- Are you interested in New Woman because it appears over with STBXW?
- Or are you over STBXW because of your new interest in New Woman?
This is why I highly highly highly suggest NOT dating until after you have worked through the emotional baggage with an Ex. You will NEVER be able to truthfully answer the two questions above because truth be told you don't even know! You can convince yourself that the answer is yes to question #1.....but you will never really know because of the cloud of question #2!
So here is what happens: You struggle letting go of STBXW. Then New Woman comes along and suddenly you are over your STBXW and ready to move on. Things move quickly. You end up rushing into a new R, get married. A few years go by and suddenly the same issues that were present in your first MR begin to creep into the second MR.
This is a common tale. It is so common that when you look at the rate of D of second and third marriages it is much higher than the 50% first MR D rate. Why? Because people do not do the work before starting a new R. My concern for you here is that just a couple of weeks ago you were wanting to contact STBXW and tell her you were open to one last chance. Then suddenly you meet New Woman and are all in on moving on from STBXW. Shortcutting the end of one R to start another very rarely ends well.
Broken attracts broken. New Woman is only 2 years younger than you and never been married. You kind of have to wonder why, don't you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Broken attracts broken. New Woman is only 2 years younger than you and never been married. You kind of have to wonder why, don't you?
Be careful there with judgment Steve. Not everyone believes you have to be married because society says so. Maybe she doesn't believe in marriage. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her.
You're hurt at being rejected, and you maybe haven't worked through that pain? Being an A-hole is not beneficial to reconciliation, settling, co-parenting, or a happy life.
Originally Posted by Scott
She has her pain from her past and I have mine, and we've shared those stories. I was never really able to share my whole self with my ex; there were parts of me that she didn't seem to want to know or understand, and when I would share those parts, the most vulnerable parts she would hurt me with them or accuse me of manipulation.This new woman seems to accept those parts
See why Ginger says, "trauma bond"? If I go on a first, second, third date with someone and ex-pain becomes a significant conversational topic, I'm very likely skee-daddling for the next match. Now, MsOneMonth (who I dated a year ago too soon during a break with my ex) probed this area on maybe our 3rd date (unsuccessfully) to see if I had baggage. MsMyPeaks(28F) asked if I get along with my ex-wife on our 2-hour "not-a-date". I'm like, "Yeah, it was 10yrs ago, we co-parent pretty well." I'm not "hiding" anything, it's not a strategic answer, I'm not "holding back", I'm just 98% over whatever wrongs happened.
It would be hypocritical not to acknowledge I've done the same thing--so did Fireman and Wolfman. Rebounds feel good. There are studies showing they can help you get over your ex. I guess the yellow flags here are: (1) You're taking your rebound seriously without first figuring out what's important in your next partner and how to avoid past mistakes, and (2) After this fizzles, as rebounds tend to, you may want R again and this makes that less likely. Will it have been worth it?
New Woman is only 2 years younger than you and never been married. You kind of have to wonder why, don't you?
Originally Posted by LH
Be careful there with judgment Steve. Not everyone believes you have to be married because society says so. Maybe she doesn't believe in marriage. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her.
An article, "HARDER TO FIND GOOD PARTNERS AFTER 30", points out while 50% of people have a secure attachment style, only 25% of singles over 30 do. I think this speaks to the duality of the situation--many of us are single for a reason, but 1 out of 4 are highly eligible and available for no good reason. (:
The most important part, I think, is to be that 1 out of 4 people.
You can "Next" a bad match, but if you ARE a bad match, well, wherever you go, there you are.
New Woman is only 2 years younger than you and never been married. You kind of have to wonder why, don't you?
Originally Posted by LH
Be careful there with judgment Steve. Not everyone believes you have to be married because society says so. Maybe she doesn't believe in marriage. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her.
An article, "HARDER TO FIND GOOD PARTNERS AFTER 30", points out while 50% of people have a secure attachment style, only 25% of singles over 30 do. I think this speaks to the duality of the situation--many of us are single for a reason, but 1 out of 4 are highly eligible and available for no good reason. (:
The most important part, I think, is to be that 1 out of 4 people.
You can "Next" a bad match, but if you ARE a bad match, well, wherever you go, there you are.
Part of my caution to Scott is that there is a reason she never married. Not believing in marriage, when Scott clearly does, would be part of that caution!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Big difference between behaving as an A-hole and getting your core beliefs, actions and words in alignment with new positive behaviors.
Originally Posted by ScottB
...This new woman ..
Each woman is a unique opportunity to learn more about yourself as well another person. Practicing new behavior skills while single is also extremely important. There are some extremely wonderful women out there. Sifting for the one that gives you all four types of love is worth it.
Originally Posted by ScottB
... this message board was there for me.....
Great bunch of people.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Nah. There’s a misunderstanding- this isnt trauma bonding.
And I’m interested because I’m interested - she’s interesting. So is Kristi and Christine. Maybe I should be hanging with the fellas, i don’t know. But Jill is different. And I agree about rushing. I’ve brought this up in IC. For better or worse, I don’t get the feeling he thinks I’m rushing. I’m scared and aware of rushing, so I’ll probably take too much time, that feels more likely in a weird way. I don’t know.
And maybe divorce In a second marriage isn’t about people not doing the work; maybe instead they understand their value and don’t put up with BS as long - i know i won’t again.
On the A-Hole thing, I’m aware, that’s the first step. I did invite her in out of the cold to sit in my car. I just don’t cowtoe or placate her.
On this girl - she called off her wedding on her wedding day after dealing with some stuff. She wanted to see it through but the night before the wedding he made it clear he was not going to be a good partner. I can’t fault someone for the courage t took to call Something off as opposed to making a huge mistake.
And LH has a point, is marriage even the “goal”? I’m not so sure-one day at a time.
R2C is spot on in my opinion. I’m learning a lot about myself through interactions with other women. And I’m learning a lot about why my marriage didn’t work, what I want and need, what I like, etc.
Enjoy your singleness and interactions with other women. Don’t get all wrapped up in one woman because it is way to soon for you. Keep it light and have fun. Be in the moment.
Nah. There’s a misunderstanding- this isnt trauma bonding.
And I’m interested because I’m interested - she’s interesting. So is Kristi and Christine. Maybe I should be hanging with the fellas, i don’t know. But Jill is different. And I agree about rushing. I’ve brought this up in IC. For better or worse, I don’t get the feeling he thinks I’m rushing. I’m scared and aware of rushing, so I’ll probably take too much time, that feels more likely in a weird way. I don’t know.
I would prefer for your sake you take too much time, instead of ending up back her in a new MR.
Originally Posted by ScottB
And maybe divorce In a second marriage isn’t about people not doing the work; maybe instead they understand their value and don’t put up with BS as long - i know i won’t again.
Disagree. Wholeheartedly. I believe second marriages fail at a higher rate because broken attracts broken. Either both or one of the Ss in a second marriage never dealt with their emotional baggage, carry it into a new R, and eventually that rears its ugly head. But I won't try to convince you, I just pray you don't learn this the hard way.
Originally Posted by ScottB
On the A-Hole thing, I’m aware, that’s the first step. I did invite her in out of the cold to sit in my car. I just don’t cowtoe or placate her.
As I've stated before, it isn't like your sitch is brand new. I would rather you trend towards the jerk end of the spectrum rather than the marshmallow end. So many LBSs try to nice their WAS back. And while you can't mean her back either, being a little distant or cold is better than being too available and present. Read Steve_'s thread to see what I mean!
Originally Posted by ScottB
On this girl - she called off her wedding on her wedding day after dealing with some stuff. She wanted to see it through but the night before the wedding he made it clear he was not going to be a good partner. I can’t fault someone for the courage t took to call Something off as opposed to making a huge mistake.
Can't disagree with this. However, it raises other questions. Like why wait until the day of the wedding to recognize he wouldn't be a good partner? Seems like something that could have been figured out long before then. And remember, you are hearing one side of the story. There are always three: Yours, Mine and The Truth
Originally Posted by ScottB
And LH has a point, is marriage even the “goal”? I’m not so sure-one day at a time.
I've been accused of thrusting my morals on others in this forum....so I won't. But I will ask you to examine your own moral compass on this. Are meaningless flings with no commitment what ScottB wants?
Originally Posted by ScottB
R2C is spot on in my opinion. I’m learning a lot about myself through interactions with other women. And I’m learning a lot about why my marriage didn’t work, what I want and need, what I like, etc.
I don't necessarily agree with R2C's theories on interacting with women. But hey it works for him. Maybe it will work for you. But I think you need to honestly look at the questions I asked above: Are you interacting with women because you are over your STBXW? Or are you trying to get over your STBXW by interacting with women?
Answering yes to the second question, in my humble and meaningless opinion, is not a healthy approach.
And yes, by all means! Find some fellas to hang with! Hanging with my buddies in the thick of my sitch saved my sanity.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
