The cupcake thing was strange to me, but I wasn’t thinking “oh now she’s coming back!” Lol. My only question was about whether to say thank you or not, because I didn’t want to be a jerk about it. I believe you should be able to DB without being a jerk.
Okay, Mr. Nice Guy, my answer is no. Don't respond. It doesn't make you a jerk.
Can't you see how she is fishing? The cupcakes are a hook. If you bite, she'll pull you back into the game playing.
Just ignore it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just my two cents on the cupcakes. Thank you is fine if it was immediate. Oh cup cakes, text thank you. The end. Having to get an opinion on what should be knee jerk politeness is why everyone is throwing NGS at you. If you were truly grateful and didn't want to be a jerk you wouldn't have come here asking for advice on gratitude over baked goods from an ex. That being said, you did come here, you didn't say thank you right away like a weirdo, because one can only assume you were looking for some pay off for that gratitude, so now you're just going to make things super awkward if you bring it up now. Don't do it. Next you can DB without being a jerk. You could've said thank you in a normal human person time frame. Also not saying anything at all is also not being jerk. Filming yourself throwing them in the trash and then taking the trash out and sending said video to her, that's being a jerk. Best case scenario here is what's been suggested multiple times. Thank her the next time you have a reason to interact with her, and leave it alone.
The deeper issue is why are you reading into cupcakes 20 months after BD? Don't mind read. Don't read into every day scenarios. Focus on what you're doing to heal and move forward.
I'll add to Wayfarer in that I know how you feel. I too have panicked and posted a gazillion stupid things that, in retrospect, sound so silly. It comes back to detachment and being able to think clearly. Just reread that detachment thread quite a bit.
I told myself every day for almost 2 years that today could be the last day I am married.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
OK, I really appreciate all of the advice. However, I think this really highlights the problem with this forum. I asked what I thought would be a really simple question: Should I say thank you or not? And here is a sampling of the answers I received (paraphrased, of course):
LH19: Nothing you do matters! [I would call this the nihilist approach, lol]
SteveLW: Say thank you, but only when discussing the dogs! [let's call this the practical nice-guy approach]
CWarrior: Say thank you, but only if you want more cupcakes in the future! [the utilitarian approach]
sandi2: Don't you DARE respond to this nonsense! [the tough love approach]
wayfarer: How dare you NOT respond immediately with a thank you for the breadcrumbs she's throwing your way??? You're a weirdo!!! [the NGS approach]
ovrrnbw: This is a stupid, silly question. [lol]
As you can see, the advice is all over the place. I think the veterans on this forum need to get together and have a meeting about what it means to be DB'ing, because a simple question like this should not really illicit such divergent responses if you are all reading from the same book. I think there was a post earlier about why not many people are posting on this forum anymore, and I think this thread may provide some insight.
Now don't get me wrong, this forum has gotten me through many a dark night, just reading through other people's situations, knowing that I'm not the only one experiencing this craziness. And for that, I'm truly grateful. But honestly, I was kind of surprised by all the answers to this very simple question.
As you can see, the advice is all over the place. I think the veterans on this forum need to get together and have a meeting about what it means to be DB'ing, because a simple question like this should not really illicit such divergent responses if you are all reading from the same book. I think there was a post earlier about why not many people are posting on this forum anymore, and I think this thread may provide some insight.
That's the beauty of the board my man, you get different opinions. Some people like Sandi and I are more about tough love while people like CW and DNJ are more understanding and compassionate. My point was say "thank you" or don't say "thank you" is not going to change the outcome of something that thousands of small contributors got you into. You have to decide on your own what kind of man you want to be going forward but it sounds like you have been kind of stagnate the last year.
OK, I really appreciate all of the advice. However, I think this really highlights the problem with this forum. I asked what I thought would be a really simple question: Should I say thank you or not? And here is a sampling of the answers I received (paraphrased, of course):
LH19: Nothing you do matters! [I would call this the nihilist approach, lol]
SteveLW: Say thank you, but only when discussing the dogs! [let's call this the practical nice-guy approach]
CWarrior: Say thank you, but only if you want more cupcakes in the future! [the utilitarian approach]
sandi2: Don't you DARE respond to this nonsense! [the tough love approach]
wayfarer: How dare you NOT respond immediately with a thank you for the breadcrumbs she's throwing your way??? You're a weirdo!!! [the NGS approach]
ovrrnbw: This is a stupid, silly question. [lol]
As you can see, the advice is all over the place. I think the veterans on this forum need to get together and have a meeting about what it means to be DB'ing, because a simple question like this should not really illicit such divergent responses if you are all reading from the same book. I think there was a post earlier about why not many people are posting on this forum anymore, and I think this thread may provide some insight.
Now don't get me wrong, this forum has gotten me through many a dark night, just reading through other people's situations, knowing that I'm not the only one experiencing this craziness. And for that, I'm truly grateful. But honestly, I was kind of surprised by all the answers to this very simple question.
Hmmm. I think maybe you are over thinking this. And also you may be gagging at gnats. You haven't been here for a year, and then you come with a simplistic question and expect us all to understand the idiosyncrasies of what has been going on, and be able to give you an uniform answer to whether or not to thank your WAS who has dragged you through a separation and dealing with dog exchanges over some cupcakes.
And for the record, put me into the "DO NOT THANK HER!" category. I took you struggling to not be jerk and gave you the answer based on your struggle. Kind of a begrudging "if you have to thank her, do it in context of the other logistical discussions you need to have with her". But my preference is to align with sandi, drop the NGS and move on with your life instead of dwelling on some flour, sugar, eggs and milk rolled into cupcakes. Heck, I even have the thought that maybe you shouldn't eat the things. Maybe that is her way of getting the dogs all to herself is to give you some poisoned cupcakes! (Some of the WWs we've had here I wouldn't put it past them.)
Will it ruin any chance at R for you to thank her? No. Will it ruin any chance at R for you to ignore them? No. That is LH's point.
However, enumerating all of our responses and acting like we are giving you conflicting information on a life or death decision is ludicrous! Heck, you could hire 6 DB coaches and get 6 different answers! DBing is an art, not a science. If you approach it like a science you will be disappointed. There is no DO X and GET Y result. I wish there were. Heck if there were then MWD wouldn't have had to write her books, or have this forum. There would be one "STOP A DIVORCE" book written 50 years ago that would give you that answer. But it doesn't exist.
DBX, I do wonder though if you aren't punking us. You show up, get confrontational, about the same time dunnm posts a thread essentially suggesting that the forum is bunk. No one is forcing anyone to post here. And when you do you get people that get nothing more out of trying to help than the fact that they've been through it too, and know how crappy it is. But I would suggest that a year later.......your situation is NO different than last year.....maybe you should be trying something different. That's DBing.
Peace.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
DBX, I do wonder though if you aren't punking us. You show up, get confrontational, about the same time dunnm posts a thread essentially suggesting that the forum is bunk. No one is forcing anyone to post here. And when you do you get people that get nothing more out of trying to help than the fact that they've been through it too, and know how crappy it is. But I would suggest that a year later.......your situation is NO different than last year.....maybe you should be trying something different. That's DBing.
Peace.
I agree. This is a weird thread. I mean it was fine enough as of last year, but coming in after a delay of a year, with no update and no change at all in the sitch (at least that was told to the board), and asking this question that in the scheme of any relationship is the most minor of things...and then getting annoyed at the answers. Anyway DBing is not some secret trick to fool the other person into coming back, it's all about improving yourself so that you can survive an awful situation and be a better person on the other side.
To me, the bigger question I have is why are you still in the same exact sitch a year later? At some point being married to someone that you never see or talk to is far worse than just moving on with your life. Are you dating? Following any of the other DB principles like GAL? Seeing an IC? If what you're doing isn't changing the sitch then you need to do something else, or you need to think about maybe just being done with it. Unless you want an estranged W forever, because it seems she is fine with the arrangement.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
However, enumerating all of our responses and acting like we are giving you conflicting information on a life or death decision is ludicrous!
No one said it was life or death. All I said was that it was a simple question. Honestly, I agree with LH that it won't matter what I do. It's been a year and half, and nothing has changed. I think if something does change sometime in the future, it won't be because of anything that I do.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
DBX, I do wonder though if you aren't punking us. You show up, get confrontational, about the same time dunnm posts a thread essentially suggesting that the forum is bunk. No one is forcing anyone to post here. And when you do you get people that get nothing more out of trying to help than the fact that they've been through it too, and know how crappy it is. But I would suggest that a year later.......your situation is NO different than last year.....maybe you should be trying something different. That's DBing.
I am not punking you guys. I'm just telling you how it is from a newbie's side.
And you're correct, my situation is really no different than last year. But I have already cut her out of my life as much as is practical. I don't know what else you'd have me do when you suggest trying something different.
