Wolf I think you do try to do the right thing as long as is doesn’t interfere with what you want. You have no idea what you did to your kids by having a gf before you were divorced then moving her in and knocking her up.
Wolf I think you do try to do the right thing as long as is doesn’t interfere with what you want. You have no idea what you did to your kids by having a gf before you were divorced then moving her in and knocking her up.
They didn’t know I had a GF till after 15 months of separating. I was divorced before they met her. It just wasn’t stamped by the judge yet. The last 2 parts I will agree with. She moved in 19 months after.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I'm not going to beat you up. I just did a quick scan through your threads, but your first wife sounds like a nightmare. And this girlfriend does not sound much better. What kind of grown woman is having sex with a not-yet-divorced man with two kids and isn't using adequate birth control? (Not that you shouldn't have had a condom on too, but really.) I mean, birth control does fail sometimes, so I'm not necessarily putting all the blame on her, but she has to own some responsibility too.
I don't have any good answers for you to your current problems, except to say don't get married just because GF is pressuring you to. She seems to be much too much like your ex.
A few things I would recommend: First is see your own counselor for YOU. Find out why you choose these women. Why you don't see the red flags. And what your part in these relationships is. YOU need to get healthier in order to have healthy relationships.
Second is re: your kids. It's awfully difficult with your ex filling their heads with negativity. But be consistent and loving and eventually (maybe years from now) they will know the truth. You may want to have a talk with your daughter at some point and explain to her that even though it LOOKS like you were the one that left the marriage by moving out those first few days, it was really your wife that wanted the split. Also, if you stay with GF, be prepared that your kids might never have a good relationship with them. Here's my sister's story:
My sister's first husband had an affair and left her a single mom with a 5 year old. She then started dating the gy who would become her second husband (call him B). B's wife had told him she wanted to go out and date and "see what's out there", which she did This didn't set well with B, understandably, and they separated. B then met my sister, started dating her, and eventually married her.
B had a daughter, "M", with his exW. My sister is a kind and loving person and tried to be an exemplary step-mother to M. However, M's mother planted in M's head early on that exW and B would have gotten back together if only my sister had not showed up, therefore my sister was responsible for their divorce. (Not her cheating openly on her husband!). M never warmed up to my sister with this implanted in her brain and has always been kind of awful to her. She's an adult now and is entitled and selfish. Her father died two years ago and she has been so awful to my sister that we are actually relieved that M cut off contact with my sister, as it was way too much drama and my sister is a people pleaser who was devastated by her inability to maintain a good relationship with her.
Third - you have an obligation to this new child you are bringing into this world. As such, you need to make sure the GF is safe and cared for during her pregnancy (not necessarily by you personally though!) and you will be financially responsible for this new life. This doesn't mean that you need to marry the GF, who sounds, personally, just as toxic as your ex.
AS for the whole cleaning and cooking thing? It sounds to me like she wanted to be a SAHM and was slipping into that role - now that you've made it clear you are not ready for marriage yet, she may want to spend more time looking for work (although she's not likely to get hired while pregnant, let's be clear) and less time playing wifey. That's fair.
Look, I know this isn't probably what you want to hear, but I don't think this relationship with the GF will work out, because she seems to have way too many red flags already. What you need to decide is how best to support your child. This might mean GF living with your through the infancy months (which really needs two people, it's exhausting, cannot imagine doing it alone) and that would give you time to bond with your infant. Or it might mean her returning to live with her parents (if that's an option) and you unfortunately will need to work harder to have a relationship with this child. Counseling together with her is a third option but from what I've read here, doesn't sound like a promising one.
I'm sorry you're in this position. Don't let all the drama keep your from being the best dad possible to the two kids you already have.
Welcome to the slower moving side of the board Wolf where we gossip and natter and while we have our fair share of "fixers" most of us aren't quite as passionate about it as you may have experienced previously. I know I was jumped all over in Newcomers and had running battles with numerous others. In fact, I'm the cause of some of the rules on these forums - naughty boy that I am
To paraphrase some guys "I'm the person your mother warned you about". I too have jumped into some relationships too quickly and dealt with the consequences. Nothing as serious as you have had to face but being middle-aged and dating post-menopausal women, some of the relationship risks go way down. But many still remain as I've learned to my sadness. LH has regularly referred to me as the poster boy of bad choices (waves).
The key thing that most of us ascribe to over here is that there's no rush for pretty much anything. Taking your time is a common theme.
Welcome.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Welcome to our little corner of the world, Wolf. I hate to disappoint LH, but I'm not going to beat you up too much either. I did go back and read through some of your threads and, oh mylanta, that is a LOT to unpack. I will say, just from what I read, my impression is that you spent a lot of time, at least a year or so ago, blaming your XW and being kind of all over the place. You spent a lot of time trying to convince everyone you are a good dad because when you have your kids, you do fun stuff with them. Honey, you know being a good dad is more than just being the fun guy. They need your time, your love, your affection, your attention, your boundaries and your discipline. They need your leadership and guidance. And, they need you and your XW both to NOT say negative things about each other. I'm not as convinced as you that your XW is poisoning your D against you and your gf because, honey, teenage girl hormones are THE WORST. Buckle up, buttercup, because it is going to be a hella bumpy ride to 18. When she gets to about 19 or 20, you will suddenly become wise again. Trust me. I married my XH when his daughters were 12, 14, and 16 and we went through it with all of them, but when they got to adulthood, we weren't so bad anymore. It is just how kids are.
My advice? Own your actions, your part of the D, your relationship with your children and your gf, and quit worrying about your XW. You can't control her or anything she does, so don't even try. It wastes energy that you could turn into a positive focus on your children and your life.
And, I totally agree with Andrew....take your time. That's just good life advice, in general.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
In there her reasons were are you ready for the ridiculous lies, my daughter as suicide ideation (yet neither on of the therapists has ever told me that and I ask them all the time how she is doing)
Hi Wolf,
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I have to say the courtroom interactions baffle me.
A family member went through a contentious divorce. They made accusations. Their ex made accusations. The court gave them each an opportunity to prove them. My family member could prove their allegations. Their ex could not prove their allegations. The court moved appropriately. I don't know why your lawyer would shy away from that process. It wasn't as complicated as TV dramas--mostly collecting sworn testimonies, official documents, etc. If they didn't consult or inform you of their choices in a way that made sense to you, if they didn't get the outcome they said they would, I'd have a conversation with them, and seek a second opinion if you don't like their answers.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She is 13 do I just completely back off after the 2 weeks and wait for her to “wake” up and come to me or do I continue to force the issue?
Maybe speak to your child psychologist? The DB mantras "I control me, you control you" don't apply to a 13-year-old. My D is better off with me in her life--even if I make her do homework and eat vegetables. Given the rift between you two, and you don't claim your ex is a bad mother, it's harder to answer what's the right path.
Just for LH, wagging my finger at introducing a pregnant GF so soon after D! More seriously, I moved-in a GF and her D with my kids, and my D is still slightly impacted two years later.
