As Sandi and I worked out at one point, we live in very different places and have very different circles of friends and acquaintances, as she doesn't know anyone who lived together before getting married and I don't know anyone who DIDN'T. So yes, I believe that women exist who would respond well to that approach. I simply don't know any of them.
I'm with you - I don't know anyone who didn't live together before getting married. Also, not being religious myself, I do see some of that undercurrent show up at times in threads and am a little put off by it. There's nothing wrong with it, just isn't for me.
Originally Posted by may22
SD, thanks for the responses to my questions. I think you are doing really well. Don't try to skip over any of the steps-- this is one of those situations that you just have to go THROUGH it. Don't feel pressured to move faster than is right for you. Take what serves you from this board and don't get bogged down by advice that doesn't fit your situation. But also listen, even if you don't agree, and commit to continue reevaluating your situation and boundaries with a clear eye and be ready to make changes when the time is right. I think if you continue on this path, regardless of what happens with your M, you're going to grow immensely through the trauma and will be grateful for the gifts it gave to you.
Thank you and I agree 100%. This board is amazing and I don't know that I'd be where I am now without it. I've learned a lot and use a lot of what I've learned daily. I know I drive LH batty, but I like his input and his point of view and there have been things he has been spot on in predicting. I also may be being naïve in thinking some of his other predictions won't also come true, there are just some things about my situation that I think are different. But then again, so does everyone else.
Originally Posted by may22
Have you read any Esther Perel? I think you might enjoy her books. Also, you might like to read DnJ's thread over on the MLC board. He has some incredible posts about validation and boundaries and detachment. He is very wise and I think what he writes might resonate with you.
I have not read Esther Perel, will take a look now along with those threads. Thank you!
I have always thought yours was different that your w only had one foot out the door when most have two.
I’ll give you another prediction. You’ll know in May. If she wants to reup the lease I would get a lawyer and settle into the family home because she has no intention on coming home.
You know why I get batty because I’m pretty sure if I would have used tough love in my situation I could have saved my marriage. Luckily for me with hindsight and the rose colored glasses coming off I’ve never been happier. It took a long time but I clearly see my exw was not worth fighting for after all.
So all I can do is pass along what I’ve learned and some people like my advice and some don’t. That I certainly can’t control.
So I think you have to look at each situation individually and adjust accordingly. In your sitch self-respect may have been the problem, but in SD's a lack of respect from a WW might have been the key.
It was definitely a big part of it all, because you can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves. If you asked me a year ago if I respected myself, I likely would've said "sure, of course, duh!" but looking back now I can see the truth of how I really was. Does that excuse my W? Nope, like 97Hope said - "get a dog."
Originally Posted by SteveLW
And in society that now tries to deny the biological differences between men and women, it can cause confusion when LBHs, like myself and SD, come here with our self-confidence completely shot by WWs that lost any shred of respect for us 2+ years ago.
I think the biological stuff is separate from the "masculine" vs. "feminine" needs we all have though. I think a lot of men in our situations focus heavily on the more macho aspects of being masculine and swing from being a doormat to something out of Jersey Shore to compensate for our self-confidence being completely shot. Even if things don't work out for my M, I don't have any desire to be a "player" looking for hookups and all that and if things don't work out I know it won't destroy my confidence the way it would've 3-4 months ago.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
But the fact that the majority of heterosexual women cannot be attracted to a man that they do not respect is a pretty well-known fact.
Totally agree, however the variable in that equation is different women respect different things. My W is a strong-willed, stubborn, Finnish/Irish woman with a doctorate. Me standing up and saying "listen here little lady...." won't fly. (Not that that is what people are suggesting I do). Her seeing me do 180s, being present, being more confident in myself, getting in shape, and all the GAL stuff though, is a different story. It is tough to quantify, but the energy I give off today is so much different than what it was a year ago. I laugh SO much more. I remember at one point last year where we were doing something and we both started laughing - full on belly laughs - and after I thought to myself how GOOD that felt because I hadn't done it in so long.
Standing up for yourself and having boundaries doesn't mean being a Jersey Shore jerk or over macho caveman or a player. I like how Wayfarer put it, it is more nuanced than that. The sweet spot between doormat and caveman. It is a balancing act for sure.
What you describe in that last paragraph was EXACTLY my approach. If you read my threads I even had a moment where we were laughing at something silly and she actually turned to me and asked me "who are you?" So yes, more of that. And as I eluded to in my response to may or wayfarer, you can do both! You can stand up for yourself when necessary and still be present, confident, getting in shape, and GAL, and laughing and having fun when appropriate!
So SD, you are making progress, just keep it up. Remember probably the #1 rule in DBing: Do what works.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have always thought yours was different that your w only had one foot out the door when most have two.
You may be right about that. I guess I still feel like she only has one out, and in some ways isn't as far out of the door as she was. The EA is over and she was the one to end it. When she had one foot out, the EA was going strong. She's told me she went from "hoping to have hope" back in the beginning to actually having hope. Little steps and no guarantees, but better than the alternative.
Originally Posted by LH19
I’ll give you another prediction. You’ll know in May. If she wants to reup the lease I would get a lawyer and settle into the family home because she has no intention on coming home.
It took a long time but I clearly see my exw was not worth fighting for after all.
You were right. I don't regret doing things the way that I did, and you may also have been right about me being able to turn things around back months ago, but now I'm glad I didn't because it was all lies. From the beginning. The EA was a PA before the BD even happened. She lied about that. She did break it off with him, but now they're back. She is taking a trip back down there and is supposed to be meeting him for a week of fun. She left her chat with him open on her computer for anyone to see. All kinds of good stuff in there. So that's that. I found a local family law attorney with good reviews and Monday I'll set up an appointment. Time to move on. Thank you everyone for your help, I definitely did grow a lot and I'll make it through this.
So sorry you had to find out all that, and with all those details too, I understand how hurtful that must have been.
It’s great that you’ve recognised your growth, but please don’t stop growing just because you’ve made the decision to move on. It’s a lifelong journey my friend, keep at it. The people here will be still here whatever happens.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
It took a long time but I clearly see my exw was not worth fighting for after all.
You were right. I don't regret doing things the way that I did, and you may also have been right about me being able to turn things around back months ago, but now I'm glad I didn't because it was all lies. From the beginning. The EA was a PA before the BD even happened. She lied about that. She did break it off with him, but now they're back. She is taking a trip back down there and is supposed to be meeting him for a week of fun. She left her chat with him open on her computer for anyone to see. All kinds of good stuff in there. So that's that. I found a local family law attorney with good reviews and Monday I'll set up an appointment. Time to move on. Thank you everyone for your help, I definitely did grow a lot and I'll make it through this.
Sorry man that you had to find out that way. Unfortunately these situations are so predictable and the only way to handle them is tough love. 95% of these situations ain’t worth saving and even if you do you have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life. Keep learning, keep growing and you will be fine!
It took a long time but I clearly see my exw was not worth fighting for after all.
You were right. I don't regret doing things the way that I did, and you may also have been right about me being able to turn things around back months ago, but now I'm glad I didn't because it was all lies. From the beginning. The EA was a PA before the BD even happened. She lied about that. She did break it off with him, but now they're back. She is taking a trip back down there and is supposed to be meeting him for a week of fun. She left her chat with him open on her computer for anyone to see. All kinds of good stuff in there. So that's that. I found a local family law attorney with good reviews and Monday I'll set up an appointment. Time to move on. Thank you everyone for your help, I definitely did grow a lot and I'll make it through this.
Sorry man that you had to find out that way. Unfortunately these situations are so predictable and the only way to handle them is tough love. 95% of these situations ain’t worth saving and even if you do you have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life. Keep learning, keep growing and you will be fine!
Yeah, this sh!t isn't worth saving. It'll just happen again later. She can't think of anything she did that would've pushed me away. LOL! Apparently I woke up one morning and decided to be emotionally unavailable. Just for kicks! She's giving me all the "it's complicated, I know in my heart of hearts he isn't the one for me" B.S. and I'm so done. "You've stalled me leaving, I was going to focus on us after I wrapped up this last class that is taking up my time, I can't trust you because you weren't there for me a year ago" etc. etc. etc. Like I said, I did what she wanted, it wasn't enough, so I'm f'in out.
All WW bs. Could you have been a better husband? Absolutely! Normal mature women do not solve marriage problems by joining dating websites. Hunker down in the family home until you can see lawyer and find out your rights. Just be prepared for the manipulation because it’s coming.
