Trying to heal from WW - part 2

[OnlyBent]

Small things like songs that remind me of her are starting to bother me a little less everytime so i see that as progress, no matter how small its something.

Ace, I think any progress, however small, is positive. How does one move a mountain? One rock at a time.

I find with the memories, I will be reminded of something, a song or holiday, I will get sad, but then it’s like the sadness associated with that particular memory has been purged. Unfortunately there is a lot of purging to be done, it’s a long process. I’m finding after I’ve purged that sadness I’m more able to recall those memories with a fondness that they happened, rather than a sadness that it’s gone. Does that make sense?

[SteveLW]

Hi R2C, thanks for stopping by.

If im being honest i haven't done enough. The site made me feel like im not alone and helped me a bit, but im a very stubborn person and i tend to learn through my own experiences only instead of people advising me. Dont get me wrong, i try to listen to advise of family and friends and everyone on this board, but i think i let my emotions take over sometimes. Its just incomprehensible for me to think of WW the way i should but i am getting there slowly.

The board helped me to go no contact for a month and a half but i crashed a bit when WW called me crying and telling me she misses me, etc. I thought i was detached but i wasnt.

My goals are a bit unclear at the moment, i am not exactly where i want to be in my career right now but im just trying to survive and get my confidence back. I dont know where i belong anymore, im in a small coastal toen now where my dad stays but i qualified as a chartered accountant last year and the world is literally there for the taking but i am scared. I want to gym more and start some hobbies again (like playing guitar, surfing, and maybe joining a soccer league) and just figure out where i want to be.

Ace, I just saw that you were 26 and she was 18 when you met. You got married at 29 and she was 21. How much do you think her immaturity played a role on where you guys ended up?

[Ace_32]

Thanks for the responses Sandi, OnlyBent and Steve.

Sandi, yes i definitely im trying to find myself and figure out who i want to be and where to go next. The good news is that once you hit almost rock bottom, the only way to go is up. I never really dealt with my issues for most of my life, was always busy studing and working or numbing my mind, so the last few months have been tough to say the least. Had to face myself sooner or later though in order to grow and become a better person so im grateful to have the time now.

OnlyBent, i agree any progress is a success in my opinion no matter how small. A few months ago the memories used to break me, but when everything reminds you of the person eventually you start getting desensitized to it, there are still moments when it affects me more than i like but less often than it used to. I get what you are saying, think im getting to the same point. I still get angry sometimes when i think back to the better times because of what has happened but i also cherish the memories i have with her.

SteveLW, i recall you asking me about this early on in my first thread. I definitely think it played a role, i was working and had done a substantial amount of studies and she was still finishing school and she couldn't drive (she still hasn't got her license and blames me even though i took her driving alot to practice a few years ago). I think the main issue though was that she was still a kid and her personality and what she wanted constantly seemed to change and i struggled to adapt and know what was going on, add to that her lying to me in the beginning and cheating before the marriage and it wasn't sustainable. I didnt feel like i could trust her or what was coming next or what i was going to get told i wasnt doing well enough, it became a very stressful environment and we struggled to even have a normal conversation without arguing. I also tended to want to control the finances and decisions etc. but eventually she just started rebelling against everything. I also built up alot of resentment.

[SteveLW]

SteveLW, i recall you asking me about this early on in my first thread. I definitely think it played a role, i was working and had done a substantial amount of studies and she was still finishing school and she couldn't drive (she still hasn't got her license and blames me even though i took her driving alot to practice a few years ago). I think the main issue though was that she was still a kid and her personality and what she wanted constantly seemed to change and i struggled to adapt and know what was going on, add to that her lying to me in the beginning and cheating before the marriage and it wasn't sustainable. I didnt feel like i could trust her or what was coming next or what i was going to get told i wasnt doing well enough, it became a very stressful environment and we struggled to even have a normal conversation without arguing. I also tended to want to control the finances and decisions etc. but eventually she just started rebelling against everything. I also built up alot of resentment.

Thanks Ace, I do think we covered this before but thanks for indulging me again. I dated a 19 year old right before I met my wife. I was 27, she was 19. And we were just at different places in our lives. And it quickly started to devolve into a father-daughter relationship. She was driving an old beatup clunker. I was already earning good money living on my own. I was going to lease her a new car! (I thought I was in love.) I mean it was really crazy stuff that I look back on and realize, even though she was extremely attractive physically, my life would have been a roller-coaster if I had married her. She was still in party girl mode at that point, I was way past party mode by then (and recovering alcoholic to boot so I certainly did not need that in my life). Our society for PC reasons tends to downplay age differences, but I really do think that if you were to move on and end up with someone closer to your own age you would realize the night and day difference in the dynamic.

Of course my wife ended up being very attractive too, but I learned a valuable lesson in that failed R with the 19 year-old. Physical attraction should be one component of what brings us together. Western society tends to place an awful lot of emphasis on vanity and shallow things like looks.

[Ace_32]

All good man. I remember you mentioning that, and yeah my situation also had a bit of that dynamic to it as i would try control the finances and everything for the first few years. You say that you thought you were in love, was it just infatuation and you realised this later on? I wasn't as in love with her the first few years as she was with me but over time i did fall in love with her. At least you got of the roller-coaster, i wasnt smart enough or aware enough to do that haha.

My W wasnt in the party girl mode when we met and it seemed like she wanted what i wanted and to settle down and build a life together, but over time she started wanting to party more and it wasnt really what i wanted. I tried to compromise but it was never enough. She is also a very attractive girl, but it drove me crazy how she would take 3 hours to get ready and take like 100 selfies everytime we went out somewhere. I think she was a bit insecure and craved attention and validation. It must be tough to stop drinking and socialise, i guess the people we should want to meet you wouldn't find at bars or out drinking. I met W at a bar.

I think age isnt a major deal when you are a bit older, say i met her when i was 34 and she was 26 i dont think it would have been as much of a problem. I agree that looks shouldnt matter that much, but i would definitely need to find someone attractive to want to pursue them.

Im kind of coming out of the fog a bit lately i think, kind of just accepting the situation and wondering if i even actually want to see her ever again. I do forgive her and i understand that she is just a damaged and lost person at the moment but i dont know if i want to be associated with someone who can do this to someone they committed to spending their life with. Emotions change often but thats how im feeling at the moment.

[SteveLW]

All good man. I remember you mentioning that, and yeah my situation also had a bit of that dynamic to it as i would try control the finances and everything for the first few years. You say that you thought you were in love, was it just infatuation and you realised this later on? I wasn't as in love with her the first few years as she was with me but over time i did fall in love with her. At least you got of the roller-coaster, i wasnt smart enough or aware enough to do that haha.

She actually ended it. I was pretty hurt. I got the "I am going to be really busy with school and stuff so I don't know how much time I'll have to spend with you." garbage from her. I moped (lucky didn't return to the bottle as I was only a few years sober at that point) for a week, then put on my big boy pants and moved forward, and met my W about that time. The 19 year-old (she had since turned 20) tried to come back after I was in a serious R with my W, but I completely ignored her.

My W wasnt in the party girl mode when we met and it seemed like she wanted what i wanted and to settle down and build a life together, but over time she started wanting to party more and it wasnt really what i wanted. I tried to compromise but it was never enough. She is also a very attractive girl, but it drove me crazy how she would take 3 hours to get ready and take like 100 selfies everytime we went out somewhere. I think she was a bit insecure and craved attention and validation. It must be tough to stop drinking and socialise, i guess the people we should want to meet you wouldn't find at bars or out drinking. I met W at a bar.

Yeah, I think that is part and parcel of the social media generation. The duck face drives me nuts! LOL

I think age isnt a major deal when you are a bit older, say i met her when i was 34 and she was 26 i dont think it would have been as much of a problem. I agree that looks shouldnt matter that much, but i would definitely need to find someone attractive to want to pursue them.

I agree that as both mature age gaps become less of an issue. Though I have seen big age gaps (10 years or more) become problematic in relationships past middle-age. So obviously it depends on the individuals and the time in their lives. But I find that most people today dismiss age gaps even when they are problematic.

As far as attractiveness, yes there needs to be an attraction there. But one thing I've learned after all these years and lots of dating and being pushed away, and pushing away is this: Instead of trying to find someone you are crazy about, you should be looking for someone that is crazy for you. I know someone in my life that married a woman that most people would say was less attractive (it is all subjective after all). But let me tell you, that woman is crazy about her H and they have an amazing marriage that is about to hit 30 years. I did it wrong! LOL

Im kind of coming out of the fog a bit lately i think, kind of just accepting the situation and wondering if i even actually want to see her ever again. I do forgive her and i understand that she is just a damaged and lost person at the moment but i dont know if i want to be associated with someone who can do this to someone they committed to spending their life with. Emotions change often but thats how im feeling at the moment.

Ace, I think this is good. The LBS fog is to try to remember the person we knew. We idealize them and do not see them for who they are currently being. I think that as you recognize that she is not the girl you married, and that the girl you married may never return, then you start to get to a place where you can move forward. But this isn't linear. You might go a while realizing this and then one day wake up struggling again because the idea of getting back the girl you married will be front and center. When that happens you have to remind yourself that she is gone and may never return.

[Ready2Change]

i think I let my emotions take over sometimes.

Learning to completely control my RESPONSE to my emotions is part of the growth I went through as well as making rational decisions based on logic. For example, I used logic to behave differently. Trying things people recommended here vs doing what I felt like doing. Breaking out of my old behavior and behaving the way I KNEW I should.

I crashed a bit when WW called me crying and telling me she misses me, etc.

Did you practice validation? This is a perfect example of a positive change that may not be natural. Us men are usually fixers vs listeners. Even in this situation, You have many choices on how to behave/respond/interact. When you are detached, it is easier to say things that may get a positive response from her. It is even easier when you have multiple women pursuing you.

"I can understand (or see) why you miss me. Too bad it didn't work out." (Confident validating her feelings but not pursuing)
"How about you come over and show me how much you miss me" (Insinuating some sexual act)

There are 100's of ways to respond. Which ones are the most effective for a certain sitch? Who knows. How do you test them? The best I found was to see what was working for others and try those.

I never really dealt with my issues for most of my life,...Had to face myself sooner or later though in order to grow and become a better person so im grateful to have the time now.

We all have issues. I committed to personal growth. There is always room for improvement.

[Ace_32]

Hey SteveLW and R2C thanks for your responses.

Steve that excuse is shocking as you say it is just an easy excuse for her to get out, you can make time for people if you care about them. Good on you for not going back to the bottle to cope and for ignoring her when she tried. Haha yes, it used to drive me crazy all the selfies she wanted to take. Think it has to do with the younger generations growing up with the social media and there self image is so tied up in it. I guess i can see how age gap can be an issue at any stage of life, there will always be slightly different perspectives on things and the time we grew up in and life experiences will be different.

Do understand also what you are saying, when i was younger there were a few girls that were crazy about me and i wasnt attracted to them so i didnt pursue them (i would actually hook up with their friends which was seriously uncool of me). I do wonder sometimes how things could have been if i wasn't so shallow and took a chance with one of them but thats irrelevant now.

The fog is definitely strong the 1st few months after BD and i only focused on the good for a long time, as more time passes i start remembering more of the bad and especially who she is now isnt the person i knew and married. She changed alot ver the last few years, so it wasnt like it was a sudden change but i was probably just being ignorant.

R2C i tend to be quite logical and rational most of the time but learning to control emotional responses isnt something i practised much so it is quite new to me. I agree that i know when i react on emotions that im not making the right choices or behaving the way i should, learning as i go.

I was quite detached from my emotions during the call and i did validate her but also made some mistakes that i realised later on. I couldnt understand why she was sad when this was her choice, i did listen and try validate a lot more than i would have in the past.

Been over a month again now with NC, just carrying on with my life. Starting to want to focus on my career now, so looking for the next step to take in that regard. Set up a punching bag on the weekend and i have been doing more weights so going alright on the exercise side of things. Not much else is different, focusing on church and spirituality and also reading more the last few weeks. Taking it a day at a time.

[SteveLW]

Ace, you seem to be progressing nicely on your outlook of things. Just a quick question for you, how much longer do you intend to wait? Have you considered that? I know we come to this forum looking for a way to save our MR, but unfortunately, not all of them can be saved. Since you have no kids, a D process would be relatively clean and easy.

Your sitch is relatively young (not even a year yet), but something you might want to start considering. I know when I set my drop dead date in my sitch it was freeing!

[Ace_32]

Thanks Steve, kind of realised that i have no choice but to try move on. Im not standing really anymore, im waiting for her to file, she aready paid to have the papers drawn up a while back, that was the whole situation with the call i had with her about 2 months ago. Waiting for her to file..

It isn't great but i know thwt she is done, there is nothing i can do anymore but let it play out the way its meant to.