I do like wayfarers idea of having a party on a different day. However if it is on her birthday sometimes grandparents and others put a emphasis on it being that day. If she gets a nap and you keep the second party low key I think she'll be able to handle it. She'll have a long life of multiple events post-D. I've witnessed this with my W's parents.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
And leave it at that. No expectations. No "she likes me!" if she comes, and no "it is the end of the world!" if she doesn't.
This is why I strongly suggest you, J, don't go to her party or invite her to yours. I don't know that you are in a place emotionally to not try to read into her hand bumping into yours as you serve cake. Or her smiling when you put your hand in the small of her back to get past her in the kitchen. I genuinely believe you aren't ready to put a happy face and fake until you make it twice in a day. Or at all right now. If you were further down the road here I would think maybe this would be a good time to show off how cool, collected and unbothered you are. I just don't know if you have that game face yet. And even if you do I don't' know that you'd make it through the whole day without a meltdown of your own.
And Steve has a point on the nap thing. If you can ensure a good nap for the little you could probably pull off two parties in one day, but if it isn't a must don't force that on yourself or the little one.
Thank you everyone. It's a lot to digest and the messages all are pointing in the same direction.
I did take a big step forward last night and this morning.
I am now beginning to frame and think of "2 beings/persons" The first is the woman I love and would like to reconcile with. The second is the medicine this woman brought to me that have unearthed really deep things that I've needed to learn most of my adult life. I am beginning to shift my thinking and super imposing this "being" onto her when I think or see her - as a person that merely represents a catalyst for my growth. Nothing more, nothing less.
When I read your posts I see myself about a year ago. It's a rough place to be. I hope you can learn faster than me! Here is the direction I would guide you in.
Make your two most important goals: 1. accepting and 2. releasing the power she has over your life. Even in your last post, I am cringing because all your focus and growth is still centered on her. Your growth centers on YOU. You are working on things because you want to be your best self. Not because of anything she did for you.
Right now my H has filed for divorce. I have told him straight out that while I do not support his decision and I disagree with him that this is the right course for us, I will accept it and let him go.
Is this for him? Heck no. It's for me. I am worth more than keeping someone who doesn't love me or value me. Holding on to him because I am scared to let go so I will take whatever crumbs he will throw me instead of believing I am worth whole love. And I understand this so much better now. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life and create my own exciting happy life than manipulate or beg someone into staying with me.
But. It took me a bit to get there. I don't want it to take you that long. I bent over backward and pretzeled myself and accepted crap treatment HOPING he would see how great and giving I was and reconcile.
IT DOESN'T WORK. What happens is they realize they can get away with just about anything. Think about it, if you know you have a boss who doesn't like you being ten mins late every day but won't do anything about it, you take advantage of that. If you have a boss that will not accept that, you will do whatever you have to do to be there on time. Because you respect that boss!
Let your goal be accepting this situation. This is a conversation I had with my H: I told him that I don't want a divorce. I don't believe it's the right answer. I believe we can create an amazing new marriage if we are both willing and committed. A marriage that makes us happy. But you have told me you do not want to choose that path, and I don't want to keep someone who does not love me in that way. I will not allow the person I am married to to treat me like a roommate. To have the best of both worlds: me supporting you, talking to you, cooking and cleaning and taking care of the home and kids and you planning for someone else. Hard pass. *interject my H's vision of how we will be best friends and how we can take care of each other better as friends than as married. Wait for me to throw up in my mouth* Me: While I dont love your behavior, I still love you. I need to move on. In order to do this, I won't be friends with you. I am not being petty, this is not to punish. This is for my own mental health and taking care of me. I will do my best not to be unkind, but I don't want to be your friend. Maybe one day, but I can't guarantee that. I don't actually have any friends that treat me like this. I am really mad right now and I am really hurt, and I need to work through this. And this is what works for me.
So, that is what I am doing. I do not text him unless it is about our home, the divorce, or the children. And by that, I don't mean, "DD had a great day today, here's her artwork." Nope, I got fired as a wife. It's more like: "The x bill is due on Friday for x amount of money. How will we be handling this?" This is because we are still in the process of divorcing and not all of those things have been worked out yet. Business mode. My doctor said to me, "A wedding is a fairytale. A divorce is a business transaction." I know, ouch. But it's true. He was mad when I said the kids need to come to me for school each day even when it's your week. He was so mad. Old me would have sacrificed what's best for them to make him happy so that MAYBE he might reconcile with me. Me now will not betray myself to make him more comfortable. My kids homeschool, and he is a workaholic who constantly is on conference calls from 8 am to 10 pm at night. I explained that if they were in a brick and mortar school that he would still drop them of and pick them up, and that it is what I am advocating as the best thing for my kids. My kids have proven they are not responsible enough to school on their own with no supervision.
When he texts me a picture of the dog all clean or the sunset, I typically do not reply or I give him a thumbs up emoji. Right now he doesn't get it both ways. Again, this is NOT because I want to be mean or punish him. I know my heart. I have to move on. I cannot have that relationship with him right now. And honestly, I don't want it.
I want you to tell yourself, "This is her loss. She is insane to leave me. I am a catch." Honestly, you will start to believe it and feel it. It takes a little time, but it is true. Write it daily in a notebook. If you believe anything but this, you will be chasing her and hoping she will have pity on you to come back. Feel your strength. This doesn't mean you don't work on yourself to be your highest self. We should do that no matter what. But it's not for her.
Stop beating yourself up for old mistakes. Everyone makes them. Just learn from them.
As far as the birthday party goes, as a mom and an educator, she is two. She won't even remember this. Should you go to the party? Well, what is best for you? Your daughter is too young for it to be a big deal for her. So can you handle this? If yes, have a plan. Go in, say hi, sing, eat some cake and leave. Don't even talk to your W. If you can't handle it right now, take your daughter out later and get some ice cream and go to the playground. If you have other family around who might like to join, that's fine. It's not a competition and it doesn't matter what your friends think.
My H texted me how he was thankful I was taking care of the kids and he appreciates this. He does that now sometimes. I either don't write back or I say "thanks." That's it. He didn't do that when we were married and it mattered. And I don't need his validation. I'm a good mom for me and for my kids. And I cannot communicate with him right now. And it is truly doing good things for me to disconnect. I am more healthy in this month already. And it also lets him know I am serious and I don't play games.
Beware of strategizing. Don't make what you do a strategy: maybe she will think this or do that. What is best for you? The most healthy thing for you?
I suppose it is possible my H will want to reconcile. Not likely, but possible. that used to matter so much to me! Now that I have worked so hard to disconnect, I am seeing him for who he is. I am seeing my worth and believing he is nuts to leave me. I can list the things I love about me (could not do that a year ago) and any man would love. Frankly, if he wanted to reconcile with me, I don't know if I would want him. That is what disconnecting, accepting, and releasing his power over me has done.
I am sorry. This is awful. You are in the hardest part of it and it IS hard. But you can do this! You will become stronger for it and we are all here for you. Mute her on SM. Quit if you can. I haven't looked at my H's social media in a couple months. I don't care. He will meet someone again. It will hurt. But I also know that I can handle it.
Sorry, didn't mean for this to be a novel!!!
Last edited by Oceangl; 03/10/2107:30 PM. Reason: spelling ugh!
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
Oceangirl, I enjoyed your novel. Lots of wisdom and insights. Take care!
haha thanks! I earned any wisdom by falling on my face and making every mistake a lot!
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
Ok - so I'm going to my daughter's birthday party for a short while because it's my daughter and I love her. All the other people don't matter, this is about my daughter.
Further I sent her these messages this am.
"Ok. We should have a financial conversation later this month and what the spilt for expenses for things like future music together, Dr bills, schooling and such. Do you think you’d like to discuss this and anything else that you had in mind with a meditator a few months back I’m happy to do so. Wednesday afternoons are typically the best days and I’m happy to go with whomever you choose (again only if you think you’d like to do so)" *No reply yet
"I’d love to go to Poppy’s birthday party. Did you have a time you were going to do anything specific like presents or cake?" *No reply yet
Feeling my bright future more each day, with or without her.
Actually I just spoke with her and it turns out my ex is only having a pancake breakfast with her 2 friends that are flying into town. So I don't think I'm going to go. I thought it was a big party.
