I can relate, I know that when I found things (usually I was snooping though, I didn't just stumble across it) it was very difficult not to confront. Most of us in the thick of our sitches get spinning when we find evidence of the OP. You're right, it wasn't the right way to approach it from a DBing standpoint, but very few people can control their emotions enough to just keep on DBing. Detachment is about the not emotionally reacting, but detachment is not a switch you throw on and suddenly you're detached. It is a process that takes time and effort to finally arrive at a high enough level to remain even through incidents like this.
I say all that to say don't beat yourself up too much. The problem with confrontation is that it rarely goes the way you would like it to. But water under the bridge, just keep working and focusing on you! Better days are ahead.
Thanks Steve, that helps. I dwelled all night on how I reacted. I have been so good about keeping it together in front of him and not being emotional. I had felt pretty detached towards him otherwise. You are right, seeing the evidence and holding it in my hand is a different level, and I obviously have a way to still go to being detached in that way. I was actually shocked he even came over to speak to me about it in person. That's probably why I lost it. I wasn't prepared emotionally at all for that. And, I'm trying to not read too much into his actions or reactions. There is nothing about going through this type of sitch that makes any sense to a logical person, which I am.
Better days ARE ahead. I do know that. Thank you for saying so, I did need to hear it today.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
You have such a healthy POV on all of this! I love the focus on yourself and the relationships that matter, rather than this person who is living in a fantasyland. He IS unable to hear or understand what it is you are saying or feeling, because if he let himself do this, it would really F with all the pretty pictures he's drawn of himself and his A. You are right in that he cannot hear you and there is no point in trying. I wouldn't worry about your response, though. It happened and you move on. Now you know how it feels, it was probably healthy to get some of that out regardless of how it impacted him (or not), and you know it is fruitless and you have better ways to spend your time and energy.
That being said, I also don't think it was necessarily a bad thing for him to get a little whiff of ... wait... we won't be BFFs when this is all over? It may or may not have any effect, but I seriously doubt it harmed anything for you.
Hope you have some great plans for the weekend!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
You have such a healthy POV on all of this! I love the focus on yourself and the relationships that matter, rather than this person who is living in a fantasyland. He IS unable to hear or understand what it is you are saying or feeling, because if he let himself do this, it would really F with all the pretty pictures he's drawn of himself and his A. You are right in that he cannot hear you and there is no point in trying. I wouldn't worry about your response, though. It happened and you move on. Now you know how it feels, it was probably healthy to get some of that out regardless of how it impacted him (or not), and you know it is fruitless and you have better ways to spend your time and energy.
That being said, I also don't think it was necessarily a bad thing for him to get a little whiff of ... wait... we won't be BFFs when this is all over? It may or may not have any effect, but I seriously doubt it harmed anything for you.
Well I do agree that I think it did some 'good' in the sense that it is Fing with his fantasy. H popped over on the weekend and seemed a bit cautious of me, which is understandable as I was raging mad the last time we spoke. S18 was there, so I didn't make a fuss and was friendly and tried to act normal...whatever that is right now. Then today, during working hours, he pinged me about a question I really didn't have to be the one to answer. I responded, it is work stuff after all, and then he added some other color (trying to show support over a big change that affects me), and I responded but very little. Hell, he already knows what is going on and the impacts. Then he finished with something personal and I didn't respond.
Later tonight, he sends a message that he needs to stop over to switch vehicles and asks if S18 is home. I tell him no, and he asked if he can still come. I said it didn't matter to me, but found it odd that he wanted to bring up S18, and then not care if he sees him. He came over and I just kept doing what I was doing even though I said hello. He made effort to make small talk, again talking to me about some work stuff and some personal stuff. I asked again if he had reviewed the agreement. He said he hadn't and that he would tonight. He sent a message to me tonight that he's sorry for all the stress, that he will be fair to me and that he hates what is going on and he's crying about it. And I'm supposed to feel bad that he feels bad?
It's so confusing. And I'm trying not to read too much into it. I also stopped wearing my ring, and he probably noticed that too. Sorry? He hates this? He's definitely feeling guilt, but it's only probably because I've been turning my emotional back on him...so I am not being hopeful, and not responding to his message. What could I say anyway? Why should I help him feel better when he's been a lying, cheating, and taking money from me?
I spoke to a friend of his also this weekend...and he's pretty much done with him. He feels that his first M ended due to some of his characteristics and selfishness. That he had thought that it may have been more of the XW issues, but now realizes that she may have been driven to cheating from his selfishness. I really don't know if that is true, but I do wonder now what she must have gone through. Even if she is crazy. Really makes me wonder if my MR was doomed anyway, and that he is really flawed and this part of him always existed but was hidden from me. All kinds of things run through my head right now. I feel like I should get the D regardless, as I don't know what to think or believe, and if I can't trust him, I need to protect myself. He says he will be "fair to me", but how can you believe a someone who is a liar?
Anyway, now I am rambling. On a good note, I am going to be taking some courses to better understand financial investing and I'm continuing to put effort into myself and my career and my kids. I've been listening to podcasts, taking long baths and long walks. Also spent some time with my BFF on Saturday. So, other than the crap with H, it was a pretty nice weekend. I hope yours was too!
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Ah, the pursuer-distancer dynamic at work! Confusing, isn't it?
My main advice: DO NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. it is working. Both helping you to detach by not engaging with him and in letting him have a small dose of reality of what he is doing. But do not read into his behavior at all. Wall that off and continue to focus on you and what is best for you.
I hate the term "Plan B" but I do think there is a bit of the worry in him right now that he'll lose you. You've been his person now for a long time, and I'm sure there is some level of security in feeling that you don't want a D and will still be there for him in case this A fails. One of the problems in my sitch, I think, that dragged out limbo for so long was that I had been adamant that I was against a D because of the children-- something I'd communicated to him for months before I found DB. I made this so crystal clear to my H that even as I told him over and over if he left we would not be friends, I think a big part of him knew that as long as he didn't actually leave I would keep the door open. But it was the times when I was actually, authentically done, the first time pulling together financial records and the second time about to pick up the phone and call my mom to let her know what was going on, that he freaked out and started to backtrack big time.
One of the main rules of DBing is: do what works. I would continue your path. Do not let him distract you with his guilt or kindness or whatever mess is going on in his head.
Also-- there is zero logical reason to trust him right now. Here as well-- continue your path. He will show you with his actions if he may in the future be trustworthy again, but his recent behavior has shown he is not trustworthy. And I do not for one second feel sorry for him that he is now feeling a twinge of guilt. Yes, I'm sure it is not a fun experience to start to realize that your behaviors are perhaps not in alignment with what you thought were your values, since most people don't like to think of themselves as lying cheaters who steal from their wives. As I told my H many times-- if you don't want to be a liar, don't lie. If you don't want to be a cheater, don't cheat. (And now he is dealing with the extended consequences of this too... unfortunately, just stopping lying doesn't mean people will trust you immediately.) Even if your H becomes a trustworthy person, you will need to see a lot of consistent, trustworthy behavior before you can start to trust him again. That won't happen between now and signing your post-nup. So stay strong and continue your path.
I know it all $ucks. You didn't ask for this and you didn't deserve it. But you got this. You know you do.
xx May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I agree with Kind that you sound very strong to be able to interact with him the way you are, and with May that staying the course you're on with the post-nuptials and divorce sounds smart--it protects you while revealing his doubts. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's shocking this can happen even to the best people. I believe in you as someone who will come out on top no matter what. ((Hugs))
Hello friends. I've been down in the dumps the last few days. I think the confrontation just made me more sad but I am not really sure why. Maybe it's because I had been so good about keeping the focus on myself and the confrontation put him and his AP in my face again. Maybe it's just because I find anger exhausting. I'm not really sure.
Originally Posted by May22
Ah, the pursuer-distancer dynamic at work! Confusing, isn't it?
My main advice: DO NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. it is working. Both helping you to detach by not engaging with him and in letting him have a small dose of reality of what he is doing. But do not read into his behavior at all. Wall that off and continue to focus on you and what is best for you.
I hate the term "Plan B" but I do think there is a bit of the worry in him right now that he'll lose you. You've been his person now for a long time, and I'm sure there is some level of security in feeling that you don't want a D and will still be there for him in case this A fails.
It is confusing, but I figured it would occur, so it's not like I was surprised. He's actually made effort to text me at least once each day about little things. So far no contact yet today, but the day's not over yet. Ha! I do agree with what you say above May. And I hate the term "Plan B" too, but feel that's very true to where I stand at the moment, and it's not good enough. Even though I was a bit down in the dumps the last few days, I did do things for me, like take the entire day off from work yesterday to just walk on the beach. I definitely want him to feel like his Plan B is at risk and to feel less security, but I don't want to assume that's what he's feeling. He's had opportunity to change his actions, and so far he's not, so I just want to protect myself and move forward like he will never come back. I must assume that's what will happen.
Originally Posted by May22
Also-- there is zero logical reason to trust him right now. Here as well-- continue your path. He will show you with his actions if he may in the future be trustworthy again, but his recent behavior has shown he is not trustworthy. And I do not for one second feel sorry for him that he is now feeling a twinge of guilt. Yes, I'm sure it is not a fun experience to start to realize that your behaviors are perhaps not in alignment with what you thought were your values, since most people don't like to think of themselves as lying cheaters who steal from their wives. As I told my H many times-- if you don't want to be a liar, don't lie. If you don't want to be a cheater, don't cheat. (And now he is dealing with the extended consequences of this too... unfortunately, just stopping lying doesn't mean people will trust you immediately.) Even if your H becomes a trustworthy person, you will need to see a lot of consistent, trustworthy behavior before you can start to trust him again. That won't happen between now and signing your post-nup. So stay strong and continue your path.
I know it all $ucks. You didn't ask for this and you didn't deserve it. But you got this. You know you do.
I'm in total agreement. I'm moving forward with the Agreement and the D...no matter what he says or does in the short term. The process will take time anyway, so if I see that something is changing, I can take my time to see it and consider it. I don't trust a thing he's saying/doing and I don't trust he'll be fair to me. So I'm on guard for sure.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I agree with Kind that you sound very strong to be able to interact with him the way you are, and with May that staying the course you're on with the post-nuptials and divorce sounds smart--it protects you while revealing his doubts. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's shocking this can happen even to the best people. I believe in you as someone who will come out on top no matter what. ((Hugs))
Maybe I'm just sad as I'm passed the denial stage and I'm just sad and confused by how bad of a person he is right now. I don't know. I believed in him so much (as a person with integrity). I feel I wasted ten years of my life on a lie. Sort of makes me anxious to get it all over with so I can be free to move forward. I know I will be fine. I know I can make a future for myself and it will be a good one. But I'm still sad that the future I thought I had was snatched away from me in such a cruel and deceitful way. But, here we all are. I'm not alone, and that helps even though I'm angry and sad that any of us have to experience situations like this. Life is hard enough right? You'd think your chosen partners would be on your team.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I wish you weren't down in the dumps, but the positive aspect of being in the dumps is that it offers you are wonderful perspective - sunny days are more special after a rainy day! Now, I know this may be annoying and overly optimistic, but it may work for you too.
Things are not going to plan, but things are also what we make of them. It's awesome that you live so close to a beach, I hope it is a warm one.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
