Trying to heal from WW - part 2

[Traveler]

i got a bit angry and messaged saying that i know she isnt my property but we made a commitment to each other that was supposed to be for life. I also said that im grateful we never had kids because of how much more devastating this would have been. She then blocked me, i actually laughed when i saw that she had.

Hi Ace,

It's understandable to feel betrayed that she broke her vows to you last year by telling you she was done trying, could do anything she wanted, and then moved out with the intent to file for divorce. Being angry makes sense. Wanting to move on, or stand, makes sense. Sending your ex-wife angry messages, though, doesn't help your cause. It's a double whammy, a bad experience, and an indicator light you're still available as a backup plan. You don't want her to feel she needs to block you to be safe from snooping and angry words, because you are snooping and sending angry words. You probably know all this already, lol, and know many here have done the same or worse. Chin up. This stuff is hard as heck to deal with.

[Ace_32]

Thing is when she moved out that isnt what she said her intent was, before she left we had a great weekend together and spoke about how we would try date basically and see how things go. Agreed that she broke her vows a long time ago, she told me a few months before she left that she was done trying so maybe i had a few mini BD's i didnt pick up on. After she left she started changing and getting more and more cold and mean towards me as time went by. I didnt trust what she was saying about wanting to date on that wknd and asked her if she is sure thats what she wants, and she said it was. She also said its unfair how amazing i was with her those last few days because thats all she ever wanted. I know now that it was all lies or she wanted a last memory or for it to be easier to leave with a backup plan while she sees how things went in her new life, i honestly dont know.

The anger side has been quite rare for me in my sitch to be honest, the fact that she wont just admit it really makes me angry tho. What motive does she have to not admit it, it makes no sense to me. She just says that he is her best friend now and i can think what i want. I wouldnt say my messages were very mean but i get what you are saying. My opinion is that she blocked me because she doesnt like what i am saying, i dont bomb her with messages all the time. I just wanted her to admit it, i havent asked her about OM in 2 months but i guess thats because there were no more signs until now.

Haha yeah i know, its difficult not to act on emotion when things happen. Thanks for the encouragement

[LH19]

So Ace it’s good to come to the forum and read the board and the advice of the people who have been through it. What’s bad is when you don’t follow the advice. What I’m seeing right now is 3 or 4 left behind husbands making tons of mistakes and then coming to the board and seeing everyone else making mistakes so it comforts them. They think yeah I’m screwing up but so is “so and so”.

Quite frankly in 6 years here I don’t think I’ve seen so many bad dbers. Just sticking to Sandis rules seems impossible for the current dbers. This also explains why we haven’t had a success story in a really long time.

I know that it’s hard because I’ve been through it but I feel most LBS aren’t even trying to follow advice.

[Ace_32]

You are absolutely right, i dont follow the advice properly especially when my emotions get involved and i know i am constantly messing things up worse. I understand you get clarity down the line, but i haven't experienced anything like this in my life before and i am completely lost and i struggle to let things go and move on. I know everyone is and they do a better job than i have, will try be better going forward.

[Traveler]

Ace, we all get urges. The trick is to pause, write it down, and reflect on it before acting. The goal isn't to act in-line with what LH19 says or CW says, of course. It's to act in-line with your goals and values. Very few interactions or decisions must be made on-the-spot. You can almost always say, "I need time to consider it." This improves the quality of decisions. They still won't be perfect. We can only do our best.

E.g., a newly single acquaintance on my Facebook feed posted photos of her new hairdo yesterday. She asked me out years ago. Immediate urge--ask her out on a date. She's entering the "I want to look good" phase which usually means she's ready or close to ready to date and I'd probably be the first to ask her out. Reflection--no, I'm not dating now, and she doesn't match all the values I'm seeking anyway. When I date, it's okay if it takes awhile. My life is good solo and I only accept great matches.

[OnlyBent]

Ace, read the story of the frog and the scorpion. I won’t retell it but the scorpion does what it does because it is what it is. Don’t keep putting yourself in the position to be bitten. I learnt the hard way. My STBXW does not want me in her life and doesn’t care about me. She is incapable of honesty. That’s just who she is now. Gotta accept reality my friend.

[Ace_32]

Thanks guys. CW i get what you are saying about pausing and thinking, im not great at controlling my emotions in the moment. When something triggers me i tend to lose my senses a bit and I'll do something even if i know at the time it isnt the right thing, working on it.

OB, i read the story and it is something i have heard before and i get it. Fair enough, i feel like im in exactly the same position as you. Cant trust them as the people we used to know (or think we knew, i definitely believe my W lied and hid alot of herself in the beginning of the relationship) and i didnt let myself believe the bad that came later was really her. The thing is alot of stories i heard of how she was before she met me started making sense later on.

Quick update my side, pretty much come to the realisation how small my odds of fixing this were (even before all the mistakes i have made in the last 6 months). Obviously the mistakes haven't helped the situation but thats the past now and need to forgive myself and move forward, just like the mistakes in the M. Found out my dad has a surf board in his storage room, so going to give that a go again on saturday. Also going to borrow a guitar and start playing again for the 1st time in about 10 years. Been going to Youth Connect at my new church every week for 3 weeks now. Slacking a bit on the gym and reading, fell into a bit of a bad place for the last 2 weeks but started pulling myself out of it again yesterday. One step at a time.

[OnlyBent]

Thanks guys. CW i get what you are saying about pausing and thinking, im not great at controlling my emotions in the moment. When something triggers me i tend to lose my senses a bit and I'll do something even if i know at the time it isn't the right thing, working on it.

I was a bit like this Ace, but I have improved dramatically, you can do it.

Obviously the mistakes haven't helped the situation but that's the past now and need to forgive myself and move forward, just like the mistakes in the M.

Exactly Ace, you can't change the past, but you can be better going forward. Fall off the horse, all you can do is get back on.

Found out my dad has a surf board in his storage room, so going to give that a go again on Saturday. Also going to borrow a guitar and start playing again for the 1st time in about 10 years. Been going to Youth Connect at my new church every week for 3 weeks now. Slacking a bit on the gym and reading, fell into a bit of a bad place for the last 2 weeks but started pulling myself out of it again yesterday. One step at a time.

Surfing sounds great, good luck with it. Being SA, stay away from the sharks! Its OK to fall into a bad place Ace, just don't do anything that will make you feel worse. Feel the negative emotion, work through it. Its OK, we've all been there, its a part of this. IF you can get through those bad periods without doing anything you'll regret or will make you feel worse than I reckon that's a win.

[sandi2]

After she left she started changing and getting more and more cold and mean towards me as time went by.

That usually happens when the WW has a private agenda.

I didnt trust what she was saying about wanting to date on that wknd and asked her if she is sure thats what she wants, and she said it was.

I think she meant dating other guys, but use what I say as a teachable moment. Do not date your WW if she is dating anyone else. You are not competing with other guys to date her. The only way you should consider ever dating her, is if she shows the right kind of improvement and wants to date each other as way of working toward reconciliation. Don't ever date her just to see how it goes.

She also said its unfair how amazing i was with her those last few days because thats all she ever wanted. I know now that it was all lies or she wanted a last memory or for it to be easier to leave with a backup plan while she sees how things went in her new life, i honestly dont know.

Look at her statement again, Ace. She's not complementing you. She's talking about herself. She's talking about how unfair it is for her, that you decided to wait until now to change. Guess what? Her words come straight from the WW playbook. WW's are eat up with self-centeredness. "It's not fair!" Priceless, don't you think? In the meantime, she's going out there and date OM to see how it goes. If it doesn't go like she wants, then she'll come back to you.

The anger side has been quite rare for me in my sitch to be honest, the fact that she wont just admit it really makes me angry tho. What motive does she have to not admit it, it makes no sense to me.

Since when does the WW make sense to the logical male brain?

My opinion is that she blocked me because she doesnt like what i am saying, i dont bomb her with messages all the time. I just wanted her to admit it, i havent asked her about OM in 2 months but i guess thats because there were no more signs until now.

Stop bombing her with messages at any time! Can you not see how that is pursuit? You are pressuring her to admit something. Why lower yourself to that level? Her admission would change nothing.

Thanks guys. CW i get what you are saying about pausing and thinking, im not great at controlling my emotions in the moment. When something triggers me i tend to lose my senses a bit and I'll do something even if i know at the time it isnt the right thing, working on it.

Okay, you are working on it. How? What technique do you use to control your emotions in the moment? If you tend to lose your senses a bit when triggered, then you need some method to apply.

Cant trust them as the people we used to know (or think we knew, i definitely believe my W lied and hid alot of herself in the beginning of the relationship) and i didnt let myself believe the bad that came later was really her. The thing is alot of stories i heard of how she was before she met me started making sense later on.

I can't imagine the shock it must be to have such a thing revealed about your spouse. Look, I've personally been acquainted with a few women who completely snowed the guy before marriage. Some women are terrific actors!

Found out my dad has a surf board in his storage room, so going to give that a go again on saturday. Also going to borrow a guitar and start playing again for the 1st time in about 10 years. Been going to Youth Connect at my new church every week for 3 weeks now. Slacking a bit on the gym and reading, fell into a bit of a bad place for the last 2 weeks but started pulling myself out of it again yesterday. One step at a time.

Well, you go!

[Ace_32]

Hey Sandi, thanks for stopping by its good to hear from you again. I hope you are well.

She probably did have an agenda but i had no idea what. I dont think anything started before BD but i might be wrong. Dont think she meant dating other guys, we both said we dont want to see anyone else and we would stay together and try long distance but as dating. It was stupid of me to agree, was trying to cling to any hope i could get at that stage but i realise now it was all lies. A few months after i asked her what happened to us dating like we agreed and she said she basically changed her mind because she was too hurt.

It makes sense, i can see now that now that she was just thinking about herself. She basically said a few times around the time she left how she just wants to be selfish and think about herself, started a few months before actually. She became very selfish near the end and didnt want to try work on anything, basically said its my turn and i was fighting a losing battle.

I can see that it is pursuit and you are right that it wont really change anything if she admitted it. If she did tell me the truth it would be one less lie i guess. Im just so sick of being gaslighted by this woman, she always made me think i was crazy for how i felt or what i suspected.

I have started listening to christian meditation podcasts as well and trying to pray when i get triggered to try calm myself down. CWarrior had some good advice in his post to me a few days ago about pausing, writing it down and reflecting before acting. I will start trying to do that when i get triggered again.

It was quite a shock, she also lied to me about how many sexual partners she had before me when she admitted to cheating years ago before we were married. My whole perspective started changing and thats when i became jealous and more controlling because i felt like i didnt know who she was or how much else she has lied about.

I blocked her on social media and messenger services now as well, it helps prevent me from snooping and i also dont want to hear anything from her again once she decides to unblock me. She can contact me via email if there is anything urgent.