Re-attracting back your ex is tricky. Others here have used this quote: "You never look more attractive than when you are walking away." Another anti-D expert I read in my sitch put it this way. She was talking to a woman that had left her husband, moved into her own place, was co-parenting with her LBH, but was carrying on a secret affair with another man that was the basis for her moving out, etc. The expert warned this woman, "right now you think you are in love with the OM, and that you are moving on from your H. You may even go through with the D, and move in with OM or even marry OM. However, at some point you will look back and realize that your H and MR wasn't so bad and that you made a mistake. This usually coincides with your ex-H moving on with another woman. Suddenly you will ask yourself why you did what you did!" This is why LH quotes me as having said that eventually, if you both live long enough, she will eventually regret her decision to leave you. And usually at that point the WAS will try to come back. It could be 6 months, it could be 60 years. So it isn't something you should be waiting on.
Sorry, I rambled there a bit, but the point is the best way to attract your ex back is to NOT try to attract her back. We recommend things like working out, updating your wardrobe and dressing better, improve your behaviors (we've had LBSs that were addicted to video gaming for instance, stopping that behavior), if you have bad hygiene/grooming then improve those. You do not do these things to attract your ex back, you do them to become a better person all around and to be more attractive in general! If you do it just to re-attract her she will smell a rat at 100 yards. So do it for YOU not her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Also I remember mid May of 2018 when I took back the master bedroom. I was scared. My WW was yelling at me. I had planned out what to say and stuck to that. "You having an affair, I am going to sleep in my bed. You can sleep elsewhere".
The words weren't particularly strong and I doubt my posture and tone were either, but it was a big step for me to take back the initiative - to become proactive and not reactive.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I married young to the sweetest guy on earth. I had never heard of NGS, but I quickly learned the hard way that my H was a poster boy for Mr. Nice Guy. I'll spare you the history, b/c it's quite long. I'll just tell you that his NGS killed the attraction I felt for him, b/c a wife's loving feelings are based on the level of respect she feels for her H. With that said, a LBH who has a WW needs to view his actions based on the respect factor. It doesn't matter if she cries, throws a fit, threatens, or whatever. What matters is that she learns to respect you as a man. Listen carefully. She has to respect you as a man, before she can respect you as her H. That's the starting line back to a promising healthy relationship.
She may not like you whatsoever, initially, but that's okay. Your goal is not trying to be likeable. Your goal is not to get on the good side of your WW. Your goal is to command respect under you own roof, and in all of your relationships. The problem nice guys seem to have, is not knowing exactly how to conduct themselves in order to get this respect from others. They jump from one end of the spectrum to the total opposite, and act more like a jerk than a self respecting man who has standards/principals. So, I'll warn you in advance, if you choose to accept this challenge......gear up for the unpleasant side of a wayward wife. The cheating is a symptom of her disrespect for you and your relationship together. You need to get that in your head. Prepare for the worst, and if you occasionally have moments of peace and some level of niceness from her......enjoy the moment, but don't think for a minute she has "changed". It takes time and consistent strength on behalf of the LBH, before her respect begins to return. Unfortunately, most WW's are very cunning, and most LBH's have trouble staying balanced and not fall for the tricks his WW pulls out of her bag. I encourage you to use this board daily as a source to stay balanced and on target.
I don't quote Sandi2 much. That is because almost every post of hers would be quoted. 18,632 posts. Go read as many as you can, you will be much wiser:
Well, in today's IC session the advice I got was to give my expectations of the future a rest - continue to work to stay in the present and focus on controlling the things I can control. Also to give myself space - meaning that I shouldn't be too hard on myself in regards to what I should be able to accomplish right now. This is a season of life and its okay to just get by for now.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This whole post was good, but this line really stood out to me:
Originally Posted by LH19
99.9% of the suffering on this board is because the LBS is in love with the fantasy of the person they want their WS to be and are not capable of being right now.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
We all get urges. The trick is to pause, write it down, and reflect on it before acting. The goal is to act in-line with your goals and values. Very few interactions or decisions must be made on-the-spot. You can almost always say, "I need time to consider it." This improves the quality of decisions. They still won't be perfect. We can only do our best.
E.g., a newly single acquaintance on my Facebook feed posted photos of her new hairdo yesterday. She asked me out years ago. Immediate urge--ask her out on a date. She's entering the "I want to look good" phase which usually means she's ready or close to ready to date and I'd probably be the first to ask her out. Reflection--no, I'm not dating now, and she doesn't match all the values I'm seeking anyway. When I date, it's okay if it takes awhile. My life is good solo and I only accept great matches.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the ONLY thing that may effect a woman like that.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away from you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
In terms of her feeling differently -- when you first met she didn't instantly want to marry you, then you got married and she didn't want to leave you, then at some point she did want to leave you. She was stubborn the whole time, made three decisions there and changed her feelings about the first two. That should prove to you that her feelings do change, and despite how she feels now, or what she says now, she may feel and do completely different things in the future. You have hard evidence of that.
Buckle your seatbelt because the ride is just beginning. She won't be done with you for a long time, nor will you be done with her. Assuming you have children together you will be intermeshed for the rest of your life.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
IF you do the work and apply what you have learned here, you will attract women far better for you than your WW ever was. It's just the natural result of DBing for YOU, and not trying to manipulate your W back into a relationship with you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I don’t want to make you mad. I want you to see how this looks from every angle. I had an incredibly tough time myself accepting reality. It’s weird what we can accept but we almost have a hard time believing the most simple truth of all. Our spouses are unfortunately liars. This is why you believe nothing of what they say any only half of what they do. (In terms of our marriages)
I feel for you more than I let on. Tough love is just sometimes what the doctor ordered. I had so much help here, I owe so many people so much, but particularly Ginger said somethings on my thread that really helped me see I wasn’t being the best me. I wasn’t the best father. I wasn’t the best man. I wasn’t the best anything. I wasn’t horrible and certainly didn’t deserve what happened, but I played my part. I was absent and neglectful. That doesn’t mean I deserved what happened. It sure as heck doesn’t mean my kids deserved anything they got, but I was never going to be in a good honest decent relationship if I didn’t change my ways too.
For us, this isn’t about saving our marriages. They are dead. This is about saving ourselves and far more importantly our children. What I want you to see is this isn’t the end, this should be the beginning. Because if you can let her go, see your mistakes (and you make them trust me, you’ve lashed out on here and done some questionable things) you will be the best version of yourself for you, your kids, and the next woman who does deserve you.
I am truly sorry you are going through this. I truly feel for you. Some marriages can be saved. Some should be. I am a big believer in forgiveness for yourself and your partner.
I was with my W since I was 20. 16 years. Darn near half my life. She was my everything. In retrospect it wasn’t healthy. But it was what it was. I couldn’t imagine a day without her face, a day without her voice, her smile, her smell. She was my everything. Quite literally. I cried a many of nights wondering why me? What did I do? Accept it for what it is, why me was because I was blind to who she was and what I did to deserve this was nothing. As far as I can tell you’re in the same boat.
What I wish you could see is the unlimited opportunities for happiness and love once you climb this mountain. I’ve been with someone now who I have a very healthy connection with, and I wouldn’t trade this entire experience for the world. I am so much better off and happier. I just want you to join me at the top of the mountain and see what I do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You ever watched the workout for a professional sports player getting ready for the start of a season? If not, what you will see, is multiple players, yelling, screaming, people giving up because the workout is too hard, and then you have a coach, calling them all out for being weak. He's tough on them, not because, he's mean, but because he knows the season that's coming up is even tougher.
I think a lot of Newcomers come here and take the comments to heart and think posters are being mean to them, but in reality they are preparing them for the season ahead, we all know how grueling it will be, and being nice won't cut it, we have to be tough, because if not, than the messages/comments won't sink in. Also, look around, the posters, never gave up on you. They keep posting, because you are worth it.
Reserve yourself in understanding that emotional detachment is not easy and it takes a conscience effort to achieve. Will you be perfect no, not to many people going thru a situation for the first time, does everything right in the beginning without mistakes. Take this process, one moment/day at a time. You will heal/grow/learn and become better for going thru this season.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
