New M, new WAW

[BL42]

mako,

Saturday afternoon she asked if I wanted to watch some TV with her. So I did for a bit. Bad decision. Out of the corner of my eye I see she keeps glancing at her phone and then I can see her typing on what appears to be Bumble. There it is.

Brings back ugly memories. My W & I were watching a show we always watched together yet she sat on the other couch and texted the entire time. She told me it was with her best friend, but I knew for certain it was OM1. She would also lay down with our son to put him to bed then stay there till midnight or 1am texting OM1 while he was in his bathroom or hiding in his truck in the garage. One time I went out late at night for medicine for our son (in another town because the local drug stores were closed) and I came back and instead of being thankful she was texting the guy at how annoying I was...going out for medicine for our child. It's amazing what they'll do behind your back or even right in front of your face. It also demonstrates how angry (reasonable or not) they are at us to disrespect us so much. Because of my snooping (stopped long ago) I have better insight into how much she distained me (probably redirecting her anger or guilt at me so I'm to blame for her actions) and how disrespectful and far gone she was/is. Don't underestimate that in your sitch. It could seem cordial at the surface but be extremely nasty not far underneath (even if you don't deserve it and it doesn't seem possible).

I tell her "I'm going to go, you're going to do what you want but I'm not going to sit here in the same room with you while you chat with other guys, I have too much self respect for that."

Good for you! That's stronger than I was at the time. Don't put up with her immoral, disrespectful behavior.

She apologized and said that was fair, she is not sleeping with anyone, she isn't emotionally or physically available to anyone right now, she just likes to talk and there are a lot of nice people who have gone through the same thing. Ok. Definitely a dating app is where you go to talk about your problems, not an IC or something. And I'm sure these guys joined a dating app just looking to have a nice little supportive talk.

She apologized...but not enough to uninstall Bumble I bet. Words are easy, but she's still doing the same action (albeit maybe slightly more discrete going forward).

If it had ended there it would have been fine, but we ended up in a R talk. It was actually a decent talk for a while but ended up with too much rehashing of stuff. I know exactly how to DB but when I'm in the moment I just don't follow through. I was unhappy and just left and took a long walk. This would have been a good time to GAL but I was really not in the mood, being outside a while cleared my head though.

Lesson learned (AGAIN). Do not hang out as if you're friends. Do not hang out as if you're friends. Nothing good will come of it. This is not going to happen anymore. If I'm home I will hang out with the kids or with myself. I don't need her to help me spend my time.
...
We talked a little about detaching and letting go and we agreed that was something I needed to do. I'd like to think I am finally ready. TBH it's a lot harder when you're under the same roof, but I'll get there.

As LM19 said, it's brutal to be IHS and have your wife shopping around behind your back (or worse in front of you). You'll get relief when she moves out.

She apologized and said that was fair, she is not sleeping with anyone, she isn't emotionally or physically available to anyone right now, she just likes to talk and there are a lot of nice people who have gone through the same thing.

Oh yeah. So the new panties aren't for you, I wonder who they can be for? Hmmmm.....

Prep yourself. There's a very good chance she has done physical with someone else, and is lying through her teeth about it - mine did, as did so many others in sitches on this board. The bumble/texting could be "just" emotional and non-physical, but as LH19 points out...why the new panties? They're not for nobody.

These things are so predictable.

Time to focus solely on you and your kids. If she wants out, let her go.

Yep.

[mako]

mako,

...

Prep yourself. There's a very good chance she has done physical with someone else, and is lying through her teeth about it - mine did, as did so many others in sitches on this board. The bumble/texting could be "just" emotional and non-physical, but as LH19 points out...why the new panties? They're not for nobody.

Yep, I know it. At a minimum she is quite clearly actively shopping for an EA, and I just have to assume a PA is not far behind and would be welcome if it hasn't happened already. Of course to her the M is over so it doesn't matter.

On that note, she said the other day she was going out tonight, and she just left. I am trying to detach and not care. I know that's the thing to do, and I would love to not care. But I'm not there.

[SteveLW]

I remember one Friday night early in my sitch, my WW locked herself in the guest bathroom. I knew she was communicating with other man. I remember the shame at actually being tempted to look under the door to spy on her. I didn't, but later found the nude pictures with the timestamp of late Friday night (~midnight) and early Saturday morning.

IHS is not for the faint of heart, that is for sure. I think I've been accused of trying to make it sound easy, that has never been my intent. Only that physical separation is just as difficult. I don't think one is easier than the other, it is just a different set of difficulties that come with each one.

[LH19]

Steve85 I mean SteveLW

Why in your mind is physical separation just as hard?

[mako]

To me, physical separation was far easier as far as my W was concerned. Maybe a little bit of out of sight out of mind, I don’t know. I certainly thought about her and my sitch but I think the distance was helpful. The rest of it was harder, but that was more due to not being at home.

With IHS the sitch and her are just in my face all day. Working from home doesn’t help but that can’t be changed.

Separation where I’m home and she’s gone seems better, but if she doesn’t leave I have no legal basis to kick her out. So either I leave or live with IHS.

[OnlyBent]

Brings back ugly memories. My W & I were watching a show we always watched together yet she sat on the other couch and texted the entire time. She told me it was with her best friend, but I knew for certain it was OM1. She would also lay down with our son to put him to bed then stay there till midnight or 1am texting OM1 while he was in his bathroom or hiding in his truck in the garage. One time I went out late at night for medicine for our son (in another town because the local drug stores were closed) and I came back and instead of being thankful she was texting the guy at how annoying I was...going out for medicine for our child. It's amazing what they'll do behind your back or even right in front of your face. It also demonstrates how angry (reasonable or not) they are at us to disrespect us so much. Because of my snooping (stopped long ago) I have better insight into how much she distained me (probably redirecting her anger or guilt at me so I'm to blame for her actions) and how disrespectful and far gone she was/is. Don't underestimate that in your sitch. It could seem cordial at the surface but be extremely nasty not far underneath (even if you don't deserve it and it doesn't seem possible).

Reading what BL has said here, its like we've lived the same events. The positive to take from this, knowing that we seem to have all been through the same thing, means IT IS NOT US!

[OnlyBent]

Steve85 I mean SteveLW

Why in your mind is physical separation just as hard?

Physical separation is a breeze compared to the 2 months of IHS hell that I experienced. It drove me to a pretty dark place. Having your W lie about where she is staying at night, coming home to an empty house knowing that she is at OM's, seeing your W constantly on her phone. Awful stuff.

[mako]

Physical separation is a breeze compared to the 2 months of IHS hell that I experienced. It drove me to a pretty dark place. Having your W lie about where she is staying at night, coming home to an empty house knowing that she is at OM's, seeing your W constantly on her phone. Awful stuff.

I agree with you as I indicated above. But everyone is probably different. I'm not sure that I see the pros of IHS. Maybe as I begin to make changes W is more likely to see them, maybe if she was having second thoughts it'd be easier to R with both in the same location. But I really don't think she's going to stop prior to selling the house and D, so I don't think that is really relevant to my sitch.

I had kind of steeled myself to the idea that W might not come home last night but she ended up back at 8. I was standing next to the door talking to my S when she came in, I just said hello finished with S and went to bed. Throughout the day I actually got progressively sicker and feel like I have the flu. I got the flu shot this year, would be really angry if I get COVID about a month out from the vaccine being available. Unfortunately I was planning to go out tonight but I think that isn't going to happen.

I know it seems like I'm too focused on her, and I am. You all know how it is. Working on it.

[SteveLW]

We have had some physically separated posters here that struggled mightily. One in particular I remember from a couple of years ago. So I don't want anyone to think that physical separation is a cake-walk compared to IHS. As I stated above, they both have their own set of unique difficulties, especially when kids are involved and you have to start doing the dropoffs and picksups during physical separation.

However, the posters that struggle the most regardless of IHS or PS usually have one thing in common: they do GAL terribly. The poster I mentioned above had dozens of reasons he couldn't do GAL. So he would sit and stew in his situation. That is not good for anyone in any situation. Which is why one of the first pieces of advice is to go out and GAL and stay busy!!

As other posters like to so often point out to me, I never did PS so I don't really know what it is like. But I can tell you from reading the other sitches here is that you will struggle just as bad with PS if you ignore good DB principles!

[mako]

We have had some physically separated posters here that struggled mightily. One in particular I remember from a couple of years ago. So I don't want anyone to think that physical separation is a cake-walk compared to IHS. As I stated above, they both have their own set of unique difficulties, especially when kids are involved and you have to start doing the dropoffs and picksups during physical separation.

However, the posters that struggle the most regardless of IHS or PS usually have one thing in common: they do GAL terribly. The poster I mentioned above had dozens of reasons he couldn't do GAL. So he would sit and stew in his situation. That is not good for anyone in any situation. Which is why one of the first pieces of advice is to go out and GAL and stay busy!!

As other posters like to so often point out to me, I never did PS so I don't really know what it is like. But I can tell you from reading the other sitches here is that you will struggle just as bad with PS if you ignore good DB principles!

I imagine you're probably right. GAL and staying busy are the prime way through. If you sit and stew you're going to be worse off no matter what your physical location. Whichever way helps the particular LBS adhere to DBing, which includes GAL and working on self and all that, is probably best for that particular person.