I honestly hadn't thought of the possibilty of it dragging out, i just figured she would file when she gets a chance. Think she would need to take leave from work to go to court and file.
I should probably set myself a deadline that if she hasnt filed then i will do it. Maybe the 1 year mark of BD
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
I honestly hadn't thought of the possibilty of it dragging out, i just figured she would file when she gets a chance. Think she would need to take leave from work to go to court and file.
I should probably set myself a deadline that if she hasnt filed then i will do it. Maybe the 1 year mark of BD
Ace, WASs are notoriously lazy about actual action related to separation and D. They will talk about it. They will discuss it. They will push for it. All in the hope you will just take care of it. I think it is exasperated in your sitch since you (if I am remembering right) admitted that you took care of most things in the marriage up to now. My W was the same way. "I want a D. We can file online for $400. I am going to go get a job. You keep the house, D will live with you. I'll come over a few nights a week for family dinners. And have you guys to my apartment for dinner."
All talk. No action. The one time she actually took action (started working on her resume) she got very emotional, started second guessing her decision to get a job, get an apartment and get a D. And then she never did finish her resume.
This is why most of the time, it ends up being the LBS that grows weary of waiting around and finally files. Some do so from strength, having done the work on themselves: GAL, IC, 180s and detachment. Others do so weakly, sadly, and regretfully. Almost as a final resort. Your goal is to work on being able to do it from strength! Because you know based on all of the work you've done on yourself that this is your best course of action for yourself. To move forward with your life and to go live your best life possible.
If you look at the posters here that struggle the most, they move the D forward because they've convinced themselves that no matter how long they wait the WAS is never coming back. Instead of deciding that waiting forever is not what winners do and wanting to move forward for themselves! See the difference? (I should also note, the moving the D forward out of weakness is usually coupled with a lot of shortcut behaviors: dating while still hung up on STBX, drinking, depression meds (nothing wrong with them if they are temporary), etc.
Ace, stay strong!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Fair enough Steve, I kind of just accepted that she would file soon but i have realised for a while that she is dragging her feet. I dont think that its because she is second guessing, just that she is delaying admin that she isnt willing to do at the moment.
I still cant believe the person i loved coud do this to me, but my disbelief doesn't change whats happened. I am weary but i still pray for her and our marriage, i believe that God can perform miracles but i also realise that everything is part of his plan and if we aren't meant to be then it is what is. I realise that that type of thinking can be thought of as a cop out and a way of thinking that removes blame but that isnt the way i look at it. A lot of people wont understand but thats how i feel. Either she is in the plan for my life or she isnt but i will keep praying for a loyal, god loving, beautiful woman whether it is her or not.
Im not willing to date until my divorce is finalized, i have been tempted and i downloaded Tinder for a few days but deleted it because i know im not ready and i definitely dont want hook ups anymore. I want to meet someone i can spend the rest of my life with
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
Hey Ace, it sounds like things are getting better bit by bit. I know it’s hard but I think you’re doing pretty well.
Maybe try to reframe it from “you can’t believe she could do it to you” to “she did this for herself”. She’s selfish and it’s not about you at all.
I think whatever happens, if you keep doing the right things, there will be happiness in your future. It will just take time. But you seem to be pretty patient. Stay strong my friend.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Hey OnlyBent, thanks for stopping by. Mostly i have been feeling a bit better but also have days when it hits me, its all part of the process though and i understand that.
It is true that our internal narrative and the way we think or talk about things creates our reality, i have been aware of that amd trying to change the way i think about things but changing thought patterns is extremely difficult. She was and is being selfish and maybe it has less to do with me than i realise but that doesnt really make me feel better at this stage.
I know things will work out for the best, its just so hard to see the light during the storm. I just want to be on the other side of this now but i dont want to wish away any parts of my life no matter how difficult this is its something i need to learn and grow from and thats a good thing. Thanks for the encouragement, patience has always been one of me weaker points but im slowly trying to change that. Hope things are going alright your side
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
Mate, we are very similar and we are going through similar things. I think that I might be slightly ahead of you, albeit with a long way to go still. Things do get better, especially when you put in the work. When shiz started popping off for me about 10-11 months ago I honestly wondered how I would deal with the pain, now I'm at the point where I know and believe that one day I will be truly loving life again.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Been a long time since i posted, still read whats going on but havent really felt like saying anything for a while. Signed and sent some papers to WW a few days ago that she needs to file for divorce, didnt fight it or talk about it all with her. i just took a week or 2 to send it, not sure why i guess i was delaying a bit. I have no control over the situation, either she has a massive change of heart and God performs a miracle or i will be divorced soon.cit is what it is.
So i just carry on with my life, messaged her to tell her that i sent it and mentioned some admin stuff (that i removed her from a phone contract that was on my name that we discussed previously). Also just told her that everything is going to be ok and i know she is a good person, maybe a stupid thing to say but i still care about her and wanted to reassure her a bit and i think(have no idea actually) that she is going through a hard time as well. She responded with a similar sentiment and havent spoken to her since.
Spiralled a bit for a while but im eating healthier and exercising more the last few days. Also had my family visit me a few weeks ago which was nice but also put a few doubts in my head about where i should go next in my life, been feeling like i need to go on my own and focus on my career but its a big decision about where i move. Taking things a day at a time and just trusting that things will work out.
Me 32, W 24 T 6, M 3 No kids BD: Aug 2020 OM: Jan 2021 Wife to file soon
Sounds like you're doing well given the circumstances. A 2-week delay, but you send her the paperwork without much discussion. You send her a message, but it was brief and only one message. You spiraled but recovered and are eating healthier and exercising more. Chin up, love where you plan to focus.
