However, enumerating all of our responses and acting like we are giving you conflicting information on a life or death decision is ludicrous!
No one said it was life or death. All I said was that it was a simple question. Honestly, I agree with LH that it won't matter what I do. It's been a year and half, and nothing has changed. I think if something does change sometime in the future, it won't be because of anything that I do.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
DBX, I do wonder though if you aren't punking us. You show up, get confrontational, about the same time dunnm posts a thread essentially suggesting that the forum is bunk. No one is forcing anyone to post here. And when you do you get people that get nothing more out of trying to help than the fact that they've been through it too, and know how crappy it is. But I would suggest that a year later.......your situation is NO different than last year.....maybe you should be trying something different. That's DBing.
I am not punking you guys. I'm just telling you how it is from a newbie's side.
And you're correct, my situation is really no different than last year. But I have already cut her out of my life as much as is practical. I don't know what else you'd have me do when you suggest trying something different.
How about going and filing for D? You are stuck in limbo for a year and a half! Even in the beginning of my sitch I knew that there was no way I would be able to deal with limbo for that long and put a one year limit. If she wasn't recommitted back to the MR by the 1 year anniversary of BD I was going to go file for D.
I get giving her time and space. But I also truly believe that it shouldn't be infinite.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
However, I think this really highlights the problem with this forum. I asked what I thought would be a really simple question: Should I say thank you or not? And here is a sampling of the answers I received (paraphrased, of course):
LH19: Nothing you do matters! [I would call this the nihilist approach, lol] CWarrior: Say thank you, but only if you want more cupcakes in the future! [the utilitarian approach]
DBX80, in my message I said in-line with LH, "I highly doubt your choice will have any appreciable effect on your marital situation." On saving marriages and ourselves, I believed there's more consensus. On etiquette and who we want to be as people, I believe there's more divergence--e.g., kindness vs authenticity, traditional vs modern roles, or COVID. That's to be expected in a forum that crosses countries and politics, no?
I don't know what else you'd have me do when you suggest trying something different.
A year is a long time. I hope when you say your situation is no different, you only mean with respect to your relationship, and you've used the time to grow. Tell us about the New vs Old DBX80? Has she changed?
A year is a long time. I hope when you say your situation is no different, you only mean with respect to your relationship, and you've used the time to grow. Tell us about the New vs Old DBX80? Has she changed?
Yes, I mean nothing has changed with respect to the relationship. As far as what has changed with me personally, like I said before, I’ve been dipping my toes in the dating pool, but nothing serious for now. And I’ve really gotten into fitness and health, working out 5 times a week and eating healthier. I’ve also been traveling a bit more now that things are starting to get back to normal with COVID, and I’ve made some new friends out of my new hobby (hiking). So I feel like I’ve definitely made progress from a purely personal standpoint.
As far as whether she has changed? I’m not sure how to answer that. I don’t really talk to her anymore (aside from texting about the dogs). She’s like a complete stranger to me, so I don’t really know what’s going on in her life.
I get giving her time and space. But I also truly believe that it shouldn't be infinite.
For sure it should not be infinite. But lots of people on this forum constantly say that it could take “years” for a wayward to change (I believe LH says that a lot, for example). So when you tell me that maybe I should consider filing for divorce after a year and a half, it confuses me. Are you saying that if she was going to change her waywardness, it would have happened by now?
It’s not like I’m waiting by the window for her. Lol. I’m living my life, and have even gone on dates with others. So the way I look at it, the divorce would just be a piece of paper, and would not really change the current dynamic between us (which is basically that we’re both single adults, doing what we want to do, even though we’re legally still married). Am I wrong about this?
I’m curious what you think would be accomplished by filing for divorce? What would change?
I would personally prefer to not be married if I was dating. On the other side of it, I’d prefer that a person I was dating was not married also. Especially if it was indefinite with no clear end point. I suppose this might not matter to some people but those just don’t feel right to me. That’s what the D accomplishes.
A spouse also gains certain rights. For example, I hope you have a will, have designated someone else as beneficiary on accounts, stuff like that.
When people say the process can take years, I think a lot of times the expectation is you go through the D and perhaps find them again afterward. Not 100% sure on this though.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
I get giving her time and space. But I also truly believe that it shouldn't be infinite.
For sure it should not be infinite. But lots of people on this forum constantly say that it could take “years” for a wayward to change (I believe LH says that a lot, for example). So when you tell me that maybe I should consider filing for divorce after a year and a half, it confuses me. Are you saying that if she was going to change her waywardness, it would have happened by now?
It’s not like I’m waiting by the window for her. Lol. I’m living my life, and have even gone on dates with others. So the way I look at it, the divorce would just be a piece of paper, and would not really change the current dynamic between us (which is basically that we’re both single adults, doing what we want to do, even though we’re legally still married). Am I wrong about this?
I’m curious what you think would be accomplished by filing for divorce? What would change?
It would let you move on. The dogs are going to pass away one day (I've lost several dogs over the years), and then your only connection to her would be a "piece of paper". I get the feeling you're waiting for her waywardness to end. LH does say it could take years. What he and many of us also say is that it could take years.... If ever! As in she may never get over her waywardness. So let me turn it around on you, if you you agree the waiting shouldn't be infinite then how long should it be? A year seems too short for you. Maybe 2? 5? 10?
And if you are dating that has to be awkward. "So your still married? How long have you been separated?" "Umm, 5 years."
Not sure about you but if a woman I met and took out told me she and her estranged husband were separated but still married and it had been over a year, I'm running the other way fast.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When people say the process can take years, I think a lot of times the expectation is you go through the D and perhaps find them again afterward. Not 100% sure on this though.
Yep. That's right. Being D'd will not prevent future R if it is ever going to happen. Yet so many LBSs are deathly afraid of D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Being D'd will not prevent future R if it is ever going to happen. Yet so many LBSs are deathly afraid of D.
It’s not that I’m afraid of divorce (anymore). It’s just that in my mind, I always pictured HER filing for divorce, since she’s the one that stepped out of the marriage. I feel like if I file for divorce, it will mean I’m the one that gave up on us. Which is obviously the furthest thing from the truth.
It seems strange to me to say, on one hand, that marriage is just a piece of paper and dating is fine, but on the other hand to say filing means you gave up on the M.
I used to think the same and didn’t want to file, that i was giving up. Then I decided that was silly, it was more important to move on, and getting the D was a necessary step. I didn’t give up on the M, but you have to be realistic too. And nobody wants to date someone, seriously at least, who’s been separated for years with no D plans.
Last edited by mako; 03/22/2110:59 PM.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
