I took notes from all the books I read. I re-read the notes, not the books. Kinda like the quotes thread. I read threads once, but if something catches my eye, I grab that and put it in my thread so I can re-read them over time.
The key is continually changing(improving) your behavior. Be more attractive every day with the wisdom you acquire.
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So this is interesting, to me at least; my wife is supposed to get my son on his birthday, but it is my day. So she posited that we all go to dinner to a special restaurant together as opposed to her just taking him.
Sounds like you have agreed to "Alternating Birthdays" as an exception to the normal parenting plan and this is her year. If this is true, you don't go. Plain and simple. You celebrate the birthday on a different day during your parenting time. The kids have two birthday celebrations. One with Mom. One with DAD.
H:"W, I have thought about your proposal and I believe it is best if you and S celebrate without me. I have plans to celebrate with him on Saturday(or whatever)."
Less words always has more effect. Use the least amount to get your point across. There are times when being vague are effective.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I appreciate the advise, but its tough. Being invited to hang out with my kids and saying no is tough. Not to mention, when it comes up I'm betting she will tell the kids "I invited your father but he didn't want to come." ------------------- I had an interesting moment in mediation yesterday. Recognize that we first had a 3 hour call for her attorney to ask me questions about my business to put a value on it. Then yesterday we had a 2.5 hour call. Recognize that every hour costs about $1200.
At the end of the second call, we had literally gotten no closer to the actual valuation. My attorney, myself, the mediator, and her attorney were discussing the value and whether or not STBXW would accept the value that I had placed on the business. I'm watching this happen and losing my mind because we are all talking about my STBXW and she is in the virtual meeting.
So finally I say to everyone, "STBXW is on the call, why don't we just ask her?" Then her attorney said "I haven't had a chance to talk with her yet" and again I said, "yes, but we can just ask her, she is in the meeting?"
Then her attorney went off on me and said I could direct my comments to her. It was insane. On each of these calls I am peppered with questions. I couldn't believe it. --------------------- So after the call I spoke with my attorney who relayed to me that her attorney had complained that I was pressuring STBXW to settle. I referenced in earlier posts my email correspondence with STBXW. I guess my STBXW wants me to stop - but she had asked for my numbers and what I thought it should look like. And then after that she invited me to the birthday dinner for my son and Easter, Its completely Freaking insane.
Yesterday was really frustrating.
Moving forward I think we might be getting closer to figuring everything out. Through it all I continue to see what a complete and utter mess my STBXW. She's a freaking dumpster fire. I spend half my day cussing her. And at this point, bar none, marrying her goes down as the worst life decision I ever made.
Though maybe taking her back after the affair actually goes down as the biggest mistake. At the same time I will always be able to look my kids in the eye and tell them I did everything that I could to save the family. ------------------ Almost done, I just remembered, at my progressive dinner (which didn't end till 3am -woof.) one of the women asked me if my wife had an affair. I just looked at her and said, "you know the answer to that"; she then replied that everyone knows.
That is a women that is in my neighborhood and also very involved in the kids school (which is very small and private). So basically everyone knows. That has probably put a lot of miserable pressure on my STBXW over the past 4 years and it will continue to be something she deals with going forward. Other women do not respect cheaters that rip families apart.
I was talking to the same woman about my son and how angry he seems to be about everything and she said he has to know. Again she made the point that if all the parents know, then one of the kids has to know and probably said something to him. I haven't really seen a clear sign of that - but its all sad.
Anyhow, I'm just trying to get through the divorce at this point and move on. Once I know the terms I can focus on making good decisions for myself going forward and rebuilding.
I appreciate the advise, but its tough. Being invited to hang out with my kids and saying no is tough. Not to mention, when it comes up I'm betting she will tell the kids "I invited your father but he didn't want to come."
Why does that scare you? "Remember that talk about divorce? Mommy and Daddy are divorced and live separately. I love you and celebrate your birthday here. She loves you and celebrates your birthday there." If my ex offered this I would decline unless there were special circumstances.
If it's "normally your day", presumably she has a pick-up and/or drop-off time. For a simple family birthday, I would celebrate during your custody on that day, the day before, or the day after.
Scott, unless the LBH is willing to just let her have whatever she asks for, these things always have a way of turning ugly. I am sure she is being a bit conniving and manipulative with the mixed messages: Do not ask me questions directly in the mediation sessions, but oh come celebrate Easter and birthday as a family! WWs in particular are masters at playing with the LBH's heads. In my sitch my WW would talk about having friends over later that year, and then the next was talking about looking at apartments. It is surreal. Gaslighting. Just plain confusing.
The best thing you can do is get your kids into IC. Many here that went through D have done that and it seems to help the kids process everything.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That is a women that is in my neighborhood and also very involved in the kids school (which is very small and private). So basically everyone knows. That has probably put a lot of miserable pressure on my STBXW over the past 4 years and it will continue to be something she deals with going forward. Other women do not respect cheaters that rip families apart.
Poor baby having to deal with the consequences of her actions.
So a couple things happened since we last hung out on the boards.
1) I went to a friendly dinner with a woman. It was a lot of fun. Grabbed dinner at 6:45p and ended up closing the place down. This woman is looking to get married and have kids but is new to the area. I was very clear that I am not looking for any kind of a relationship. We met through a friend, and I was bored and just called her up to go to dinner. It was fun, I don't think anything much more will come of it.
Being older and going out is definitely different. I picked up on a lot of the little things that she dropped that in my opinion were tests. Like "well you don't want to have kids, do you?" It was kind of funny and it was fun.
2) I did go to dinner with my Ex and the kids last night to a very nice restaurant for my son's birthday. I do think it meant a lot to him, because I asked him and he said it did. Her and I didn't talk at all about ourselves, not one question about what's been happening in our lives - which did make for a bit of a quiet table, but my daughter was very talkative.
I was paying attention a lot to my feelings - as that is something we're working on in IC. Its interesting to me how on one level I despise her and I would not want anything to do with her ever again in a marriage relationship. The negatives are dramatic and I know that most other woman would be more supportive, will treat me better, and I assume wouldn't cheat on me. She looks like she's struggling but trying to put on a brave face. Her hair continues to thin and she's put on weight. I feel bad for her.
But emotionally I was surprised that I still do have feelings for her. I'll continue to work through them and they're not the crazy feelings that make me want to pull all the stops out and try to save this thing - I just find it odd how my logic and feelings are at such odds - and I think that's something good to be aware of. I think it probably helps me process my anger at times and other things that are happening.
After the night was over I did send her a text.
"I have so much to say to you that will never be said. I still have feelings for you, and those are mine to work through. I do hope you find your happiness."
Why'd I send it and what did I expect back? I got nothing back, which was expected. I guess I sent it so that she would know she still has a chance. Its closing, but there is still a small window. It was a combination of a warning that the window is closing, while also letting her know there is an open door.
We have mediation again on Wednesday. I expect that we will get through a good amount of stuff. I think we'll get this tied up and file by the end of April. And then its over, for now. I'll be better off with this behind me. I'm still grieving the loss though I'm not sure what I lost. I fear I've lost the ability to give my heart to someone again - but maybe in time I'll heal that part too. I just can't see that at this time. ------------------------------ There's a lot here to kick my butt about, and that's fine. I'm just trying to work through a challenging time and I don't regret any of the decisions I've made, except maybe for that text - but even then, I'm glad I sent that message.
No butt kicking from me. You did what you felt you had to do. Now that your hunches about not getting a reply were confirmed, you can continue on your path of growth and maturity. Focus on yourself, focus on the kids, focus on your career and take your focus off the X. Clearly there is nothing to be gained with the focus remaining on her.
Stay strong buddy, you still have a lot of healing to do.
