Thank you both, cadet and job, for what you both do! Much appreciated! Your links in the welcome message were amazing when I came to the board! I still go back and reread those occasionally.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
sandi, was thinking about you and hoping you are doing well! I will keep you in my prayers in relation to your health. Thank you for the help you gave me in my sitch, and the continued help you get to LBSs, LBHs in particular especially those dealing with a WW. Your insight is invaluable.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I started reading the boards here after my own BD 7 years ago. I was smacked with so much loss and devastation in a short time. This place really saved my life. It took me many years before creating a handle and posting myself— I was too vulnerable before that. I recall some amazing vets and advice over the years — you Sandi (obviously), Starsky (incredible), Wonka, 25, AnotherStander, and several others whose names elude me .... The vets spent time getting to know the poster and gave very personal and detailed feedback. I learned so much reading their stories and following.
I feel like the energy has shifted in the last couple years. There are not as many strong vets with solid and in-depth support. It’s often the same advice from the same posters. At times it reads confrontational and short-sighted. Sorry if that’s harsh of me, but it’s honestly what I think most days when I read a new thread. Also, Newcomers come and go much faster nowadays. I agree that it’s hard to invest the time and energy, for them to vanish and then be left wondering or perhaps worrying about them.
I don't have experience in what the boards were like previously, but I do want to make a plea for posters to keep a couple of key things in mind:
-- the LBS you are posting to is in crisis. Be kind. What you might consider to be "tough love" might drive someone who is really hurting and needs this place away. There are some posters who are able to deliver the 2x4s with love and nuance. Others can be, quite honestly, cruel. There was a poster here who helped me immensely through my situation. She was kind and direct and incredibly generous with her time and knowledge. She posted on her own thread about a very difficult situation with her H (they were in piecing) and a poster wrote a cruel and dismissive comment, basically saying he didn't know what the f!$k she was doing. That was months ago and she hasn't posted since. She'd been a member of the board for a couple of years before that and I quite honestly think his post was her last straw. I'm sad both for her but selfishly for myself as well. I considered her a friend and wish I knew how she was doing, and if this place had given her solace in the past and she needed it again, I am sad and sorry that she no longer felt safe here. Plus, her advice to me and others was gold. So I would just ask posters to be thoughtful in how they speak to people who are in pain and need support. Being a jerk isn't a badge of honor.
-- my other request is for posters to be more understanding that every LBS is different. Even if their situation seems similar to your own, they are a different person than you are and they may have different tolerances and decision-making processes than you do. So honor that. Instead of telling them what to do, ask them questions that can help them figure it out for themselves. Don't tell them you have no self-respect, or you clearly are acting out of fear, or whatever. You don't KNOW that! You may see that or think that from the outside, but telling someone what to do rarely works to change behaviors. Help them ask the right questions, release the focus from their WS, and guide them to find the answers themselves.
I do think that the tone of some of the posters is part of the reason that so many newbies come and go so quickly. I think it is possible to be supportive and a safe space for people in crisis while still providing difficult feedback to folks that need to hear it. Sandi is an example of someone who does all of this really really well. Her posts are always caring, thoughtful, and individualized to the LBS she's supporting. (thank you Sandi!!) I think we could all learn from her example.
Just my two cents, May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I've noticed some days show little movement on the board. I just wanted to remind all our newcomers that they don't have to wait for an "update" to give us. I'd hate for anyone passing through to take a look at the forum and think this board has dried up........thereby, choosing to find another one. I'm not complaining......just concerned. This is a special place to me, b/c it played a significant part in helping me get my head back on straight.
((hugs to everyone))
sandi,
You're the main reason I keep coming back here! I read the rules, then the posts on WW.
Thanks for your input, Job and Cadet. I agree about the name of the board, and have seen a few newcomers become frustrated when we would try to encourage them to focus on themselves (goals, 180's, GAL, etc.). They would say something like, "If I wanted a self-improvement course, I would have went somewhere else. I thought this board was about busting divorces."
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I came to this Board in January of 2000. The Board had not been around very long, but the atmosphere was quite different. Posters didn't fear what they had to say and quite honestly, they were much more open and to the point. We were allowed to post how to reach individuals off line and connect more personally that way. We had our good days and bad. We also had a number of trolls and stalkers as well. We were able to express ourselves w/o the fear of offending others. We challenged the posters far more and we gave as good as we got when it came to advice.
Yes, I noticed the change in the atmosphere about 10 years ago. People post and in some instances, do not think about how their words cut into someone's soul. They write as they would actually talk in person. People need to slow down, re-read what they've posted and think about how it sounds. The written word is open for interpretation and yes, there are times, the words are harsh and actually scream at the person seeking help. Posters tend to forget that you aren't talking to a group of people on the street corner, but through a Board w/the written word. We have to be mindful of how our postings sound to others reading them. We have had to boot a few off the Board because of this behavior over the years. It's unfortunate, but sometimes it has to be done.
The times have changed and so has the way that we communicate and express ourselves. People are more sensitive these days and people get offended much more easily. Now, we have to watch what we say and how we say it. Because of hackers and people coming and viewing what we post more readily, we have to basically water down our issues so that people lurking can't figure out where we are from and who we are. We aren't allowed to post links to other sites that may provide more insight, etc.
Like I said, times have changed and the world has become so much more competitive than it was 21 years ago and if this Board doesn't keep up w/the changes, it will slowly die off.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wish I had found DB earlier. I spent at least a year lurking (not posting) on a Reddit forum trying to understand how I could set things back on track with my MR. Once you sorted through the 90% of posts which were not useful, 10% were incredibly useful and much of the advice matched what I found here. But... there was not the same interactive feel and connection to other people's stories that I have found here.
By the time I found this website, I knew a BD was coming. I was online every night desperately searching for advice, saw the words "walk away spouse" in a Google search, read a couple articles that resonated with how I felt at the time, and somehow found this place. I had MWD's book shipped to an Amazon locker and jumped right in.
In other words, it was by dumb luck that I even found this forum. I will be forever grateful for the advice and interactions I have had here, and would advocate strongly for making it more easy to find.
I agree with the comments about technology. The most frustrating thing to me is posting on a mobile device.
I don't post much anymore for privacy/legal reasons. This has nothing to do with the forum or site, I just prefer to avoid taking any chances while we move through court.
You have a good handle on what's happened and what would help. I suspect you know some administrative contact you are passing these along to? I've watched good, long-time message boards fade away before. You definitely have a community of people here (myself included) who would love to help out.
PS - Thank you Job and Cadet for all you do! You are doing a ton right.
