She's being kind, and I can't help that my stance is me looking like a non-kind person and not building any bridges..... maybe someday I'll look back on this thread and it will all make sense.
Most LBS's panic and analyze every utterance their WAS makes, analyzes everything they do and beat themselves up for any action or vocalization that wasn't perfect.
Even if you do everything 100% perfectly starting today, this is still a months/years long turnaround.
When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.
As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.
If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.
Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"
Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, fort an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.
Over time, you have trained each other what to expect from the other. She knows how you will react to any given situation, what you will say, how you will act, and she has decided that's not compatible with what she wants.
If you decide you don't want that either, and decide to make a change for yourself, initially she'll think you're just doing it as a gambit to get her back and as soon as she lets her guard down, you'll revert to who you "really are" in terms of who you've trained her that you are.
In order to turn this around she needs to *fully believe* that you've changed, and that you're not doing it just to get her back.
How do you convince her of that?
(1) Repetition, lots and lots of repetition in terms of reacting differently, acting differently, than you have historically.
(2) Acting differently when no one is looking
(3) Finding a life for your new self that doesn't require her. That's the only way you make it credible that your changes are for you. She won't even see them until she believes that you don't need her.
She's being kind, and I can't help that my stance is me looking like a non-kind person and not building any bridges..... maybe someday I'll look back on this thread and it will all make sense.
You're right J. You are being a jerk. I mean being short with your responses are way worse than BDing your spouse and moving out of the house.
I don't say that to be sarcastic but to point out how illogical LBSs can get when it comes to this stuff. It is like when my W got all indignant about my snooping on her. As if snooping and finding out about her EA was worse than carrying on an EA with an OM!!
J, you are basing things on feelings. You need to start thinking about things logically. You cannot nice her back, that is something that I can guarantee you. We've seen it time and time and time again in these situations. You can try and learn the hard way. Or you can listen to those that have gone before and realize that doing what FEELS right is not the same as doing what is best.
Bottom line, it is your sitch. Handle it the way you want. Though I will warn you, therapists typically do not get DBing. That is why if you go to IC to SAVE your marriage, you will get bad advice. If you go to IC to IMPROVE yourself, you will be much better off.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Jh, just caught up on the last page of posts. The "Oh my Josh" thing has me wondering. Is there any chance that she might be back with her ex? Maybe the Oh my Gosh/Josh thing is just a coincidence. However, I'm a firm believer in what an anti-D expert wrote regarding WW and moving out.
Wives do not need own place to work on the relationship or to find themselves. Wives need their own place to sleep with other people.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
it's more clear that there is so much mis-communication and understanding missing between us, and it's like she's running on resentment and not seeing what has been really going on. she's also really stubborn.
It will get worse, and she's going to test you in several ways. It's not b/c she is conflicted or having second thoughts. It's b/c she wants assurance that you are still emotionally attached.
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She's being kind,
Just wait, she'll change. Kindness from the WW is often her sneaky way of manipulation, and the guy never has a clue.
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I can't help that my stance is me looking like a non-kind person and not building any bridges..... maybe someday I'll look back on this thread and it will all make sense.
Okay, let's talk about this. I think I may have said something once before about LBH's with NGS having trouble balancing how they view things when we start discussing some DBing techniques. For example, you've brought up words like, cold and non-kind in the past couple of posts. So, I'm curious. If you were to describe the actions of a strong man in a sitch such as yours, how would he look to you? Would you see him as a man of who commands respect? Do you see him being a harsh disciplinarian? Do you see strength as unkind or impolite? Do you see detaching as acting mad and/or cold? These are areas you seem to be resisting, so let's talk about what your mind sees when you think of a strong man.
Now you may not like my next question, but let's get down to the nitty-gritty. Why does it bother you so much at the thought of not responding to your WW in your usual manner? Like, why does it bother you if you don't reply to every single photo she sends, or her text that has no question? Why does it bother you if I suggest you need to use less words when texting her? Why do you see it as being cold or impolite? Don't say it's b/c you love her. You've got to get down in the raw meat about who you are as a man. IMHO, if you will dig deep and answer these two questions very honestly, I think we might start getting somewhere.
I hope, at the least, you'll work with us to find balance as you digest this new information, instead of jumping from one polar end to the other. Am I making sense? ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She's being kind, and I can't help that my stance is me looking like a non-kind person.
I want to gently challenge this notion.
Originally Posted by JHopeful
Good morning-I imagine that is going to be a big relief for you to get that finally taken care of, unfortunately though I can’t watch her during those hours tho. I think M hours may have changed for the better so you can ask her.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Thanks for checking, I'm not available.
I believe my answer is kind. It expresses gratitude for her checking with you before checking with a sitter, and in a timely fashion lets her know you're unavailable so she can pursue other options. If you detect any unkindness in this reply, please call it out, as it's how I would answer and I strive to be kind.
I get the point you see your wordiness as building a bridge. Maybe a more appropriate analogy is throwing a lifeline across a bridge that you both had a role in weakening and that she demolished? Your hope doesn't help you detach. Your availability doesn't help her feel your loss. "I'm here anytime you need me", without helicoptering, is what they recommend parents do to help their children feel safe to explore the world on their own. Maybe you'd rather your ex look back and say, "Huh! The other side of the bridge isn't so amazing.." and look back towards you? With detachment comes healing, and space for self-improvement if you choose that road. Maybe they look back.. and find a better you. Maybe they don't and it's all for you.
((Hugs)) Be kind. Accept they're done for now. Be true to yourself.
It bothers me because being kind is one of my values. Being kind was one of our bonds.....
I applaud kindness as one of your values, and you have much to process. Be kind to yourself as you do! It's sometimes easier to remember to be kind to others than to be kind to ourselves.
You need to learn the dynamics of NGS. There is nothing wrong with being kind/nice but we (includes me) tend to, as nice guys, avoid conflicts and not enforce boundaries. We downplay our own wants and needs for others. This reduces your value and over time reduce respect from S.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
((hugs))