Well, I finally put my Christmas tree away today. I did t realize it until I got started, but I think I left it up because I knew subconsciously that taking it down would be emotional, and it was. All the ornaments, all the kids pictures, the ornaments that the STBX and I bought or got as gifts or the one from the New Years party in 2003 that we took off a tree as a souvenir.
Then there was the one i didn’t put in the tree that was in the box, one of the last pictures of us I have. I bawled like a baby. I’m sure it was healthy and I’m glad it’s a sunny day or it would have been harder.
It’s probably the last time I put that tree up as well, it’s sixty years old and it’s been the tree we’ve had my whole Life, so that made it even more emotional. I bought a new one to replace it for next year. Just got to keep moving forward. Off to the gym and then a super bowl party. Then tomorrow I go through my favorite stretch - 7 of nine days with the kids and we have a four day ski trip planned!
Well, I finally put my Christmas tree away today. I did t realize it until I got started, but I think I left it up because I knew subconsciously that taking it down would be emotional, and it was. All the ornaments, all the kids pictures, the ornaments that the STBX and I bought or got as gifts or the one from the New Years party in 2003 that we took off a tree as a souvenir.
Then there was the one i didn’t put in the tree that was in the box, one of the last pictures of us I have. I bawled like a baby. I’m sure it was healthy and I’m glad it’s a sunny day or it would have been harder.
It’s probably the last time I put that tree up as well, it’s sixty years old and it’s been the tree we’ve had my whole Life, so that made it even more emotional. I bought a new one to replace it for next year. Just got to keep moving forward. Off to the gym and then a super bowl party. Then tomorrow I go through my favorite stretch - 7 of nine days with the kids and we have a four day ski trip planned!
Keep moving forward. One day at a time.
{{{{{{{ScottB}}}}}}} i'm so sorry. I have all the family ornaments from exh's childhood as well as my own. This year I bought a Norfolk Island Pine and put lights on it. That's it. Last year bought a huge tree, again, just put lights on it.
Glad you have a good fun time with the kids ahead xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I haven't plugged into too many other threads of people out here. But I was struck by how the end of these marriages are all so incredibly similar. It just seems like they all follow the same predictable path.
My takeaway is to definitely to move on.
The patterns are all similar. The sooner the LBS breaks out of the typical pattern the better. Did you read the response by Coach to the post you linked? He was a very wise DBer. Attracted his wife back by the changes in his behavior. After they reconciled, she was posting here for a while.
Anyway, the key is to happily set her free. You validate her feelings when interacting. You stand on your core values. You do not share your feelings with her. You do not share any details of your life with her. You go out and live an amazing life. Doing things you enjoy (alone) is one of the best things you can do. If others come alone, great. If they don't great.
That all applies to the R side. Then you have the business side. separating assets. You just split things fairly. Keep your emotions out of it. It is just negotiations. Determine the value of things and assigning them to the balance sheet.
The third leg is the parenting. Definitely compartmentalize the three.
Keep working on new ways to interact. Walk away with style. Best thing to ever happen to you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Well CW, I'm doing a good bit of what you recommended, maybe a bit too much. Took yesterday off because we got 6 inches of snow and I took the kids snowboarding. It was epic. This coming weekend I'm taking the kids on a snowboarding trip for 4 days, which is going to be incredible.
Then I went overboard and booked another trip to Florida next weds. through Monday. After that I don't have anything else planned and spring sports are getting started so I'll have a lot going on with the kids.
I'm still working on some planning to schedule three days of private off road motorcycle lessons through BMW in the next 3 months at some point.
Almost through winter, which has been fun, but I like being out in nature and I like longer days so that will be good.
Three legs to the stool: Relationship with Ex, Business with the Ex, and Parenting - compartmentalize them all - that's good.
I read coaches comments and will leave here for reference:
Originally Posted by Coach
Quote
"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel". What's next?
Go sentence by sentence, she is telling you exactly what she wants - it is how she feels. A man wants to fix this by explaining her feelings to her and why she should just feel another way (invalidating). So how does a man change how his woman feels? Answer- Give her what she wants. Agree with her. Stop smothering her, give her space and time, her feelings are her feelings - let her know you understand it's OK she feels that way. She wants the "feeling" back - she wants to be attracted to you.
Right now the hardest part of my day is from about 5:30am-7am. I wake up and just spin on the failed marriage. I probably need to just get up and go do something at that time to get my mind off of it.
Also, hearing about coach re-attracting his X, I've thought about that a lot. My X was toxic to me. All my relationships in life are improving with her being gone. I'm dramatically more free and worry less about a lot of things. She did not bring out the best in me or support me. And with all that said I just can't understand this wanting I have to get things back when I know it was bad. Its and interesting ride, and a daily one.
I'm also worried about work. I just have not been able to get focused. Maybe this is just how this is at this time in my life, but I am really struggling to get and stay engaged at the office.
Also, hearing about coach re-attracting his X, I've thought about that a lot. My X was toxic to me. All my relationships in life are improving with her being gone. I'm dramatically more free and worry less about a lot of things. She did not bring out the best in me or support me. And with all that said I just can't understand this wanting I have to get things back when I know it was bad.
Because when you're married, your relationship is a source of stability in your life.
Your brain doesn't like this instability.
Because of this lack of control and the fear that comes with it, you desperately, desperately want to regain your feeling of control and stability.
If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.
I read coaches comments and will leave here for reference:
Originally Posted by Coach
Quote
"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel". What's next?
Go sentence by sentence, she is telling you exactly what she wants - it is how she feels. A man wants to fix this by explaining her feelings to her and why she should just feel another way (invalidating). So how does a man change how his woman feels? Answer- Give her what she wants. Agree with her. Stop smothering her, give her space and time, her feelings are her feelings - let her know you understand it's OK she feels that way. She wants the "feeling" back - she wants to be attracted to you.
Right now the hardest part of my day is from about 5:30am-7am. I wake up and just spin on the failed marriage. I probably need to just get up and go do something at that time to get my mind off of it.
Also, hearing about coach re-attracting his X, I've thought about that a lot. My X was toxic to me. All my relationships in life are improving with her being gone. I'm dramatically more free and worry less about a lot of things. She did not bring out the best in me or support me. And with all that said I just can't understand this wanting I have to get things back when I know it was bad. Its and interesting ride, and a daily one.
I'm also worried about work. I just have not been able to get focused. Maybe this is just how this is at this time in my life, but I am really struggling to get and stay engaged at the office.
I can relate, though my spinning time was more 2-5am. Laying there spinning is horrible, no doubt about it. If mine had been later, then yes, I would have planned to get up and go do something productive. In my case, I did get up sometimes, unfortunately I did something usually very counterproductive...like snooping on her desktop (unti she got wise to me and started logging out!). So the key is to feel the emotions you are feeling, but not allowing them to make you do something that is going to hurt you, not help you. One of the big ones is writing long, heart felt emails/letters, even texts to the WAS. So yes, get up and do something...productive. Workout. Get something done for work that was pressing, etc. Being productive is the key.
However, the reattracting back your ex is tricky. Others here have used this quote: "You never look more attractive than when you are walking away." Another anti-D expert I read in my sitch put it this way. She was talking to a woman that had left her husband, moved into her own place, was coparenting with her LBH, but was carrying on a secret affair with another man that was the basis for her moving out, etc. The expert warned this woman, "right now you think you are in love with the OM, and that you are moving on from your H. You may even go through with the D, and move in with OM or even marry OM. However, at some point you will look back and realize that your H and MR wasn't so bad and that you made a mistake. This usually coincides with your ex-H moving on with another woman. Suddenly you will ask yourself why you did what you did!" This is why LH quotes me as having said that eventually, if you both live long enough, she will eventually regret her decision to leave you. And usually at that point the WAS will try to come back. It could be 6 months, it could be 60 years. So it isn't something you should be waiting on.
Sorry, I rambled there a bit, but the point is the best way to attract your ex back is to NOT try to attract her back. We recommend things like working out, updating your wardrobe and dressing better, improve your behaviors (we've had LBSs that were addicted to video gaming for instance, stopping that behavior), if you have bad hygiene/grooming then improve those. You do not do these things to attract your ex back, you do them to become a better person all around and to be more attractive in general! If you do it just to reattract her she will smell a rat at 100 yards. So do it for YOU not her.
I was a highly rated employee, top of the class every year. During my sitch my job performance plummeted. I had just taken a promotion into a new role right in the middle of my sitch. I got off to such a bad start that I got my worst review in years. My manager told me "This would have been an even worse review but mid-year you turned it around and now are performing at top levels." I have been highly reviewed the last two years as a result. It is hard to concentrate when you are so distracted with the failed marriage taking up so much head space.
But this all tells me that you are no where near ready to start looking to date (I believe you've said in the past that you were tempted.) Earn your way into a new relationship by working through the emotional baggage of this one. I truly believe the only way you can do that is through good, thorough and WEEKLY (minimum) IC. And to focus on yourself and your kids. In other words, keep moving forward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I was a highly rated employee, top of the class every year. During my sitch my job performance plummeted. I had just taken a promotion into a new role right in the middle of my sitch. I got off to such a bad start that I got my worst review in years. My manager told me "This would have been an even worse review but mid-year you turned it around and now are performing at top levels." I have been highly reviewed the last two years as a result. It is hard to concentrate when you are so distracted with the failed marriage taking up so much head space.
Originally Posted by Steve85
[quote=ScottB] I was a highly rated employee, top of the class every year. During my sitch my job performance plummeted. I had just taken a promotion into a new role right in the middle of my sitch. I got off to such a bad start that I got my worst review in years. My manager told me "This would have been an even worse review but mid-year you turned it around and now are performing at top levels." I have been highly reviewed the last two years as a result. It is hard to concentrate when you are so distracted with the failed marriage taking up so much head space.
Steve that is exactly what just happend to me. First negative review ever, a few weeks ago. First time I am not eligible for bonus or salary-bump. HOWEVER, it didnt bother me at all. It was exoected. I actually told my own manager and our CEO about everything that was going on, less than month after BD. It was a huge relief that they knew. They also paid for a very expensive IC. We set individual goals at my company and my number 1 goal for 2020 was to feel mentally stable. IN fact thats a pretty great goal also for the comapny because they risk loosing great resource and instead pay insurance if I was to go in to full depression.
Not sure if you have Scott, but conisder talking to your manager/boss.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
If you see this in yourself, that you have lost your feeling of control, then you can come to the conclusion that this is what you need to deal with, not what your wife does or doesn't do.
Okay LH, I'm your Huckleberry. This makes complete sense. And I'll ask a question I would assume to know that answer to, because I've learned not to assume -- How do I deal with the feeling of the loss of control?
