It has been a while since I have come to the forums but let me give you an update on what has been happening over the last few months. Ever since I posted about WW leaving the country for a bit I have had a shift in my mindset. She left without S6 and me and him were doing pretty well until she came back. For the time she was away we were absolutely fine, both me and him and we were not the ones reaching out to her, we would only communicate when she called. Long story short, after she came back she asked me if I wanted to try one more time to make our relationship work, etc, etc. Because I knew that she had been in communication with OM while she was away, I was already fed up with all her flip flopping and I told her that I am done and if she wants to go she is free to go. We decided for her to find an apartment and move out whenever she found one that she liked. So we spent April, June and July looking for apartments, but there was nothing that she liked, there was always something wrong with the apartment that we were looking at. Finally, in a monumental brain freeze, after we saw one apartment that was decent I told her that I am done with her back and forth and all the "special requirements" for an apartment and I would be the one to move out. So I prepared all the paperwork, applied for the apartment and got approved. However, once I received the keys to the new apartment I realized my mistake and that I should not be the one being inconvenienced and pushed out of my own place, while she keeps being comfortable at home and continuing her fantasy A. What would be a good move on my end going forward? I am fine with her not living with me, her being with whoever she wants, however I don't want to lose my long term apartment and all the work and renovations that I have put into it over the last 10+ years. Both of the apartment leases are under my name and her name is nowhere on the deeds. I can easily cancel the new apartment lease and will take a small financial hit, but my question is do I have to leave my apartment if I have said so? We are also discussing mediation for our child custody case and my lawyer had told me that in order for us to begin mediation we need to have two separate addresses. We currently do not fight, as I have let go of her, and are pretty much coasting through the days and weeks as if everything is normal. Thank you all for your time and insight.
Hi dmrafa, I get it. You want this over--so you're helping her move out, so you're moving out yourself.
In the US I doubt you have to leave your place just because you said so unless you signed something binding or have been gone an extended time. Your attorney can clarify, right?
Are there any alternatives such as buying a separate PO Box or Physical Address without moving out? Do you have any legal basis to kick her out? If no luck with either of those, this seems like the first item to negotiate. You're the one who wants to change the status quo--get separate addresses in order to divorce. As you're the one motivated to make a change, you're the one who's going to need to sweeten the pot. How much are you willing to offer? This is a negotiation.
So you are done with her flip flopping, but are pulling your own flip flop. I agree that you shouldn't be the one that moved out, but you're the one that decided too. I say go through with it.
Now a question for you. Did you offer to move out because that's what you wanted, or did you think she'd end her A , choose you, and want to reconcile if she thought you were really leaving? Bluffing rarely works in these situations. Many LBSa has had their bluff backfire and regret it
You can cancel the lease, tell her you changed your mind, but I'm not sure that is the move that makes you look strong here. Never offering to move out was the strong move. If you do flip flop don't be surprised if she calls you out for it since you've done the same.
Last edited by SteveLW; 08/12/2111:54 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Here is what I tried to achieve - we have been doing the same things over and over and over again that nothing really changed, at this point I was done with her; something had to be changed. If she is out of the house, I am absolutely fine; if she is gone for a week, two weeks, a month, it does not affect me in any way. I can take care of myself and S6 completely. I don't want to be the one moving out of our home obviously, but she can do what she has been doing for the last two years, flip flopping, indefinitely. I am perfectly content with my life, house, neighborhood and city right now; she is the one who is not happy with me, our home, the city where we live, etc. Eventually, she plans to move out of the city and either be with OM or another one that can meet her needs, so I see it as a big mistake losing on our home that I have spent so many years making it comfortable.
SteveLW, to answer your question directly - I did offer for me to move out as a solution out of our limbo; I guess my NGS again put me in a sticky situation in order to keep the peace and to find a way out. It was never my intention or any hidden agenda to try to manipulate her or bluff her into coming back to me. At this point, I have not been pursuing her for the last 5-6 months, I have not been paying any attention to her, I have not been starting any R talks, I have not been buying her gifts or being intimate with her, I have not been arguing. I treat her just as another person that I know and my focus has been on me and S6.
Just read through your sitch. So she left the country without S6? For how long??? It's good she didn't take S6...considering she's from a different country and has family there who knows what would've happened. It's possible she wouldn't have brought S6 back. As CWarrior recommends above, I would look into an order barring her from taking the kids out of the country without your consent (especially because you're both from different countries).
Imo, you need to assume a D is going to happen. Start making actions which would strengthen your position financially but, more importantly, in terms of custody. Make sure to lean on your L here. What impact does her leaving S6 for a long period of time factor into the D and custody? Can you demonstrate you cared for S6 100% and even assisted his remote learning while she left and would that play well to a judge in a D?
I disagree with SteveLW when he says "go through with it". Do NOT move out of your current residence. If you need a separate address explore options CWarrior mentioned like PO Box. If you still feel strongly you need to make sure to consult a L it won't impact custody. However, consider it from S6's perspective...has he known the same residence his whole life? And in the future is he going to think back about what happened as "mommy moved out and left" or "daddy moved out and left". I would stay strong in the residence he's accustomed to and make her move out if she's having an affair and breaking up the family. You be S6's rock and let her be the one who has to take the action.
Last edited by BL42; 08/13/2110:48 AM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
If she is out of the house, I am absolutely fine; if she is gone for a week, two weeks, a month, it does not affect me in any way. I can take care of myself and S6 completely. I don't want to be the one moving out of our home obviously, but she can do what she has been doing for the last two years, flip flopping, indefinitely. I am perfectly content with my life, house, neighborhood and city right now; she is the one who is not happy with me, our home, the city where we live, etc. Eventually, she plans to move out of the city and either be with OM or another one that can meet her needs, so I see it as a big mistake losing on our home that I have spent so many years making it comfortable.
Again, if she's leaving for weeks or months at a time and not caring for S6 you should be documenting it along with everything you do for him. From what you describe you're effectively serving as his primarily caretaker now. Work with a L on how this plays in a D. She won't be able to move outside a reasonable distance unless you let her. And if she does move away it'll likely play against her getting joint custody. Right now she's fantasizing about her affair and future life with OM, but that will likely not end as she imagines. You need to position yourself correctly now so that if/when the affair blows up in her face you're already seen as the primary caretaker and she doesn't do a 180 and start fighting you over custody.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I agree with BL. I just don't think you should have ever made the offer and then signed a lease. You don't get someone to stop flip-flopping by flip-flopping. Now you are between two sub-optimal choices: following through and moving out, or going back on your word.
We could have helped you before you made the offer. I know you did it spur of the moment but impulsiveness will almost always work against you. Next time you have a urge for something big, come here and get feedback first. If more posters did that then conundrums like this could be avoided.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you all for the constructive feedback, I really appreciate it.
I realize the mistake that I made by offering to move out, albeit a bit late. Looking back on the past two years, I think that has been my only flip-flop and my position has been steady throughout. The first year and a half I was trying to save the family and the relationship, however once I saw her true colors I have been consistent in ending it all so that the pieces may fall where they need to and healing can begin.
BL42 - I am not our S6's primary caretaker, we both do our parts. I take him to afterschool activities on a couple days of the week, she does take him out in the afternoon on a couple of days of the week and we each take him for one weekend day (or sometimes we spend the day together with our friends). She left a total of 4 times for the past 2 years - one time prior to BD for a month with S6 in tow, and three times after BD - one time for a month and two times for 2 weeks where me and S6 were by ourselves. The rest of our trips for the last 2 years have been all 3 of us together.
SteveLW - thank you for the support. I agree with what you are saying are the two sub-optimal choices and I am ready to go back on my word. But would the heat that I would take for going back on my word (and the lack of integrity so to speak in that regard) be worse or would breaking up the family and the constant flip-flopping and lying and gaslighting be worse? Again, I admit that not thinking my decision through and my efforts to compromise is what got me into this mess and I am ready to pay the (financial) price for it.
R2C - Thank you for the suggestion. That is very helpful.
Again, thank you all for the support and for taking the time out of your day to chime in. It is greatly appreciated!
1) I would delay taking the financial hit until you make your plan to a) get her out of your apartment and b) get a second address. Make those plans pronto. Again, hopefully you can get a PO Box or new physical address without moving. I have a friend with a legal physical address they pay for but have never visited they use for tax and residency purposes. You're the one motivated to get the D, so you may end up offering her $$$ to leave the apartment solely to you--1st month's rent could be part of that.
Originally Posted by dmrafa
But would the heat that I would take for going back on my word (and the lack of integrity so to speak in that regard) be worse or would breaking up the family and the constant flip-flopping and lying and gaslighting be worse?
2) You're putting too much emotional weight on this decision. Whichever property you reside in, a D means breaking up the family, and she may continue to flip-flop and lie and gaslight. Although a D means a bit of insulation from that. Not perfect insulation, since you share kids. Wolfman and his ex, for example, seem to have more negative interactions than most couples who still live together.
