Yes so it would usually involve her or us. I just realised though that i didnt always approach it in such a straightforward way, would usually be quite passive aggressive or make comments or withdraw. Did sometimes say things straight but either way yes she would get very defensive and start telling me things i did wrong. Do think it happened at different times and different circumstances as well, so not always the same situation. When she started screaming or shouting i started to just switch off and withdraw or say that im not going to talk to her if she shouts at me.
I dont have kids and havent seen her in 6 months, the paragraph above is stuff that would happen while we were together. After she left she would send me long messages saying hurtful things and blaming me and i would try to justify myself but i stopped doing this after a while and started apologising and trying to validate her and the way she felt.
I think its a feeling of never feeling good enough, i am my harshest critic and i struggle to forgive myself for mistakes i have made. I think i do know why and im working on my issues through IC at the moment so i will get there. I do get what you say about taking the mentality of a victim, i know i have done that and i need to sort it out asap.
Thanks for the advice Sandi.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
I think its a feeling of never feeling good enough, i am my harshest critic and i struggle to forgive myself for mistakes i have made.
We can only do our best. A week ago, I said on the night of my BD #3 I did not do my best and my behavior fell short of my standards. But that's neither being kind nor true. My best changes day by day. There may be a general upward trend, but there will be times we're tired, stressed, or trying new things.
Originally Posted by Ace_32
After she left she would send me long messages saying hurtful things and blaming me and i would try to justify myself but i stopped doing this after a while and started apologising and trying to validate her and the way she felt.
We can learn from our mistakes. What would you say in your next relationship--with this woman or another--if your partner were angry and believed you'd wronged them, but you felt justified in your actions? What would you say about your previous behaviors--justifying, apologizing, and validating?
Hi CWarrior. True, many things can be going on that can make us act in a different way. Especially when emotions get involved its harder to be the person we want to be. Sorry you are going through this a 3rd time, that must be tough.
That is a very difficult question actually... i think in future i would try to listen to understand instead of listening to respond, actually try to understand why my behavior hurt her and genuinely validate her emotions. Then if the situation permits i would explain my side. But this is quite tricky when boundaries are crossed, etc. In that case i would probably need to stand my ground. Its quite difficult to tell how i would be in future when everything is still so fresh and i am still trying to heal.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
I think its a feeling of never feeling good enough, i am my harshest critic and i struggle to forgive myself for mistakes i have made. I think i do know why and im working on my issues through IC at the moment so i will get there. I do get what you say about taking the mentality of a victim, i know i have done that and i need to sort it out asap
The not feeling good enough and victim mentality Ace, if you don't mind sharing, why do you think you have this?
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
I think the not feeling good enougg comes from my childhood, my dad was always very critical and difficult to please. I could never feel like anything was good enough no matter what i accomplished. I guess that became my own internal narrative to this day, and everyone i know says i am too hard on myself.
Not sure about the victim mentality, i think its an instilled fear of rejection. I havent figured out where that comes from yet but its most likely to do with having to try be what i feel people think i should be and when i dont then they won't accept me. I guess i feel sorry for myself when i feel rejected for who i am.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
When she started screaming or shouting i started to just switch off and withdraw or say that im not going to talk to her if she shouts at me.
Sounds as if she couldn't take criticism and her defense was to scream/shout. I doubt just telling her you aren't going to talk when she's reacting that way is enough.
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After she left she would send me long messages saying hurtful things and blaming me and i would try to justify myself but i stopped doing this after a while and started apologising and trying to validate her and the way she felt.
I've read how a lot of angry W's have this need to hurt their H, and will send them letters, etc. It doesn't really end as long as the other one is trying to justify themselves, but I don't think you should apologize for something you aren't guilty of doing. A lot of women who have this type of anger, are not satisfied with an apology. An apology isn't always a healer. She's mad at whatever and she doesn't care how many times you apologize, she's still mad.
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I think its a feeling of never feeling good enough, i am my harshest critic and i struggle to forgive myself for mistakes i have made. I think i do know why and im working on my issues through IC at the moment so i will get there.
I'm really glad to hear you are in counseling.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Fair enough, didnt resolve anything. When she stopped doing that was what actually scared me, because then i new she had given up trying. Like i said i should have seen BD coming.
True, she only stopped doing that when i stopped pursuing or trying to justify myself. I apologised that i made her feel that way and for things i know i did. Alot of it is stuff from years ago as well, it seems like she never forgave me or let anything go or she was just bringing it all up to justify her own actions and alleviate her guilt. I had apologised for these things many times in the past, i tried to change myself but did make the same mistakes again sometimes.
Thanks Sandi, the counselor is helping me deal with the loss of my marriage as well as internal issues i have had for most of my life and i believe he will be able to help me move forward.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
I think the not feeling good enough comes from my childhood, my dad was always very critical and difficult to please. I could never feel like anything was good enough no matter what i accomplished. I guess that became my own internal narrative to this day, and everyone i know says i am too hard on myself.
I grew up in a very critical household Ace, I have these same feelings. IC is definitely helping me overcome this. Keep at it, mate. 30-odd years is hard to change, so have patience my friend. You will get there if you put the work in. It's amazing the results you get from prolonged and consistent effort.
Originally Posted by Ace_32
Not sure about the victim mentality, I think its an instilled fear of rejection. I haven't figured out where that comes from yet but its most likely to do with having to try be what I feel people think i should be and when I don't then they won't accept me. I guess I feel sorry for myself when I feel rejected for who i am.
And the when you get close to people you pull away because you're afraid they won't like the real you? So you can be open with strangers but not those closest to you in life? When you grow up in an environment of criticism you try and be what you think people will like so you can stop it. Problem is that brings other issues, such as people pleasing and fear of rejection.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Sounds like we have alot in common OnlyBent, glad it is helping you. Thanks man, yeah i guess i only realised these things the last few years and identifying the problem is the first step to making a change. I have faith that i can put the work in and improve.
Yes so i always build up strong walls and it takes a long time for someone to break through, then when i finally let someone in it doesnt really work out. Well that is my experience so far anyway. I am quite reserved and dont really put myself out there, generally talk about superficial things but i dont think i pretend when im around people i just hold parts of myself back unless i feel comfortable with the person. Starting to learn to change this slowly. I think everytime a relationship falls apart i build up more walls though to protect myself the next time, which i need to sort out.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
True, she only stopped doing that when i stopped pursuing or trying to justify myself. I apologised that i made her feel that way and for things i know i did. Alot of it is stuff from years ago as well, it seems like she never forgave me or let anything go or she was just bringing it all up to justify her own actions and alleviate her guilt. I had apologised for these things many times in the past, i tried to change myself but did make the same mistakes again sometimes.
A technique I've found useful is "Repair". A top researcher in this area is Dr. Gottman. If you Google, you'll find a 10-minute summary, "How to Repair The Little Things So They Don't Become Big Things." As the name implies, it requires an existing relationship that you both want to repair (you probably aren't there yet). Your partner would also have to be willing to air a grievance in a non-abusive manner (so you don't abort--boundaries). PS - It's okay to repeat some mistakes. You're human!
