how nice it is not to be walking on eggshells or twisting yourself into a pretzel to please someone who can't be pleased.

I suspect you will find what I found, which is that all the men I dated after my divorce didn't seem to notice ANY of the things that my ex felt were "wrong" about me. You now know that this had nothing to do with you or your supposed faults. Be free! Living well is the best revenge.

[job]

97Hope,

I have fixed the link on your first posting here as well as linking this one to your old thread. Here is a thread on how to link threads. It will help you the next time you need to do linking.

How To Link Threads

[97Hope]

I suspect you will find what I found, which is that all the men I dated after my divorce didn't seem to notice ANY of the things that my ex felt were "wrong" about me. You now know that this had nothing to do with you or your supposed faults. Be free! Living well is the best revenge.

Kml, thank you so much for this!!!! Yes, you are right. The more people I talk to, the more I realize that the things that are "wrong" with me weren't wrong at all. Of course I had/have things to work on, and many places to grow, but the list he handed me at BD was unfair and untrue. I see that now.

I appreciate your encouragement!!

[kml]

Mine famously told me I "walked too heavy". And even worse, I'd "taught our daughter to walk too heavy".

Now first of all, I checked with several people, and there's nothing strange with my gait. Second, if I DID walk too heavy, and my daughter did too, wouldn't you think it's genetic versus me teaching her????

But I take it as a tribute to the fact that I was a pretty good wife if he had to reach that far to find something to complain about.

This process is great for self examination and we all come out better. It's good for us to work on ourselves. But its really seldom about the LBS spouse but about the cheater's flaws.

[97Hope]

I think what is upsetting me is that he and ow are telling all and sundry that I am abusive and controlling and her X is abusive and controlling (they have a script. sickening) and I KNOW I'm not.

If you want to leave your spouse for another, just say so. Don't blame them. Don't lie for years and act like you are the victim.

Maybe I'm getting to the anger stage - about dang time! I'm sick of sad. lol

[97Hope]

Busy day today but it was AWESOME. I had a great time with my new boss. We had to travel an hour to get my uniforms and ended up spending about 7 hours together.

At one point he mentioned that he called X during my background investigation and asked how long we had ben divorced. I told him it was final last week. Boss said that X couldn't say enough good things about me and he even asked X if he had anything negative to say but X said, no. Not one negative thing - Boss was confused because usually when he has to call an ex they are usually at best lukewarm.

He knows X professionally and said that X spoke about me like we were still together. I went ahead and shared a little with him (he is also an ordained minister) and said that I would prefer it not mentioned at the job.

Long story short, we did get a little personal, but he was impressed that I was able to do my training etc and no one had any idea of what I've been dealing with. He also wondered how I wasn't angry with X and I told him how I had my moments but I was focusing on my future (all true).

I was proud of myself in that moment. I did accomplish a LOT this past year. And I did it despite the mind games, the gaslighting, the cheating and the lies.

I am strong. I have my moments, but today was a great day.

Met a lot of my new coworkers and I feel like this is a great fit for me.

Onward and Upward!

[kml]

You're on your way! Awesome!

[97Hope]

Last two days went by in a blur. Very busy. 12 hour shifts and by the time I got home, I didn't even have time/desire to think about anything but what I had to do the next day.

I feel great! The job helps so much. Everyone there is treating me like I am a valuable member of a team. I have spent so much time feeling rejected, unimportant etc. that it's great to be valued.

Haven't thought a whole lot about X. When I do, it's not bad anymore. Just kind of "it is what it is".

Co-workers are curious about my X and the sitch (mostly males). I'm saying little except to my partner who I gave the broad stokes to.

He and I were out and ran into his BF and his friend said I was a '9'. LOL. Well, that felt great!

I think this schedule is going to work out great for me and I love the job itself. Exciting and rewarding and I feel like I've found my calling.

It's nice to hear the guys talk about their wives. In a strange way it reinforces that there are plenty of good men out there. I am so thankful that God put me where I am now. It's amazing how this has all worked out.

[97Hope]

Hey Elbereth.

After being through my own D, I no longer believe that we should focus on saving the marriage. I know that's how we all ended up here, but it's a flawed approach.

It's flawed because what we had is broken. What we had is gone now. We really don't want it back. We lie and say we do, but what we really want is A GOOD MARRIAGE. And to be honest, what we had wasn't a good marriage. If it was, it would still be intact. Even if you were the perfect spouse 110%, you can't be responsible in the least for another human's shortcomings.

So now, instead of worrying about your spouse and their underhanded BS what you need to do is worry about yourself. Make yourself the priority. Too many LBS's worry about their waywards. Don't. Your husband is fine, trust me. He's doing exactly what he wants to do right now.

Crappy huh? That's hard to hear but it's the truth. He's doing what he wants right now. He's doing who he wants right now.

You need to detach. You do that however you need to. Detaching is for your protection. It doesn't matter if your STBX thinks you're being mean or rude or whatever. Trust me, they can gaslight and manipulate perception of reality to make you seem like the bad person REGARDLESS, no matter how compassionate or cordial you are. So protect yourself however you need to.

So from this point on and FOREVER, you have to live your life 100% for yourself. Nobody else. You are a strong and worthy person. You deserve peace and happiness. Make the decision to love yourself enough to put yourself first.

And one more thing: get yourself a good attorney. Don't negotiate with terrorists. Get a good attorney that has YOUR interests in mind. DO NOT use the same attorney and think you are being gracious, or saving money, or being a good person. There is no such thing as "GOODNESS" in a divorce. A divorce is a business transaction.