The frustration from the posters comes from the fact that you know what you need to do, you just choose not to do it based on emotions. One of my favorite quotes that feeds in perfectly for you is “ When decisions are made based on emotions there are sure to be consequences”. You 100% should not be trying to save your marriage you should be trying to save yourself. You bend and twist things around to fit into your narrative of getting your STBXW back. You are still operating under the “illusion of action” thinking there is something you can do to turn this around. Until you understand you can’t turn this around unfortunately you will suffer immensely.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
“To become your most attractive self, you must create a life and lifestyle that makes it easy for you to be happy, smile and find lots of easy ways to laugh, have fun, learn something and enjoy the gift of your life. Everyone loves being around happy, attractive and fun people who are living life to the fullest. Don’t look for someone to complete you or make you happy. Become the kind of person who is in great shape, happy being single, having fun by themselves and open to the possibility of finding someone special to share their completeness with. You can’t give away what you don’t already have for yourself.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If there was one thing I wish I had realized to be as axiomatic as the sun rising in the East and setting in the West prior to BD day is that when a WAS informs an unsuspecting spouse of their intent to file for divorce and, "oh by the way there's someone else and I wasn't really out running errands today like I told you I was going to do but I was actually at OM's place", they are SO FAR GONE already, SO Emotionally Checked Out and divorced from that spouse and probably have been for quite a while, that the only logical response for the poor LBS at that precise moment is to probably say "well, sorry it's come to this, I wish you every happiness, it's been a great so many number of years, give my best to OM, but I'm outta here, like NOW!" Then disappear, make yourself conspicuously scarce and visit your lawyer.
Also, bravo for use of the word "axiomatic".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
"Men who have choices and options with women are in no hurry or rush to lock a woman down to a commitment. They take their time and carefully evaluate how their dates went and then contemplate on whether or not the women are a good fit, good for them, good to them and if the women are likeable enough to continue investing time, money and effort getting to know them.
Men who have little to no choice with women are in a rush, impatient and driven by fear to lock women down to a commitment before some other guy comes along and steals them away. Women like men who are a challenge, men who they have to make a mutual effort to keep around. Despite what women say, they like a guy more if they are unsure of his interest, he’s mysterious and unpredictable.”
~ Coach Corey Wayne
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I believe what he says applies equally to "People who are unhappy alone."
"People who are unhappy alone are in a rush, impatient and driven by fear to lock <partners> down to a commitment before some other <person> comes along and steals them away." I know once upon a time, even when dating and sleeping with multiple women simultaneously--I had choices--I was in a hurry to lock-down a commitment. Rushing is definitely not the best way to find a great long-term partner.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
She’s a teenager! I agree with everyone’s advice to focus on you and just treat your d with kindness and love. Playing tug of war with your XW using your d as the rope is only going to end badly for all of you. If she won’t come with you, enjoy time with your son. Let her know she is missed and that you love her but you respect her boundaries.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
In the early days, even if you find yourself lurking around these parts, you secretly believe that your situation is different. Your H or W is not like these other maniacs you read about on the boards. Your love was better, your marriage stronger, your spouse had a more solid core. You read about the trajectory these MLC stories took, but you do not believe that this will happen to you because of the many differences in your story, your spouse, you.
As a result, you don’t follow the advice you read about here. It is so drastic! And sometimes it’s so rude! It just isn’t Christian. It doesn’t look good for the children to see you ignore/cut off their dad/mom like that. You don’t want your in-laws to think badly of you. You don’t want to do something that would “ruin” the chance of restoration. You can see that some of the people posting here make a lot of mistakes and got themselves into second relationships that don’t sound good. You don’t want to separate your finances or lay claim to your house or your kids or squirrel away any of your savings because you don’t want a divorce, and those things are part of divorcing, not marriage. You don’t want to stop doing his laundry because it’s the only way you can show love. And you have read that this whole thing should only take about two years. You can do two years.
Listen to me.
It is not going to take two years.
And you have to separate your finances and get custody of your children right now. Before you even finish reading this.
Listen to me. I am speaking to you from your future. You can watch your own future play out if you read my posts from 2014 until now.
And I don’t mean your spouse won’t come out of this. I don’t mean your marriage won’t be restored. It might. And I hope it will.
But if you don’t step away, if you don’t separate all your finances, protect your children and protect your house, your spouse might damage things so badly that you won’t want him/her back and there won't be much to come back to.
If your husband was burning down the house, would you just stand there watching? Would you hand him a match? What if your kids were inside?
If your wife was shooting heroin at the kitchen table, would you let the kids watch?
The kindest thing you can do for your spouse right now is limit the amount of damage s/he can do to your house, your finances and your kids. If you want, tell him you’ll be waiting on the other side. If you want, tell her you’re not planning to “move on” but you have to protect the family until she can be part of decisions that are best for your kids.
But before you do that, take half of everything and put it somewhere he can’t touch. And start living a separate financial life and as much of a separate family life as you can.
Don’t notice what she’s doing with her half. You don’t want to know.
But keep records of anything that dissipates your asset or impacts your kids. Write the date each time. You might be doing it for a few years and you’ll forget if you don't write it down. You might need the records to prove something when he tries to take everything.
Was he great at fixing stuff around the house? Don't ask him for that anymore. Hire someone or watch a YT video and do it yourself. Is she an expert on health insurance and you need to know where to find someone? Call a broker. Don't call her. Are you afraid you'll get cheated at the auto mechanic? Call your brother to go with you. Or get cheated, it's okay to pay too much in order to avoid asking your spouse. Do your own laundry, take out your own trash, parent your kids and love them double to make up for how your spouse can’t love. Get to church/synagogue/temple/mosque. If you don't go, go anyway.
Stop thinking about what your spouse should do if he was a decent man or has to do if she is a real mother. They can’t and they won’t.
Does your spouse want to tell you about the OP? Don’t listen. Leave the room. Say, “That’s between you and God/the universe, do not speak about that to me.”
Did your spouse act nice today? Don’t read into it.
Want to share that pie? OK. Don’t want to share that pie? Don’t.
Feel like ironing his shirts? Don’t.
Do you miss him and just want to hear his voice? Have a dance party with your kids and blast the music at top volume.
Do you just want to tell her that one thing so that she’ll finally understand what she’s doing to you? She won’t hear you. She can't even see you, the actual you. Go mow your elderly neighbor’s lawn.
Do you want to finally say exactly what you are thinking and really make him understand? Go take a hike alone. Stand under some trees and scream what you wanted to say. Or write it all down and bury the letter in the backyard.
Want to hide in your room because he’s drunk and sleeping on the couch every night? Borrow $1000 from each of your cousins and offer him an advance on his equity to move out. Did he leave his stuff? Pack it up and put it in storage and pay the first two months and let him know he has two months to get it or lose it. Get some $5 oops paint from your local hardware store and some cool thrift store houseware finds and redo the living room the way you want it. Read that book on Swedish Death Cleaning and death clean your house. Plant a fruit tree out front. Pick blueberries with the kids and make them some blueberry pancakes and laugh and watch Malcolm in the Middle at the dinner table sometimes.
Own a business together? Sell it and start another. Or get another partner and buy him out.
Is she ready to sign a divorce agreement that seems reasonable to a lawyer you trust? Sign it. Quick.
Want him/her to come back? He might. He might not. Go and find a life. I don't mean to date. You don't have to. In fact, you probably shouldn't for quite a while. Focus on your kids. But hang out with friends whenever you can. Remember what you wanted to be before you met and work on that again. Or think of a new dream and get moving. If things get stable at home, become a foster parent or mentor a troubled teen or volunteer in a nursing home or a prison. Read about what's happening in a war-torn country or a refugee camp and do something about it. Go for bike rides everyday. Raise chickens. Write your novel. Take singing lessons. Start growing food. Make peace with your mom. Read all afternoon every afternoon. Bake pies. Learn a new language and start planning your trip to the plae where they speak it. Turn one of your bedrooms into an AirB. Turn your garden shed into a she shed.
Create meaning in your life. See how beautiful life is, what a miracle that you are here to live it.
Listen to me. I know you very well. I was you. Don't be me, don't follow my path. Just trust me. Do these things I am telling you even if you don't want to, even if you are sure I am wrong.
There will always be room for him in your life if he comes back and you’re still willing by then. Set up the boundaries you need to provide a good life for your children with or without her. Protect what you two built. He is a forest fire. She is a tsunami. They will destroy anything in their path for a while. Protect it all so that if he wakes up, if she finally faces her wound, there will be something left to return to. And if he doesn’t, if she doesn’t, you’ll already be living, my dear, you'll already be living!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
“But” usually leads some form of justification. Please consider the following:
“But he isn't a good person...” - H is not a bad person. Sure, he is exhibiting bad behaviour and poor choices, yet he is not a bad person. See the sinner and the sin as two separate items, for they are. You can and should place boundaries on sinful or disrespectful behaviours. It is completely fine to protect one’s self, and hold others properly accountable.
The path of Grace you are hopefully seeking is love the sinner and forgive the sin.
The usual dogma is love/forgive the sinner and hate the sin. That is not compassion and is definitely not Grace. It keeps the forgiver in a place of higher moral position. True forgiveness is a non-transactional exchange; the sinner does not need to perform anything to earn your forgiveness.
Grace, and the acts it inspire, seem a risky venture. Grace has no immediate return, nor promise of any. People, society, see and are programmed to conduct transactionally and therefore shy away from Grace. Yet, an act of Grace is wondrous and powerful. Unconditional love and forgiving is often the very act that encourages and draws the sinner to repent.
“...right now, and that is what matters as he may never be the person I cared about again.” - You hit the nail of the head and I think you don’t realize it. H is who he is right now. He was a different person, someone you cared about. Will he be this way from now on, or will he return, or someone in between, or worse, or better. I do not know. No one can predict the future. What matters is not who H becomes, it’s who you become.
“I had tried to stand for him, but I don't feel I can anymore.” - We all start out standing for our spouse. We gain wisdom and realize we must stand for ourselves.
I understand and empathize with your feelings. Can you guess what I’m about to affirm? Feelings are fleeting. They flit when not reinforced. Do not make life decisions based upon feelings. You are right, you feel like you cannot stand anymore, especially if you are just standing for H. What do you believe? Deep down. Your convictions. Are you happy with them? Proud of them? Inspired by them?
Stand for you. Because you are worth it!!! Believe that.
The path is counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. It will seem wrong. Right up until it isn’t. Beliefs affect and influence all aspects of our lives - love, hate, compassion, Grace, forgiveness, judging, and so on. Strengthen, craft, alter, and discard as necessary to become.
Focus on you and continue your fine inner reflection and work. Never lose sight that you are a wonderful soul. And do choose the path of Grace when you can, for its blessings are many. (((Hugs)))
D
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
“When men become the women in their relationships by becoming overly emotional, unsure of themselves and start displaying more feminine behavior and less and less masculine behavior, this ruins the sexual polarity and eventually the relationship. Women submit to men only when they prove their leadership ability through congruency of their thoughts, words and actions. If men start abdicating their leadership role by becoming more feminine, emotional and unsure of themselves and waiting on the women to lead them and make all of the decisions, this forces the women to move into their masculine to make up for their lack of leadership. This results in resentment and a loss of respect, affection and intimacy by the women. Men who change into something they are not in order to please their women will eventually get dumped, blown off or ghosted.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C I'm genuinely disappointed this quote made it to this thread. This a bunch of gross over generalizations and really crappy gender theory. The only point and the one and only thing about this quote that isn't offensive or flat out disgusting and frankly encouraging some pretty awful behavior, is NO ONE SHOULD CHANGE INTO SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT IN ORDER TO PLEASE ANYONE.
