Hey Steve. Yes...believe it or not it was me. I had an internal double-take and just said...A date with me ? She said..No, with my other boyfriend sarcastically. She knows dating is a deal-breaker for us right now. So in some sense we both haven't given up whatever that means. We've had a few meaningful R talks.
I can read her pretty well and I feel like she hasn't given up hope.
I will probably ask again as the timing was pretty bad, but my attitude hasn't been the best lately and I don't want it to have a negative effect if I'm not committed to it.
We definitely haven't regressed and have had some positive interactions. The whole process is overwhelming honestly no matter which way things go.
Ok greenman, You wouldn't have been the first LBS to not hear something like that properly. And even if she recovered by clarifying you, doesn't mean that she didn't mean it that way. Remember, believe nothing she says.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Crossed 1.5 years since BD. I read on hear almost daily. This one here caught my eye from ScottB's thread.
"So how does a man change how his woman feels? Answer- Give her what she wants. Agree with her. Stop smothering her, give her space and time, her feelings are her feelings - let her know you understand it's OK she feels that way. She wants the "feeling" back - she wants to be attracted to you."
W had to make a decision on her apartment lease, which lead to some R conversations. She said she feels like things have only recently improved with us, which I basically agree with. Its been very gradual getting over alot of the tension, anger, etc. Although, I still battle it internally often, I don't show it.
Also, she says that she is at a point where maybe this is as good as it gets. She doesn't know. She says maybe a weekend getaway, maybe a trip, maybe a date is what we need. But maybe she isn't ready for that either.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking how can we work on the marriage. Back to the quote from Scotty it seems like she has to get to a point where she is attracted and has the feeling back. I'm thinking more logical, which of course doesn't work.
I took her to breakfast this week and managed to do well and not bring up all the R things going on in my head. Most all of our convo's are about her and what she is doing.
I am just always trying to size up how bad I want this and how long can I go. And how she will ever get her feelings back to want to give the M a chance.
Man this is a long road just to get to a point of potential Recon.
Current target is to see how things are at the 2 year mark.
I am just always trying to size up how bad I want this and how long can I go. And how she will ever get her feelings back to want to give the M a chance.
She will get them back when she decides she wants them back. Until then you will sit in limbo.
If I could tell you precisely that she will get her feelings back in 7 years, 2 months, and 3 days from now, would you be willing to wait?
The point is that she may get them back at some point, but do you really want to continue wasting your life waiting for it? In my sitch, at the counsel of a wise anti-D expert, I set a 1 year past BD limit. At 1 year if she wasn't fully committed back to the MR, then I would go file for D. 1 year may not be right for you (since it has already been 1.5 years!). Maybe 2 years is. Maybe 5 years. Maybe 9 years (based on my hypothetical above). But you have decide when enough waiting is enough. And then you have to move forward with your life and quit waiting for someone else to decide your life for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If I could tell you precisely that she will get her feelings back in 7 years, 2 months, and 3 days from now, would you be willing to wait?.
No. I simply cannot go that long for legal reasons. And personal I can't live like this that long. I am up against a significant timeline in 3 years and would have to file before that. I am looking at one more year currently and sizing that up in 6 months. (I say that now anyways). Problem is any R will ultimately run over that line, so I am in a tough spot. Its not about the money, but for me it is since I make the most by far and will be tied up long term if this drags on.
With my family at stake and the fact that I trust her, 1 year just isn't enough for me. Any sign of infidelity or major disrespect, my decision is made. But she keeps me on the fence.
Part of my concern is that she is unhappy and indecisive with her career also. She will quit a job and find another. Then, be unhappy with that.
Remember, D will not prevent a future R. In fact, you taking decisive action, following through with D, and moving forward with your life more than likely will make her start seeing you differently...and could mean a faster return of her feelings. Now, that is NOT why you pull the trigger and move forward with D. But my point is that sometimes it requires losing you to make her want you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Remember, D will not prevent a future R. In fact, you taking decisive action, following through with D, and moving forward with your life more than likely will make her start seeing you differently...and could mean a faster return of her feelings. Now, that is NOT why you pull the trigger and move forward with D. But my point is that sometimes it requires losing you to make her want you.
All of this. Don't let fear dictate any decisions. Protect yourself. Be strong. It's attractive. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it's true!!
Do what you need to do for YOU. She isn't on your team. You are on your team. Going forward, every decision regarding D should be what is in your best interest - no matter how it affects her.
You got this! You are already realizing that she sways whichever way the wind blows, so don't let her steer your ship.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
