Another issue plaguing me is my family guilting me as to why I am not talking to them about my situation.. I don't want to talk to them about it. It helps them fill a need THEY have that isn't my responsibility. But I can't get them to understand my feelings or accept the boundaries I am trying to set.
Elbereth, that sounds really frustrating, that your family is adding to your stress instead of giving you some calm. I assume there's love and compassion there--mixed in with curiosity and a desire to gossip--have you been as direct with them as you are with us--"It's a rough situation. I have a therapist. What would really help, is a break from thinking about it. Could we talk about something else?" I REALLY appreciated the one mutual friend of my ex-GF and I who never once brought up the breakup in our times together.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Yea, I need IC again...I'd hope to find someone specific I could feel is what I am looking for, but I just might have to do a few more BetterHelp sessions as a holdover of finding the right one.
There are good therapists online, charging a fraction of their in-office rates. If the initial ones they offer do not have strong Yelp reviews for their in-person practices, ask for more options. Sites like that generally charge you the same whether they match you with a 5-star or 3-star therapist so be sure you get their best. (:
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Just a small update.
H signed the agreement for some of the funds he used towards his affair. Now onto the big D.
Another issue plaguing me is my family guilting me as to why I am not talking to them about my situation.. I don't want to talk to them about it. It helps them fill a need THEY have that isn't my responsibility. But I can't get them to understand my feelings or accept the boundaries I am trying to set.
Elbereth, that sounds really frustrating, that your family is adding to your stress instead of giving you some calm. I assume there's love and compassion there--mixed in with curiosity and a desire to gossip--have you been as direct with them as you are with us--"It's a rough situation. I have a therapist. What would really help, is a break from thinking about it. Could we talk about something else?" I REALLY appreciated the one mutual friend of my ex-GF and I who never once brought up the breakup in our times together.
Yes, it's coming from love and the desire to help (and I'm sure some curiousity). I think they struggle because they want to help me but they can't. They have never experienced anything like what I am going through. Plus, it only makes them hate my H more (which concerns me...as we share kids and he will be in my life). I don't want that drama either. So I keep what I say to the minimum. I think it's hardest for my mother. I think her feeling helpless is what is driving her behavior and the guilt she throws at me. I've done exactly what you have said. However, I did also ask that we avoid negative conversations in general (such as family drama, etc) on top of not discussing my situation. Keep things light and positive and focus on happy things. It's a stressful time, so it's been hard for them to try to not pull me into their dramas too. And my mom is a loving person but not a happy one, so she is used to using me to vent (but never do anything for her situation) and I just can't take that burden on right now. I tried and it just bleeds me dry with frustration and worry for her when I can barely deal with my own situation. And she lives in another state, so talking is the only way we can connect or she can support me. So that I think has her feeling desperate. Some family members keep asking questions but have been better about the boundaries I'm setting. Some others have dropped off the face of the planet.
Setting boundaries has been an issue for me in the past. I've been working on that and I know that it's hard to enforce new boundaries with people that were not used to being given any from me in the past. But the guilt trips are the worst. And mother/daughter ones are quite nuclear. I sometimes just wish I could skip this whole period in my life and be past it all in already. It's hard enough with the pandemic, the affair, the medical issues I had, job insecurity....it's just so hard. But I know I will make it through. I do. I just wish it wasn't soooo hard.
Yeah, agreement is signed. Now H wanted me to just sign and file the D petition. I told him that I didn't want this. You file it, then we will work through the property stuff. Me with my lawyer, not him. He still doesn't understand why I need a lawyer and I had to remind him that I don't trust him. I was calm, I was nice about it, I assured him that my goal is not to destroy him, but I'm not going to hold his hand and help him do his part. I'm working on what I think the results should be with my lawyer. It amazes me when things are said like "we needed this" or "we both were unhappy"...he keeps thinking I had a choice in any of this. He's off with the unicorns and fairies again... Why don't we have emoji's for unicorns and fairies on this forum?
El.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
These situations hurt and affect more than just the immediate spouse and kids. Parents, family members, friends, and such all will react depending upon their views and character. And as you said, many have not experienced something like this and therefore are proceeding blindly. This is both good and bad news.
The bad news is as you stated, they look to you and ask you questions. This is obviously, to those of us who have travelled this path, an incredible increase in your already overworked emotions and stress.
The good news is, they look to you and ask you questions. Huh? No DnJ has not hit his head. You are in the rare position to be a beacon, a lighthouse. Those that love you want to help and have no idea how. It falls to you to explain, and there are ways to do just that, while limiting your stress and frustration.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
It's exhausting, and I really don't want to feel the burden of their feelings on top of my own right now. Has anyone else had this happen to them? How did you handle it?
Tell friends and family what you need. Be clear with actual doable things. For example, when my W went spectacularly off the rails, most everyone was mad and angry at her. Understandable, she did just throw away her children and husband and family and friends and shacked up with another man. She exhibited so many odd and irrational behaviours. I told my parents and my support group of friends, that I was standing for, and want to stand for, my marriage. I explained what that meant, and asked them to support me. Even if they didn’t understand. Asked them, that there will be times when I falter, am so very unsure, and want to quit - to encourage me to continue.
I didn’t really understand the wisdom I was wielding at the time, I was just following the counterintuitive advice of the wise folks around here. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was a beacon, and lit the way for many - friends, parents, kids, family - to come to forgive, empathize, and understand XW’s strange behaviour. And of course my own path was likewise blessed.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I think it's hardest for my mother. I think her feeling helpless is what is driving her behavior and the guilt she throws at me. I've done exactly what you have said. However, I did also ask that we avoid negative conversations in general (such as family drama, etc) on top of not discussing my situation. Keep things light and positive and focus on happy things.
Yes, it is hard on your Mom. Her daughter is hurting and she doesn’t know how or have anyway to take away the pain. You can help her and yourself by telling her certain clear requests.
Quote
I did also ask explain that we I need to avoid negative conversations...
Make your requests/boundaries clear. Politely tell her what you need, not ask her to not do something. Most people will step up rather quickly when given a choice and direction. Remember, she loves you and wants to help, she just doesn’t know how. Tell her/others what you need and they will rise to the occasion.
Some advice, do not avoid negative conversation or your situation, just limit negative conversations and discussions regarding your situation. It has to be discussed, and of course in a healthy and safe environment. Maybe something along the lines of: Mom, I am working my way through a really horrible situation. Most times I am not in a place to discuss it. However, there are moments, at some pretty odd times of the day, when I could really use someone to talk to. Will you be there for me? Can I reach out you went I need to?
El, this is hard. I remember how much I wanted to be passed all the emotional mess and stress too. (((Hugs))) You will make it, and be the better for it. Honest!
How do you handle it? Focus on you. Keep moving forward putting one foot in front of the other. Hey, I know a gal with a thread title like that... She’s pretty smart, strong, and stable. And she is waking her path just fine.
(psst, I’m talking about you)
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
They do indeed seem to think that consequences don't stick to them and that we are good with going along with their narrative and will also do all the work for them.
Good on you for sticking to your boundaries - it is indeed tough when people are used to walking all over you to suddenly find themselves tripping on them. I've had to deal with people who moved from being supportive to wanting to run my life for me and it was not fun or pretty at all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
An update. So H asked me to sign the papers for the divorce petition and I refused, because they contain some details on allocation stuff. I told him I won’t sign anything without my L. He got frustrated and said he really wanted to be fair and keep things civil. I said I agree, but I can’t trust you anymore so I’m using a lawyer. I told him that I’m not looking to be crazy and dramatic, but I am going to be sure I get what is fair. So now he has a lawyer and will be filing next week. Things are still civil and roommate friendly but I’m anxious to move out as I’m sure it’s going to be a wild ride the next few months.
Oddly, he’s been very emotional lately. I’ve seen him cry more than I ever have before. I’m not sure if he’s overwhelmed, feeling guilty or what. But he does seem to still want the D. So nothing has changed there. But with his history of depression I am concerned. He did try to commit suicide in the past. So I’ve reached out to his close friend from childhood to check in with him. I’ll talk to him this weekend. He’s been very caring and supportive towards both of us. I may have lost respect for my H but I don’t want him to fall into a pit of despair and do anything stupid either.
Financial course is coming to an end and I’m sad. It’s been very good for me even if I’m not ready to implement a lot yet until I know what is mine. But the course has been great and wonderful to bond with other ladies going through the same stuff. Started the journal but not good about doing it each day. For now I’m trying not to be hard on myself and just try to do it when I do it. I don’t need any hard and fast expectations right now.
Work is picking up, another side gig is in the works, starting to pack my thing, trying to make sure I do my self care, and D is starting. I’m juggling a lot. But I know this stress will pass. And not all of it is bad so I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for all of you too.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I would not recommend reaching out to his childhood friend. This will get back to stbxh and piss him off. You are operating under the “illusion of action”. Right now you should 100% focused on yourself.
He got frustrated and said he really wanted to be fair and keep things civil. I said I agree, but I can’t trust you anymore so I’m using a lawyer. I told him that I’m not looking to be crazy and dramatic, but I am going to be sure I get what is fair.
Frustration is pretty typical, their quick and easy 123 divorce fantasy hits legal reality.
Consider the strike through above. “I agree” and that’s it. No need to explain yourself or justify your actions to him.
Your reasoning is sound and proper. Yes, you cannot trust him, and you deserve what is fair. You’ve told him you are using a L, you’ve told him why, so going forward no need to explain that again.
I agree with LH, reaching out to STBXH’s childhood friend is not recommended. It places that friend in the middle of a situation they do not need or want to be involved in. If he is a good childhood friend he will be talking to H and already realize the emotional state H is within.
I do empathize with your feelings and concern regarding your wayward spouse. I was concerned about my XW as well, and in truth still am to some degree. There is little to nothing one can do. We cannot change their path. Try as one might, it just pushes them further and faster away. Let him go and focus upon you. Give him to God.
For your peace of mind, if a time comes when the threat of suicide reaches a truly severe level, contact the appropriate professional services.
Compassion has a component of detachment and indifference to it. As counterintuitive as that feels.
I’m glad your financial course was a success. Gaining knowledge and meeting other gals in similar situations; it’s good to see one isn’t alone in all this.
I agree with you about journaling. Do it when you do it. There’s no hard rules requiring daily entries.
A bit more work sounds interesting. Is this side gig a short term thing or more a permanent endeavour?
Take care El.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
El, your strength is admirable. We see a lot of WASs that play nice to get their LBS to sign agreements that are unfavorable. So many LBSs fall for it thinking that it is the best way to win back their WAS. Good job on staying logical through the emotions.
I understand your concerns related to his capacity for self harm. But you also have to realize that it is out of your control. No matter who you call if he ends up wanting to commit suicide he will. You will not be to blame for that, he will. I've had suicide touch my own family in the past. The guilt those that are left behind feel is unfair to themselves. There is one person to blame for a suicide, the person committing it. (I'm sure there are those here who will take issue with this stance, save it. I don't care.)
Keep up the good work, El!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are in the rare position to be a beacon, a lighthouse. Those that love you want to help and have no idea how. It falls to you to explain, and there are ways to do just that, while limiting your stress and frustration.