Onward and Upward!

[97Hope]

Yes. I'm still attached. IDK when that will fully go away, if ever. Detachment is a process. I am not willing to give him more years than I already have - I think that's why it made me angry. She just doesn't get it.

I don't want to be with him. He is still texting/trying to FaceTime..I'm not interested. I don't miss him, I miss old him, but it's like that guy died and is never coming back. When he was here, I felt pity for him but not love love.

When does the clock start, though? It's been 3.6 years since Dday. I've been in IC (regularly) for the first 3 years, and as needed since. IC said I was definitely ready.

Just ticked off because I really wanted to meet that guy. First guy in a looooooong time I've felt any attraction to. There are other guys out there, of course, but it's rare that I have any interest in getting to know a guy.

I think it just ticked me off because it felt so judgy and controlling. Trigger for me.

Love your advice re: advice.

It makes sense that I won't know until I try.

Also - it's completely rational and reasonable that we don't want to remarry. Possibly ever. Nothing wrong with that.

Ugh. This friend has really been there for me. IDK why she gets like this.

Thanks for advice, LH.

[LH19]

Hope,

So let’s assume your ready to date and you decide you are starting a clean slate and you will answer all questions honestly with the person you are dating. It comes up during the date that you were just intimate with your STBXH 3 months ago. How do you think they will respond to this statement?

[bttrfly]

I have a couple of people in my life who've weighed in with opinions when they aren't asked ... one is related to me the other one of my closest friends. I won't lie - there's now a distance, on my part, from them doing this repeatedly and not accepting my boundaries.

the friend says things like "why are you even blah blah blah. I would just" and until in exasperation I've said things like, well, I'm not you. This isn't your life. It's mine, and I have to do what makes sense to me, not what makes sense to you. I've also said no, you DON'T know. You think you do, but you aren't here living it every day so you could not possibly know. Our relationship has not been the same since, nor do I think we will ever get back to where we were.

the relative went OFF on me about possibly dating - I'm talking meeting someone for coffee, not dinner, not drinks, not a weekend away, a freaking cup of coffee -- it will be YEARS before you're ready (this was two years ago) ... I'm like, whaaaa? no. done.

I felt my only recourse in both cases was to stop talking about specifics and just answer "fine" to most everything now or to change the subject to something else, and it they persist, change to a subject they are not very open about sharing on their end. Gets the point across, probably passive agressive but enough is enough, really. They rarely offer unsolicited comments now, but also we no longer have the closeness we once did.

It's hurtful, but I don't need to be judged.

I suppose maybe a simpler thing would be to say something like I prefer not to discuss that.

[AndrewP]

There are people who can date someone else while they still have an emotional attachment to an ex - personally I can say from experience that that's a bad idea. A woman I dated essentially wanted to turn me into a more acceptable version of her ex - down to the clothes and wearing a gold chain

There are also people who detach firmly, quickly and completely. I would suggest that most of the people who end up on forums like this aren't those sort of people. I know that it took me literally years for that. AND I thought I was ready to date at 6 months out. Got talked down from that.

Given my own set of circumstances I'm waffling around. For right now I have no interest in dating for any sort of intention. Prior to that I was dating with the intention of finding a new partner - and got burned badly - twice - in that experience.

I personally think that the more clearly you can have your own baggage categorized and taken care of with no distracting strings or emotions pulling you in unexpected directions the better you will be able to have a satisfying relationship of any sort.

[kml]

Everybody’s experience is different, but the key thing that should be present before you date is that you are truly DONE with your ex. It’s not fair to date someone if you would return to your ex if they came begging to have you back. That’s not fair to the person you’re dating.

Also, you need to have processed your breakup and done the work to grow from it and deal with your own demons.

That being said, this may look very different for different people. I started dating about three months after my husband of 24 years left. Normally that would be a TERRIBLE idea. But in my case, my husband had had an affair about 7 years prior. I had found this place and DB’d my husband, we had a successful reconciliation and I did considerable deep work on myself and my marriage. We had several very good years, but as he approached 50 and a midlife crisis, he finally left for good. That was really his third strike, as he’d also cheated on me at the start of our marriage. Once he filed for divorce, I was done. I had peace in my heart that I’d done everything possible to save my marriage, and I realized that after three strikes, there was no way I would ever be able to trust him again under any circumstances. So I was really completely ready to date, but it had been a 7 year long process of growth and letting go prior.

[DejaVu6]

Hi Hope.

I started dating about eight months after BD once I had signed the separation agreement. I wasn’t sure I was ready but I was sure there was no going back and I wanted to move forward. In hindsight, it was exactly what I needed. I think when something like this happens to us, we have this inner fear that no one will be attracted to us or that we “blew” our chance at happiness somehow. I quickly discovered that wasn’t the case and it was the boost I needed to get through those final stages of detachment from my previous life and marriage. Notice that I said my life and not my ex? I realized that I had been alone for years before my XH actually left so it wasn’t so much him that I was detaching from but it was more from the idea of him and the life that I thought we would actually have together. They were just thoughts. ..not the reality. Once I figured that out and accepted it, moving on just came naturally.

I’m sure there were people in my life who thought it was too soon for me to date. My brother even told me he thought I should be alone for a couple years first. That kind of blew me away. But he lives on the other side of the country and didn’t really understand where I was at emotionally. He was just imagining himself in the same situation and telling me what he thought he would need to do if he was me. He’s not me though. And his marriage is not mine. So...I thanked him for his opinion and did what I thought was right for me.

I don’t think there is any harm at all in casually dating someone as long as you are honest with people about where you are at. Re: your friend. Do you need her to introduce you to this guy? Or is there another way you could meet him? I wouldn’t totally give up on the idea if there is a way you could cut her out of the picture.

(((Hugs)))

[97Hope]

Hope,

So let’s assume your ready to date and you decide you are starting a clean slate and you will answer all questions honestly with the person you are dating. It comes up during the date that you were just intimate with your STBXH 3 months ago. How do you think they will respond to this statement?

No idea, but I'm not ready for serious dating. I'm just talking about going out for coffee, etc.

If my s past came up, that would be awkward for me until I really got to know someone. If/when things got serious - and they had an issue with how I got through a D after 24 years, I guess that would probably be a thing for me.

I did the best I could given my situation. I've learned from it, but I won't be with anyone who picks it apart. They should get to know where I am today - If they were that concerned, I'd probably say they need to look elsewhere.

[97Hope]

I have a couple of people in my life who've weighed in with opinions when they aren't asked ... one is related to me the other one of my closest friends. I won't lie - there's now a distance, on my part, from them doing this repeatedly and not accepting my boundaries.

This is me now. Starting to put some distance between me and those who just don't understand.

the friend says things like "why are you even blah blah blah. I would just" and until in exasperation I've said things like, well, I'm not you. This isn't your life. It's mine, and I have to do what makes sense to me, not what makes sense to you. I've also said no, you DON'T know. You think you do, but you aren't here living it every day so you could not possibly know. Our relationship has not been the same since, nor do I think we will ever get back to where we were.

When people say "I would just" - it's usually a clear indication that they have zero clues. They really don't know.

the relative went OFF on me about possibly dating - I'm talking meeting someone for coffee, not dinner, not drinks, not a weekend away, a freaking cup of coffee -- it will be YEARS before you're ready (this was two years ago) ... I'm like, whaaaa? no. done.

Same.

It's hurtful, but I don't need to be judged.

Yup.

I suppose maybe a simpler thing would be to say something like I prefer not to discuss that.

I've sat on this for about a week. I've decided just to be honest with her and give her the option to keep it to herself or not, but I will no longer discuss it with her.

Are they given a script? Lol - these are almost verbatim what I have heard and how I feel about it.

[97Hope]

There are people who can date someone else while they still have an emotional attachment to an ex - personally I can say from experience that that's a bad idea. A woman I dated essentially wanted to turn me into a more acceptable version of her ex - down to the clothes and wearing a gold chain .

Yikes!

Given my own set of circumstances I'm waffling around. For right now I have no interest in dating for any sort of intention. Prior to that I was dating with the intention of finding a new partner - and got burned badly - twice - in that experience..

My intention is to meet new people and make friends first. I can see where looking for a new partner wouldn't work out - but mostly because I ask around and read the threads here a lot.

I personally think that the more clearly you can have your own baggage categorized and taken care of with no distracting strings or emotions pulling you in unexpected directions the better you will be able to have a satisfying relationship of any sort.

Thanks, Andrew. I've read your sitch and glad you are clear of your last one.

I think the point is - only we know for sure where we are emotionally, and it's good to have support and advice - but we shouldn't be judged when we do what we think is best for us.

Now - a good friend saying - danger, will rogers!! is different, but blanket rules/statements from people who haven't walked this is different.

[97Hope]

Everybody’s experience is different, but the key thing that should be present before you date is that you are truly DONE with your ex. It’s not fair to date someone if you would return to your ex if they came begging to have you back. That’s not fair to the person you’re dating.

Also, you need to have processed your breakup and done the work to grow from it and deal with your own demons.

That being said, this may look very different for different people. I started dating about three months after my husband of 24 years left. Normally that would be a TERRIBLE idea. But in my case, my husband had had an affair about 7 years prior. I had found this place and DB’d my husband, we had a successful reconciliation and I did considerable deep work on myself and my marriage. We had several very good years, but as he approached 50 and a midlife crisis, he finally left for good. That was really his third strike, as he’d also cheated on me at the start of our marriage. Once he filed for divorce, I was done. I had peace in my heart that I’d done everything possible to save my marriage, and I realized that after three strikes, there was no way I would ever be able to trust him again under any circumstances. So I was really completely ready to date, but it had been a 7 year long process of growth and letting go prior.

Same here! Married 24 years. He had affairs in 2012. We reconciled - then he announced abruptly in 2017 he wanted a divorce. I didn't know about AP this time until several months ago, but I was done at that point. I still had hope prior to that, deep down. Finding out this was all a crock of hooey helped me see him for who he was. Understanding that even if it was MLC/PTSD - whatever - I was not willing to spend another minute in R with a cheater.

I didn't know about AP in November but I had a suspicion. At that point, I think I was still feeling the effects of gaslighting.

I had no idea our sitches were so similar. ((((Kml)))