DBX80, I’m trying to resolve two things and understand where you’re at—you say you have not given up on the marriage, but you also say you’ve been dating?! How did you explain this to your dates?
I get you believe you’ve made self-improvements and went dark EXCEPT for the dogs for a year “DB’ing x 80!” and you wanted another shot—like that time she came over and you two had great sex? It must seem unfair that in a year, dropping off cupcakes is the most personal interaction you’ve gotten.
Unfortunately love isn’t about fair. You don’t earn points from successful DBing that you can cash in for rewards. There’s always the free will of another person and that’s never perfectly predictable. What it can do is help you live a happy life, and be better in your next relationship.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
DBX80, one more question. I asked how you'd upgraded yourself in the past year. You mentioned working out 5x/week and finding new friends and hobbies. A year of that and you're probably as fit as you've ever been! It's wonderful but in a way low-hanging fruit. Most people lose weight when they become single.
What deeper work have you done? Detachment is one part of DB. Being your best self is another. Your ex-wife's complaint was that you were "controlling and selfish" and you agreed. Have you transformed in these areas? How would an outsider see this in your work, hobbies, and daily interactions?
I'm glad to hear from you, even if it's not all wonderful news.
DBX80, I’m trying to resolve two things and understand where you’re at—you say you have not given up on the marriage, but you also say you’ve been dating?! How did you explain this to your dates?
I just tell them that I'm going through a divorce, and that we live completely separate lives (which is true). It hasn't been an issue so far (that I'm aware of).
And I guess there's a bit of compartmentalizing that goes on when I say that I haven't given up on my marriage. In a sense, I have given up if I'm dating other people. But on the other hand, I have not committed myself to anyone. So take that as you will. Life is messy, lol.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I get you believe you’ve made self-improvements and went dark EXCEPT for the dogs for a year “DB’ing x 80!” and you wanted another shot—like that time she came over and you two had great sex? It must seem unfair that in a year, dropping off cupcakes is the most personal interaction you’ve gotten.
Yes, it's kind of sad in a sense. But on the other hand, it confirms that she's not the person I fell in love with anymore, which definitely helps with detachment.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
What deeper work have you done? Detachment is one part of DB. Being your best self is another. Your ex-wife's complaint was that you were "controlling and selfish" and you agreed. Have you transformed in these areas? How would an outsider see this in your work, hobbies, and daily interactions?
I do go to IC. I feel like I have a more laid-back attitude towards life now. I used to be much more high-strung and "intense," which wasn't serving me well in my relationships with others (not just with W, but with friends and family and work colleagues). I let things roll off my back much more now, which has actually helped quite a bit with gaining a sense of acceptance about what has happened to my marriage.
CWarrior, I honestly tried my best to save that marriage, because I honestly really loved her. I don't know if I really believe in "soulmates" and all of that stuff, but if they are a thing, I always thought she would clearly be my soulmate. It's sad to think about what has happened to us, but at least now I can wrap my head around it. People change, and sometimes that means that they move on from something you thought to be solid and everlasting. It is what it is, and there's literally nothing I can do about it. You cannot force someone to love you; not even your soulmate!
So if you believe in the term soulmates (which I don’t) what you both are doing are the opposite of the term. Right now you both are seeing if there is something better out there holding the door open in case there isn’t.
A year and a half is a long time to wait for a woman who is basically telling you that you are not good enough when you don’t have children. Not saying you’re wrong I’m just making an observation.
I do go to IC. I feel like I have a more laid-back attitude towards life now. I used to be much more high-strung and "intense," which wasn't serving me well in my relationships with others (not just with W, but with friends and family and work colleagues). I let things roll off my back much more now, which has actually helped quite a bit with gaining a sense of acceptance about what has happened to my marriage.
I’ve gotten to the same place DBX, life is much more peaceful.
Originally Posted by DBX80
CWarrior, I honestly tried my best to save that marriage, because I honestly really loved her. I don't know if I really believe in "soulmates" and all of that stuff, but if they are a thing, I always thought she would clearly be my soulmate. It's sad to think about what has happened to us, but at least now I can wrap my head around it. People change, and sometimes that means that they move on from something you thought to be solid and everlasting. It is what it is, and there's literally nothing I can do about it. You cannot force someone to love you; not even your soulmate!
I don’t believe the whole soulmates thing, but I could have written this besides that part. It is what it is and it’s out of your control, with this attitude you’ll be more than fine soon enough.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Add me to the do not believe in soulmates stuff. Not even sure what that means?
But no you cannot force anyone to love you. Even a "soulmate" because there is always a little thing called free-will. People that were madly deeply hopelessly in love one minute, fell out of love the next minute. As you say, life is messy! People want their cake and eat it to. Look at you, not wanting to give up on your marriage, but dating other people. That is wanting your cake and eat it to. Just like your WW is doing!
Also, it has been said on this forum before, oftent times the LBS is the one that ends up filing for D. WASs and WSs in particular are notorious for being lazy when it comes to D. Sometimes it is to flip the narrative "He D'd me!" and they leave out that they BD'd you and left you.
But none of that matters. What matters is how long you are willing to put your life on hold and wait for the WAS. As I said, it is up to each person individually but I was only willing to wait 1 year for her to make up her mind. Life is too short, and I was staring 50 in the face. So she was either going to recommit to the marriage, or I was going to pull the ripcord myself and move on with my life. I don't think anyone could accuse you of giving up on your marriage after a year and a half of giving her ample opportunity to come back. What you would be giving up on is being held hostage in limbo and waiting for a WAS to change their mind. But you gave the MR every opportunity after a year and a half.
THe good news is that you don't have to decide anything now. TIme is on your side now. If you wait 5 more minutes, 4 more weeks or six more months, at this point it is just more of the same. So you do not have to be in any hurry, but I would have a honest discussion with myself if I were you about how much longer you are willing to wait.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just tell them that I'm going through a divorce, and that we live completely separate lives (which is true). It hasn't been an issue so far (that I'm aware of).
And I guess there's a bit of compartmentalizing that goes on when I say that I haven't given up on my marriage. In a sense, I have given up if I'm dating other people. But on the other hand, I have not committed myself to anyone. So take that as you will. Life is messy, lol.
STOP! In the name of love, before you break my heart!!! OK OK I'm messing around.
But seriously, here's what I'm thinking: How can one date when married? What does that say about your view of marriage? Is it an ultimate commitment or is it easy come easy go?
And how can you commit yourself at this point? You're a married guy who is holding out hope in his estranged wife. I don't judge that to be bad either, just a matter of fact.
If someone takes an issue with it, they probably don't see a purpose in discussing it with you. As you can tell, I have a great disdain for how our Western society utters the word "separated" and they may have just said "hocus pocus". Like magic, you're good to step outside of the bounds of the marriage that you voluntarily agreed to. I think this is very bad. Get a divorce (when you are ready), heal, and date again.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
