So here's the latest and greatest. Things for the most part have been good, in that we've settled into a routine and are figuring out what that looks like with the apt/nesting situation. Even with that schedule we've often ended up staying together at home. For example yesterday I realized I left my meds at the house so stopped by to get them, we ended up talking for a while and she invited me to stay. When we do stay together, we often have sex, she has no problems being naked in front of me (almost the opposite), and we sleep in each others arms. In talking with my IC she thinks things are good between us because we've taken the "other" stuff out of the equation and are just focusing on us when we're together - not kids, house, jobs, etc. So just as if we were dating or something. In our conversation yesterday it sounds like whatever was happening with OM is over and she was the one who ended it. She isn't active on the dating sites, but hasn't left them either. She mentioned all the positive changes she's seen in me and the work I've put in on myself but she doesn't see the work being put in towards being more emotionally available and vulnerable with her. I told her again that I have a very hard time doing that with the current situation. I explained that when I have made myself open and vulnerable, it was like I was throwing a ball over the fence to her and she would catch it and say "thanks! I appreciate that!" and put the ball in her pocket instead of throwing it back. And as long as she's not gonna throw the ball back, I'm not gonna want to keep throwing them to her. She agreed and said - "at least I'm catching the ball now and keeping it, rather than just letting it land on the ground and leaving it."
It's like we're at an impasse. She wants to see me being emotionally available to her and is scared to do the same because she's done it in the past and I didn't reciprocate. I don't feel like I can open up to her like that as long as she's still on the dating sites and not being open back to me. Essentially, neither of us trusts each other. And that's a bitch.
I don't even know what the fuching ball analogy means.
I think you need to make it clear for you to be vulnerable you have to ditch the hore house and she needs to get herself into IC and then eventually MC.
You can't just take a break from your marriage so she can sleep around for awhile and then go back to normal. It doesn't work that way. I think you see progress and I see a severely damaged individual.
She mentioned all the positive changes she's seen in me and the work I've put in on myself but she doesn't see the work being put in towards being more emotionally available and vulnerable with her.
Priceless!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't even know what the fuching ball analogy means.
Just that she wants me to be the one to be open and vulnerable without her having to do the same.
Originally Posted by LH19
I think you need to make it clear for you to be vulnerable you have to ditch the hore house and she needs to get herself into IC and then eventually MC.
You can't just take a break from your marriage so she can sleep around for awhile and then go back to normal.
She's in IC and in some ways that is what triggered a lot of what is going on now. Last year they started really digging into her past and issues and that led to her revisiting things which led to her contacting the OM, etc. etc. Do I think she's sleeping around? No. Is that naive of me? Probably. Ultimately, it doesn't matter until she tells me that she is or I somehow confirm it. In the meantime I am not going to torture myself dwelling on it.
Originally Posted by LH19
I think you see progress and I see a severely damaged individual.
I see progress in a damaged individual. I see progress in us. I don't see progress in our ability to sustain it if all the other strains and stresses of marriage/family are added back into the equation.
She's in IC and in some ways that is what triggered a lot of what is going on now. Last year they started really digging into her past and issues and that led to her revisiting things which led to her contacting the OM, etc. etc.
Are you aware of her past? I mean, has she talked it to you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She's in IC and in some ways that is what triggered a lot of what is going on now. Last year they started really digging into her past and issues and that led to her revisiting things which led to her contacting the OM, etc. etc.
Are you aware of her past? I mean, has she talked it to you?
Yes, she's been open to me about it. The other day she shared more detail about an event I knew about but not the extent of it. Her therapist having her go back and revisit these events basically opened a pandora's box of unresolved issues that she never dealt with, at least in a healthy way. And it was during this time that I had basically tapped out emotionally for my own reasons which led to her finding the support she needed elsewhere.
And it was during this time that I had basically tapped out emotionally for my own reasons which led to her finding the support she needed elsewhere.
I'm reminded of the quote from "The Last Boy Scout". I've thought about it a lot over the last couple of years...
“Sarah Hallenbeck: You were never around. You know what? F* you, Joe. I was lonely!" "Joe Hallenbeck: Buy a dog.”
Yes, you should be emotionally available to your X. But lonely people have agency...in a MR - communicate needs, GAL, journal...teach a goat to yodel...so many other options than D and A's.
We choose what to do with our loneliness. Leave her to her own journey. IC is fabulous when it works. Keep being strong, read Sandi's rules (again and again) and be a lighthouse.
Hang in there, Salty!!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
