Trying to heal from WW

[sandi2]

Its so crazy how we need something like this to happen to make us realise we need to change and actually put the work in. It did break me down and i was very close to spiraling and going into a hole of depression but im not done fighting yet and im goi g to come out of this stronger and better than i have ever been.

This is one of the reasons I try to encourage regular posting. Knowing you have others that have experienced your sitch and survived......or they're in the same place as you currently find yourself seems to help. Especially, if you are reaching out to the other newcomers, saying something to encourage them. You aren't alone.

((hugs))

[Ace_32]

Thanks Sandi, i read almost everyone's new updates and sitches on the newcomer forum but I'm not really at a place yet mentally where i feel like i can add value or even know how to respond on what others are going through. It does help a bit though to know that im not the only one going through this terrible ordeal.

Quick update from my side: i am struggling to deal a bit lately, been drinking almost everyday, not to the point of getting drunk but its an escape for me and helps me numb my mind and emotions for a while. I know its not healthy but i have used it as a coping mechanism since i was very young to deal with what was going on in my life and i know i need to fix that. Been working out more, went for a jog and swim on the beach on saturday and was starting to feel a little bit like my old self but then got caught up in my thoughts on Sunday again and started spiraling. The last few days i have just got to a point of not having a clue what to do, i am considering looking for a job overseas with my qualifications, but i cant keep thinking something new will make me happy.

Havent spoken to W in almost 3 weeks, its the longest i have ever gone without talking to her, been slipping back into searching her on facebook, etc. (I deleted her from everything a while back).

[sandi2]

Havent spoken to W in almost 3 weeks, its the longest i have ever gone without talking to her, been slipping back into searching her on facebook, etc. (I deleted her from everything a while back).

Great job at NC!!!

I would think anger could carry you through the first 3 weeks or so, where you delete her SM stuff....... but then you just miss her. You miss the woman you fell in love with. Even though she's broken your heart, you still miss her.


(((hugs)))

[97Hope]

...I'm not really at a place yet mentally where i feel like i can add value or even know how to respond on what others are going through. It does help a bit though to know that im not the only one going through this terrible ordeal.

You are not alone. Sometimes reading other sitches, it is so clear what I think they need to do. I don't always post what I think, especially if a vet or others have already said it, but it does help me begin to trust myself more.

It's also easier to see what other's should do, and we can apply that to our own lives.

You can add value to someone just by being present. It's a good time to practice validation and empathy. Not saying you don't have it, just saying don't discount your own value.

Good job on NC. It's hard, but you are doing the best thing you can given the circumstances. Try and remember the R for what it actually was, not the fairy tail. I and many others struggle with this in the beginning. We tend to romanticize the R in hindsight. (I had to write out what I didn't like about my MR). It also centered me and gave me a better picture of what I wanted in any R.

((((Ace))) Keep moving forward!

[Ace_32]

Hi Sandi, i did feel the urge once or twice to reach about but decided against it because or how she usually responds. I kept making the mistake for months and it always resulted in her saying something hurtful. In general i dont really feel the urge to reach out anymore, like i have read a few times here the marriage was dead at BD and she isn't the same woman i married. I do miss the girl i married very much, no matter what she has done i still love her.

Thanks Hope. I cant say im at a stage where i could think what others should do in there sitch's but i do agree that hopefully i can feel confident soon to start giving my input and just being present. Im sure there are things i have learnt and am still learning from my sitch that could be of value to someone else. I was reading posts here for 2 or 3 months before i felt confident enough to share my own story, still taking baby steps for now.

It is very tough to do NC but i guess it starts becoming easier when you realise that she doesnt want to hear from you anymore and responds harshly most of the time. I really feel like she doesn't care about me at all anymore, its quite clear from her actions but i still struggle to accept that. You are right that i do tend to focus on the good but there was a lot of bad which was far more than the good. Thinking i should make a list of the good and the bad which will maybe make it easier for me to see the whole marriage for what it was, thanks for the advice.

[97Hope]

It is very tough to do NC but i guess it starts becoming easier when you realise that she doesnt want to hear from you anymore and responds harshly most of the time. I really feel like she doesn't care about me at all anymore, its quite clear from her actions but i still struggle to accept that.

It is tough, I'm sorry you have to do it al all. Something that helped me is saying in my head "To what end?". Whenever I wanted to have that convo with X (or really anyone that just couldn't communicate with me) I would sometimes even have the actual conversation in my mind. How it would REALLY go - not the fantasy that they would 'see the light' and come to their senses....I also posted here a lot with what I wanted to say - a lot of times other posters can see how it would go down, even if our expectations are still high.

You are right that i do tend to focus on the good but there was a lot of bad which was far more than the good. Thinking i should make a list of the good and the bad which will maybe make it easier for me to see the whole marriage for what it was, thanks for the advice.

I hope it helps. We are here for you. Stay strong!!

[OnlyBent]

It is very tough to do NC but i guess it starts becoming easier when you realise that she doesnt want to hear from you anymore and responds harshly most of the time.

That’s right Ace, keep judging her by her actions, in fact I have started doing this with everyone. It’s pretty scary at first because you really have to start taking stock of your life, who is there for you and who you want to keep. My STBXW and I had a group of friends we hung out with regularly. They say they would stay neutral but I rarely get invited to things anymore, and haven’t had one offer of help since I’ve been in quarantine. They have said they’re more upset about the hit to their social life than actually being compassionate about the impending D. F em I say. My true friends have been there like you wouldn’t believe.

Anyway, keep going Ace, sounds like you’re doing ok mate.

[Ace_32]

Thanks Hope and OB. Been missing WW the last few days but i wont reach out again. I feel the need to sometimes but i know how it will go so i change my mind pretty quickly, like you say Hope i know how it would really go (her ignoring my message or not even reading it most likely). I do still have a bit of denial that she will come to her senses and see what i have to offer, i guess its just fools hope though.

I have been seeing what people have asked on other threads about what the LBS would actually do if WW decided to come back and i have been thinking about it, i honestly dont know what i would do. I still want to make the marriage work and if she showed genuine remorse i might be stupid enough to try again, there is probably less than 1% chance of that happening though.

Thanks OB, im getting there slowly, i have ups and downs. Been jogging and doing weights 3 - 4 times a week for about 2 weeks now, been reading alot and have cut down on the drinking the last few days. Started to feel a bit better about myself in general.

[SteveLW]

The desire to touch the stove, even though you know you will get burned, is difficult to get over. From my past experience, it is easy to forget how awful it feels to reach out, only got get your hand slapped, rather than never reaching out at all.

Not reaching out feels bad. Reaching out and getting slapped feels worse. But as time goes on that desire to reach out starts to trump how we felt last time we got slapped.

The key to remember is that the clock restarts for a lack of pressure and pursuit every time you reach out and get slapped back. If you removing all pressure and pursuit was required for 6 months for her to start to get curious and come sniffing back around, well every time you reach out (pressure and pursuit) that 6 months goes back to a count of zero and you start all over again.

[sandi2]

I do still have a bit of denial that she will come to her senses and see what i have to offer, i guess its just fools hope though.

I think it is this hope or denial that holds the LBS to the dream that their spouse will suddenly come to their senses and see what you have to offer. Just look at the user names over the years and see how many wrote "hope" in that name. We've had so many to ask if there is hope, and it's hard to tell them otherwise. I do believe there is hope in many cases, but when I see people clinging to the possibility their spouse will somehow suddenly come to their senses and want to work on the MR.......I feel they are clinging more to a dream, b/c it seldom happens the way the LBS envisions. We have many stories to back up how it doesn't happen that way.

I don't actually see a lot of reconciliations, even as much as we did a few years ago, and I think it has to do with the attitudes and mindset of people in our world today. I will spare you and not get off into that subject. But I will say that people have been so influenced by the world's propaganda, that successful R appears less often.......or so it seems.

A lot depends on who that WW really is at the bottom of her soul. If she's going through a rebellious period, where her actions appear totally opposite of the W you've always known her to be, then I tend to think there is more of a chance for her to recover. However, you have to look at her track record. You have to look at her childhood and young adult years. Many times there are extended circumstances that impact a wayward. That's not to say she can't recover, but there are so many who come from a dysfunctional past, and I think it affects how she recovers.

Last but not least, is the fact it takes reality slapping them hard in the face. Hard enough for their fantasy to blow away and they are left with nothing but truth. How many months or years will it take? That's something we don't know, but after being on the board for quite a while, I can tell you it's longer than most newcomers would initially think. I told a newcomer today that it usually takes at least a couple of years, based on what I've observed. One reason I say a couple of years (at least) is to give the LBS a more realistic time, and to stop trying to "do something" that will suddenly snap the WS back to their senses. There are some things you just have to move out of the way and let "life" do it's job. Make sense?

I have been seeing what people have asked on other threads about what the LBS would actually do if WW decided to come back and i have been thinking about it, i honestly dont know what i would do. I still want to make the marriage work and if she showed genuine remorse i might be stupid enough to try again, there is probably less than 1% chance of that happening though.

There appears to be a few LBS thinking with that viewpoint, but I still see LBH's initially focused on one thing: getting her back. If they think all it takes to reconcile is for her to feel remorse, then LBH's don't fully understand what it's really like in most cases. Remorse is necessary, IMHO, but remorse doesn't automatically solve the issues. Everything about the MR has been tarnished, and a few couples may have some type of "honeymoon" period (I didn't), but soon enough they will have to deal with the issues that plaque the MR, before the W went wayward....and afterwards. And, if she had an affair........they may need professional help in order to get back to a healthy place. Realize that she is very unhealthy, if she should return before getting counseling. Her eyes may have been opened to her fantasy, but it's not a fix-all. Unless she has gone through the affair withdrawals, and has taken the time & steps to "find her former self" before attempting to R, then they aren't likely to just jump back into a lovie-dovie lifestyle without the work.

I recommend LBS's have certain stipulations for the return of a WS. Those stipulations should not be revealed until the WS asks or suggests a R, returning, etc. The reason I say this is due to things I've read, where the LBS can't keep their mouth shut, and want to tell the WS what they will require in order to R. You know the type, right? In the meantime, the WS couldn't care less. Now, stay balanced here and don't wait until they've moved back home and then tell them what you need to reconcile.