So we share custody of our dogs; I have the dogs during the week, and she gets them during the weekends. Every Friday evening, she comes by to pick up the dogs. When she's here, we usually talk a bit, but nothing serious. Just pleasant chit-chat, and certainly nothing about the divorce or the relationship.
Just curious.......did you share custody of the dogs during your time of going dark? If so, then you were never completely dark. See what I mean?
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I don't know what any of this means, but like I said before, I'm kind of over it. I know that I probably should not have responded to the text of the picture of the dogs; and I probably should not have gone on the walk. But at this point, I just don't have the energy to deal with this anymore. I'm *so* emotionally drained after almost 9 months of this, that it almost doesn't even matter anymore. I'm kind of just.....*resigned* to whatever happens. I'm not pursuing her anymore in the sense that I'm not initiating *anything* with her. Yes, I respond when she initiates, but only then.
I can't speak for the LBH, but I can share what I've seen happen. IMHO, you never emotionally detached.....even when you went "dark". When you thought OM was out of the picture, you bounced into full on pursuit.........only to experience rejection after spending the night with your WW. Your emotions have suffered an extreme roller-coaster ride. Naturally, you feel exhausted, b/c there has been no true respite. Some LBH's never emotionally detach, they simply wear out from all the emotional fatigue. IMHO, LBH's try to make every tiny thing bear some type of meaningful message, and all it accomplishes is more fatigue. I think that's where you find yourself at the present.
I suggest you not respond to any photos she sends. It is a typical WW tactic to keep the LBH on the back burner. Don't respond to text that doesn't ask a direct question and absolutely needs an answer. If you simply MUST answer a question, don't use over two-three words. Think you can handle that? It's that or don't reply at all.
I don't know the situation about the dogs, or how many you have. I'm a dog lover, so I understand the attachment. With that said, I'll also tell you that your WW is only using the dogs as if it's a string tied to you. In other words, without the dogs, what other excuse does she have to contact you......and/or even better.......go to your place and play BFF?
You may have to make a hard decision about dividing the dogs between you & wife. Unless of course, you want to use them for the same reason.......a string tied to your W. Do what is best for you.
Anyway, I hope for your own sake you will decide to go completely off the planet dark with her. This time around, however, don't do it as a tactic to see how she'll respond. Do it for your mental & emotional health.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just curious.......did you share custody of the dogs during your time of going dark? If so, then you were never completely dark. See what I mean?
Yes, we shared custody of the dogs during my time of going dark. However, I made sure to never be at home when she would come to pick up the dogs. So I literally never saw her even once during the "dark" period. This is almost impossible now with this quarantine (everything's closed, there is nowhere to go, and there's a shelter-at-home order in our community).
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I can't speak for the LBH, but I can share what I've seen happen. IMHO, you never emotionally detached.....even when you went "dark". When you thought OM was out of the picture, you bounced into full on pursuit.........only to experience rejection after spending the night with your WW. Your emotions have suffered an extreme roller-coaster ride. Naturally, you feel exhausted, b/c there has been no true respite. Some LBH's never emotionally detach, they simply wear out from all the emotional fatigue. IMHO, LBH's try to make every tiny thing bear some type of meaningful message, and all it accomplishes is more fatigue. I think that's where you find yourself at the present.
I believe you're right that this is where I find myself. I'm just worn out from the emotional rollercoaster.
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I suggest you not respond to any photos she sends. It is a typical WW tactic to keep the LBH on the back burner. Don't respond to text that doesn't ask a direct question and absolutely needs an answer. If you simply MUST answer a question, don't use over two-three words. Think you can handle that? It's that or don't reply at all.
Please remind me: How will I know when she's reaching out to keep me on the back burner, as opposed to reaching out to try to reconcile? This is one reason most LBHs fail, I think. Because they don't know the difference.
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I don't know the situation about the dogs, or how many you have. I'm a dog lover, so I understand the attachment. With that said, I'll also tell you that your WW is only using the dogs as if it's a string tied to you. In other words, without the dogs, what other excuse does she have to contact you......and/or even better.......go to your place and play BFF?
You may have to make a hard decision about dividing the dogs between you & wife. Unless of course, you want to use them for the same reason.......a string tied to your W. Do what is best for you.
The dogs are literally the only reason we still see each other. But she doesn't want to split the dogs up, and she doesn't want to keep them full-time, and she doesn't want me to have them full-time either. They are like our kids; how can you give up a kid? Or split your kids up?
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Anyway, I hope for your own sake you will decide to go completely off the planet dark with her. This time around, however, don't do it as a tactic to see how she'll respond. Do it for your mental & emotional health.
Well actually, what I was trying to convey before was that since I'm so emotionally worn out, it's becoming harder and harder for me to *care* about going dark with her. The mindset I'm in right now is more like, "Going dark takes too much energy; I'd rather just live my life as I want, without factoring her into my actions. If I want to be home when she's here, so be it, I will be home because that's where I want to be. If I want to go on a walk with the dogs when she asks, I will. If I'm not in the mood to go on a walk, then I won't go.
Basically, I feel like "going dark" ironically elevates her importance, because I have to plan around *her* actions (e.g., be somewhere else when she shows up for the dogs). I don't want to plan around her. I don't want her to have any (implicit) control over what I can and cannot do. I don't want to live my life running away from her; that gives her too much power. Does that make sense?
Please remind me: How will I know when she's reaching out to keep me on the back burner, as opposed to reaching out to try to reconcile?
When the WW has selfish, manipulative, ulterior motives, she'll "reach out" to the LBH through various ways. At least, the LBH sees her as reaching out, but in reality, she's playing him for a fool. She has not changed, and doesn't intend to change her mindset. When the WW is keeping the LBH on the back burner, she will throw just enough breadcrumbs to cause him to keep hanging on for a R. Whenever she sends a photo, or a text that really requires no response, or a "like" on his social media, or she suddenly asks him for a hug, or appears warm & friendly.....(but usually holds him at arms length romantically)........she's simply throwing crumbs to keep him emotionally attached. She may call him up to have long talks, which are usually all about her feelings. She wants the LBH to be her "best friend".....or suggest they "hang out" (like friends). Another way is she'll tell him they need to meet and "talk", but it's never goes quite like he hopes or she changes her mind the next day. His biggest problem is thinking any of these times she seems to be "REACHING OUT" is going to eventually lead to reconciliation. He's scared to shut the door to any opportunity of that possibility......and therefore, he stays available to her. However, she's only reaching out due to selfish reasons and she will continue to call upon his availability as often as it keeps him on the back burner. (This little technique has been proven to continue even after they divorce and he is married to another woman!) Another thing to notice is that she is not very consistent in her words & actions, and it leaves the LBH feeling confused. As I said, she's giving him just enough crumbs to keep him emotionally attached, but she is nowhere close to being authentic about changing from her waywardness.......or about reconciling. These things are a few examples of her playing the LBH.
When the WW really comes to her senses, and truly wants her H back, she will stop playing games with him. She gets serious, and if she genuinely wants to reconcile, she'll usually be fairly direct and ask him his thoughts/feelings about getting back together. If she's remorseful and feels humility in her soul, she'll genuinely apologize for all the horrible things she's done to him. She will be willing to do whatever is necessary to save the M. She'll want to convey her willingness to do what he needs in order to get his trust back. She'll want to convince him she's committed to saving the M. I keep using the word "genuinely" b/c if she has not had an awakening and she's simply trying to sliver under the door to get back into the home, then she'll continue to play games.
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This is one reason most LBHs fail, I think. Because they don't know the difference.
Maybe, but where I sit, it looks more like the LBHs fail b/c they are too resistant in believing what the board tells them and they persist in trying to come up with some logical answer as to why she's doing whatever she's doing. It doesn't work b/c he doesn't have her figured out. He would have better success if he acted like he couldn't stand to be in the same room with her, instead of thinking every little move from her is some type of "sign" she wants back. He needs to realize many WW's want back into their comfortable lifestyle, without making commitments to doing the work. What kills me is how many LBHs are willing to accept those terms!
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The dogs are literally the only reason we still see each other. But she doesn't want to split the dogs up, and she doesn't want to keep them full-time, and she doesn't want me to have them full-time either. They are like our kids; how can you give up a kid? Or split your kids up?
Healthy minded people don't put their wayward spouse above the well being of their flesh & blood children. No matter how much you love your pets, I tend to think you would have no problem putting your WW above your dogs! If she told you she wanted to R but wanted to start over without the dogs.........I think you would be able to find another home for the pets.
Frankly, I think you are searching for excuses instead of issuing a measure of tough love. You think that seeing the dogs will grow into spending more time together and eventually leading to reconciliation. You are so scared if she doesn't have the excuse of seeing the dogs, you'll lose her forever. Remember what I told you about a WW getting serious and being direct with the LBH? I think a lot of LBHs fail by making things too easy for the WW to return to the M. Speaking as a former WW, let me assure you that she needs to work hard to get her MR back again. You seem to find this excuse to see her, b/c you are thinking like dating years, where boys find excuses to get together with some girl. Trust me, when she gets serious about reconciling, she won't need an excuse to find you.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When she came by yesterday to pick up the dogs for the weekend, I was not home (as is usually the case, as I leave before she comes by to avoid having to see her). However, this time when I got home, I saw that she left me a couple of cupcakes, seemingly for no reason and without even mentioning it. Should I text her a "thank you" for the cupcakes? I don't talk to her or text with her unless it's about the dogs. But I also don't want to be a jerk. What's the correct response here? Thanks!
P.S.: I realize these cupcakes could LITERALLY be breadcrumbs. LOL!
You're right LH, nothing has changed. Hence the lack of updates. She still reaches out once in a while wanting to get dinner together as friends, and I have to keep telling her that's not something I'm interested in.
Aside from that, we really don't have a relationship with each other at all. She just stops by on Fridays to get the dogs, and then comes by on Monday to drop them off. I'm not here when she comes by, so there is no face-to-face interaction at all.
One of the dogs was sick last month, requiring lots of vet visits and texting back and forth about the dog's health issues. Aside from texting about the dogs when necessary, we don't communicate. And I have no idea about what's going on with the OM or with any new OMs. I would be shocked if she's not seeing someone.
I know you constantly say that it could take several years for anything to change with a wayward, if at all. I'm not holding my breath, but I thought the cupcake thing was a little out of the ordinary.
The best advice I ever got for dealing with communication was only to answer questions.
Unless there’s a question which requires you to communicate with her - do not.
And do not initiate communication.
The way a WW’s brain works (or the remnants of where there used to be a brain) is like this ... “he’s being nice for a couple of cupcakes even though I’m banging another guy. He’s still on the hook. I can have him back anytime I want. He’s a weak man. He’s unattractive. I can do better. I’ll keep looking elsewhere.”
Unless it’s a direct question or something which REQUIRES your response, ignore. Eat the cupcakes and then forget about it - get on with YOUR life. Gym, exercise, socialise, work, renovate, paint a room, read a book, take a class, holiday/small getaway.
You have about 80 laps around the sun and then it’s all over. Is how you respond to cupcakes really going to make or break it?
but I thought the cupcake thing was a little out of the ordinary.
Quite the contrary, it's totally ordinary, she's just keeping you on the backburner, as they like to do. You reply anything to the cupcakes and she knows you'll come back tail between your legs ready to do anything for her. We know you will too.
Me 42/ W 40 /S 16 Married 15 Bomb dropped 11/18/2009 Nuke dropped 12/7/2009 EA/likely PA confirmed and busted 2/28/2010 Still separated in the same house and cant wait for this to end 5/8/2012
