WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont7.)

[Ready2Change]

Well, I am done with this marriage.... I just want this divorce over with....

With that mindset, you might attract her back. Keep that mindset.

I had an unbelievable amount of fun, I don't think a woman has complimented me that much in my life, she was gorgeous and sexy and sharp. It made me recognize my value in an incredible way.

I am sure that is huge boost to your confidence. Woman are attracted to confident guys. I still vividly recall many of my encounters with women that happened shortly after I moved out of the marital home.

I've heard a lot of the feedback about getting comfortable being alone and being independent. The spring is breaking and that will help because with more sunlight I'll be able to do more of the things I like to do - but I also like companionship, I think that's pretty natural.

Nothing wrong with enjoying the company of the opposite sex. The important thing is to be single for an extended amount of time. Do not latch on to someone to make you happy. Get happy being single.

Its hard to get back into dad mode.

This statement concerns me. I believe being dad should be your #1 priority. They need you more right now than you know.

What my X did to me and my psyche is hard for me to recognize. I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did. And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with. I'm not sure I'll be open to getting married again, which flies in the face of my more traditional values, but I'm just not sure I can do it - time will tell.

Normal. been there, done that.

She came by yesterday and to drop something off for my son and I just wanted her to freaking get out.

This is where setting boundaries may be good. I am a firm believer that parents do too many things for there kids that the kids are fully capable of. Parenting with love and logic was the foundation of my parenting style which was in constant conflict with my X's parenting style of doing everything for my kids. Dropping things at my house that the kids forget etc.

[ScottB]

Sandi2:

Her validation was a zero. Matter of fact I had a business coach i was working with in 2015 Who asked “is your spouse supportive in your desire to live your meaningful purpose and if not how are you reconciling that?

My answer at the time was No. I said at that time “she doesn’t see things the way I do. I don’t feel she believes in me and I feel the need to prove to her that I’m in the right path. If I get vulnerable with her she gets defensive, stops listening, And feels attacked.” That was in 2014 and that’s when I began to see the problem and I started trying to work on our marriage by myself. Then I read a book in early 2016 and it had a chapter in emotional affairs. She had a friend and the chapter described their relationship perfectly. From there I pushed for her to end it and they got closer, snuck around more, and finally got caught.

Anyhow, she did worse than not validate me. She doubted me, told me I had made a mistake, and constantly criticized me. Now that business that I built on my own, well she’s going to get a plus $1mm pay day from it.

[ScottB]

R2C:

I will be single for some time. I am not looking for a LTR. I have no interest in anything serious. I’m single as single can be and I’m just looking to have fun; hiking, kayaking, dancing, dining or whatever. But NO LTR.

I have divorced friends that seem like they are looking to jump right back in and get married again. That is Insane. I don’t need a woman in my life. But I do like the company.

The crazy thing, as you probably know, is that at 40 I’m figuring out that I’m the hot check at the party from when I was 22. I’m struggling to make sense of that and how to respond. When I was young i had to work to attract women, now I kind of need to turn them down. It’s a wild role reversal and I’m not even out there yet.

It’s a real mind F.

[LH19]

Scotty B

So a couple things.

First I think it’s really important for you to learn to be alone. To me this is the key to the entire process. You tolerated a lot of bad behavior for a long time partly because I think you were afraid to be alone.

I always laugh when newly divorced guys say they want to just date and have fun. Scotty B most middle age women don’t want to just date and have fun. Now I am not saying it’s not possible but most women are not want going to want to be there to amuse you. Nothing wrong with going to parties and hooking up with single women. It’s just not as simple as I want to date and have fun.

[DonH]

When I was young i had to work to attract women, now I kind of need to turn them down. It’s a wild role reversal and I’m not even out there yet.

It’s a real mind F.

Wow, you have my sympathy! That must be really rough having to turn down all of these woman that keep chasing you. (Insert sarcasm emoji here). Lol

[ScottB]

DonH: Ha. This is my honest zone. I’m not entirely worried about what people think, and I try to leave it all here. But truth seems to be that 40 year old fit successful men are in short supply.

LH: I agree with you. I’ll be transparent. I have a friend about a year ahead in the process that has talked to me about where it starts and how it changes. We’ll see what happens.

And I do agree, I need to begin to work on really being fine being alone. I haven’t really started that work. Same time, I’ve surrounded myself with people that care and love me. Spring is on its way, which opens up a world of activities. I may be alone, but I’m not alone in nature. I’ll be hiking, biking, running and kayaking very soon.
—————
Today I had to spend some time with the STBX at one of my daughters sporting events. I was there first with my son and she came and sat by us. I didn’t say anything to her because I didn’t have anything to say. After 20 minutes she went to talk to Someone else. It was a 5 hour tournament so on and off I saw her all morning. I didn’t say much to her.

At another point she came up to my son and I and we went to grab lunch in the car. Another time him and I went to get coffee. At one point she was standing next to me, just the two of us, and she went to sit down. I felt like I should follow her but then thought, No, I don’t want to sit next to her. For some reason I felt a little guilty, but whatever.

Then My son was standing next to me and she texted him that she had an open seat next to her. So he turned to me and said “Mom asked me to come sit next to her.” I wasn’t sure what to do with that. He walked over there and then I felt really bad because I felt like I was tearing the kids in two, making them choose (even though I didn’t do it).

Anyhow, at a break I went and sat next to them so my son wouldn’t feel pulled in a direction. I’ll have to continue to think through those interactions for the kids, but I really don’t want to be around her. She’s a very negative influence in my life.

[ovrrnbw]

When I was young i had to work to attract women, now I kind of need to turn them down. It’s a wild role reversal and I’m not even out there yet.

It’s a real mind F.

Wow, you have my sympathy! That must be really rough having to turn down all of these woman that keep chasing you. (Insert sarcasm emoji here). Lol

Don, excellent validation!!!

Scott, you should get a sigline with your age and stats.

I would think you should at least say "hello" or "how are you" to your STBXW. You know, acknowledge her. It seems a bit awkward how you have handled it. If you didn't want to talk to her or sit by her, I understand that. Maybe get up and walk away. But if you're going to sit together and not talk then things just look like hell, and people pick up on that. Now, I'm not an advocate for coalescing to every standard society sets, but your kids are there, so you want to set a good example. Do the right thing, in every moment. Remind yourself that the hard thing is often the right thing.

Your kids are going through a tough time. My divorced when I was 16 and I hated it. I couldn't believe it. I thought if me and my brother and sister maybe didn't fight so much that mom and dad wouldn't have fought so much. We had to move, which I hated too. I had a lot of blame for my mom, it took me years to figure that out. Your W is only a negative influence in your life if you allow her to be an influence in your life. You can accept or reject any bit of information. Detach. Take care of your kids!

In my last post I said something like "this woman made me feel this and this woman made me feel that". Don't give up your power so easily. Control your emotions buddy, I know stuff is tough right now but you and I know you are tougher. How you handle this is the most important thing.

So how did the tournament turn out?

[Ready2Change]

Then My son was standing next to me and she texted him that she had an open seat next to her. So he turned to me and said “Mom asked me to come sit next to her.” I wasn’t sure what to do with that. He walked over there and then I felt really bad because I felt like I was tearing the kids in two, making them choose (even though I didn’t do it).

Anyhow, at a break I went and sat next to them so my son wouldn’t feel pulled in a direction. I’ll have to continue to think through those interactions for the kids

All normal. At the events, my kids bounced back and forth between me and their mother, the grandparents, their friends.....

If your X's behavior becomes a pattern and is intentionally trying to pull your S away from you, action may be required. If you are concerned, having a notebook documenting parenting irregularities might be warranted.


In this particular situation, I would have told him to "run quick before someone else sits next to her". It is always best to encourage a good relation between them. Do not stoop to her level if she is intentionally trying to interfere with your relationship with your children.

[ScottB]

R2C: I understand the kids bouncing around, but this was kind of weird - that's all.

Overrnbw: I did say hello, I just didn't ask about her new job or anything else, and she didn't really ask me about anything either. I'm just not going to be the one to start and maintain conversations. That's always been my role (to be the one that got the conversation going) and I'm not going to do it with her anymore. That means that its just quiet as she doesn't ask me about anything.

With all the sporting events coming up it is going to continue to be awkward. I'll probably try to find other parents I can sit with and talk to. I don't know, it will work itself out, and I'll try to make it easier on the kids.

[ScottB]

I've basically been no contact with the ex outside of short texts about the kids.

I still harbor anger with her. Overall I think I'm doing pretty good. My focus at work is not good. I do feel overwhelmed easily at work. I'm not sad or angry all the time.

I'm definitely still working through things. Since the beginning of the year I've only been in town one weekend when I didn't have the kids. I'd like to begin to make the new normal staying in town when I don't have them.

Its been four months since she moved out. I have a huge mediation session with attorney's this Wednesday which is going to suck.

I continue to eat well and workout hard. I am drinking a little more than I would like. I continue to look forward to spring/summer.

Anyhow, that's the short update.