Why has the forum come to a snail's pace?

[BL42]

My $0.02...

Dated Technology - The technology is dated which can turn off new users and provide a frustrating user experience for active posters:

• Website/Browser Rendering - The column on the site to read/post in is very narrow. This User Interface (UI) was clearly designed for older monitors (4:3) before the large/widescreen (16:9) monitors which most people user today, and makes the reading area small.
• Lack of Mobile App - Most people are used to using mobile apps on large smartphones which are tailored to the screen size and easier to use than a simple browser, but there is no smartphone app for this forum which I'm aware, and that makes it harder to use on the go.
• Outages - There have been outages when I've tried to reach the website or post. They're infrequent and short, but not a great look in today's day in age.

I wonder if the technology is too old, but then again I am old and things pass me by so quickly.

Maybe people don't use online forums anymore.

As far as getting new people to post - I do think UBB forums appear dated these days - been around since the 90s and the look/layout hasn't really changed a ton with the times. Someone browsing thru could likely see the layout of the board, and to be honest the look of divorcebusting.com, and move on elsewhere.

Personally, I'm more interested in the guidance and support by other posters rather than worrying about the dated technology. It's been a year since BD for me and I've been posting for 7 months now and the posters (vets and newbies) and board has helped me immensely. I plan to continue posting on my own thread and weigh in when possible. However...

Less Posting by Vets & Newcomers - There are times when posters don't get much response/advice from folks, and I think that can lead to less frequent posts on their sitches as well. For example, I put a lot of thought and prep into my post two weeks ago for the one year anniversary of BD. To me that was a significant milestone and I was looking forward to hearing peoples' perspectives, but didn't hear much back. Also, there are times people post updates and seek advice but don't hear anything for several days or a week. A common refrain on here is post and get responses first before acting but if you're in the heart of a sitch and want to respond to a spouses email or address a particular topic, it's not always feasible to wait so long. There are a few vets that post frequently but the board could use more than just the same few. For my part, even though I'm a relative newbie, I'll try to weigh in more. I know I always got a boost of PMA when I saw someone took the time to response and weigh in on my sitch and that in and of itself helped. I imagine the same is true for most folks out there.

My other concern or question is why some people who are in the thick of things in their sitch, go for days or weeks without posting anything on their thread. I'm not talking about the people who have been around here for a long time, and who want to help someone else. I mean actual newcomers who desperately need some guidance. I don't know how many times I've written a response on a newcomer's thread, and never hear another word back from them. I don't know if they even looked to see if anyone wrote to them, or if they checked and didn't like what was said. Also, and I won't call any by name, but we've stuck with certain people very diligently, while they were going through terrible times. Then, at what seems to be the most critical point .......they fell out of sight and we were left hanging. We never know what happens. Maybe I'm just silly, but when I invest time trying to help someone, I would like to know if they are okay, at the least. I mean, we're strangers but we share very private details of each other's lives and for the most part, I think we care what happens. That's why we stick around this place. I still worry about a few that I personally spent many days mentoring them as best I could, and suddenly at the most critical point.......they'd vanish.

I feel like the energy has shifted in the last couple years. There are not as many strong vets with solid and in-depth support. It’s often the same advice from the same posters. At times it reads confrontational and short-sighted. Sorry if that’s harsh of me, but it’s honestly what I think most days when I read a new thread. Also, Newcomers come and go much faster nowadays. I agree that it’s hard to invest the time and energy, for them to vanish and then be left wondering or perhaps worrying about them. I think this has also affected my motivation to invest in people. Another difference is that this site offers more direct strategy without immediate results and it’s counter intuitive (which could be perceived as challenging or not realistic) so I do think even tho we have good intentions, people are scared off by that. Maybe they are easily finding other sites where they are mostly encouraged and validated in their efforts? Often people will often turn towards what they want to hear, rather than what is best for them.

I try and read fairly often. I don’t always feel like I have the time or energy to put a lot in. Mostly it feels like I’m not helping much. I would rather develop a few strong relationships than keep rattling off the same advice. I think the best I can do personally is update my own sitch fairly regularly.

[SteveLW]

I think the discouragement related to feedback is a good one, BL. I do think for some reasons posters are drawn to certain sitches and not to others. I know for me I don't really understand the dynamics related to same-sex relationships. And I also have been less active in most WAH/WH sitches. But even within the broad categories, there seems to be a big differential in which sitches get lost of feedback and which do not. Obviously, I do not think it is a personal thing since none of us know each other personally.

I also have gotten the sense that when someone does try to step and and be a little more active, some posters have shamed them about it. Whether it is the frequency of their responses, or not liking the content of their feedback, or maybe just not liking the poster's world view. This is why I typically do not respond to other posters in a giving feedback to the OP of the thread. The poster is asking for feedback and perspective, not for two posters to debate the techniques and the responses being given. Most of the posters that come here looking for feedback can rightfully discern what is best for their situation. So even if two different responders give two very different takes on the OP's situation, the OP can take all of that with a grain of salt, and determine the best path forward for themselves. I do think over time the board has become a little more confrontational in that regard.

I am not MWD. I am not an expert, I don't pretend to be one. I am just a guy that has been through two sitches in my MR, and am willing to share learnings and experience from those sitches. I think it has has helped some, and others maybe not so much (as evidenced by a recent newcomer telling me to get lost!). But BL I try to help those that especially do not seem to be getting much response, if with nothing else some support and encouragement.

job, I do like your comments. I think maybe the 2x4s should be a little softer, maybe use a pool noodle instead of a 2x4! LOL I know in my case good, stiff 2x4s is exactly what I needed, but that is not everyone's cup of tea.

[AndrewP]

I was just reading an article about how the prediction that suicide rates would have spiked during the pandemic didn't play out.

There were similar warnings about spousal abuse - which I haven't seen any statistics on and I would imagine that data to be fairly unreliable through poor and under-reporting.

I would though imagine that infidelity rates - one of the main causes of people coming here - are down mainly because the opportunities to be unfaithful are greatly reduced. I used to spend 14 hours a day away from home working and my now ex only worked until early afternoon. Certainly lots of free, unsupervised time on her hands especially after the kids grew up.

The data though doesn't exist in a reliable enough form to really call it one way or another I would presume because there is little reporting of infidelity. I did find some numbers from Statistics Canada that indicate that the total number of divorced persons continues to be on trend currently at 2.71 million, up from 1.88 million 20 years ago. The rate of change started declining in 2011.

This is one of those places - I think Cadet says this - the best place that you never want to be. Going out of the failed relationship business would be fabulous - but will never happen. Other forums that I've participated in - at least as an impression - also seem to be having a downturn in new arrivals. Not that I've made a study of that.

So there may be larger factors at play though than can be isolated to this forum. Relationships - although we refer to "bomb-drop" as a sudden singular event, fail and end over a period of time. The statistics that would allow us to look back though won't be reliably available for at least a couple of years.

Just a thought.

[SteveLW]

Andrew, interesting observations. I just found out that a local gun range has had three incidents in the last year where guys have come in, rented a firearm, gone into the shooting lanes with it, loaded it and shot themselves. So while the suicide rate overall might not be up, stories like this one certainly are. We've also had several barricaded police incidents recently in the immediate area (not necessarily where I live, but close enough that it made the local news), and those usually start out as domestic violence.

I do think that the pandemic has probably had a "delaying" effect on a lot of MR in crisis. As you say, the opportunities for infidelity are down, and humans tend to be very opportunistic creatures. I remember when I worked in retail the loss prevention team would always tell us the important of being on the store floor, making rounds. Because they said that 15% of people will never steal, no matter what. 15% of people will always steal, no matter what. But 70% of people will steal IF they think they can get away with it. So having a presence of employees in the store would discourage that 70%. That has always stuck with me.

I say "delaying" because like you point out, there will always be MR problems. Many WASs are probably biding their time until things normalize. However, I would think the incidence of EAs is up right now.

[mako]

People have hit on it already, but for me the difference today from when I was here in 2007 is mainly the way I consume the internet. Back then it was pretty much only on the computer, which was fine for this site. Today the vast majority of my internet use when not at work is with a phone, and I'm sure this applies to a lot of people, especially those younger than 40. I think everyone would agree this site is sub-optimal on a phone, so it is just more cumbersome to visit than it used to be, as I am on my computer far less than I used to be. I can go for days without going on my computer but that wasn't the case in 2007. So I have to make more of an effort to come here, or else use the site in a way that is more difficult.

This is not a deal breaker for me, and probably not for most people, but I'm sure it keeps at least some people away some of the time. I know that I have looked at other people's threads much less than I did previously and this may contribute (but I also have a more busy job and 3 small kids I didn't have before, which probably contribute more).

I am curious about the idea above that the pandemic may have delayed some BDs. The opportunity for an A is certainly down, but I wonder how spouses being with each other much more has affected things. I can see the logic either way: for some, maybe familiarity breeds contempt if a spouse is thinking of leaving, and all of the flaws the potential WAS sees are exacerbated when you see the other all the time. But for some, especially if the main problem was that you never made time together, maybe more time together was helpful to remember the love you once had. I feel like we were a little more of the latter at the beginning but then became more of the former, but it's hard to say without her telling me her thoughts about that.

[Valeska19]

I'll keep it short but echo what many have sad about the tone as well as the poor website design.

When I came to the board - it was a well known fact that the percentage of success was small. Let's say 95% failure, 5% success.. but the board was driven to fanning the flames of the 5% of hope rather than beating us with the reality 2x4 of the 95%. That is the big different on the board that I see.

[Elbereth]

Hello, I'm a newbie and there are several things pointed out that I can comment on. Yes, the site feels very dated and the forum is not very easy to navigate, especially on a mobile device. Heck, I even have the page zoomed in on my laptop so I can see things better. As I am a creative type, this was a big turn off to me when I first logged in, but when I read more, I felt there was a lot of quality content here, so I joined in. In reading other peoples sitch's, I do feel there was more interaction and responses, and faster. I know that there are times when I wanted to get immediate advice, but once I saw no one was online, I just decided to wing it, rather than post and wait. There have been a few regulars on my feed, and I'm so grateful for their advice. And there is a lot to learn from others sitch's too.

As for the pandemic making it less easy for infidelity, that may be in physical ways, but it certainly didn't stop my H from having his EA, that still led to a PA. In fact, I would just guess there are a lot of EA's going on and people do not have any idea it's happening. I didn't find out until he decided he wanted a D and I kicked him out and he ran off to be with OW.

As for feedback, I know I have been guilty of being defensive or abrupt, but some of us are not as good with words as some, as well as I am in a lot of pain and confusion. Even if do not agree with feedback or respond a certain way now, doesn't mean that the feedback doesn't make me think, or doesn't mean something as I grow and change...so I appreciate all the feedback...good and bad, nice or firm, helpful or not. I'm very alone in my experience. Without this forum I'd be a much worse place. So as a newbie...thank you all for your efforts, and your advice, and for sticking around for us newbies way past the time you have too. I really appreciate it.

[wooba]

Personally, the main reason I don’t post as much anymore is that I’ve climbed out of the crisis.

But at the time this site was so central to my survival...not just getting advice from others but reading others’ stories as well. I honestly don’t even remember how I found the site!

2nd, it’s really difficult to do even a quick update on my phone. That goes with reading on my phone as well.

I think anonymity is key for a board like this, but I can see how some people would eventually want to connect further IRL. Can we start a FB group? Lol.

Vets who are still around and paying it forward are really saints. I wish I could do that more, but with work and raising three kids on my own, I just really don’t have the bandwidth I only have the bandwidth to come here and vent about my exH lol.

[Oceangl]

Personally, the main reason I don’t post as much anymore is that I’ve climbed out of the crisis.

But at the time this site was so central to my survival...not just getting advice from others but reading others’ stories as well. I honestly don’t even remember how I found the site!

2nd, it’s really difficult to do even a quick update on my phone. That goes with reading on my phone as well.

I think anonymity is key for a board like this, but I can see how some people would eventually want to connect further IRL. Can we start a FB group? Lol.

Vets who are still around and paying it forward are really saints. I wish I could do that more, but with work and raising three kids on my own, I just really don’t have the bandwidth I only have the bandwidth to come here and vent about my exH lol.

I have thought this so much.....I wonder if we could start an FB group somehow. And people who don't mind the lack of anonymity could join. There are so many people I would like to connect with IRL. Many of my fellow women on here I wish we could give a pep talk on the phone or go for a girls' weekend.

[may22]

I have thought this so much.....I wonder if we could start an FB group somehow. And people who don't mind the lack of anonymity could join. There are so many people I would like to connect with IRL. Many of my fellow women on here I wish we could give a pep talk on the phone or go for a girls' weekend.

Yes!! I have thought this so much! How do we get permission to do this?