It was MLC. Now I am calling moving forward.

[kml]

Also bear in mind - there are other reasons why a 13 year old might not want to come:
She wants to hang with her friends in the neighborhood
She doesn't want to be around the GF
She's afraid her mother will be hurt if she goes
She's afraid her mother will go out partying if she goes to your place
She's afraid she can't hide something at your place that she's hiding successfully from her mom (eating disorder, substance abuse, boyfriend sneaking in the bedroom at night - yes, I know she's 13, but you have to start thinking of these possibilities).

[Ready2Change]

Hi wolf. Sorry to hear about the status of things.

I had court yesterday and what a disaster.....2 weeks ago she filed a petition for sole custody....my daughter as suicide ideation....that I am mentally and emotionally abusive to my children....physically abused her in front of the kids....that I encourage my GF to belittle and put my children down.

If my X was doing any of those things, I would never drop the charges as part of the negotiations. I can assume other parents here would agree with me.

her lawyer said she will drop the petition if we drop ours. My ex has 42 contempt’s of court (42 days I was supposed to have my daughter and didn’t) plus me going for custody because I have screen shots of how my ex bashed me to my daughter. My lawyer dropped ours too,

These actions do not line up with someone concerned about the well being of the child.

her lawyer and my child’s lawyer said my daughter needs a break from me so they all agreed 2 weeks would be good for my daughter. So for the next 2 weeks I am not to see or contact my daughter.

This concerns me.

I have a question for all of you. I have spoke to a bunch of friends about my daughter. She is 13 do I just completely back off after the 2 weeks and wait for her to “wake” up and come to me or do I continue to force the issue?

This depends on how important your relationship with your daughter is to you. Since you dropped the contempt claims, you may have a harder time getting parenting time. Stick to your agreement about the two weeks and do not initiate and contact with your daughter. DURING THAT TIME, get your lawyer to confirm the first exchange with her lawyer (following whatever the current agreement is).

This is negotiation between the parents with the lawyers doing the talking. Parents set the rules and the children follow them. IF the parents disagree, then the legal system helps make the decisions. This is your to lose. That is what my lawyer told me. Wolf, your behavior will dictate how this comes out.

Do I let this go or do I refile and maybe get a new lawyer? Thanks

The lawyer is working for you. You are paying him to present you side of the story in the best light to the court system. Is he doing that?



Do not let fear control you. Make decisions based on WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR KIDS. Make decisions based on what is the RIGHT THING TO DO. That will most likely be the harder path for you.


My belief is the best things for the kids is to be in frequent contact with both of their parents. You have a special case, but you are the only one that can truly determine if that statement is true for your kids. Do you believe your kids need a relationship with their mother? Are you both toxic to your kids? Or maybe the way you interact?


Only you can reflect on everything that has happened in the past and change your behavior for the better.

If I was in your shoes, I would REQUEST that an independent profession observe both you and your wife during the exchanges and parenting time. If you are a good dad, that person will see that.


Parenting is hard work. Your job as a parent is to set and enforce boundaries. Rewarding positive behavior with freedom and bigger responsibilities. Restricting things when they act irresponsible. There is a balance. The older the children become the more autonomous they are to become. Setting them free at 18 to make good life decisions is the goal.


I wish you well my friend.

Regards,

R2C

[Wolfman]

Thank you everyone for those comments. This is going to be one bumpy road. Now my ex is refusing to bring my daughter to the therapist that my d and I go to together. She has a sense of power right now because everything got dropped in the court case. She feels like she cannot be touched. Also tomorrow the 2 weeks is up. I am supposed to start my regular parenting time tomorrow. So the question I have is this
1. I know my daughter is going to refuse to go with me, what do I do? Call the cops and file a report or just leave?
2. I am supposed to have my daughter for the weekend, I know she definitely won’t come, then what?
I am so heart broken I love my daughter so much and I know she is so confused. I am just at a loss.
I spoke with the psychologist we go to together and he said this is terrible she won’t bring my daughter. I told him, do you now see the parent alienation. I wish instead of him trying to be nice if he would have just reported the truth to the court.

[Traveler]

Hi Wolfman,

Wednesday was the first time she had nothing bad to say about me to the therapist, she actually said everything is fine.

I know my daughter is going to refuse to go with me

The combo of these two would seem to indicate your therapist is not getting the real scoop from your daughter. Given you are not close to her, Is it possible your ex may be right that your D is suicidal, believes some of your GF's behavior towards her was emotionally abusive? Please note, Wolf, I'm not saying you/she actually were.

I spoke with the psychologist we go to together and he said this is terrible she won’t bring my daughter.

There's a difference between your ex preventing the visit and your D preventing the visit. I don't know how far your state requires your ex to go, but I doubt she legally has to physically drag a teenager. What level of visitation would your D agree to--e.g., a few hours, a day-long visit, a hotel or air b&b you rent with no girlfriend? Can you do a visit that's within her comfort zone where you know she'd say yes? What does the child psychologist recommend?

I told him, do you now see the parent alienation. I wish instead of him trying to be nice if he would have just reported the truth to the court.

If they told you "It's parent alienation", but wouldn't write that in their court report, I'd be asking pointed questions. Why didn't they write that? Why wouldn't they tell the court? Maybe they are unqualified to make that diagnosis, or maybe they are uncertain but agreeing with you since you're paying them and there's no paper trail.

[Traveler]

I'll throw something out there that probably sounds crazy.

What if you told your ex-wife, "I get you are closer to D. I get D isn't excited to come over here. We both love D. I know we've had differences. I'd so appreciate any suggestions to make these visits a success."

You aren't admitting anything. You aren't agreeing to anything. You are soliciting her thoughts. Given you said you're letting her custody violations slide in court, she is in a power position.

[Dawn70]

I spoke with the psychologist we go to together and he said this is terrible she won’t bring my daughter. I told him, do you now see the parent alienation. I wish instead of him trying to be nice if he would have just reported the truth to the court.

So, here's my question, prompted somewhat by CW's response and somewhat specifically how you worded what you said, but you said you TOLD him do you now see parental alienation. You told him that, but did he say yes he saw it? Did he agree with you? Did he respond to that in any way? CW supposed that maybe he was uncertain but just agreeing since you are paying the bill or possibly not qualified to make that specific allegation. While I feel bad for you and the situation that you find yourself in with your D, you continue to just blame the XW and your D instead of looking at things that might be causing it from your side. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you or your gf are abusing your daughter or even necessarily doing anything wrong. Your D is a teenager and teenagers are MOODY, so she could just be behaving like a brat because she gets her way more in her mother's home. You seem to get laser-focused on one thing (in this case, parental alienation by your XW) and not really look at the bigger picture. I somehow doubt that the psychologist neglected to report "the truth" because he was just being nice. That isn't what psychologists are paid for. And, what, exactly is "the truth" or are you just frustrated because your version of the truth isn't matching up to the psychologist's?

[Ready2Change]

1. I know my daughter is going to refuse to go with me, what do I do? Call the cops and file a report or just leave?

You do what will make your relationship with your daughter better. Every interaction has the potential of making things better or worse.

Validate and empathize with your daughter. Document the event (Hopefully you have been keeping written records).

I didn't get as much one on one time with my kids as I would have liked. If she doesn't go, go have a great time with your son.

2. I am supposed to have my daughter for the weekend, I know she definitely won’t come, then what?

Document the event. Seek legal advise. Enjoy your time with your son.

[DejaVu6]

What R2C said. She is not a four year-old just refusing out of four year-old obstinance. At 13 years-old, she gets a say - whether you agree with it or not. If she says she doesn’t want to go, tell her you are really disappointed, that you would have loved to have been able to spend time with her because you miss her but that your respect her wishes. And...if she changes her mind about the weekend, she just has to call. And then, yes, go have fun with your son.

I know this sux Wolfman but you can’t force her. That would just add fuel to the fire and reinforce her view that you are someone to be avoided (I’m assuming that is her view currently). If her mom is telling her you are a controlling, abusive jerk, you can’t behave in a way that reinforces that. If you maintain a stable, understanding, empathetic and unconditional stance toward her, she will remember that - regardless of what her mom says. Just like in DB... whenever you get the opportunity, show her that you are not that person. I fully believe she will eventually come around - especially as extended time with her mom will not always be pleasant. And whatever you do, when she finally does come around, do NOT spend the time with her talking about the times she didn’t come and the reasons or putting down her mom as those two things would definitely backfire and not paint you in a good light. Just be in the moment and focus on enjoying your time with her.

Bottom line is that the only person you can control in this scenario is YOU. No one else. Be the kind of dad you would want to have if you were in her place. I know this is hard. It is awful that any kid be put in the middle of her parents like this. But, that’s the situation, even if you didn’t necessarily put her there. Take the pressure off of her. Continue to communicate your love and acceptance of her...even if she isn’t doing what you want her to be doing. It’s what is best for her and if it is best for her, it is ultimately best for you. (((HUGS)))

[Wolfman]

So when I was going to the psychologist he noticed some of these things. He said to me he couldn’t put that in the report (alienation) because his job was to just reunify us. He also did mention he sees the alienation but it’s not his job to put that in the report, just to report on how our relationship is. I asked if this is something you observed shouldn’t you put it in the report? He said no because his job was just to report to progress between my daughter and I. Very frustrating because that would have helped me in court. I also asked him what the goal was in a month, where does he he see my relationship with my daughter? He said hopefully you spending more time with her. I said if you don’t recommend more time she won’t do it. I just spoke with a new attorney who has been doing this for 25 years and said the psychologist should have been increasing the amount of time I spend with my d. If his job was to reunify and my d is stating that I am not doing anything wrong then he should of made it happen. Even the psychologist said my d can’t verbalize any reason why she doesn’t want to be with me or come to my home. My d does it because she does not want to disappoint her mom. She sees how her mom just cuts people out of her life and I am sure she is scared that could happen to her. Look my d therapist and the psychologist both told me I am the safe parent, that she knows I will always love her and forgive her. That came from both of them. I am speaking with my d therapist Saturday privately. She needs to know the truth. The truth is that one my d and ex make up the same lies.
Give you an example. Both said that my d has no problem with my ex’s bf and everything is great. The reality is I saw a text conversation between the 2 of them. How my d was eating he is there too much, she never spends time with them and my d exact words to her mom were, you are shoving him down our throat. Yet my d says to the therapist there are no problems that she likes when he is there. She covers for her mom. How can a therapist treat my d properly when she is not telling the truth. There are plenty others. Thank you all for your input. This is so hard. I miss my d so much and love her so much!!!!

[Ready2Change]

Wolf,

You have two independent tasks.

1) Behaving in a way that your daughter wants to spend time with you.

2) Fighting for your parenting rights.

You do number 1 in every interaction with your daughter. You do number 2 through emails with the mother (using lawyers, judges and other professionals as needed.)



Keep working on you. There is always room for more positive personal growth.

How many parenting books have you read since the BD? Are you a better parent now?