1) Seven months ago, I got the BD. I discover WW is having an EA. I beg/cry/plead with her to stop the EA and come back to our marriage, but she adamantly refuses, and she moves out of our home.
2) After 2-3 months of doing everything I'm not supposed to, I start pulling back, and I employ the last resort technique.
3) After another 2-3 months of that, I see she's still talking to the OM, so I decide to step it up and go dark (the "after the last resort" technique).
4) After going dark for 2 months, I contact her asking if she'd like to go to dinner with me. She accepts, we have an amazing time at dinner, we go back to my place, and we end up talking for 4 hours and we ultimately have sex. She tells me she's no longer talking to OM, that she misses me, and that she's very sorry for everything.
5) A couple of days later, I reach out to her to ask if she'd like to have dinner again. She declines, apologizes for sending me mixed signals, and says that she had a lapse in judgment. I foolishly try to reason with her about why having another dinner would be a good idea, and I impulsively call and text her (exactly the opposite of what I'm supposed to do). She, of course, maintains her cold and distant stance, and refuses to see me again.
I know I ruined it. I should not have pursued after the dinner. My question is: NOW WHAT? Is there any way to salvage this? I was so close.
Last edited by job; 03/13/2003:05 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
If you have the desire, time and patience, repeat step-4... but this time do not pursue in step-5.
Your mistake was pursuit. Be patient, let her reach out and propose next step at her pace. You can only specify your requirements and boundaries, but you need to show strength to be attractive.
Nothing is ruined... if you read enough threads on this board, this is just how it goes. You were not that close I've seen and heard similar things in my own sitch. They are confused, and anxious about going back to the old relationship. She was temp checking you, and throwing you breadcrums.
In the mean time, keep growing yourself... detach and GAL.
I mean this frankly, not to be mean, you may not have been "so close".
I would go back to not contacting her, especially since it seems like no kids are involved. It seems like she has some interest, or else she wouldn't talk your ear off for 4 hours. But she isn't ready to come back as you found out a couple days after your "date". I would take the mindset of you want your lady to want you, and if not then see ya later. Now I know this is hard bc it's your wife right? But she apparently doesn't think that title matters right now.
When she BD'd you, did she say she wanted a divorce?
And how do you know she still talks to OM? Snooping? I'd quit that. It sounds like you need some GAL to fill your days out and keep yourself occupied.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
That [censored]. If it helps, I doubt you were as close as you think. If within 2 days of a great date she hasn't reached out to you, and when you call she's ready to decline another date and apologize for the mistake and mixed signals.. it doesn't seem like waiting another 5 days would've led to success.
Was your mistake the act of trying to reason and plead with someone who didn't want to date you--or being in a place that you feel the need to reason and plead with someone who doesn't want to date you?
I'm with OverTheRainbow--GAL--until that desperation melts away!
Feel your worth. Maybe she'll see it. If not, others will.
I wish you would of kept posting. You have to treat your W like a cat. What happens when you chase a cat it runs away. Let her wander around the neighborhood and when she doesn’t hear from you she will get curious again. When she contacts you again invite her over and then hangout have fun and hook up. Rinse recycle and repeat. Let her come to you at her pace.
You didn't mess anything up. Just learn from it. Expect distance from her after something good and don't pursue at #5 again. You will have to find yourself by GAL and realizing you can live without her, but you may still want her. Become strong and confident.
I feel like I mess things up all the time, but its a marathon. Not a straight line. Never will be.
You have to treat your W like a cat. What happens when you chase a cat it runs away. Let her wander around the neighborhood and when she doesn’t hear from you she will get curious again. When she contacts you again invite her over and then hangout have fun and hook up. Rinse recycle and repeat. Let her come to you at her pace.
Wise words. Also, you do no want to hook up every time. Sometimes you need to send her away desiring you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I mean this frankly, not to be mean, you may not have been "so close".
I would go back to not contacting her, especially since it seems like no kids are involved. It seems like she has some interest, or else she wouldn't talk your ear off for 4 hours. But she isn't ready to come back as you found out a couple days after your "date". I would take the mindset of you want your lady to want you, and if not then see ya later. Now I know this is hard bc it's your wife right? But she apparently doesn't think that title matters right now.
When she BD'd you, did she say she wanted a divorce?
And how do you know she still talks to OM? Snooping? I'd quit that. It sounds like you need some GAL to fill your days out and keep yourself occupied.
Yes, she has said she wants a divorce.
Also, I knew she was still talking to OM in the past because she admitted to it when I asked her.
Was your mistake the act of trying to reason and plead with someone who didn't want to date you--or being in a place that you feel the need to reason and plead with someone who doesn't want to date you?
I guess I was just thinking that if we both had such a great time, it would be bonkers to NOT want to do it again. I guess she's bonkers. :-)
I've seen and heard similar things in my own sitch. They are confused, and anxious about going back to the old relationship. She was temp checking you, and throwing you breadcrums.