Trying to heal from WW - part 2

[SaltyDog]

Look Ace I know I was rough on you but you really do not understand how you should consider yourself lucky this happened to you now and not years down the road when you had children.

This x1000! And I am not trying to minimize what you are going through in any way, but you have the opportunity to focus 100% on what's best for you without the guilt and/or pressure of considering what's best for your kids. Take advantage of that. Be selfish as hell.

[SaltyDog]

Had a few drinks with my dad last night and ended up messaging her the old nonsense about loving her,etc which i havent done in months amd was a major setback but can keep trying to learn from my mistakes.

No good decisions are made after a few drinks. If you're gonna drink, lock your phone and put it away.

There were some bad times but i would rather be back in my marriage with its faults than be where i am now.

I know exactly what you are saying and I am not completely out of that way of thinking myself and struggle daily. Just remember how things are now are not how they will be tomorrow. Nothing is permanent and the only constant is change. I know that sounds like new-age spiritual bullsh!t, but it is also true. You can be the driver of that change, which is what I am attempting, or you can keep getting knocked around by all the waves and try to just keep your head above water. I got tired of being knocked around.

[Steve_]

Ace,

Let me tell you from advice, YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!! Sorry for the yelling but I needed it, still didnt listen, still tried to fix, spoil, love, blah blah blah, thought if I showed just how amazing I can be, how strong my NGS is, that she would just wake up one day and be like "oh, wow, I am such a selfish ass and I need to be with my husband that loves me etc, etc etc," Yeah, never gonna happen. Also if she dumps you but you feel like you need to win her back, she has 100% of the power, which is why she disrespects you. Trust me, I have severe NGS myself i'm working on.

You could win the super lotto tomorrow, take her to the Maldives or Bora Bora, buy her a ferrari, she might sleep with you, might even fake her happiness, but she wont ever respect you, and if there is no respect there will be no love, women are NOT attracted to men they have zero respect for.

So please realize that you cant do anything to fix this now buddy, just let her go, and see what happens. I finally got it after 6 months myself trying to "fix it."

[Ace_32]

Hi LH, thanks for your reponse. I know i am being really weak and i realised it was a setback, dont think i was as detached as i thought. Going no contact for so long made me feel like i was detaching but her showing me that she is still human made me go back to my old mindset of having hope and trying again to reach out to her which was stupid of me.

I honestly have no idea whats going on in her personal life or who she is seeing, i heard from one mutual friend that she was seeing my friend but thats all i know and dont know what to believe.

I did eat it up, even if i knew what she was saying was BS. Anytime she said anything that gave me hope i would latch on to it but i know i cant trust what she says.

She cheated once a few months before we got married, didnt again as far as i know until we were seperated. But that i guess should be more than enough times to make me realise. Once should have been enough to open my eyes, do think she is a serial cheater and its her default setting.

Obviously that wouldnt be the ideal thing for me but its fear of moving on. I hate change and the life i had was familiar to me and comfortable. I know there is no going back and that mindset is keeping me stuck. I am very stubborn and i do try to listen to everyones advice but struggle to put it into practice. I understand how frustrating i can be. Thanks for the advice, will try get my hand on these books.

[Ace_32]

Thanks for the responses guys. SD i do realise its a big blessing to not have had kids with her, that would have made this so much worse. I cant imagine how tough it must be when there are kids involved. Changing my mindset is the most difficult thing i have ever tried to do, i fixate on things as if thinking and worrying about everything will somehow make things better which it never will. All it does is burn me out and make me constantly anxious. Glad to hear you are making progress on that, im tired of getting knocked around as well.

Steve, i have kept up to date with your situation. I know my situation hasnt been as bad, but i can relate to you and your way of thinking of things. Its good that you reached that point now, i need to get there soon and hopefully i will.

[LH19]

Hi LH, thanks for your reponse. I know i am being really weak and i realised it was a setback, dont think i was as detached as i thought. Going no contact for so long made me feel like i was detaching but her showing me that she is still human made me go back to my old mindset of having hope and trying again to reach out to her which was stupid of me.

I honestly have no idea whats going on in her personal life or who she is seeing, i heard from one mutual friend that she was seeing my friend but thats all i know and dont know what to believe.

I did eat it up, even if i knew what she was saying was BS. Anytime she said anything that gave me hope i would latch on to it but i know i cant trust what she says.

She cheated once a few months before we got married, didnt again as far as i know until we were seperated. But that i guess should be more than enough times to make me realise. Once should have been enough to open my eyes, do think she is a serial cheater and its her default setting.

Obviously that wouldnt be the ideal thing for me but its fear of moving on. I hate change and the life i had was familiar to me and comfortable. I know there is no going back and that mindset is keeping me stuck. I am very stubborn and i do try to listen to everyones advice but struggle to put it into practice. I understand how frustrating i can be. Thanks for the advice, will try get my hand on these books.

Ace it’s all good and understand it’s hard because I lived through it myself. I’m convinced these things happen for a reason to show us where we are not free. You will never be happy in a relationship if you are a prisoner in it. Start learning to adapt and be uncomfortable in certain situations.

[SaltyDog]

i fixate on things as if thinking and worrying about everything will somehow make things better which it never will. All it does is burn me out and make me constantly anxious. Glad to hear you are making progress on that, im tired of getting knocked around as well.

I know EXACTLY what you mean about the constant thinking, worrying, ruminating, etc. It is absolutely brutal and drains you to the point where you have nothing left for work, kids, or yourself. And I am by no means over it, not at all. But I've worked hard on realizing that all that worrying has changed nothing and helped nothing. All it did was ruin my life even more, make me sleepwalk through life, not be present with my kids, and mail it in at work. I really think most of the pain we go through is self-inflicted. Sure, they are the ones who put us in this position but we're the ones who allow ourselves to stay in them and keep torturing ourselves with thoughts of "what is she doing?" "who is she with?" "will she come back?" blah blah blah. None of those thoughts are helpful. None of them will do anything other than make you feel worse than you already do. I think once you get to the point you (and I) are at where there is nothing more to find out or snoop for because it can't get any worse, it is almost a twisted kind of freedom. For me, I leaned heavily into mindfulness/meditation and doing my best to be rooted in the present moment and not worrying about what might happen in the future or dwelling on the past. It isn't a magic bullet, I still hurt, but the hurt is less and doesn't last as long when it comes.

[Steve_]

This is the DB forum type stuff we need, yes the 2x4's are good for growth but explaining how its not abnormal to stew, to grasp, to feel this way. That helped me a lot. Ace I am still not detatched. I know right now if my WW came over, stripped her clothes off and proposed to get remarried id accept it. However my small victory was in just not being so available to her plan changing, her cake eating. You are actually ahead of me, the only thing we got in common at this time really is that any little positive interaction we see as hope, like the door is cracked open to recon, and it isnt man. When someone wants to recon they walk through the door, they dont leave it cracked. Door is shut my friend. Took me 6 months to see that.

Just understand you have no control, no power, no plan, no trick that will fix this. Only thing that can is time and distance and maybe if you were a good H she can come around later and maybe yall can try to rebuild an M 2.0 but until she pursues you for it, your holding onto thin air. Believe me I was doing this up until very recently.

[SaltyDog]

Only thing that can is time and distance and maybe if you were a good H she can come around later and maybe yall can try to rebuild an M 2.0 but until she pursues you for it, your holding onto thin air.

It might sound counter-intuitive, but once I really internalized that, it helped give me some sense of control. As if the tables had turned somehow and as long as she's cake eating I know things aren't going to get better and that allows me to move on.

[Ace_32]

Thanks for the responses guys. LH i know that most here can relate and have been through this pain, thats why i feel drawn to constantly come back and read other sitches. Dont know where there is a line of spending too much time here. Do believe that i didnt realise i wasnt free or how toxic everything was and i needed to be removed from the situation even if it wasnt my choice.

SaltyDog, agreed its one thing to realise that you are doing it and the damage its causing to your life and another thing to actually start fixing your thinking. It is a bit liberating to know that the worst is happening and getting the confirmation that you arent crazy. Still dont understand why my W gaslights me about it.

Saw a pic of her and OM on the beach recently on social media (yes i know i shouldnt snoop, still trying to stop that) and asked her ehy she wont just admit it to me. She basically said its none of my business what is going on in her life and she is not my property but anyway i guess she is right, except that she is still my wife but whatever. She said she only wants to talk about the divorce from now on, i got a bit angry and messaged saying that i know she isnt my property but we made a commitment to each other that was supposed to be for life. I also said that im grateful we never had kids because of how much more devastating this would have been. She then blocked me, i actually laughed when i saw that she had.

Steve, its good to admit you aren't detached. I also had to admit that to myself again recently. If she had a proper heartfelt conversation with me saying she wants to make this work i would probably also still fall for it. I read about your sitch where the planned the nice evening for your W and she kept changing the plans and it fell through. That must have been really tough getting your hopes up to just get disappointed again, i probably would have tried as well if it was me. Agree with you that the door is closed and i there is nothing i can do. If she truly wants to reconcile one day i will know because she will be clear about it and will have to decide where i stand if that ever happens.