Steve_Letting go pt2

[harvey]

Unfortunately, this is going the way of Curtis and Wolfman. Definition of insanity.

[Drh2001]

Steve,

Only you know your breaking point. You're not there yet. I don't think you want to believe it's over. You still have hope but it will prolong your misery.

Your WW needs shock and awe. Dump her sorry ass and cut off all contact.

[Drh2001]

Steve,

I wanted to add, please don't get to the point where you're so broken hearted and grief stricken that you can barely function. You don't have to hit rock bottom to see what everyone else sees. You need to be strong for your kids. Have a take charge mentality.

I almost got to that point last year but I have a strong enough constitution where I realized I could only control myself and not WW. I have kids so I have to be strong for them. They keep me going but I also realize I have to take care of myself.

I was in an IHS for 14 months - it is soul crushing - somehow I didn't go under and although the atmosphere in the house was toxic I managed to stay strong - but it did affect me, which in turn affected my kids. Unfortunately it's impossibly to keep a completely straight face when WW is leaving the house to sleep with OM and then comes home the next day and acts like nothing is wrong in front of me and my kids.

[Steve_]

Blocked her phone number today, went to the L office and met the Paralegal he has and signed the papers too. She is dead to me. I don’t know her. She is a sick person that started to make me thing I’m going crazy. I cannot do this. I got too much I dealt with to be doing this.we will be D’d in a few months. I figured I better do it now before she changes her mind and wants more stuff. Before the real nastiness begins since I stopped being pathetic. She ain’t said a word since then neither have I and I aim to keep it that way. Tbh I feel relieved that I don’t gotta deal with it. It’s so f’d up. I keep feeling like I’m giving up but she is the one that gave up. I gotta remind myself of that.

[Thornton]

Good move, Steve.

Now start mentally prepping yourself. She will respond to this by either being really nice and try to lure you with sex, a new marriage with a clean slate, or she will go scorched earth and threaten to take the kids and take you for all you're worth.

Now is the time to protect yourself and your kids. Document everything and ONLY communicate with her via email or court appointed app! She will do everything in her power to manipulate you.

Cheering you on, Steve. A new life awaits you once you get past this dumpster fire.

[Traveler]

Blocked her phone number today, went to the L office and met the Paralegal he has and signed the papers too.

Great, Steve! Those are actions and likely to help you detach. We/you shouldn't hear anything more, then, about her texting you you, calling you, or posting on Facebook (or vice-versa). As Thorton said, next is to prepare yourself for how you will resist her stepping up the manipulation--he gave 3 likely strategies. Remember you can post here for advice when you're considering actions. Good luck!

[Steve_]

The only thing I did was sent a follow up email the next day regarding the anniversary dinner and just declined it. Let her know that I won’t be celebrating this year. That was it. I don’t believe she will make any attempts to reconcile those have all been me anyways and the scorched earth thing shouldn’t be too likely either since she already went through the F you phase. It might happen but hopefully it will just flicker out uneventfully and she will just find someone else’s like to ruin. I’ll let you guys know if anything changes but besides email there is no communication and she has yet to email me. It seems like she gets it.

[MrBrside]

The only thing I did was sent a follow up email the next day regarding the anniversary dinner and just declined it. Let her know that I won’t be celebrating this year. That was it.

How was that child related ?- pointless interaction.. You wanting to make a statement ( thats she has heard 20 times before ) - "I'm done" - Yeah right.. Until next week.

I don’t believe she will make any attempts to reconcile those have all been me anyways

Plan B Steve - You are and always have been Mr Plan B.. You expect that to change ? You have shown nothing but persuit in the past few months. You expect an email will change thing ?

and the scorched earth thing shouldn’t be too likely either since she already went through the F you phase. It might happen but hopefully it will just flicker out uneventfully and she will just find someone else’s like to ruin.

Still thinking with emotion... ooooh she said F you. Do you really believe that will be the end of it. Your WW is probably the nastiest WW i have ever read about, and you think thats it. A quick email declining a dinner will make her just go away ?

Steve, i don't believe you are trolling us, but i do believe you are either not too bright, or totally and utterly consumed by emotions when it comes to your WW... Like a heroin addict who will lie, cheat, steal and even Kill for their fix, you are acting in the same way - your brain is not processing logic.

You sending this email is JUST the beginning.

Your WW will crank it up 10 fold. She is a master at manipulation. Do you really believe this will stop because Steve_ sends an email ??? Seriously - i can garantee you this - 100% of the people who post here will not believe thats the end of it / no scorched earth...

Bolt in - the rides just beginning Steve_

I suggest your read Josephs thread.. Or Curtis's million posts. Both had WW that tried to worm their way back in...

Then look how a real man deals with it vs a weak man - On one hand you have Joseph, who is a great example ( and i gave joseph a lot of tough love, but he walked the right path ) of coming out on top and then look a Curtis.. You can make your own mind up on how you want to come out of this - A Joseph or a Curtis ! - Or at your current rate, worse than a Curtis !

Re emails... Kids only - Kid logistics.

Anything else - ignore..

Quit with the interaction.. Its weak.. You are weak. Man up and start walking with your head up !

[Mumin]

Finally Steve! Good job. But yeah, this is just the beginning.
Brace yourself, prepare, shelter you kids and show them love!
As CW said, please come here and post about things before taking action.

[SteveLW]

The only thing I did was sent a follow up email the next day regarding the anniversary dinner and just declined it. Let her know that I won’t be celebrating this year. That was it. I don’t believe she will make any attempts to reconcile those have all been me anyways and the scorched earth thing shouldn’t be too likely either since she already went through the F you phase. It might happen but hopefully it will just flicker out uneventfully and she will just find someone else’s like to ruin. I’ll let you guys know if anything changes but besides email there is no communication and she has yet to email me. It seems like she gets it.

Steve_

Do you really think she is done?

My brother ended up marrying a girl that was less than attractive. It isn't that she is unattractive, but compared to some of the stunners that he dated she wasn't gorgeous like they were. I can think of 2-3 absolute knockouts he dated, before he dated and ended up marrying his wife. But looking back on the years since they've been married, I know why he married her. Because she was absolutely crazy about him, would attempt to swim an ocean for him, would fjord rivers for him, would climb mountains for him. He saw a willingness in her to please him to the point of almost spoiling him. She does everything in their R, he does very little.

I think your STBXW was like that. She saw something in you that would allow her to go out and do whatever she wanted, but still come home and play house. That she could have the stability and family with you, but then she could go be wayward with anyone else she wanted, and if she came home and said the right things she'd still have her faithful H and kids to fall back on. Most of us come here because our once loving and committed W is now wayward. Wayward is who your W is. And there are 7 affairs in your short time together to prove that theory.

So will you continue to let her run roughshod over you? I hope not. Will you continue to fall for her words and spring into action as her loving and committed H? I hope not. You seem to be saying some good things this time. But you also say some alarming things. Things like it feels like YOU are giving up? YEAH, giving up getting your junk kicked in by a mule! You say you think she "gets" that you are done. But to her this will blow over like it has 100s of times before. She is letting you cool down over finding her treasure trover of Valentine's Day gifts from her OM, and then she will start writing and saying sweet words to make you think that despite the 100s of times nothing changed, that this time will be different.

Trust us, including those that have posted this warning above, this is not over for her. The further and faster you run the other way, the harder she will try to convince you that this time she is really coming home. Do not discount that. Just like I told you with my ex-GF, when she really feared that this time I was really moving on is when she would dangle sex in front of me as a way of trying to lure me back. Your W is going to pull out all of the stops.

What my hope for you is that this time you SEE it for what it REALLY is: her trying to have her cake and eat it too. That this time you will say "I don't care WHAT she does, says, etc, THIS IS OVER!" That is what I had to do with my ex-GF. I had to decide in my own mind that her and I were not an option...not because of her and her choices, but because I HAD DECIDED she was not an option. This is what we've tried to get you to see dozens of times, that it is within Steve_'s power to say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! She has had a gazillion chances! I can walk away from this woman and never look back with a single regret!" I truly hope you are there. I fear you are not. I fear that as soon as the emotions calm down, she will come to you with sweet words and promises and that you will cave like paper chair under the weight of sumo wrestler. I pray that this time is different.

Steve_, do not go silent on us. Make a commitment to post multiple times a day about your thoughts, your feelings, etc. We expect you to be up and down. To be resolved and to be afraid of the decision you are making. That is part of the process. Posting here, doubling down on your IC, continuing to read self-improvement books are all ways to get you through that. When you don't post for several days I know what is going on: after a couple of days you forget all of the wisdom and encouragement to do what is right for you. Your mind starts listening to your heart about hoping she will see how much you love her and that it will change her. After a little more time goes by you start to romanticize about how when she wasn't cheating on you 7 times, that things were so great. And that if you give up on her than you will always look back with regrets. About this time is when she sends a text or email with the goal of giving you the false hope that suddenly you have opened yourself up to. At first you respond snarky, but then as she continues to amp up the ILYs and telling you what a great H you are, your resolve collapses like a adobe house in a 7 point earthquake. You start planning a get together, or having her over to have family time with the kids. You make a ton of mistakes that lets you fully reattach to her.......and when she realizes that you are still on the hook she pulls the rug out from under you somehow and you race back here to tell us the story and how this time you are really done.

So commit to posting her 2-3 times a day.......tells us about the emails she sends. Tells us when she does something at dropoffs and pickups. Let us help you. And get off the crazy train that continues to go around in the same loop over and over again.