I can relate, though my spinning time was more 2-5am. Laying there spinning is horrible, no doubt about it... So yes, get up and do something...productive. Workout. Get something done for work that was pressing, etc. Being productive is the key.
However, the reattracting back your ex is tricky. Others here have used this quote: "You never look more attractive than when you are walking away." Another anti-D expert I read in my sitch put it this way. She was talking to a woman that had left her husband, moved into her own place, was coparenting with her LBH, but was carrying on a secret affair with another man that was the basis for her moving out, etc. The expert warned this woman, "right now you think you are in love with the OM, and that you are moving on from your H. You may even go through with the D, and move in with OM or even marry OM. However, at some point you will look back and realize that your H and MR wasn't so bad and that you made a mistake. This usually coincides with your ex-H moving on with another woman. Suddenly you will ask yourself why you did what you did!" This is why LH quotes me as having said that eventually, if you both live long enough, she will eventually regret her decision to leave you. And usually at that point the WAS will try to come back. It could be 6 months, it could be 60 years. So it isn't something you should be waiting on.
I think I'll try to workout when this happens next. That makes a lot of sense; its tough because the spinning depresses me which makes me want to just lay there. But I'll try to get up tomorrow and get after it.
And then the second part of this messes with my head so much. Its the truth I think I can see that I can't do anything about and it drives me crazy. But I've got to let go of it.
And per work, I need to find a way to get refocused too. Maybe if I can nail part one of this, it can help with the work focus too.
And I'll ask a question I would assume to know that answer to, because I've learned not to assume -- How do I deal with the feeling of the loss of control?
You have to accept it as reality. The feeling of control you had before was an illusion. You control you. Focus on that which is within your control, and let go of that which is not.
This was the hardest thing for me to accept. And releasing control is an ongoing practice for me (at least for now), not a state I reached and never looked back. One thing that really helped me that I learned about here is the Daily Stoic videos-- the one that really spoke to me for whatever reason is the one he did for pro sports athletes called "you control how you play"-- somehow that really helped me to understand. You don't control the weather, or your teammates, or the fans, or what they say about you on Twitter. You control how you play the game. That's it.
In the LBS sitch, you don't control your S. The decision to be M or stay M is not something you can make happen on your own. Both parties have to want it. Another quote I found and liked was you can't clap with one hand. Whatever you can grab onto that helps you to let go of the illusion of control over your S and M and focus on that which is within your control, the better you'll do... because you'll see you ARE in control. Of yourself. And you have your whole life in front of you, to take and live, and grab happiness with both hands. You can't do that if you're fretting about things that you can't control. It is what it is.
And if the distance you've gained so far is helping you to see that your R with your spouse was toxic... then onward, man. You know what to do. This is a journey and a practice, and it will get easier and easier. The more you focus on things within your control, the more control you'll feel-- because you ARE taking control of your own life and not letting yourself get dragged around by someone else's crisis.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May pretty much nailed it but I’ll add a little more. For the past five years you have woken up to a pretty $hitty marriage to a pretty $hitty W. Deep down in side you knew it was $hitty but it was at least the life you knew which was a sense of stability. You prefer the $hitty known to the scary unknown. So with time this new life will become your known and if you keep growing and moving forward it won’t be $hitty and you will be happy. You will then know that you can walk away from anything or anyone that isn’t working for you.
I'm also worried about work. I just have not been able to get focused. Maybe this is just how this is at this time in my life, but I am really struggling to get and stay engaged at the office.
I should have been fired. I was not productive at all. My thoughts were all about BD and fixing the R. Meetings were Charlie Browns Parents.
My boss was the second person i told about my sitch. The first was my co-worker. They were supportive.
Work off of a calendar. Schedule time for everything. Personal stuff during personal time. Work stuff during the work day.
IE: If you catch yourself thinking or being distracted at work about personal stuff, write down the item in your "Personal" notebook. Tell yourself "I will deal with that later". Same thing with sleep time. Any thoughts, write them in the notebook and say "I will deal with that tomorrow". Of course, you need to make time in the evenings to deal with the personal stuff on the list.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
May22: I listened to the podcast you mentioned, and a ted talk on stoicism. That would seem to be a philosophy to dig into and focus on. I signed up for the daily email. I think this might be really helpful – Thanks. LH19: Makes sense. What I gather is I can’t really shortcut the process. It’s going to take time. And focusing on what I can control is key.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
IE: If you catch yourself thinking or being distracted at work about personal stuff, write down the item in your "Personal" notebook. Tell yourself "I will deal with that later". Same thing with sleep time. Any thoughts, write them in the notebook and say "I will deal with that tomorrow". Of course, you need to make time in the evenings to deal with the personal stuff on the list.
That’s a good idea. I just need to have the discipline to execute. This morning, I woke up at 5:30a, laid there for 15 minutes and followed the advice of my team and went to the gym. That was a healthy decision. I generally work out after work, but by doing that in the morning it eliminated that time when my mind spins. It also allowed me to plan to grab a beer with a friend tonight when I got asked mid-morning.
LH19: Makes sense. What I gather is I can’t really shortcut the process. It’s going to take time. And focusing on what I can control is key.
Exactly! My best guess is it is going to probably take you a good couple years to get her out of your system. Along the way there will be some bumps in the road. Just be patient with yourself.
May22: I listened to the podcast you mentioned, and a ted talk on stoicism. That would seem to be a philosophy to dig into and focus on. I signed up for the daily email. I think this might be really helpful – Thanks. LH19: Makes sense. What I gather is I can’t really shortcut the process. It’s going to take time. And focusing on what I can control is key.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
IE: If you catch yourself thinking or being distracted at work about personal stuff, write down the item in your "Personal" notebook. Tell yourself "I will deal with that later". Same thing with sleep time. Any thoughts, write them in the notebook and say "I will deal with that tomorrow". Of course, you need to make time in the evenings to deal with the personal stuff on the list.
That’s a good idea. I just need to have the discipline to execute. This morning, I woke up at 5:30a, laid there for 15 minutes and followed the advice of my team and went to the gym. That was a healthy decision. I generally work out after work, but by doing that in the morning it eliminated that time when my mind spins. It also allowed me to plan to grab a beer with a friend tonight when I got asked mid-morning.
I am also an advocate of multiple workouts in a day! Studies have shown benefits.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve: I'm not sure my body could handle that. Definitely easier in the summer when I can workout and then go for a bike ride, hike, or maybe a kayak or run.
I'm worn out. I took my kids on a 4 day snowboarding trip. It was awesome. We had an incredible time. It really was incredible.
My STBX didn't communicate with the kids much while they were on my trip. My daughter talked to her when we got back. I didn't communicate with her at all other than to say that we made it to and from safely via a short courtesy text.
It was interesting while I was there. I thoroughly enjoyed my time, but on occasion I would find myself thinking that she was really missing out on wonderful experiences with the kids. I was thinking she would have loved the downtime at the spa or working out in their gym. At times when one of the kids was in the room by themselves I was thinking it would be nice if they had company (we were at a ski in ski out).
On the other hand, I can be pretty fun when I don't have to worry about much, meaning getting grief for the way I do things so that was also nice - not being judged for my decisions.
It was just an incredible trip with snowboarding, swimming, hot tubbing - it was great.
I'm still working through feeling anxious at times. This kind of life change is unsettling. The attorney's that we'll have to continue to work with and the uncertainty around the outcome of this also creates anxiety. I question some decisions I make, like tomorrow I'm flying back to Florida for the five days I don't have the kids - I feel a little guilty about that, like I shouldn't be doing it.
My work is suffering some and I really need to get on it; soon enough I guess.
Awesome Scott, glad you enjoyed the trip! Over time you will get her out of your system. It takes time, I know with my ex-GF at first I had trouble enjoying things that we would have normally done together as a couple, that I was doing on my own, but over time her residence in my head got smaller and smaller. I remember after a couple of years I did something and when it was over I realized I had never even thought about her once! Give yourself some time.
Go to FL. Have a ball.
Come back reenergized and put that energy into work............
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
