I had to talk with my STBXW yesterday because my son is getting close to the edge of appropriateness with girls on his phone. The conversation with her went very well; we stayed focused on my son the entire time.
But I will say, those conversations set me back. Its hard to explain - I guess its like pulling the scab off of a healing wound. Its not nearly as intense as the initial cut but it does do damage. The last two nights I've had dreams about her - I don't recall what they were about it. I think I'm doing good moving forward but those interactions remind me where I am. Also, mediation got canceled for today, which was nice since I was dreading it. Next session in two weeks.
The next day after this my son was on the phone with the same girl until 4am at my X's house. Anyhow, it got managed fine. Then I got the kids for the next five days which was great. Things went great with them and I just love having them around --now they are gone for the next five days.
I have some people coming over on Friday and then I have plans on Saturday too, so the weekend will be fine. I sent my X an email about the escalating costs for the divorce and asked her what she wanted the outcome to be. She wrote back saying she wanted her 50% plus support. I sent her a spreadsheet outlining what that looked like and asked if we could discuss it and heard nothing back. Over the next two weeks we have two meetings scheduled that will cost about $8k total. And our attorney's have been meeting to discuss things as well. Its really incredible. So far we've spent about $12k and I don't feel like we've gotten anywhere.
And then you all are going to love this -- I was supposed to get the kids for Easter but that represented some changes in the schedule that we decided on in January. I went back and reminded her about it and she said we should not make the change until next year. She then sighted the fact that we did Christmas this year at my house (which was before any negotiations) and said she would be willing to host Easter if I wanted to come over to her house.
Well, I fell for it. I was going to take my kids to FL for spring break to include Easter and then my X and I were going to flip some weekends around. When that fell through, I became less concerned with Easter and forgot that I was supposed to have them. So when she sent her "offer" I accepted it. I was shocked she invited me over - of course if she hadn't done that I'm sure I would have caught on and taken the kids with me.
Anyhow, I'm not going back to discuss it again. I am a little frustrated with it. If the next two mediations go bad then I will raise a stink about Easter.
In IC my counselor is working with me to listen to myself and my heart and to do what Brad wants not what other people expect of me or what others want. This is definitely an example of me not doing what I want. But there is still this stupid piece of me that wants to go over there, show her who I am now, in some weird hope that she changes her mind.
But what is so screwed up is that at the same time I don't want her back. She's a mess, a liar, and can't be trusted. My life is worse with her in it.
This is getting long, but oh well.
This past weekend I went to a BBQ with some friends and their wives. I really didn't know one of the women very well - I was shocked at how much they don't like my X. I mean they were saying some pretty gnarly stuff. In a weird way that felt validating for me, but I also felt bad for her that her reputation is so bad.
I also had an experience at the same party where my daughter hadn't eaten yet and one of the mom's offered to get her a plate. It was a weird experience because if my wife had done that while I was there I would have gotten chewed out for it. But when this woman did it she was so happy to just help out - I was able to relax and not worry. In the weirdest way it almost made me emotional.
I talked to my IC about that and about another incident where a woman was nice to me and he simply said "You just like being treated nice." That was actually profound. I haven't been treated nice in so long, with no strings attached, that when someone is nice to me I'm overwhelmed.
That is really screwed up. Anyhow, I'm rambling. That's all for now.
I talked to my IC about that and about another incident where a woman was nice to me and he simply said "You just like being treated nice." That was actually profound. I haven't been treated nice in so long, with no strings attached, that when someone is nice to me I'm overwhelmed.
Wait until you start having sex and women want to totally please you. It will blow your mind Brad lol.
Scott, what I will tell you is that whatever you decide with Easter, or coparenting, or mediation, etc, do it WITHOUT expectations! I am still seeing a bit of a tendency to have expectations.
Take the Easter plan. IF you can go there, stay the night, spend Easter around her and with the kids......WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS, then do it. IF you cannot then tell her you are out.
That is your goal...no expectations. And if you can't do something that is voluntary without them, then don't do it. There will come a time when you can do things with her and the kids without those expectations, but be honest with yourself about where you are in relation to expectations.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wait until you start having sex and women want to totally please you. It will blow your mind.
Absolutely.
The more healthy you are, the better quality woman you will attract. All the MrNiceGuy traits need to be dropped. Add attractive traits to your behavior. This is a continuous self evaluation process.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I should re-read No More Mr Nice Guy. ------------------------ So this is interesting, to me at least; my wife is supposed to get my son on his birthday, but it is my day. So she posited that we all go to dinner to a special restaurant together as opposed to her just taking him.
She also replied to my email about negotiating the divorce between us and said that she hadn't had a chance to look at it and that she would get back to me on it.
I haven't replied about the dinner yet. It does seem odd to me that in the last two weeks she has asked that we do Easter together and now my son's birthday.
I went out to dinner with a friend last night and had a great time. He is about two years ahead of me on the same affair/divorce path. Its always interesting talking to him as he is also about 5 years older and has perspectives on this next phase of life. He's been dating a woman for about a year and it was interesting to hear about. Anyhow it was a great time.
Tonight our neighborhood is doing a progressive dinner and they are finishing at my house, so I have to ramp my place up to get it ready for a good time. Unfortunately its going to be a little cold out, but I'll get the music, darts, ping pong, and projector with the basketball going. Should be fun.
So this is interesting, to me at least; my wife is supposed to get my son on his birthday, but it is my day. So she posited that we all go to dinner to a special restaurant together as opposed to her just taking him.
The opposite of what Marie- Antoinette said "Don't let her eat cake!"
Originally Posted by ScottB
She also replied to my email about negotiating the divorce between us and said that she hadn't had a chance to look at it and that she would get back to me on it.
Don't hold your breath!
Originally Posted by ScottB
I haven't replied about the dinner yet. It does seem odd to me that in the last two weeks she has asked that we do Easter together and now my son's birthday.
Why does it seem odd?
Originally Posted by ScottB
I went out to dinner with a friend last night and had a great time. He is about two years ahead of me on the same affair/divorce path. Its always interesting talking to him as he is also about 5 years older and has perspectives on this next phase of life. He's been dating a woman for about a year and it was interesting to hear about. Anyhow it was a great time.
Great!
Originally Posted by ScottB
Tonight our neighborhood is doing a progressive dinner and they are finishing at my house, so I have to ramp my place up to get it ready for a good time. Unfortunately its going to be a little cold out, but I'll get the music, darts, ping pong, and projector with the basketball going. Should be fun.
It does seem odd to me that in the last two weeks she has asked that we do Easter together and now my son's birthday.
I don't know what the "right" thing is to do, but bet most on here would say she's trying to have her cake and eat it too. Maybe feels bad about the divorce and wants to share the time with the kid and have family time before she runs off for good. I'd recommend doing what you feel is best for you and your son, without regard with what she wants/is best for her.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I went out to dinner with a friend last night and had a great time. He is about two years ahead of me on the same affair/divorce path. Its always interesting talking to him as he is also about 5 years older and has perspectives on this next phase of life. He's been dating a woman for about a year and it was interesting to hear about. Anyhow it was a great time.
I'd be very interested to hear what he had to say on this if you're willing to share.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Tonight our neighborhood is doing a progressive dinner and they are finishing at my house, so I have to ramp my place up to get it ready for a good time. Unfortunately its going to be a little cold out, but I'll get the music, darts, ping pong, and projector with the basketball going. Should be fun.
Sounds like great GAL! Have fun!
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I'd be very interested to hear what he had to say on this if you're willing to share.
I'd be willing to share. What do you want to know?
LH - Nothing specific. ScottB just mentioned his friend's perspectives being 2yrs ahead on the path are interesting, so was curious. But would love to hear anything you'd like to say on the matter as well.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
So this is interesting, to me at least; my wife is supposed to get my son on his birthday, but it is my day. So she posited that we all go to dinner to a special restaurant together as opposed to her just taking him.
Interesting in what way? I am afraid, as I stated before, that you attach significance to this. "Oh she wants to celebrate his birthday together! Maybe she is having second thoughts!" This is why mindreading is a cheeseless tunnel. Almost all WAWs want to remain friends with their LBH. We've got LBHs here that have WAWs living apart that want to borrow tools from their LBH, call and talk to them for hours at a time, etc. Just because she doesn't want to be married to you anymore doesn't mean she doesn't want you in her life. I had an ex-GF that kept me hanging on like this FOR DECADES!! Not fun, I do not recommend it. Likely she will try to make you a BFF, and only you can decide how much of that you will allow.
"I am not sure what "my wife is supposed to get my son on his birthday, but it is my day" means. Ambiguous child custody planning like this will cause conflicts like this all the time. You need to fix it moving forward. And I find it interesting you still call her "my wife". My STBXW is more like it.
Originally Posted by ScottB
She also replied to my email about negotiating the divorce between us and said that she hadn't had a chance to look at it and that she would get back to me on it.
ROFL! Typical lazy WAS D garbage. And so many LBSs get tripped up. "They must not be very into getting D because they keep dragging their feet on the D!" No, it means they are lazy, already have what they want (living on their own, etc) and are in no hurry to do the hard work that is necessary to end a marriage. Usually what happens, unless the LBS pushes it along, the WAS lets it languish until they meet someone new and want to get remarried, then suddenly they are all about getting it done as quickly as possible.
Do not put any significance on this!
Originally Posted by ScottB
I haven't replied about the dinner yet. It does seem odd to me that in the last two weeks she has asked that we do Easter together and now my son's birthday.
"I've thought about it and it is probably better to do our own things for Easter and S's birthday. Let's work out an arrangement that we both can agree to. This is what I am thinking:" then out line your idea. Simple. To the point. And gets you to a better place not only now, but also for future.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I went out to dinner with a friend last night and had a great time. He is about two years ahead of me on the same affair/divorce path. Its always interesting talking to him as he is also about 5 years older and has perspectives on this next phase of life. He's been dating a woman for about a year and it was interesting to hear about. Anyhow it was a great time.
Tonight our neighborhood is doing a progressive dinner and they are finishing at my house, so I have to ramp my place up to get it ready for a good time. Unfortunately its going to be a little cold out, but I'll get the music, darts, ping pong, and projector with the basketball going. Should be fun.
Keep up the great GAL!!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
