Just looking for advise. I started last Wed. This approach. We have been married for 20 years. 5 weeks ago she filed for divorce. I knew things were not great but never saw divorce coming. I left for three weeks to give her space. Of course after week 2 I wrote her a letter, told her how much I loved her. All the wrong stuff. After reading the book I decided to try this approach.
Was feeling better about myself until Sat. Night. She found a way to suck me in to a conversation and it escalated. I was calm and used a soft tone and that angered her even more. Said she does not love me. Refuses to get help together and just wants out.
She wants to stay in control to keep the anger alive.
How do I get back to this approach. I feel everything I learned I screwed up. Time is not on my side final date is set for July and where we live it’s no fault state.
Decisions on selling house will be coming soon. This will really spark a fire with her.
Last edited by job; 03/23/2107:04 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the ONLY thing that may effect a woman like that.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away from you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
In terms of her feeling differently -- when you first met she didn't instantly want to marry you, then you got married and she didn't want to leave you, then at some point she did want to leave you. She was stubborn the whole time, made three decisions there and changed her feelings about the first two. That should prove to you that her feelings do change, and despite how she feels now, or what she says now, she may feel and do completely different things in the future. You have hard evidence of that.
Buckle your seatbelt because the ride is just beginning. She won't be done with you for a long time, nor will you be done with her. Assuming you have children together you will be intermeshed for the rest of your life.
Sorry you find yourself here. These situations are all too common and are usually very predictable once the BD happens.
It took a long time for your W to get to this point, and it will take a long time for this situation to resolve. Work on accepting the fact that there is nothing you can to do to change your W's mind right now. She's hellbent on getting a divorce and the more you resist that, the more she will dig her heels in.
Going forward, your best course of action is take any and all focus off your W and place it solely on you and your kids. Get yourself into therapy if you need it. Talk to your doctor and get anti-depressant meds if you need them. Join a gym and start rebuilding your body and most importantly, leave your W alone.
Come here often and post how you are doing and what you are feeling. And if you feel a strong pull to reach out to your W, come here FIRST and tell us what you plan to do. We will help you stay in your lane and make sure you don't dig yourself a deeper hole.
Every one us here understands the pain, fear, and panic you are feeling. It will get better with time if you follow the advice here, I promise.
Tell us more about your marriage. I assume you have kids?
Just looking for advise. I started last Wed. This approach. We have been married for 20 years. 5 weeks ago she filed for divorce. I knew things were not great but never saw divorce coming. I left for three weeks to give her space. Of course after week 2 I wrote her a letter, told her how much I loved her. All the wrong stuff. After reading the book I decided to try this approach. Was feeling better about myself until Sat. Night. She found a way to suck me in to a conversation and it escalated. I was calm and used a soft tone and that angered her even more. Said she does not love me. Refuses to get help together and just wants out. She wants to stay in control to keep the anger alive. How do I get back to this approach. I feel everything I learned I screwed up. Time is not on my side final date is set for July and where we live it’s no fault state. Decisions on selling house will be coming soon. This will really spark a fire with her.
kruse, if you think that 180ing is going to stop the D, then I do not think you understand the approach. The approach is for you to focus on you and your actions, stop doing things that drove her away in the first place, and then give it time and space to see if it can have an impact. But the key is that you have to give it that time and space. There is no race here. Whether or not she ends up going through with the D doesn't impact this. There have been plenty of couples of that have D'd and then reconciled weeks, months or years afterward. Whether or not she goes through with the D is out of your control.
Just keep working on you, and working on your 180s. Become the best version of yourself that you can. Become a man only a fool would leave. This means you remove all of your focus from her, and put it on you:
GAL. Do not sit around idle and stew on your situation get out there and live your life. 180s. Keep working on self-improvments. Don't stop learning and growing. Finally, detach. Work on getting to a place where her words and actions do not trigger you emotionally. This will be tough at first but as you continue to GAL and 180 and focus on you, you will get better at it. She will have many reactions to your lack of reacting (anger is one of them). You do not control her reactions, only yours.
kruse, sorry you are here and sorry you are going through this. But focus on what you can control, and that is you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As others have said - this is a marathon, and not a sprint.
You need to behave exactly as if she’s already divorced you - because in her mind, she already has.
No more letters or begging or contact. There’s no bigger waste of energy than trying to negotiate with a terrorist, or try to fill a cup that’s already full.
The BEST thing you can do is accept that this is how things are for now, and no matter what you do right now, you can’t change it in the short term. This stands you in good stead for either the possibility of divorce or later reconciliation.
As stated above, run (don’t walk) in the complete opposite direction. If it’s meant to be, she will come back. And if it’s not meant to be, you’ve saved 6-12 months in rebuilding your life.
The BEST thing you can do is accept that this is how things are for now, and no matter what you do right now, you can’t change it in the short term. This stands you in good stead for either the possibility of divorce or later reconciliation.
As stated above, run (don’t walk) in the complete opposite direction. If it’s meant to be, she will come back. And if it’s not meant to be, you’ve saved 6-12 months in rebuilding your life.
Nailed it!
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Thank you all for your comments and kind words. I have fallen back into doing all the wrong things. Today I will stand strong. I will focus on Me and my kids. My kids are adults my 19 year old I can see is struggling with this as well. We talked last night a bit. I gave her what she has been bugging me for on splitting up our belongings, We had property we listed for sale with a relator and our house was appraised so we have an idea of what we can expect if we list or one of us keeps it. We have almost 4 months before final court date so Im not pushing or rushing anymore. Ball is in her court on how she wants to proceed. I am going to focus on the 180 and rebuild myself
I gave her what she has been bugging me for on splitting up our belongings, We had property we listed for sale with a relator and our house was appraised so we have an idea of what we can expect if we list or one of us keeps it. We have almost 4 months before final court date so Im not pushing or rushing anymore. Ball is in her court on how she wants to proceed. I am going to focus on the 180 and rebuild myself
Re: this part, I don't have enough info here, but make sure you know that DBing and 180ing does not mean being a doormat and giving up things you are entitled to just to appease your STBXW in the D proceedings. Again I know I don't have the facts but the first sentence that I quoted just gave me pause. But sure, there is a cost-benefit analysis here and being agreeable and even giving up a little in a compromise might make sense rather than paying lawyers 100s of dollars an hour to hash things out.
And yes, do your best to support your kids. Even adult kids will need help dealing with this, and that's part of your job as a parent. Other than that your job is to work on you.
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
Thank you all for your comments and kind words. I have fallen back into doing all the wrong things. Today I will stand strong. I will focus on Me and my kids. My kids are adults my 19 year old I can see is struggling with this as well. We talked last night a bit. I gave her what she has been bugging me for on splitting up our belongings, We had property we listed for sale with a relator and our house was appraised so we have an idea of what we can expect if we list or one of us keeps it. We have almost 4 months before final court date so Im not pushing or rushing anymore. Ball is in her court on how she wants to proceed. I am going to focus on the 180 and rebuild myself
Adult kids sometimes have a harder time with D than minor kids do. In fact, that is how MWD got into the marriage, anti-divorce business is that her parents D'd when her and her siblings were adults, and she was stunned, saddened, and devastated by it. The end of MR with kids involved is never easy on anyone, regardless of the ages of the kids. So I applaud you for wanting to do all you can to hold things together. But the problem is that the WAS has just as much say in the keeping of the MR, or the dissolution of it as you do. 2 to make a marriage, 1 to make a D. So focus on you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
