Steve_ Facing reality Part 1.

[Traveler]

I’m 2x4 ing myself for this plenty. But go for it.

What's the point, Steve? You knew your actions were illogical, abnormal, and unhealthy for you and your kids. That's why you didn't seek outside advice likely to challenge your urges before you acted on them.

[mtb1981]

I’m 2x4 ing myself for this plenty. But go for it.

What's the point, Steve? You knew your actions were illogical, abnormal, and unhealthy for you and your kids. That's why you didn't seek outside advice likely to challenge your urges before you acted on them.

^^^This...

[JosephS]

No real point in 2x4s. You won’t listen to them.

Until you face reality nothing will change.

You keep pointing out how lucky she is to have you, and how wonderful you are, How everyone says how lucky she is to have you and how everyone can’t believe she’d leave you. I’m half way wondering if you are a narcissist who can’t accept how someone could leave someone as wonderful as you. I thought maybe it was a self esteem issue, but I can’t imagine someone who could take the amount of emotional punishment you have and keep coming back for more with a smile on their face. Idk though. I’m curious why you refuse to do what’s best for the kids too. I don’t know though, I’m not a professional nor claim to be.

[joejoe1]

Steve,

I have been here before. I called myself the crumb/crush eater doing the timeframe of my W being Wayward. I was like a little mouse on the lookout for my WW crumbs to drop. And than everytime I would pick up that crumb, I would be siting around waiting for a little more, for it never to come.

The only difference between you and I. I got fed up a lot quicker than you. I divorced my wife in my emotion and heart, before I had to divorce her on paper. And we were living together. I couldn't take the pain any longer. I dealt with the grief and start to go about my life. My wife crumbs were dropping and I started to look at her, smile and say no thank you. It was hard at first, because, I was so worried about her getting upset, her getting mad by my rejection. But I kept listening to the Vet's on here and the reading I was doing, and one day, I didn't care about how she felt, I starting caring more about my healing and raising my boys, than her emotions/feelings.

You are stuck in mouse mode. The more you distance your emotions from her actions and reactions, the more healing will take place for you. The more you heal, the more your logical thinking will kick in.

You asked why see keeps sending you pictures and saying nice things (those are her crumbs) because she know you are eating them up and that's her little hook in you. Stop feeding off those crumbs.

[SteveLW]

Steve, you're in the same boat as another current poster on here. You are not going to change because people do not change unless they want to. The only way you will change and get out of your current rut is to admit that this is bigger than you and go get the psychiatric care that you desperately need. Just like this other poster I refer to above, you seem unwilling and simply flat out refuse to get that help. There really is nothing else that can be said to you here. You've read it all before, dozens of times. You are like Charlie Brown, no matter how many times Lucy pulls that football away you're still going to attempt to kick it and fall flat on your back every time.

Go get the help you need to tell Lucy to take her ball and go home!

[Ready2Change]

Hi Steve,

Not following your sitch, but read your last post and the reply from others. Sounds like you are having an extremely hard time DBing.

I know others will read this post and they may benefit, so I will give my 2 cents.

WW. Had suggested we hang out and spend time together learning how to interact again. Like a fool I thought this would be a good idea. So I asked if she was free.

Everything could have been different if you made different choices. First off, asking if she was free is pursuit (Beta, unattractive) behavior. Do not pursue women. Let women pursue you.

One of the most important skills you should learn with this woman is how to reject her. You do it will style. You do not do it out of anger. You learn to do it with a gleam in your eyes. You do it out of self respect for yourself.

You do this and you pass the test.

This is how it should have went:

W:"Lets hang out and spend time together learning how to interact again."
H:"I don't believe that is a good idea." (and maybe add "I got to go" and leave.)

Right there, this puts her into pursuing you. Even if it is to string you along, she has to work HARDER for you to take the bait. If she does work harder, keep rejecting.

I had more typed out, but deleted since you are not ready for that advise.

[Steve_]

Not even mad at you Joseph, I can totally see how it can seem that way. Stepping out of the sitch for a moment and kind of looking back at it I gotta be honest I have some regrets for how things have unfolded and also Im okay with some of it too.

Yes absolutely I should have been able to detatch from this sitch but I havent. I have struggled to find this place in my head where im okay with just letting go of it. I felt like when my WW left me for OM she told me it was becaause he "gave her attention, could talk to her for hours, became a great friend and things just went from there over a few weeks"

So in my mind I was like well she thought idgaf about her, was into my own hobbies and didnt acknowledge her existance, so let me just be there for her while she makes this colossal mistake. And I was, and she did, and OM and her ended things and still she is out there "confused" and "isnt ready" to commit to the M since she has "always been in relationships". So in my LBH mind I was like, okay Steve so WW says you didnt care, then you handle yourself, take care of yourself and be there for her and in a matter of time she will realize she was wrong... Yeah no. Thats not gonna happen. I suppose all the advice here seemed so opposite of what I felt I should do it was just hard to take. Hard to actually think that letting her go would have made a better difference. At this point all I can do is let her go, Ive been trying to do super H for months and that isnt working. Just like Sandi's posts say and Steve and LH and Cwarrior and a lot of vets post that Super H is actually a push-away. But Im okay with what I did, because If i pushed her away its honestly for the best, I dont need to be saving this M. And at least my kids got to see the fact that dad did really love mom and try to do the right thing before he gave up and im okay with that.

At this time I dont really care anymore about the outcome. I was very into trying to seem like such a good guy and blah blah to work out hard, be super dad, super h all that so I would become attractive to her. What actually happened is I became less attractive to her and a lot more attractive to other women around me. Which was not my intention at all. I have spent more and more time just talking to other women from work other nurses and stuff just about thier relationships and mine and so on and its interesting to see the perspective from the other side.

Last night WW contacts me to tell me that the kids need backpacks for school, she knew this, and forgot or whatever and she was heading to work at the restaraunt and wouldnt have time. So I went and got the backpacks, packed them with the stuff for school and put them in bed so my MIL could get some rest. Ww responded "your my angel" when she got home. I responded, "thanks, goodnite". That was all. And for once It didnt make me feel "good" like a nice little H. It made me feel stupid like an idiot. But it was for the kids and they needed to have that stuff squred away, it was the first day back at school. I decided to take up a work shift today, I wonder if she actually got up and made them go to school. I doubt it. At this time im slowly starting to accept just how crappy she is as a person. But I guess I needed to feel like I did the Super H BS for awhile before I quit. Im not gonna be able to just up and stop for a little longer, I know me, wont even lie. But I am trying and I do NOT ask her out, or for anything at all. After my 1/2 shift is over Im going to go fishing and later on I will call my kids and ask them how 1st day back at school was. Thats it.

I feel like I had to try to do something, anything to save my M and I feel like I did my best. Now its okay if I want to give up, I tried and I wouldnt have been able to just walk off if I didnt, even if it was the right thing to do. Again its okay because If I ruined my recon possiblility by pursing her thats fine, its not an M I need to be in anyhow. Im actually okay other than the WW games. Life is pretty easy and pretty good. I got lots of friends im spending more and more time with, and the kids are happy with dad and we do tons of things together. So Ill just keep doing that and let her do whatever it is she wants to do, it doesnt matter anyway.

[JosephS]

Steve,
I don’t want to make you mad. I want you to see how this looks from every angle. I had an incredibly tough time myself accepting reality. It’s weird what we can accept but we almost have a hard time believing the most simple truth of all. Our spouses are unfortunately liars. This is why you believe nothing of what they say any only half of what they do. (In terms of our marriages)

I feel for you more than I let on. Tough love is just sometimes what the doctor ordered. I had so much help here, I owe so many people so much, but particularly Ginger said somethings on my thread that really helped me see I wasn’t being the best me. I wasn’t the best father. I wasn’t the best man. I wasn’t the best anything. I wasn’t horrible and certainly didn’t deserve what happened, but I played my part. I was absent and neglectful. That doesn’t mean I deserved what happened. It sure as heck doesn’t mean my kids deserved anything they got, but I was never going to be in a good honest decent relationship if I didn’t change my ways too.

For us Steve, this isn’t about saving our marriages. They are dead. This is about saving ourselves and far more importantly our children. What I want you to see is this isn’t the end, this should be the beginning. Because if you can let her go, see your mistakes (and you make them trust me, you’ve lashed out on here and done some questionable things) you will be the best version of yourself for you, your kids, and the next woman who does deserve you.

I am truly sorry you are going through this. I truly feel for you. Some marriages can be saved. Some should be. I am a big believer in forgiveness for yourself and your partner. But another hard reality is you can’t forgive someone who isn’t sorry. And trust me, your W isn’t sorry. And she very well may never be, but if she is, it should be too late.

I was with my W since I was 20. 16 years. Darn near half my life. She was my everything. In retrospect it wasn’t healthy. But it was what it was. I couldn’t imagine a day without her face, a day without her voice, her smile, her smell. She was my everything. Quite literally. I cried a many of nights wondering why me? What did I do? Accept it for what it is, why me was because I was blind to who she was and what I did to deserve this was nothing. As far as I can tell you’re in the same boat.

What I wish you could see is the unlimited opportunities for happiness and love once you climb this mountain. I’ve been with someone now who I have a very healthy connection with, and I wouldn’t trade this entire experience for the world. I am so much better off and happier. I just want you to join me at the top of the mountain and see what I do.

[LH19]

Steve,

This goes back to one I have asked you many times that you never answer.

What can we do for you?

[Thornton]

As Corey Wayne would say... you can't make good wine out of bad grapes.

Your WW is a bad grape, Steve. And she always will be, she's proven that time and time again.