Trying to heal from WW - part 2

[sandi2]

I blocked her on social media and messenger services now as well, it helps prevent me from snooping and i also dont want to hear anything from her again once she decides to unblock me.

Good! Don't be surprised if she contacts you about it, saying it's childish, or the two of you are better than that.....whatever. You have to do what's best for you now.

[Ace_32]

She blocked me first but i get it that it can be seen as childish,that isnt my intention though i am just trying to protect myself from getting triggered. Dont think i mentioned this but she deactivated her facebook account for a few months at a time since BD and then she started a whole new profile and deleted the old one, dont know if its because she didnt want to see memories or reminders of our lives together or its just to move on and erase the past. She also started a new profile about a year before i met her, her first profile wasnt deleted. I see now how this is a major red flag

[LH19]

She probably did have an agenda but i had no idea what. I don't think anything started before BD but i might be wrong.

I would bet my savings you were wrong.

Don't think she meant dating other guys, we both said we don't want to see anyone else and we would stay together and try long distance but as dating.

If I had a nickel for every time I read this statement on here I would be retired. People separate to sleep with other people. Plain and simple.

It was stupid of me to agree, was trying to cling to any hope i could get at that stage but i realise now it was all lies.

Yep.

A few months after i asked her what happened to us dating like we agreed and she said she basically changed her mind because she was too hurt.

Standard WW BS.

It makes sense, i can see now that now that she was just thinking about herself.

Your W is really young to be this selfish. She is not a very good person.

She basically said a few times around the time she left how she just wants to be selfish and think about herself, started a few months before actually.

See my comments above.

She became very selfish near the end and didn't want to try work on anything, basically said its my turn and i was fighting a losing battle.

For once she was being honest with you.

I can see that it is pursuit and you are right that it wont really change anything if she admitted it. If she did tell me the truth it would be one less lie i guess. I'm just so sick of being gaslighted by this woman, she always made me think i was crazy for how i felt or what i suspected.

So now you know. What has this changed in your mind? You still love and want to work it out? Do you think she is capable of change? What would be different?

It was quite a shock, she also lied to me about how many sexual partners she had before me when she admitted to cheating years ago before we were married.

So Ace this is where your beliefs and values come into play. Do you want to be with a trampy liar?

My whole perspective started changing and that's when i became jealous and more controlling because i felt like i didn't know who she was or how much else she has lied about.

Ok so she lies and you become more jealous and controlling. Do you see the flaw here?

99.9% of the suffering on this board is because the LBS is in love with the fantasy of the person they want their WS to be and are not capable of being right now.

[SteveLW]

Ace, sandi and LH nailed it.

Remember rule NUMERO UNO when dealing with a WW: BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS!!!

[OnlyBent]

99.9% of the suffering on this board is because the LBS is in love with the fantasy of the person they want their WS to be and are not capable of being right now.

LH is wise Ace

[Ace_32]

Hi LH, thanks for your detailed response. In response to your questions i honestly dont know what i want anymore, i dont want someone who has hurt me so much and that i dont know if i will ever be able to trust her again. I am confused because i do still love her and care for her but dont want to be with someone who is so selfish and doesnt have the same values or morals as i do. I believe anyone is capable of change if they really want to and work on it, she is unlikely to change anytime soon though. Like all you guys here say it will probably be years before she comes to the point of realising what she has done, or she possibly never will.

Yes i do see the flaw in my thinking but that was a natural reaction for me at the time to regain some sense of control when my whole perspective on the person i loved was shaken to its core. I do see that it was counterproductive, you cant control a person and after all that happened i tried to control her to protect myself from being cheated on again i think but that obviously didnt work out. Its self preservation i guess but you cant constantly feel like you need to worry about someone cheating on you, it is so stressful and draining. A relationship without trust can never work.

The fantasy i can relate to, LBS tend to remember the good times and WW the bad times only it seems. I build an image of all the good things and make the WW into this amazing person in my mind and forget the flaws and think about it as a loss instead of looking at the positives of this person being removed from my life to make space for better things. The mind is a crazy thing.

[Ace_32]

Sorry OnlyBent, seems i forgot to respond to your message the other day. Thanks for the encouragement, it doesn't matter how many times i get knocked down, as long as i keep getting back up again and at least try to learn a small lesson everytime.

Yeah im definitely scared of sharks haha, not much i can do if one decides i look like a tasty lunch but wont let that stop me. You guys in Aus have alot more than sharks to worry about when you go swimming i n the ocean from what I've read? I agree that you cant suppress the emotions and they need to be worked through eventually. Small things like songs that remind me of her are starting to bother me a little less everytime so i see that as progress, no matter how small its something.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Ace,

I have not been following your thread, but it caught my eye today. Would you mind sharing what behaviors you have changes since you found this site? What are your goals and how are you actively moving toward them?

Not really looking for the answers, but more of a thought exercise for you.

regards,

R2C

[Ace_32]

Hi R2C, thanks for stopping by.

If im being honest i haven't done enough. The site made me feel like im not alone and helped me a bit, but im a very stubborn person and i tend to learn through my own experiences only instead of people advising me. Dont get me wrong, i try to listen to advise of family and friends and everyone on this board, but i think i let my emotions take over sometimes. Its just incomprehensible for me to think of WW the way i should but i am getting there slowly.

The board helped me to go no contact for a month and a half but i crashed a bit when WW called me crying and telling me she misses me, etc. I thought i was detached but i wasnt.

My goals are a bit unclear at the moment, i am not exactly where i want to be in my career right now but im just trying to survive and get my confidence back. I dont know where i belong anymore, im in a small coastal toen now where my dad stays but i qualified as a chartered accountant last year and the world is literally there for the taking but i am scared. I want to gym more and start some hobbies again (like playing guitar, surfing, and maybe joining a soccer league) and just figure out where i want to be.

[sandi2]

Ace, these last few posts where you speak about yourself is telling you need time & space just for the purpose of finding who you are and who you want to be. Good for you in speaking honestly about these personal issues.

((hugs))