WOw, Mr. B nailed it. Steve_, remember it was exactly a month ago that you came to the board saying you were done because of the events around Valentine's Day. Yet here you are a month later making romantic dinner plans with/for her?!?!
Yeah....that ain't done.
Forget her. Focus on your kids. When she has the kids focus on you.
And you need to simplify child exchanges. You going into the house, you popping your head into her room, all of that could work for a properly detached, father-focused, "I don't give a crap about her or what she is doing" LBH. You are none of those things.
Another update and no mention of IC. Still going? And if you are, it is time to assess if it is the right one. You need intensive and focused codependency counseling. And spare me the "I can't afford it" excuses, you just bought a truck!
Last edited by SteveLW; 03/15/2101:31 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
..and a $100 bottle of wine! I can’t afford to drink at that price point, although I’ve never found a date unhappy with my old world vine selections or a blanco de blanc champagne for $30-$40.
You’re not being honest with us or yourself. You aren’t done. You’re not even close. You are unfortunately a broken record. You’re done til she shows you a little affection. You have absolutely zero self esteem or self respect and you know it, we know it, your friends know it, your in laws know it, your family knows it, your W knows it and worst of all your kids know it.
You have done absolutely nothing but show your kids time and time and time and time and time again this behavior is acceptable and forgivable at the drop of a hat.
Truth be told, I don’t think you really care if she cheats on you as long as she doesn’t show boat about it and comes home to you.
You take one step forward, show some hope, and than turn around and just blow it all up. It’s...exhausting to read I can’t imagine living like you.
You aren’t in IC, that’s fairly obvious.
Detaching is very hard when you are trying. You are not trying so it’s impossible.
Stop going to the in-laws. If your mil wants to cut hair than have her come to your place. Do pick up and drop offs in public. You’ve been told this time and time and time again yet never listen.
You really need to sit down and be honest with us. What exactly do you want from this forum?
You say you focus on your kids but are broke and can’t do things with them and than turn around and spend $100 on one bottle of wine....wow.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You’re not being a good father. You’re allowing them to see and participate in full fledge mental and emotional abuse without a care in the world.
You can continue to ignore us all and do it your way, it won’t lead to anything but misery and pain, but hey it’s your life.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Oh how we all want to help you! We aren't just sitting here to pick out your faults and throw them in your face. We are trying to shine the light on the parts that make you stumble and fall. You know when you've backslid, but you are so addicted to her, you seem to have zero will power. So, we're here trying to tell you how to avoid some pitfalls, and how to overcome some temptations.
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WW indicated in some small way she was open to being more than friends and became warm and fuzzy, very touchy and so on when I stopped by Monday to get the title for my truck from FIL (I bought FIL's old truck from him).
This is all a game she plays. She works you like putty in her hand. If you don't respond to one way, she'll try another way to get to you. You know this is true, based on things you'll say after the fact. When she says she misses you, she's really saying she is bored at the moment. Bear that in mind next time, or would it not matter to you?
My concern about you is that you are ready & willing to take her back in a twinkling of an eye, in spite of knowing she is not being authentic or consistent in her words and behaviors. It seems all you do is think about "getting her back", and to blazes with the consequences! When you say she will have to change, you are playing games with us.....and maybe yourself. Why do I say this? B/c of your repeated actions of breaking your neck to get to her whenever she crooks her finger.
BTW, how is therapy coming?
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Anyways she told me she missed me and that we should hang out. So I figured wth, I got nothing to lose,
You have nothing to lose. Seriously???? You can't think of anything negative that might come from a night of dining and wining her? This is why I said in my previous post that you are just as guilty at playing games as she is. You are ready to throw away any ground you may have gained, and let her destroy you even more. Every time you do this, it sends you back to square one. You have to start all over with detaching, etc.
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(I knew there would be an excuse, a change of plans, a something in advance).
Then explain to me why you did it? You don't have to explain her to me, but what does it say about you as a man?
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Aint said a word since yesterday.
When you can go the first four weeks straight, without a peep with her, then brag about NC, okay? Four weeks is just a start. Here' something I want you to understand. This business of going NC for a day here, or a day there means nothing more than you stewing in anger. When the anger passes, then you're ready to talk to her again. You're doing nothing but playing the silent game with her. Get serious and stop playing games.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah. I knew I had 2x4’s coming. I expected them. I deserved them. I was not being honest mostly with myself. I absolutely continued to try to nice her back. It was actually because the reason she said she loved me is because I was so “nice to her” well.. yeah didn’t get me far. As far as the finances go I did go a bit out of my way to impress WW. But Regsrdless of what you may think I do much more for my kids. The last two days I took them to a dinosaur event, to the lake fishing and today I pulled out our old Traxxas RC trucks fixed them and showed my son how to drive them. They had a blast. I was financially hurting when I first separated, now I’m not as much. Far as the truck goes, I had been paying on it and just paid it off. It’s a 2011, not new. I know it seems like I am playing games with you guys, not hearing you, not understand you and that is not the case. I am a simple guy who was really dedicated to my marriage and family. I suppose I thought I could out-love this whole crazy life she has going on. I cant, I know. Gods honest truth is I haven’t said jack squat since she didn’t show up on Friday. I know sandi that isn’t much, and yes it was anger for the first 2-3 days. Now it’s just disappointment, and not even In her, I know her she wasn’t ever going to come and fulfill my fantasy of wonderful reconciliation. I’m disappointed in myself for even giving in to my fantasy.
It seems her and I are similar, she is off living a fantasy life where there are no consequences for destroying your family, because I allow that. And I am doing the same thing destroying my kids by doing nothing to stop myself from coming undone.
It seems so far the Only things I do correct are work my shifts, take care of my patients and try to keep my kids happy but disciplined as well. As far as being a man other than that I have been failing hard. It’s due to a fear of loss. I have been doing IC but it’s very neutral. I am going to stop doing it, the therapist is very “go with the flow, what makes you happy” actually supported the dinner idea. Yeah I see how bad that was now. Not every therapist is created equal and certainly I didn’t listen to you all. I’ll admit I didn’t post here before because I knew you guys would say no. I had some hope she would see what everyone else seems to see but she won’t. Her fog is thick. And apparently so is mine.
I have spent the last 5 days since my major backslide talking to friends, spending time with the kids, and working on nee diet foods. I actually have tried to distract myself as much as I humanly can. My friends at work shake their head when I tell them what I’ve done. I get it, I F’d up. And Until I grow the balls to walk away from this dumpster fire I’ll stay part of the burning trash. It is hard to cut out someone you love so much and I know 5 days isn’t squat but for me it’s actually been the longest period since BD I haven’t attempted any games to nice her or anything. I’m starting to feel like this is getting real, it’s happening, and I don’t want to fight it anymore. At this point I am exhausted of screwing up and I just want to do nothing. I think about my M a lot, I am depressed yes, but for once, I actually stopped believing there is anything In this world I can do to change this.
I’ll save an update until I’ve gone 2 weeks with no unnecessary contact, no attempts to nice her. Actual progress, I do not want to keep posting up a journal of failure for y’all to keep reading and being disappointed. I will have 2 good weeks, I am almost 1/2 there. Then I will post it. And go from there. Time to just rip the band aid off. Tried everything else at this point. Wish me luck.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
It’s very difficult. I hope you stick to your guns this time. It will get easier in time.
Don’t give up and I really hope you don’t go 2 weeks without updating. You don’t need some earth shattering thing to tell us. Tell us what you did with your day. Tell us more about what you did with your kids. Be more detailed with those activities. Don’t gloss over them and don’t stop posting.
Tell us what you are looking for in a therapist.
Just journaling what you did with your day when you start to think of her will help take the focus off her and keep it on yourself and kids. And stop hiding stuff because you don’t wanna hear it.
You’d be surprised how often spouses wanna come back when you become calm cool collected and detached. It’s just you’d be surprised how often the LBS just doesn’t wanna go back to the marriage anymore because of how happy they’ve become.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I have been doing IC but it’s very neutral. I am going to stop doing it, the therapist is very “go with the flow, what makes you happy” actually supported the dinner idea. Yeah I see how bad that was now. Not every therapist is created equal and certainly I didn’t listen to you all. I’ll admit I didn’t post here before because I knew you guys would say no. I had some hope she would see what everyone else seems to see but she won’t. Her fog is thick. And apparently so is mine.
Independent counseling is what you need at this time. Marriage counseling or couples counseling would not help right now. If the current IC actually went with the wine & dine idea.......find another IC. You need help/guidance in how to work on your fear. There's not much you can do to work on the MR until you fix the inside of Steve.
When you know 2x4's are coming........do you block them out? I'm glad you at least admitted you didn't post first b/c you knew we'd say no. Yet, you went with the wine & dine fantasy anyway. I find it interesting how you call it a fantasy. That's how most WW's get involved with someone outside the M. Some women can even have an EA with a fictional character. If you recognize it was more fantasy than reality to have the date with your WW, then think about how you will handle it the next time. Have a plan, Steve. Don't fly by the seat of your pants. We've been telling you for months that she is not going to wake up or come to her senses over night. With whatever extra mental issues that plaque her, it will take more time and she will need to be under a doctor's care, IMHO. At the very least, she needs to get a diagnosis, but that won't be enough if she doesn't treat the problem.
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I suppose I thought I could out-love this whole crazy life she has going on. I cant, I know. Gods honest truth is I haven’t said jack squat since she didn’t show up on Friday. I know sandi that isn’t much, and yes it was anger for the first 2-3 days.
To "out love" sounds like something that might be said in a church group setting, and some people have the ability to quietly sit on the sidelines, waiting for a long time, trying to out love their spouse's waywardness. Here's the thing, Steve. Her waywardness and whatever else is going on with her has nothing to do with your ability to love her more or love her longer than her waywardness & mental/emotional issues. Even if it were, you would still need to back off, give her space, go NC, GAL, 180, etc., etc. You'd still be separated, and if not.......then you are still at her mercy. That's how you look to me. Completely at her mercy to twist you up & over & around again.
Let me ask you something. If you can't out love it, what do you have left? What is the one thing I preach to you H's who have a WW? RESPECT! Respect yourself. Start there, and forget about dating her, playing cards with her at the in-laws, sneaking in a chat here & there. She will know immediately when you truly start respecting yourself.
Don't say anything to her about your respect, or how you plan to show self respect, etc. I get so sick of LBH's taking what we tell them to do and they run tell their WW. Sorry, but telling her has no effect. She has to see it in action!
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It is hard to cut out someone you love so much and I know 5 days isn’t squat but for me it’s actually been the longest period since BD
You drown out the positive words of hope these other men have been telling you, by staying focused on how difficult it is, and how much you love her, yada, yada, yada. Okay, it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do. You don't want to do it. We get it. But just as we have to teach our children how they will encounter hard things to do in life, they must focus on what's the "right thing to do". How do you, Steve, determine what is the right thing to do in other situations?
I’ll save an update until I’ve gone 2 weeks with no unnecessary contact, no attempts to nice her.
Do you remember my recent thread where I asked people not to wait until they had an "update" to post? This board is going to die out if people stop posting. Do you see Cadet posting updates in his life, or Another Stander, or me? You are missing the point. Talk about something else. Talk about what you are reading, or working on. At least post on other threads of newcomers. You can certainly identify with them, and warn them of things that wasn't successful for you. Reading other threads can sometime help you see your own sitch more clearly.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah. I knew I had 2x4’s coming. I expected them. I deserved them. I was not being honest mostly with myself. I absolutely continued to try to nice her back. It was actually because the reason she said she loved me is because I was so “nice to her” well.. yeah didn’t get me far. As far as the finances go I did go a bit out of my way to impress WW. But Regsrdless of what you may think I do much more for my kids. The last two days I took them to a dinosaur event, to the lake fishing and today I pulled out our old Traxxas RC trucks fixed them and showed my son how to drive them. They had a blast. I was financially hurting when I first separated, now I’m not as much. Far as the truck goes, I had been paying on it and just paid it off. It’s a 2011, not new. I know it seems like I am playing games with you guys, not hearing you, not understand you and that is not the case. I am a simple guy who was really dedicated to my marriage and family. I suppose I thought I could out-love this whole crazy life she has going on. I cant, I know. Gods honest truth is I haven’t said jack squat since she didn’t show up on Friday. I know sandi that isn’t much, and yes it was anger for the first 2-3 days. Now it’s just disappointment, and not even In her, I know her she wasn’t ever going to come and fulfill my fantasy of wonderful reconciliation. I’m disappointed in myself for even giving in to my fantasy.
It seems her and I are similar, she is off living a fantasy life where there are no consequences for destroying your family, because I allow that. And I am doing the same thing destroying my kids by doing nothing to stop myself from coming undone.
It seems so far the Only things I do correct are work my shifts, take care of my patients and try to keep my kids happy but disciplined as well. As far as being a man other than that I have been failing hard. It’s due to a fear of loss. I have been doing IC but it’s very neutral. I am going to stop doing it, the therapist is very “go with the flow, what makes you happy” actually supported the dinner idea. Yeah I see how bad that was now. Not every therapist is created equal and certainly I didn’t listen to you all. I’ll admit I didn’t post here before because I knew you guys would say no. I had some hope she would see what everyone else seems to see but she won’t. Her fog is thick. And apparently so is mine.
I have spent the last 5 days since my major backslide talking to friends, spending time with the kids, and working on nee diet foods. I actually have tried to distract myself as much as I humanly can. My friends at work shake their head when I tell them what I’ve done. I get it, I F’d up. And Until I grow the balls to walk away from this dumpster fire I’ll stay part of the burning trash. It is hard to cut out someone you love so much and I know 5 days isn’t squat but for me it’s actually been the longest period since BD I haven’t attempted any games to nice her or anything. I’m starting to feel like this is getting real, it’s happening, and I don’t want to fight it anymore. At this point I am exhausted of screwing up and I just want to do nothing. I think about my M a lot, I am depressed yes, but for once, I actually stopped believing there is anything In this world I can do to change this.
I’ll save an update until I’ve gone 2 weeks with no unnecessary contact, no attempts to nice her. Actual progress, I do not want to keep posting up a journal of failure for y’all to keep reading and being disappointed. I will have 2 good weeks, I am almost 1/2 there. Then I will post it. And go from there. Time to just rip the band aid off. Tried everything else at this point. Wish me luck.
Steve_ one of the reasons I still post here is because I truly feel for the LBS going through these situations. Most of them were decent human-beings, though flawed, going about their daily lives thinking they were with someone that loved and cared about them as much as they did. I see very few LBSs here that were as terrible of a spouse as I was. I feel that I got what I deserved in both of my past sitches, and actually not even close to what I really deserved. Most Ws would have left a husband like me for good and not looked back. So when I see LBSs like you that were doing 90% of the right things, and just have a terrible spouse they've chosen, I feel for them. I want to help them. I want them to look ahead to an awesome life and go live it.
So the only disappointment I have is that you allow yourself to keep getting kicked where it counts. You are a good guy, doing what you thought was best for you, your kids, and your MR. The problem is not you Steve_, and this is what we all have been trying to show you. You could become the greatest catch in the history of men, and this women is incapable of being a faithful, loving spouse for you. Your love and desire to do good blinds you to that fact. Because you are a good guy and she takes advantage of that.
It reminds me of a good friend of mine I grew up with. In the 90s he met this beautiful, younger woman. She was 19 I believe, and she looked like Leeza Gibbons. He was head over heels for her. He was gainfully employed, making really good money, and he won her over by spoiling her. When I was around them I got the impression it was a very one-sided relationship. She liked the attention, the money, the cars, the house. I had a bad feeling my friend was in for future heartbreak, and sure enough a few months in she broke up with him. He was devastated. 4 weeks into the breakup she called him to tell him that she was 6 weeks pregnant. My friend was thrilled. They were getting back together to raise the baby. I tried to talk some sense into him, that he could coparent to raise the baby with her without being with her. But his mind was made up, and they got engaged.
I went to the wedding. Here was the 20 year-old girl, and this 25 year-old man. He was very serious and wanted to commit his life to this girl. The girl? She was giggling, outright laughing, through the whole ceremony. It was as if it were all a big joke to her. It lasted less than 2 years. He found out she was talking to other guys, he blew up and got physical with her (a side of him I had never seen). When her dad came over to protect her, my friend beat her dad up (he was one of the physically toughest guys I ever knew). She left and never came back. They coparented, he ended up getting every other weekend with his daughter. We remained fairly close for a few more years after, but he never recovered, was sad, and I knew that he would take her back in a heartbeat, even though she ended up remarrying.
I think about stories like that when I see situations like yours. I wonder if you were honest with yourself how serious she ever really was about your marriage and your family. Or was she just a girl playing house, but wanting to live her own life too?
Steve_, please do not give up on IC altogether. Find another IC that is better suited, one that can help with codependency issues. And please keep posting here. We are here for you. Yes you get 2x4s, but it isn't all 2x4s! We want to support you and help into the next chapter of your life!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have been failing hard. It’s due to a fear of loss.
I’m starting to feel like this is getting real, it’s happening, and I don’t want to fight it anymore.
These 2 lines in your last post stuck out to me...
1) There should be no fear of loss when it comes to her, Steve. You have nothing to lose. She's gone. It's over. The fear of loss you should be worrying about is the loss of your children's respect...
2) That's because it is real, Steve. It is happening. She's gone. It's over. There is nothing left to fight for except your self respect and dignity...
Bootstraps, my man. You gotta pick yourself up and go. Wallowing around in it isn't doing you any good. PMA and GAL. It's time to be the man you were meant to be and salvage this $hitshow so you and your kids can have a happy future. WW ain't a part of it. So get that nonsense out of your mind and move forward...
Don't stop posting. Come here everyday and share something with us. Your track record shows you really screw up when you go AWOL for several days. If you think about reaching out to her, come here instead. She reaches out to you, you come here before you even consider responding. You can do this, but you need to do better. And we all know you can...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
