Scott, I know you do a lot of work with these retreats and men’s clubs and GAL. You fill up every single second of your free time to distract yourself.
While anxiously GAL is a great thing, I’m worried that you can’t just “be” alone and still for any period of time. That’s what you should be working on. Not filling it in with dating.
Gradually introduce yourself to some quiet calm free time. It’s actually very rewarding. Binge watch a show in your sweats a few hours one day. Read a book NOT A REALTIONSHIO OR SEL HELP BOOK) learn a new hobby in the solitude of your home. Cool yourself a nice meal and then eat it alone.
Before you can be good company to another lady, you have to learn to be good solo company to yourself
Workout alone! I found doing that really is mentally and emotionally soothing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
To completely give up, walk away, and I would start dating.
Would you date others, when you're still attached enough your STBXW can rile you up?
Yes. Lots of people can rile me, that doesn’t mean I change my life because of it. Work colleagues, clients, kids, my brother. I’m not sure how someone pissing me off is the measuring stick. I am confident that for the rest of my life my STBXW will be pissing me off.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
You really think you are in a good mental Space to date?
Hm. I’m not looking for the next Mrs. Scottb. I’m just talking about going out for a drink here or there and getting back into the game.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Scott, take this time to work on yourself. Broken attracts broken. If you do not put in the work now, you will be setting yourself up for a future BD in a new R.
I am just saying that I’m about 95% done with my STBXW. Getting emails from her annoys me. Seeing her new picture for her new job on linkedin, I found her to be unattractive, old looking, and I think she’s losing hair. I feel sorry for her. She’s a mess; two faced, fake, I don’t want to deal with her anymore. She needs real help. Anyhow, I’ll be moving on fast when I move. I can feel it. We all walk our own path. We’ll see what mine looks like.
Scott, take this time to work on yourself. Broken attracts broken. If you do not put in the work now, you will be setting yourself up for a future BD in a new R.
I am just saying that I’m about 95% done with my STBXW. Getting emails from her annoys me. Seeing her new picture for her new job on linkedin, I found her to be unattractive, old looking, and I think she’s losing hair. I feel sorry for her. She’s a mess; two faced, fake, I don’t want to deal with her anymore. She needs real help. Anyhow, I’ll be moving on fast when I move. I can feel it. We all walk our own path. We’ll see what mine looks like.
Scott, read what Ginger said. Learn to be happy by yourself. It is your life, but we've seen others jump from one R to another with disastrous effects. Nothing wrong with being alone for a while, don't let fear dictate what you do next. I'd also highly recommend a good round of IC for several months to help you get over your trauma.
Last edited by Steve85; 01/28/2102:48 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes. Lots of people can rile me, that doesn’t mean I change my life because of it. Work colleagues, clients, kids, my brother. I’m not sure how someone pissing me off is the measuring stick. I am confident that for the rest of my life my STBXW will be pissing me off.
I see. Maybe a personality difference? My ex-wife, work colleagues, and most clients can't rile me up--because they have little to no power of me. My ex-GF still can, so I'm NC, and I'll be over her when she can't.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I found her to be unattractive, old looking, and I think she’s losing hair.
Is this objective Scott, or did you switch from rose-colored lenses to dark shades? When I felt into my ex-GF I focused on her eyes, her behind, and her fitness. When I was not, I focused on her age lines.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Anyhow, I’ll be moving on fast when I move. I can feel it. We all walk our own path. We’ll see what mine looks like.
Often people who rush into dating are masking something--e.g, their grief or inability to be happy solo. The first new person you sleep with after many years can stir up powerful emotions. If you don't take time to work out your baggage and figure out what you really want, the chance of getting stuck on someone unsuitable for a LTR with you seems high per other situations. You do you. Just food for thought. Stay strong, Scott!
Steve85 - I'm in IC, I don't feel like I'm getting much out of it but I'll keep doing it. I'm trying to get out of it what I can. It feels like all he wants me to do is connect with my emotions. I'll admit that is not my default and I'm not really sure why I need to do that. It seems that the perspective is that if I'm more connected to my emotions I'll live life more vibrantly I guess? Anyhow, I'll keep at it.
And I'm not going to jump into a LTR anytime soon. But, I would like to find a couple of women to be able to go out with from time to time. And CW is probably right, I'm probably using it to mask my grief - I think it has more to do with re-establishing my confidence. Either way, I do think it would be fun.
My STBXW and I are having a meeting on Saturday to go through a document that our mediator wants us to review. It feels risky to meet to do it, but I do like taking chances and it may lead to additional closure which would be great. I'll probably see her tonight as well at my son's lacrosse game as well. It will be interesting to see how my emotions react in each case.
Per Ginger's point, I grew up very lonely. I spent a lot of time alone before I got married. At that time I played tons of online poker to the point that I was able to calculate my hourly rate (which is when I quit). During baseball season I would plan my days around my favorite MLB teams. I didn't like that lifestyle.
During the work week I'm plenty busy. But with the cold and a full day on these weekends, it kind of stinks. Once the sun is out I'll have a lot more to do in the yard and other activities. Also, my kids will a combined 80 sporting events between 3/1 and 7/1 so if I stay in town I'll have stuff to do. Regardless though, I'm interested in getting out and meeting women to see what's out there.
I'm not sure that I seem the harm in it, other than it makes a road back to marriage more unlikely. But I don't see a road back anyhow, she's off the reservation, I don't think I love her any longer, I'm not sure if I like her, I know I don't trust her and I know I don't respect her at this point.
It do you think a quality woman will be a woman who is willing to be used to fill your void?
Or are you fine with a woman just looking to fill her void too?
Being a woman who I had been on and off dating sites who is looking for a real partner , not someone to fill a void, I literally fear men who aren’t being being honest and they just want to fill a void too.
It could potentially be harmful to the women you date of you aren’t honest. And if you fall for one and you haven’t changed that daddy codependent dynamic you had with your exW, well, there is a lot of harm in that.
An IC who helps you change dynamic for a future healthy you and an R would probably very beneficial.
Hey, no one knows being alone on a cold winters day better than me. And I can actually find someone to fill that void very easily. But it is not healthy and not fair to someone else, nor is it desirable to be
You are in control of your emotions, they don't simply "react" like you said but rather act in accordance with all the stories you tell yourself throughout the course of your life.
You look to her for closure? Her actions and words dictate your life? That is attachment and will lead you to this emotional, illogical spiral again.
When you feel the blood boiling today and tomorrow, pause and realize that your perspective is out of whack. Keep your thoughts and emotions in check. Get through these days knowing that even if you have been wronged that you are likely making a bigger deal out of it than you need to. Weigh each decision and realize what is important in your life. You don't need to let her dictate your happiness. I don't think God or Nature intended on you following her lead. You find your own way and do the right thing.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Scott, on IC. Do not settle for an IC that isn't working for you. We will shop around for a dog groomer or an auto shop, but for some reason people feel that they are obligated to an IC even if the IC isn't all that great. My advice, find a new IC. There are plenty out there.
As far as dating, it just isn't fair to the other person that you haven't dealt with the emotional baggage related to your soon-to-be failed marriage. You are young. You have plenty of time. It would be a shame for you to meet someone that normally would be a great match for you, only to have the R poisoned by those unresolved feelings and emotional baggage. Broken attracts broken, so unless you do the work on yourself post-D, you likely won't be attracted high-quality potentials.
And I know you are conning yourself into the "But, I would like to find a couple of women to be able to go out with from time to time." viewpoint. That is crap. The truth is that you have a few things going on underneath. First, you want to find your value and validation in being desired by other women. Second, you are afraid to be alone. Third, you want to show that low-down, no-good WAW just how quickly you can rebound with other prospects. And fourth, you think you have to have sex.
Those reasons are all horrible reasons to date. Maybe your world view is different than mine, but to me dating is to try to find a suitable long-term partner. A spouse. I've never understood the casual dating just to go out and have fun, and sleep with someone with no commitment. But that is just me. As I said before, it is your life, you get to choose what you do regardless of what others say, especially strangers on the internet.
Hang in there Scott. Onward and upward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And I'm not going to jump into a LTR anytime soon. But, I would like to find a couple of women to be able to go out with from time to time. And CW is probably right, I'm probably using it to mask my grief - I think it has more to do with re-establishing my confidence. Either way, I do think it would be fun.
This all sounds good in theory but I have been on many dates since my D and I think every single girl was looking for a relationship. They don't want to be your from time to time girl.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm not sure that I seem the harm in it, other than it makes a road back to marriage more unlikely.
I disagree. You are not likely to reconcile until you both have had other relationships.
