Basic Stats: 10 yr R 7 yr MR 2 Step Ss (18 and 20) 2nd MR for both
Looking back I feel my H started his MLC about 3 yrs ago. I just didn't understand what was happening. Life had been very stressful with a crazy XW, ill/aging parents, job stress, kid stress, etc. I also started early into menopause (probably triggered by all the stress). When the pandemic began I asked if we could just put differences on hold and get through it. I thought we were doing okay, but hell, last year was a blur as menopause was not kind to me so I was exhausted and in a fog and barely functioning. I finally got the right help and started to feel better and my H gave me the Big D talk, but couldn't tell me why exactly. I asked if he was having an affair but he said no. He had been cheated on before so I never thought he'd do that to me, but I asked anyway. It all seemed so out of the blue to me that he had come to this point. I reacted badly due to the shock, cried, begged pleaded etc. He sort of said he'd consider it and left me hanging for a few weeks until he finally said he was done.
So I kicked him out. He said he was going to a mutual friends house, and I thought that would be good for him. He oddly seemed very cold and unemotional as he was leaving and kind of in a hurry. Long story short, I don't believe he actually went to the friends house, but rather to meet his OW (EA at this point I believe). He had talked to me about his other relationships and this one in particular had been hard for him as he almost married her. I'd never been a jealous type and totally trusted him, so when he said he had an opportunity to see her I said, yes, I think you need to get some closure on that one, so it would be good for you. He saw her and I thought nothing else of it. But again, I was in my own fog... When I discovered evidence of the affair, I texted him and said I knew what he was doing and only then did he admit to the OW, but claimed he had never cheated on me...and had been in this for at least six months. He didn't tell anyone, not even his friends until after I knew. Everyone told him he is crazy and this OW is just a fantasy and he should work on our relationship. I helped raise his kids with some very bad stuff from the XW and they said I didn't deserve this. But he's not listening to anyone.
They are still communicating, and he says he doesn't want to work on the marriage and still wants a divorce. Since then he's spent time away as well as spent time here at our home staying in the basement. I started a marriage saving program and have been doing some of the suggested things such as being positive, GAL, trying to connect without coming on too strong, not talking about problems or the affair, etc.
So things have been very nice and civil between us. I know he has filled out some stuff online through a divorce website, but he has not actually served me yet. As for the MLC, looking at the signs and the actions, he fits many of them to a T. I can see now why things in our relationship had become so hard...with walking on eggshells, criticism, judgement, and other odd behaviors. He seems like a totally different person. As for the OW, she is NOTHING like me, very religious and is married and has been for 20+ years. I don't even know if her husband knows. H does not believe in religion. And obviously she is a hypocrite to have an affair and pretend she is walking a pure path.
Anyway, if I saw that this woman fit him, I'd feel like maybe it was a WAS sitch, but I do think it's MLC and this relationship broke something that he is needing to fix. Anyway, right now she lives in another state, but he is still pushing hard for divorce. At this stage, I'm not sure if I should keep contact or go dark. I've not been needy, have made no demands, I just only pointed out that I won't help him divorce me and destroy our family; I need to know that I tried...and we really never did counseling or tried. We just got caught up in the stress of the last few years...and neglected to work on it...and obviously he was not even focused on us if he was having an EA. He's drained accounts and bought toys etc.
So, I am not sure how to protect myself other than divorce. I am going to see if he will sign an agreement about the funds he's spent come from his side of the assets, but the L is behind and I worry it won't get signed before I am served. Anyway, looking for any specific advice on how to proceed as well as I just need to communicate with others that understand what I am going through. Thank you for this forum and for the amazing information on it. It's really helped me a lot (as well as the heart's blessing MLC site).
Thanks.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/29/2101:08 PM. Reason: changed as per users request
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting for you. BTW, you may want to also pop over to the MLC Forum for additional information on MLC and visit some of the thread for additional assistance.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 07:23 AM. Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello and thank you! I’m glad to be here. I’ve already spent a lot of time on the site and have read all of the links provided above thus far. I feel in general terms I might be doing the right things, but hard to tell as every relationship is different. The other thing I struggle with is the marriage program I am doing says to be pleasant, show your best self, try to connect but not push too hard or be too lovey, but many MLC articles say pull away and be more detached, and make them engage with you. I fell like I’m doing both to a degree right now...depending on the day or his attitude...and not sure what is best for my scenario. Marriage fitness says be there, that once they come out of the affair they need to know you are there to stand a chance at reconciliation. But other articles I’ve read (including here) is to be more distant and detached and wait for him to engage. Both seem logical. Does his being in MLC crises determine the greater level of detachment I should do? Is he just pushing divorce to settle his guilt in the affair? Should I be cooperative in the divorce? Thanks for your advice.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I thought I replied but I don’t see it, so I’ll try again. I’ve been digging around the forum for a while so I have read the links you provided. Thank you for those, they’ve offered a lot of good information. I have ordered the books, but they have not arrived yet. I guess I’m wondering if there is any specific advice in my sitch. I’ve been civil, my best self, GAL, but trying to connect but not come on strong or make any demands. However, from the forum, if this is an MLC and not just an affair, is it better to be very detached and less pleasant? I don’t mean nasty, I mean more standoffish but nice, cool but not engaging unless he initiates, etc. if he’s deep in the fog and in luv with OW, does it really matter whether I am hot or cold at this point?
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
The books arrived today! I can’t wait to dig into them tonight. Staying hopeful. Read the threads from the veteran’s. Gives me lots of hope and good ideas.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Elbereth, wow, sorry you are going through so much. Marital issues, MLC, spouse, pandemic, menopause, work stress, worrying about the future, etc.
Your situation is very complex, more complex than most. My first and best piece of advice is to get into IC if you aren't. You need to be able to process your feelings and thoughts, and a good IC can help with that.
I also see a tendency to fixate on his MLC. If you have read and listened to Mort Fertel then you know from the WAS' standpoint they do not see the MLC as a crisis at all! They see it as an awakening, and epiphany. They see it that they've never thought more clearly before. Also, diagnosing it as a MLC is not a quick fix. So many LBSs take comfort in focusing on the fact that their WAS is going through a MLC, when in some ways that is the worst thing that could be happening. Most MLCs last years at a minimum. So if it is an MLC, you could be looking at a very very long haul.
So I encourage you to forget about OW. Stop focusing on your H, and turn that attention and focus to yourself. GAL, go out and live your best life. Reconnect with friends, pick up old hobbies you may have left behind, and be open to new friends and new hobbies. Get into IC, and focus on self-improvements. Try to become the best version of yourself that you can be. And finally work on detachment. Try to get to a place where his crazy has no emotional impact on you. You cannot control his crazy, so do your best to let it go and realize this is about him, not about you. We LBSs internalize so much that we forget that what the WAS is doing really has a lot less to do with us than we think. Detachment is a wonderful place to be, and will help you see and operate more clearly.
Hang in there. These things are marathons, not sprints. So focus on the one person you have full control over....yourself!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for responding. I have fixated on his MLC, I can't deny that. I'm a very analytical person and actually digging into the details has also allowed me to remain as calm and detached as I have been--as I can understand better how I have no control over his actions or feelings as well as it helps to realize it's not about me (not that I was perfect partner for my part either).
I've not told him he is in crisis or anything, but yeah, I agree he is seeing things the way you describe. He does have a tendency to not finish things and to run, so this is another manifestation of those tendencies I think. I am doing my best to focus on myself and actually that has been so much easier now that I am physically feeling better and feel more like myself again now that I got the help I needed medically. I was suffering from some major stress and anxiety, so I've been getting my heart checked and other tests to ensure I am on track to being healthy again. So far so good. I've lost weight, I'm working out again, doing self-care, reading and doing a lot of things for growth and development and just trying to be the best me. I've actually done pretty well in not responding emotionally and not engaging in drama. Overall, he was actually acting better as a roommate than he'd been for the last few years as a H. Even when I told him I would not help with the D, he didn't respond with anger, which surprised me.
He has been staying here for weeks, but this week he says he's going to stay elsewhere. Odd, as now our S is over again, so you would think he would want to stay here while his S is here (he goes back and forth between bio-moms house and ours every 2 wks). Anyway, he is also taking a trip all of the followoing week as well...and I am assuming he is seeing the OW as he is again going to the other state. I just hope he does what I asked and if he sees her that he stays away until he's quarantined to protect me and our son from Covid. I have hardly even brought her up. I only asked that he not wear a ring from her in my presence and if he sees her to quarantine. That is it. No other questions, no R discussions in detail, nothing.
As for IC I was...until recently. But I started to feel like he wasn't doing exactly as you suggested and I want, dig into my feelings and thoughts and growth. So I am looking at other options. He also asked if I was interested in dating for the PT I am missing...I was like WHA? Weird. No.
My first M almost 20yrs with 2 yrs of counseling. So it's important to me that I walk away feeling I did what I could to have my own closure if things do not work out. So that is my current goal, move forward with integrity, true to my principles, etc.
I guess what is hard, is if he serves me for a D, should I go along, or is being resistant to helping causing more harm than good? I do need to protect myself financially, as he has drained accounts, bought expensive toys, etc. He also wants to sell our home in a few months which is disrupting to our S who is having the 'worst Senior year' already due to Covid. So for now, I've just been trying to stall as well for S's stability. H thinks "he will be fine, he needs to know I need to be happy" but I worry that his boys will suffer in the future, and even though I am step-m, I want to remain in their life and hopefully show that commitments matter and you can have integrity and principles and still move on if its not working.
Anyway, I feel like I am rambling... Thank you all for listening and for the support.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
ICs are like anything else. Shop around until you find the one that works for you. And I certainly agree with changing ICs. Am I understanding that HE, the IC, wanted to date you? Or was he just telling you should date? If the first, then yeah that is a violation of ethics. If the latter, then he is just giving bad advice. Either way, time to find a better IC.
As far as the D, my advice is to not help nor hinder. What does that mean? You make him do all the work. If he asks about documentation, you point him to where the documents are filed (or if kept online, the account to access) but let him dig through and find the document or go online and print it out. You do not actively "resist" the D, but you don't help move it forward either.
Keep moving forward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That helps, I told him I wouldn't help, but wasn't as clear on the 'resist part'. Thanks for that!
As for the IC, I think it was his advice and it made me very uncomfortable. So, I'm on the hunt for a new one as well as I have been reading several books as well.
Moving forward one day at a time...
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
That helps, I told him I wouldn't help, but wasn't as clear on the 'resist part'. Thanks for that!
As for the IC, I think it was his advice and it made me very uncomfortable. So, I'm on the hunt for a new one as well as I have been reading several books as well.
Moving forward one day at a time...
One think I truly believe when it comes to IC is that you should find one that aligns with your beliefs. For me that meant a faith-based Christian IC. Some might prefer a different type of IC. But if the IC is antithetical to your principles then you should probably move on, and it sounds like this one was. Don't give up on IC, just give up on THAT IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No. 