Thanks Spiral for the update. I know that once I started to embrace what was happening I actually had a bit of excitement about the prospects moving forward. We eventually reconciled but I there will always be a piece of me that wonders what life would have been like.
Bottom line, no matter whether you R or D, you will be fine and even thrive again!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not much new to report on my sitch. August and September have been pretty good months and my efforts to GAL have really started to bear fruit (although to be fair, I had a life before and my GAL has really been pouring all of myself into all other aspects of my life). I haven't spun into an hours and hours long depression since the Fourth of July weekend and the bad dreams are mostly a thing of the past. For the most part, I've stuck to DBing pretty well and have given it 100%. Of course, at the outset, I did it thinking that it would save my marriage. But DBing (and IC) have really helped and I credit them with getting me back on my feet and moving forward in 4 to 5 months time after BD.
On the marriage saving front, there hasn't been any progress and it doesn't seem like there was ever any chance whatsoever to turn things around. She has devoted herself to her new life with OM and it seems to be going extremely well for her. I suppose that is for the best since my children spend half of their time with her and the OM. From what I know, OM is embracing the role of a step-father too. Of course, I haven't had any R talks with her, but I get snippets here and there from the kids about their life over there and they seem happy with it. Haven't seen or heard anything to suggest she's having second thoughts or any hesitation. (But what would I know, after all there was an OM on the scene for some period of time and I had no idea). Far as I can tell, this whole "affair fog" thing doesn't actually exist...at least for my wife. Time will tell whether her new relationship will endure, but it plainly is going to endure long enough for me to hit D day.
I also really started to get my swagger back in July and, of course, women started to notice immediately. So, things are going to be all right after all.
Life keeps getting better and better (although, of course, BD is a pretty low starting point). I rarely think about saving my marriage anymore given all that has transpired. It has been 8 months now. But D day won't be arriving quite as quickly as expected. We were right on the cusp of the D when she started dragging her feet and stalling for time. I didn't see that coming. For all I know, she's still truly, madly, and deeply in love with OM and she is always wearing an engagement ring when I see her. But she stopped short of pulling the last lever. I could have put my foot on the gas, but I did not. I think she's afraid that she won't have any control if there's a D.
Also had a bit of excitement a few weeks ago. She's convinced that I'm seeing someone and is constantly looking for evidence of it. She even told me that it was wrong for me to see someone else when we're still married, that she could move back at any point, and that she would push for D if I was seeing someone else. Considering her relationship with OM and the fact that we were days out from D at that point, the reaction seemed very odd to me. But I said nothing.
I think I've made sound progress toward detachment. DBing certainly will help you save yourself and get you moving forward. And I'm grateful for the board's help in doing that. There just wasn't any chance to save my marriage after BD.
Life keeps getting better and better (although, of course, BD is a pretty low starting point). I rarely think about saving my marriage anymore given all that has transpired. It has been 8 months now. But D day won't be arriving quite as quickly as expected. We were right on the cusp of the D when she started dragging her feet and stalling for time. I didn't see that coming. For all I know, she's still truly, madly, and deeply in love with OM and she is always wearing an engagement ring when I see her. But she stopped short of pulling the last lever. I could have put my foot on the gas, but I did not. I think she's afraid that she won't have any control if there's a D.
Also had a bit of excitement a few weeks ago. She's convinced that I'm seeing someone and is constantly looking for evidence of it. She even told me that it was wrong for me to see someone else when we're still married, that she could move back at any point, and that she would push for D if I was seeing someone else. Considering her relationship with OM and the fact that we were days out from D at that point, the reaction seemed very odd to me. But I said nothing.
I think I've made sound progress toward detachment. DBing certainly will help you save yourself and get you moving forward. And I'm grateful for the board's help in doing that. There just wasn't any chance to save my marriage after BD.
Spiral
Nice to read your update. It is all so very typical. By that I mean her checking up on you and threatening you with possible divorce if you start seeing someone else. That is just her making sure you stay put and remain her plan B. You need to remove that reassurance from her. I hope you are not reassuring her in any way, shape or form. If you are, you need to stop doing that.
You are doing very well and I congratulate you on that. GAL, keep living your life and prosper. Enjoy the new you.
Also had a bit of excitement a few weeks ago. She's convinced that I'm seeing someone and is constantly looking for evidence of it. She even told me that it was wrong for me to see someone else when we're still married, that she could move back at any point, and that she would push for D if I was seeing someone else. Considering her relationship with OM and the fact that we were days out from D at that point, the reaction seemed very odd to me. But I said nothing.
It is all so very typical. By that I mean her checking up on you and threatening you with possible divorce if you start seeing someone else. That is just her making sure you stay put and remain her plan B. You need to remove that reassurance from her. I hope you are not reassuring her in any way, shape or form. If you are, you need to stop doing that.
Seriously? SHE told YOU it was wrong for to see someone else while married...when she herself is in another relationship?!? The gall. What is wrong with people?
I went back and read your entire thread and two things stood out to me:
1) You seemed much stronger from the start than most newbies on here (myself included), so good for you. Even if your marriage isn't saved you can know you stood strong for yourself and your kids. 2) In reference to the "don't see anyone you're still married" topic above, even in your first post back 6 months ago you wrote "She even went so far as to tell me that it was fair to just discard her like that after 20 years." Again, she sounds delusional. She is having an affair, moving out, and filing for divorce...yet saying you're not being fair for discarding her?!? Unreal.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Nine months have gone by. No marriage saving or divorce progress to report. However, she's still tremendously interested in keep tabs on my social life and even searched my emails for information on who I might be seeing. But enough about her. I don't have any marriage saving advice to impart and we've all read the same posts. So, what's the point in adding anything more about her?
GAL and detachment, on the other hand, are going splendidly. I dare say that I'm even having a bit of fun these days. I made a solid effort at preparing a lovely Thanksgiving meal, but fell far short in the execution. Cooking is more difficult that it seems. Kids didn't seem to mind and we had fun anyway. Then, I had three days all to myself. I was anticipating suffering through a bout of melancholy and spinning. But it never materialized and all in all it was an enjoyable break. In the pre-BD days, I certainly had better Thanksgivings, but I also had worse. I'm doing alright just like the vets said that I would be.
My marriage might end in 2021. It might not. But I don't invest my time in trying to control the outcome anymore, nor do I wonder what she and OM are doing (even on Thanksgiving weekend when the kids are with them). I live my life and I am content without her. I have never once checked her social media or even driven by her new home. Whenever anyone else brings her up, I change the topic or end the conversation.
For those wondering how to speed their detachment along, you simply need to GAL. You GAL when you want to. You GAL when you don't want to. You GAL when you have time. You GAL when you don't have time. You imagine the man or woman you want to be, you figure out how to make progress toward who you want to be, and then you keep taking steps forward no matter what. Along the way, you'll heal from the wounds and you'll move on.
Detachment is easier if you are the one who stays in the MBR and in the marital home. There's really no sense in your being the one to move if your name is on the title.
But, if you must know, your spouse will notice and react to your detachment. And they will try to get you to re-attach.
