I know a woman who had a very successful business, dozens of employees, etc. and going through a really nasty D. She ended up taking that business into bankruptcy and starting a fresh new business to prevent him from taking half. I'm not sure exactly how it worked but she ported over all her EEs and clients to her new location and business name (which basically did the same thing as the old one).
I guess I'd also be interested to know what the value of the business is without your involvement and what methods are being used to value it. I'm sure your attorney is working out the best possible options for you and I obviously know nothing about your business or your role in it. But, I wonder if you were to look at the scenario Steve lays out-- you sell it and walk away-- that might actually significantly decrease the value of the business if you're not involved anymore, depending on how much of the future success of the business depends specifically on your talent/involvement. And so whether you do that or not it could be a bargaining chip in laying out the numbers and decrease the value of her payout even if you keep it.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Steve - I’m beginning to financially model selling the business versus keeping it. It’s a very challenging decision but that is something I’m looking at. Considering she was never supportive of the business it’s really hard to know she gets half. It would have been different if she were supportive and helped me build it but that was not the case at all.
Florida was good, I'm not sure the folks here would be very supportive of my trip. I ended up meeting someone, we played golf, hung out on the beach, I had an unbelievable amount of fun, I don't think a woman has complimented me that much in my life, she was gorgeous and sexy and sharp. It made me recognize my value in an incredible way.
It was very hard to come back. Its hard to get back into dad mode. I just want this divorce over with and I want to move on. I'm nervous about the next phase. What my X did to me and my psyche is hard for me to recognize. I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did. And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with. I'm not sure I'll be open to getting married again, which flies in the face of my more traditional values, but I'm just not sure I can do it - time will tell.
I'm a lot angrier with my X than I was. She came by yesterday and to drop something off for my son and I just wanted her to freaking get out. She called me over the weekend for something with my kids and I text her back. I want nothing to do with her, I want the divorce over with so I can move on.
I've heard a lot of the feedback about getting comfortable being alone and being independent. The spring is breaking and that will help because with more sunlight I'll be able to do more of the things I like to do - but I also like companionship, I think that's pretty natural.
Hello ScottB. [quote=ScottB]Well, I am done with this marriage.
“ I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did. And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with. I'm not sure I'll be open to getting married again, which flies in the face of my more traditional values, but I'm just not sure I can do it - time will tell. “
Hello Scott, this quote caught my attention. No, you won’t love again the same way, you would love better again. During all this time while we witnessed our life changing we changed as well. I understand the latest rage with your X, it feels like the camels back bursting rather than breaking , we tied the actions with numbness back in time and now when everything came full circle is when we dare to feel the rage.
Trusting someone who betrayed is on them. As long you know that your imperfections do not harmed the well being of anyone keep walking tall.
Love is something that we shared when we have it on us. Nobody can take anything from us without our consent. Enjoy your spring break, best of luck.
Florida was good, I'm not sure the folks here would be very supportive of my trip. I ended up meeting someone, we played golf, hung out on the beach, I had an unbelievable amount of fun, I don't think a woman has complimented me that much in my life, she was gorgeous and sexy and sharp. It made me recognize my value in an incredible way.
Feels great doesn't it Scotty B
Originally Posted by ScottB
I just want this divorce over with and I want to move on. I'm nervous about the next phase. What my X did to me and my psyche is hard for me to recognize. I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did.
Remember that feelings change all the time.
Originally Posted by ScottB
And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with.
This^^^^^^^^
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm a lot angrier with my X than I was. She came by yesterday and to drop something off for my son and I just wanted her to freaking get out. She called me over the weekend for something with my kids and I text her back. I want nothing to do with her, I want the divorce over with so I can move on.
Yep. They become a sense of major annoyance after awhile.
The feelings that you are having are all normal right now.
Florida was good, I'm not sure the folks here would be very supportive of my trip. I ended up meeting someone, we played golf, hung out on the beach, I had an unbelievable amount of fun, I don't think a woman has complimented me that much in my life, she was gorgeous and sexy and sharp. It made me recognize my value in an incredible way.
It was very hard to come back. Its hard to get back into dad mode. I just want this divorce over with and I want to move on. I'm nervous about the next phase. What my X did to me and my psyche is hard for me to recognize. I'm not sure I'll ever love like I did. I'm not sure I'll ever trust like I did. And I will certainly never give my life away to someone else to let them do what they want with. I'm not sure I'll be open to getting married again, which flies in the face of my more traditional values, but I'm just not sure I can do it - time will tell.
I'm a lot angrier with my X than I was. She came by yesterday and to drop something off for my son and I just wanted her to freaking get out. She called me over the weekend for something with my kids and I text her back. I want nothing to do with her, I want the divorce over with so I can move on.
I've heard a lot of the feedback about getting comfortable being alone and being independent. The spring is breaking and that will help because with more sunlight I'll be able to do more of the things I like to do - but I also like companionship, I think that's pretty natural.
Anyhow, I wanted to post just to keep up.
Scott, it is your life and you get to make your decisions and choices. So you shouldn't be worried about what the board will approve or disapprove of. You did get dragged through the ringer, no question, and I can understand why you would question everything: love, trust, sharing, etc. That is where IC can help so much. I truly believe that people are the products of their environment around those things. What worked for your parents may or may not work for you. I know my dynamic in my marriage is so much different than the dynamic in my parents'. And I truly believe that is why I struggled for years in my own marriage. Finally finding my own footing through self-discovery, IC, etc has helped me (and my MR) immensely.
I do have to point out that I have seen this movie before. I've had friends that going through rough patches in thier marriages, turn to members of the opposite sex for support. Then a new R started blossoming there and they were "DONE" with their marriage. The problem was that they hadn't fully dealt with the emotional baggage from their MR, so when the R with the new person predictably went bust, then they were back to pining for their EX, and wishing they could R with them. That is why so many refer to looking for solace in other people as a "band-aid". Band-aids cover the wound, not heal it. Healing comes from underneath...from inside.
Scott, the interesting thing is that sometimes once the LBS really moves on, the WAS suddenly starts questioning what they are doing. As you continue to move forward, and to detach, she will start feeling that sense of loss as you being their as her safety net......and that might get her to come around being more open to saving things. That will be your real test about how much you are done with the marriage.
Onward and upward, Scott! You've got this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The problem was that they hadn't fully dealt with the emotional baggage from their MR, so when the R with the new person predictably went bust, then they were back to pining for their EX, and wishing they could R with them. That is why so many refer to looking for solace in other people as a "band-aid". Band-aids cover the wound, not heal it. Healing comes from underneath...from inside.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Get together with your friends - the guys. Spend some time healing and really learning from your whole sitch.
Another woman is not what you need.
One of my good friends who I used to play poker with has described me as being on tilt. In poker, when you get emotional after losing a hand they call that Tilt. Its when you stop thinking, start reacting, and begin to make bad emotional decisions. Sometimes it works out, but more often than not you get busted. Which means you lose everything.
Its weird. I'm in a very different place. I don't think about the X much at all. I am no longer pining for her at all. But I am feeling a pull to date other women - I think it is about validation, restoring confidence, companionship, and proving to myself that I'll be all right.
The WAS destroys a person, my WAS destroyed me.
She had an affair and that pain of rejection and betrayal was severe. But I took her back. We went to counseling together and for the next three years she told me everything that was wrong with me, while I simply took her for who she was and accepted her. As I worked to improve myself, she would say she wanted a separation or divorce and any stumble I made or even when I did nothing wrong but she just didn't like something I did, she would use that against me.
As the counselors and her pushed me to share my feelings or to be vulnerable, my WAS would weaponize that against me.
And it didn't all start with the affair, there were things going on before that which had paved the path to break me down.
Unfortunately I can get validation of my value and worth from other women. I haven't had that in 15 years and it feels really good. I should follow the advice of my friends here and I think I can, but the pull the other way is significant and I'm going to fail along the way. I agree that I should probably stop avoiding the situation or something, but I don't know. This is my path to recovery maybe.
As I'm on Tilt, I just need to make good enough decisions that I don't blow myself up.
She had an affair and that pain of rejection and betrayal was severe. But I took her back. We went to counseling together and for the next three years she told me everything that was wrong with me, while I simply took her for who she was and accepted her. As I worked to improve myself, she would say she wanted a separation or divorce and any stumble I made or even when I did nothing wrong but she just didn't like something I did, she would use that against me.
I've seen some people use the "divorce card" like you've described, and it must get very old after a while. Either that's all she has a leverage to control you, or she's looking for the slightest excuse to end the M. She's made the problem and counseling sessions all about you, when in reality, she should take a long look at herself.
I am curious about something. Before the breakdown in the relationship, how would you rate her in verbally validating you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
