Help.

[97Hope]

I'm at the point where I'm able to purge and return back a number of her items. There is still more however I'm just going about this at a pace that feels good. I'd like to know anyone's thoughts on this letter?

(Again we share a 2yr old so keeping a healthy communication I think is important to me)


Hi.
While going through the house I’ve been coming across things that I believe are yours. I thought it would be best to start returning them to you. In the event some of these things are not yours feel free to gift them or dispose of them. Please know I’m not been vindictive I’m solely respecting your belongings as well as this is part of my process. As much as I love your taste and style passing these back to you now is the healthy thing.

-(me)

I would leave that out. I think as little contact as possible is the best route, but if you must send a letter be as brief as possible.

My best advice - pack it away and put it out of sight and don't mention it unless asked.

When X moved out I packed his things away (very nicely, even tissue wrapped some things lol) and put them in a closet. I recommend that. Wait for her to ask for her things unless space is an issue.

X came to me at some point, and I was able to say - all of your things from MBR are packed away in the closet. (He ended up with the home so they just stayed there until I moved out).

I don't regret that choice.

Stay on your journey, leave her to hers. Don't talk to her about your journey, let her see with her own eyes, or not. You are just doing what YOU need to do to move forward.

IMO - that is a good step for you!!

[Jhopeful]

So the things I've been purging are things that she will notice that are gone off the walls and such. I should just let her notice that they are gone when she comes to pick up my daughter and then wait for her ask? And would that be instead of sending her the edited message you proposed. I kind of like your proposal - and then let her come and pick them up whenever she wants.

[97Hope]

YES! Let her notice and ask. Any contact initiated by you could seem as pursuit.

If/when she asks - a simple - I put it in the closet. And then let her know 2 days/times you will be available.

W: Where's my stuff?/What did you do with my things?/WTF?? My stuff!!!???

H: I packed it up. I am free Monday between 11-12 or Tuesday between 4-6.

or even better...

H: I packed it up. I can leave it on the porch, let me know if you would like to come by on Monday or Tuesday.

Remember - you are busy!! GALing and kids and your new exciting life.

You don't put anything in her court. You aren't available last minute, or at her leisure. And you do NOT need or want an excuse to see her. You are moving forward in a positive direction. : )

[unchien]

Great suggested edit by 97Hope.

Any written communication should just be the facts. No feelings.

[Jhopeful]

Thanks everyone.

Here's a number of updates that I would love feedback on.


1) Over the course of the week she sent texted me a message saying "did you see my jacket omg Instagram?" - I said I hadn't because I haven't been on in weeks. She sent me picture of it and I gave her some praise and positive feedback. She listed it to sell on line and it sold within 12 hours and sent me a message to tell me. I asked her how it felt and she said "pretty awesome"

We exchanged some light texts with pictures of our daughter on Friday. She wanted to see more pics I just sent her 1.

1___> How should I read these types of reachings out? In the past this is what has brought her more forward to me.



The next day I started to really feel the anger surface. Anger of the coldness and how it feels like she's 100% completely gone. On the other side of the anger I find a more pure idea of what I want and how I want to love her (or someone else).

All my feelings are pretty intense. Sometimes I spiral (most) and need company on the phone.


2) yesterday I tore my MCL and ended up in the hospital. I did not call her for help. I coordinated additional hours for my nanny to help me and started getting my mind straight on what was a head of me. This is not to say I really wanted her nurturing and sympathy. I didn't make a big deal of it because I didn't want her to come here and then leave, like ripping the bandaide off. Meanwhile I felt like I may have been rejecting her love as I've done in the past (she's a nurse). I sent her a matter of fact text telling her what had happened and how I was working on plans to take care of our daughter while I sort things out. I mentioned "if I need anything I'll reach out. She replied, I'm so sorry do you need anything, I replied No but if I do I'll reach out. Moment later she asked if I would be able to get our daughter in and out of the crib, I replied, yes. she replied ok.
2___> Thoughts?


3) This morning she dropped our daughter off. I cleaned up, shaved. Straight back open heart and ready to see her - the days she's dropped her off I'm typically working in my home office thus I just saw her for the first time n a few weeks the nanny was in the room.
She hardly looked at me and spoke mostly to the nanny - I though that was odd. She also had a higher toned pitch in her voice.
3___> Thoughts?



4) I almost called her bf to ask if she thought what would be the best course of action - being more open or space? Space feels like that's at the expense of coming off the way our relationship went.
4___>




5)
- I'm afraid I'm starving her of authentic recognition that I hadn't given her before.

- I'm afraid I'm abandoning her through shutting down which is how I was in the relationship.

- Basically everything that I was doing to hurt her feels like what I am doing to her now.
5___> Thoughts?



6)
I also bought Divorce Remedy - should I read Divorce Busters first? I think my DB coach mentioned reading Divorce Busters first??
6___> Thoughts

7)
My coach also recommended trying to build a friendship first with her......I'm still wrapping my head around that one.
7___> Thoughts


8)
She requested a few weeks ago that we schedule an appointment to see a mediator. I volunteered that her after my training I would reach out to them. I called them this morning. I would love any and all thoughts around this
8___> Thoughts


THANK YOU ALL!

[LH19]

1) Over the course of the week she sent texted me a message saying "did you see my jacket omg Instagram?" - I said I hadn't because I haven't been on in weeks. She sent me picture of it and I gave her some praise and positive feedback. She listed it to sell on line and it sold within 12 hours and sent me a message to tell me. I asked her how it felt and she said "pretty awesome"

Do not reply to these kinds of texts.

2) yesterday I tore my MCL and ended up in the hospital. I did not call her for help. I coordinated additional hours for my nanny to help me and started getting my mind straight on what was a head of me. This is not to say I really wanted her nurturing and sympathy. I didn't make a big deal of it because I didn't want her to come here and then leave, like ripping the bandaide off. Meanwhile I felt like I may have been rejecting her love as I've done in the past (she's a nurse). I sent her a matter of fact text telling her what had happened and how I was working on plans to take care of our daughter while I sort things out. I mentioned "if I need anything I'll reach out. She replied, I'm so sorry do you need anything, I replied No but if I do I'll reach out. Moment later she asked if I would be able to get our daughter in and out of the crib, I replied, yes. she replied ok.

I am sorry about your MCL.Do not ask her for anything that doesn't include something with your daughter.

3) This morning she dropped our daughter off. I cleaned up, shaved. Straight back open heart and ready to see her - the days she's dropped her off I'm typically working in my home office thus I just saw her for the first time n a few weeks the nanny was in the room.
She hardly looked at me and spoke mostly to the nanny - I though that was odd. She also had a higher toned pitch in her voice.

Way too much over analyzing. She will run hot and cold with you.

4) I almost called her bf to ask if she thought what would be the best course of action - being more open or space? Space feels like that's at the expense of coming off the way our relationship went.

Do not talk to her BF about this. Period! Time and Space are the only things that turn these things around long-term.

- I'm afraid I'm starving her of authentic recognition that I hadn't given her before.

- I'm afraid I'm abandoning her through shutting down which is how I was in the relationship.

- Basically everything that I was doing to hurt her feels like what I am doing to her now.

Anything that starts with "I'm afraid" is not good.

I also bought Divorce Remedy - should I read Divorce Busters first? I think my DB coach mentioned reading Divorce Busters first??

Do what your coach recommends here.

My coach also recommended trying to build a friendship first with her......I'm still wrapping my head around that one.

This is one area where the coach and the board differ.

She requested a few weeks ago that we schedule an appointment to see a mediator. I volunteered that her after my training I would reach out to them. I called them this morning. I would love any and all thoughts around this

Do not lift a finger to help her D you!

JH,

You are operating out of fear right now and that is typically a recipe for disaster.

So tell me JH what are you really afraid of?

[SteveLW]

This seems like a good time to share this thread with you:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=61873&Number=2824328#Post2824328

[markw]

Steve, just read the link - very good post about accepting what she says and not show anger at her.

[Jhopeful]

LH19 - A vision of love that I now understand. The heavy burden of regret. The pain of this learning. This is something I have tried to avoid my entire life. The reality I held is now gone and the sadness around that. The convolution that this brings to my daughter.

[Jhopeful]

Steve85 - thanks I started reading the thread now. It's heavy.