And it was during this time that I had basically tapped out emotionally for my own reasons which led to her finding the support she needed elsewhere.
I'm reminded of the quote from "The Last Boy Scout". I've thought about it a lot over the last couple of years...
“Sarah Hallenbeck: You were never around. You know what? F* you, Joe. I was lonely!" "Joe Hallenbeck: Buy a dog.”
Ha! That's a great line.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Yes, you should be emotionally available to your X. But lonely people have agency...in a MR - communicate needs, GAL, journal...teach a goat to yodel...so many other options than D and A's.
Very true. I have accepted that it wasn't my "fault" but it will also sting at times. I also remind myself of the reasons I was checked out and all that I had to deal with which led to that perfect storm. It wasn't like I was doing it for sh!ts and giggles, but it is easy to rewrite history.
As much as you didn't want it, you have an opportunity to grow and be a better partner!
We have to look at the upside in this, even when it stinks. I had some major issues before BD. I could see where he wasn't happy, but I would have liked the opportunity to work on them, rather than just get dumped. I don't feel that 'sting' anymore, but I understand what you mean. I had to work through those feelings and just focus on what I could do better/different going forward.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Figured I should post an update after reading sandi2's thread.
No real BIG changes to report. We did spend Valentine's together and also most of this weekend. Our time together has been some of the best we've had in years tbh. Even kissing on the lips, which seems small but was something that went away even while we were still sleeping together. The time apart is still tough as it is hard not to get caught up in your head not matter how much you try to GAL. In our talks she has said she has not gone on any dates and has only chatted online and I believe her, but of course that could change at any time. In talking with our MC last week about attachment theory, there's a lot there I can see that is impacting us. Basically her avoidance right now is still too big to want any attachment and my anxiousness adds pressure. We're in a catch-22. She's afraid of turning back and giving things another try because she thinks it will go back to how it used to be and doesn't trust that I can provide what she needs. I can't provide what she needs as long as she refuses to turn back and try and I can't trust her fully in the current situation. Sooner or later, something will have to give as we can't stay in limbo. I'm not putting deadlines or dates out there, but figure I'll know when it is time.
Basically her avoidance right now is still too big to want any attachment and my anxiousness adds pressure.
Neither style is very healthy... There is always a CHOICE to be different than your attachment style. I understand that can be really difficult in a heated moment so you can set some guidelines in place. It may seem a little unnatural but it can really help when emotions run high. Have you thought about how you can control your anxious attachment?
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
We're in a catch-22. She's afraid of turning back and giving things another try because she thinks it will go back to how it used to be and doesn't trust that I can provide what she needs. I can't provide what she needs as long as she refuses to turn back and try and I can't trust her fully in the current situation.
Is this your MC talking? Did she give you any tools how to handle any of this info?
Have you read the threads on Pursuit/Distance? Might be beneficial to take a peek if not.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
If your anxiety adds pressure, then that is clearly not working. Need to make a change there.
Also, I'll second LH's advice. It appears that was also his first post to you as well.
You are "putting yourself out there emotionally", which she allegedly wants. In return, she is on dating sites. Ahhhhh, but! There's a but! It's..... NOT. THAT. MUCH. Phew. Thank God. You can sleep easy now. She's only sorta on dating sites. This is the rationalization that so many LBS's make. Only emotional attachment could lead one to such a horrible conclusion.
Do you think she respects you?
Do you think your behaviors are attractive to women?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
More then likely it will end when she finds someone else. You are going to always have regrets that you didn’t take the safety net away.
That is entirely possible. Or I could take the safety net away and she could still find someone else in which case I would always regret not just listening to what she's telling me she wants. There's no telling the future. For now I am trying to provide her with what she is explicitly requesting from me with the full knowledge I will likely get hurt in the end and along the way. But I'll have a clear conscience
Basically her avoidance right now is still too big to want any attachment and my anxiousness adds pressure.
Neither style is very healthy... There is always a CHOICE to be different than your attachment style. I understand that can be really difficult in a heated moment so you can set some guidelines in place. It may seem a little unnatural but it can really help when emotions run high. Have you thought about how you can control your anxious attachment?
Interesting thing is I went back and took the test again and put myself back to before BD and I was Fearful Avoidant - bad at boundaries and prone to emotional withdrawal. Sounds about right. For now my way of trying to control my anxiousness is to just realize I can't control her or change her. She's gonna do what she's gonna do and I can either be at her mercy (which I often am) or I can GAL and parallel path her and hope those paths cross down the line again.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
Is this your MC talking? Did she give you any tools how to handle any of this info?
She not so subtlety said the W needs to sh!t or get off the pot. We're in a double bind and nothing is going to change without taking a risk. In talking to my IC, the recommendation was "radical permission" to let her do whatever she wants and give her the room she feels like she needs. SImilar to a lot of what is said around here - pull back and give space to reduce the pressure she's feeling but in a more intentional way where I am letting her know I am giving her that space rather than pulling back and have her feel abandoned.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
Have you read the threads on Pursuit/Distance? Might be beneficial to take a peek if not.
That is entirely possible. Or I could take the safety net away and she could still find someone else in which case I would always regret not just listening to what she's telling me she wants.
SD there needs to be non-negotiables in your life. I want to date other men should be a non-negotiable. What if she told you she wanted you to jump off the Eifel Tower? Would you listen to her and do it?
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
For now I am trying to provide her with what she is explicitly requesting from me with the full knowledge I will likely get hurt in the end and along the way.
Most likely because she is lost all respect for you.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
But I'll have a clear conscience
Doubt it. You will always wonder what would have happened if you took your balls back from her and earned some respect.
