Steve_ Facing reality Part 1.

[Steve_]

LH,

At this juncture I suppose there is nothing yall can do. You've given me advice I didnt take on how to DB to save an M. The more I posted about the M and the way I responded to her the more evident it became to you guys and myself that its a toxic WW and the M should be let go. So honeslty there really isnt much to do now. I guess I needed to get people to tell me how to save this M and after months of pouring out all the stuff here its pretty obvious to me that I really should not save this M. I need to take what I've learned about what I can do better and move on to something new and better (eventually). If I was still really trying to save the M I would post all the transactions here, the baby steps the etc etc, but there isnt any. Its just WW throwing bread crumbs until the next OM pops up and I get fully replaced. I see that, finally. I didnt think it at first, thought I could like out-love this WW. But no, not gonna happen.

Ive realized I dont need to be anything, not nice, not mean, not anything at all. Just be me, do my own thing and stop doing anything for my M, its over. And even if there was significant change and this M could ever be okay again it will take a long time and it will take me totally detaching and letting her crash land in reality land which I havent been able to do over fear of losing her. But actually losing her may just be the exact thing I need to do. So Im gonna switch gears. Honestly her own mother told me last night to stop. Stop letting her use me, stop trying to be mom and dad and just let her F up. She will care for the kids while they are there and she knows I take care of them when they are with me so just to stop trying so hard and let her fail. Guess that advice kinda hit me, in addition to everything Ive got here. Its time to give up, throw in the towel, no more M saving techniques or books or anything else. Just time to quit and save myself. Jump ship and swim away.

Whatever happens next is in God's hands. Im gonna just do what I can each day and not sweat the rest. Trying to make anything work never works for me. I truly appreciate all the tough love and the patience. I will be okay, I know it. Just was hard to imagine a world that doesnt include my W and intact family and still be okay. But Im starting to feel like thats actually not such a bad thing.

Thanks every1.

Ill check in here and there and just let you know how its going.

And yeah Thornton, I would never phone Corey because he most likely would say "cmon man" like 10 times and then tell me I am the worst case he ever had lol. I aim to change that im tired of feeling like a doormat.

Oh and JoeJoe1 that post of yours helped a lot. The mouse mode thing is so true. id be cool for like a week and a bread crumb messes up everything. That was really well put. Thanks

[joejoe1]

Steve,

You ever watched the workout for a professional sports player getting ready for the start of a season? If not, what you will see, is multiple players, yelling, screaming, people giving up because the workout is too hard, and then you have a coach, calling them all out for being weak. He's tough on them, not because, he's mean, but because he knows the season that's coming up is even tougher.

I think a lot of Newcomers come here and take the comments to heart and think posters are being mean to them, but in reality they are preparing them for the season ahead, we all know how grueling it will be, and being nice won't cut it, we have to be tough, because if not, than the messages/comments won't sink in. Also, look around, the posters, never gave up on you. They keep posting, because you are worth it.

Reserve yourself in understanding that emotional detachment is not easy and it takes a conscience effort to achieve. Will you be perfect no, not to many people going thru a situation for the first time, does everything right in the beginning without mistakes. Take this process, one moment/day at a time. You will heal/grow/learn and become better for going thru this season.

[LH19]

Steve,

The frustration from the posters comes from the fact that you know what you need to do you just choose not to do it based on emotions. One of my favorite quotes that feeds in perfectly for you is “ When decisions are made based on emotions there are sure to be consequences”. You 100% should not be trying to Dave your marriage you should be trying to save yourself. You bend and twist things around to fit into your narrative of getting your STBXW back. You’ll say I hung out on Easter because there is no OM when in reality there is likely several other men. You are still operating under the “illusion of action” thinking there is something you can do to turn this around. Until you understand you can’t turn this around unfortunately you will suffer immensely.

[Steve_]

You are 100% right LH.

I felt absolutely like I had to do "something, anything, etc" i can tell you that every single book I've read DB,DR,3%man, all the stuff from other sites reccomends against it. There are a few that tell you not to do nothing, but those are a small few. Read another book about "husbandly leadership" etc... there is a bit of a mixed bag on that but it seems that doing nothing towards the M is the only thing left to do. My only fear now is that it might actually work. And I wont have the strength to continue walking when she half-ass returns from her OM/attention exodus.

That is what im trying to prepare myself for if the time comes. Hopefully she will just latch on to the next NGS sufferer and ruin his life and let me go. But from what I have experienced the past 11 years it doesnt seem likely. Once she wrecks the next dude if I have been actually leaving her alone she will likely poke her head around again. I do think ill be okay by that time though as I am starting to see just how messed up this thing was and how honestly I didnt deserve this even if I did get too comfortable in the M and stopped putting my best foot forward this was absolutely uncalled for. The games she played I mean. Leaving me fine... but twisting up my life the past 6 months was really heartless.

But... I allowed it...

[JosephS]

Doesn’t matter what she does. She shouldn’t need to find someone in order for you to move on

[LH19]

You are 100% right LH.

I'm not always right but I am never wrong lol.

I felt absolutely like I had to do "something, anything, etc" i can tell you that every single book I've read DB,DR,3%man, all the stuff from other sites reccomends against it.

So you went against 3 highly recommended books and are shocked that you made matters worse?

There are a few that tell you not to do nothing, but those are a small few. Read another book about "husbandly leadership" etc... there is a bit of a mixed bag on that but it seems that doing nothing towards the M is the only thing left to do.

So this seems like a good book if your W still has a foot in the door. Yours has two feet out.

My only fear now is that it might actually work. And I wont have the strength to continue walking when she half-ass returns from her OM/attention exodus.

I call BS. Your only fear is that she will find another guy and completely move on.

That is what im trying to prepare myself for if the time comes.

She will NEVER 100% commit to you and the marriage. EVER!

Hopefully she will just latch on to the next NGS sufferer and ruin his life and let me go.

This is a bizarre statement.

But from what I have experienced the past 11 years it doesnt seem likely. Once she wrecks the next dude if I have been actually leaving her alone she will likely poke her head around again.

Yeah and use you until the next chump comes along. That sounds awesome (insert LH eyeroll)

I do think ill be okay by that time though as I am starting to see just how messed up this thing was and how honestly I didnt deserve this even if I did get too comfortable in the M and stopped putting my best foot forward this was absolutely uncalled for.

Calling BS. W/O series help you will not be alright and you still would take her back in a second. Just more Steve BS.

The games she played I mean. Leaving me fine... but twisting up my life the past 6 months was really heartless.

Uuuummmm you twisted your life up. Stop playing the fuching victim card Steve. Its getting exhausting!

[joejoe1]

Steve,

Well that was a wild read from your last post. So, let's examine it. You took the time to research books to help with your marriage, purchased those books. But you didn't use the information provided in those books, and you expected what outcome? Seems to me your issue isn't your WIFE, it's you. You should try to answer this question for yourself. Why is it so hard for you to take/utilize advice that is counter to the outcome you want? I think answering that will take so deep soul searching.

The entire second paragraph was about what your WW, might or might not do, and if she does what you think she might or might not do, than if might leave to something you might not be prepared for. Then you laid your actions at her feet.

Letting go means, moving from the thought of you and your WW reconciling. You are going your own way, without her being a part of your future. Does that mean you won't, NO (I really didn't want to write that last sentence). You need to let go of the IDEA of you being married to your WW. You are now for intent and purposes DIVORCE. Not on paper, but in reality.

[Ginger1]

You are a victim of yourself. There is only for some long you could be a victim of your wife. You allow it, then it’s all your own fault. Not hers, just yours.

Everything you do or intend to do, is based upon what she might do. You need some other man to suffer as her next conquest so you don’t suffer anymore? How does that sound to you? And quite frankly, there aren’t many men who wouldn’t see through her then run for their lives, anyways.

You need to learn how to make decisions based upon what you want out of your own life. Stop playing the victim who has no control or independent thought . Why your wife would have to latch onto someone else so you can make some adult decisions for yourself is beyond me

[Ready2Change]

Stop playing the victim who has no control or independent thought .

This behavior is very unattractive to women.

[SteveLW]

You are a victim of yourself. There is only for some long you could be a victim of your wife. You allow it, then it’s all your own fault. Not hers, just yours.

Everything you do or intend to do, is based upon what she might do. You need some other man to suffer as her next conquest so you don’t suffer anymore? How does that sound to you? And quite frankly, there aren’t many men who wouldn’t see through her then run for their lives, anyways.

You need to learn how to make decisions based upon what you want out of your own life. Stop playing the victim who has no control or independent thought . Why your wife would have to latch onto someone else so you can make some adult decisions for yourself is beyond me

Money.